Dayzee

Hello everyone, I am a newbie. I am so grateful to have found this site! Cutting right to it My mother is a drug addict. She is addicted to lorazepam. (Ativan)
She has been on it for close to 14 years, she has gone to many psychiatrists I believe is how she's been able to stay on it for so long. I used to live across the country from her but now only about 30 minutes and have over the past few years come to realize she has a serious addiction. She gets her script, finishes all 120 pills in a week. She becomes depressed, suicidal, verbally and emotionally abusive, lashes out etc. If I dont do what she wants I get verbally lased out on. I am 31 by the way. Last month she took so many she was slurring her speech as if drunk. I am at my wits end. I can't handle one more month of this go around. When shes's run out she'll say how she knows shes addicted and she's "going to get off them." Never going to happen.

My question(s) is/are, how do I bring this up to her? She NEVER takes responsibility, always someone elses fault. Is there a time/way that is best to bring it up? I would like her to get help and would like her to know that, at the same time, I'm done being a empty void she thinks she can just dump into. I would love her to get help but if not, I have to walk away. I am working on my own issues, constant anxiety, worrying, guilt etc. Anyway, thanks to anyone who gets through all of that. Any advice would be appreciated.

eveleivibe

There's not really a lot you can do unless she wants help. Just be there for her. Don't guilt trip her, hvve a go at her, or throw any of her pills away. This will panick
Her or make her feel bad. The best thing you can do is be there for her, let her know you care n that if you she needs help you will be there.
Also have you heard of al anon meetings? They are friends or family of addicts.
Here if you need anyone to talk to.
Hugs,
Evey xoxo

Dayzee

I get confused though on "be there for her." She rages on me, being both verbally and emotionally abusive. What do I do at these times?

eveleivibe

If she is abusive walk away n tell her you will not tolerate being abused. Cynical one i don't see why she cannot be there for her.

In my opinion i thunk you should, but set boundaries like you will not tolerate being abused.

Take what advice you feel is best for you. We do not all agree. We are human.

Hugs xxxx

eveleivibe

Cynical one if she rejects her she will probably do it all the more n it wont stop her, she has to WANT this for herself. I don't think anyone should put up with abuse though xxx

Dayzee

I will say, no matter what I do it is never enough for her. I'm not sure if anything ever would be. I have bent over backwards to exhaustion to do what she says she needs. There is always something else that inevitably be thrown back in my face of how no one helps her or is there for her. I go left, she says go right. I go right, she says why'd you stop going left.

Dayzee

Should I tell her I'm setting boundaries and explain why? It would cause a fight but I've read that you should tell the addict what is happening.

mfox

For what it's worth, I agree with everything cynical one has said here. Set boundaries to protect yourself. You can't change her or make her do anything she doesn't want to do and you definitely can't make her see the damage she is inflicting. But you can change your circumstances and your reactions. It's HARD because this is someone you love and want to see happy and healthy and strong. Setting boundaries and sticking to them isn't easy because all YOU can see is the pain, anger and resentment of your addict. What you don't see objectively is what a lack of boundaries is doing to you - the damage that is being done to so many aspects of YOUR life. Take care of YOU and your family and loved ones. Either she will get the help she needs or she won't, but no matter how hard you try, YOU can't make her. She has to do it for herself

outtolunch

It sounds a tad bit like you want her to get help or else....that's an attempt to control her and usually leads to mutual resentments and does not work. She is living her life as she sees fit to do.

The world is full of abusive people and people who allow others to abuse them. A healthy boundary " I do not spend time with abusive people" protects you and let's go of the outcome.

A boundary is only as good as the setter's willingness to enforce it. This is where tough love comes into play and it means getting tough with yourself. The next time she becomes abusive, take responsibility for your boundary and remove yourself from the situation. No need to slam the phone or a door.

Dayzee

I didnt mean it to come across as an attempt to control. I think I meant that I can't continue with things how they are and so for me, I will/can only help her if she helps herself.

Thank you everyone for your responses. Just getting a bite of validation is amazing. I have a lot of questions, so thanks for your patience also One last question I can think of is, when I set boundaries I believe she will act of even harder/more extremely. Do I at that point just tell her I am not willing to speak to her right now? A couple of months ago I attempted boundaries which resulted in constant calls, texts and coming to my house. I'm prepared for that again, anyone have any exprience with that?

Jody675

Dayzee ANY boundary setting is going to create resistance and escalate the situation at first. do you have kids or got friends with unruly kids? ever seen the tantrums of kids who get told no for the first time when for the last 6months they have gotten their way? this will be like what you will probably go through with your mum. if you look at it as a 4year old throwing a tantrum then you might find it easier to walk away and keep your boundary clear. you can try telling your mum that you wont speak with her until she is clean, but prob will do as good as telling a child in full tantrum that they need to calm down before they can have X. at the end of the day it is only up to you what you put up with and what you dont. but just make sure your boundaries are for you, and that you will be able to enforce them no matter what. not responding to calls, or text messages is ok. just delete them and block the number until she is clean. (if that is your boundary).

im sorry to hear youre going through this. no child should have to deal with this but it sounds like you are ready to take care of yourself, which you should be very proud of yourself for. it does take a lot of courage and maturity to take this stance. good for you.

SSHope

When you say "she'll probably do it more" if she feels "rejected," is just setting up the loved one of the addict with manipulative reasoning. It lays the blame for use on the sober loved one instead of on the addict where it belongs. Fear of my brother attempting suicide again if he felt as though I was rejecting him by walking away from his addictive behaviors is what kept me in the craziness for far too long. It wasn't until I realized that if he chose to end his life, it would be his choice, and that I could not allow that fear to dictate what was healthy for me or my family. Don't let anyone make you feel as though you would be making her continue to use if you set boundaries which keep you healthy.

Dayzee, you must be the one to set your boundaries. While I do not always agree with Dr. Phil, I love his saying, "You teach someone how to treat you." By allowing your mom to be verbally/emotionally abusive, you are teaching her how to treat you. Every human being deserves to be treated with respect, and sometimes that means showing the addict you respect them to be able to handle their problems on their own and walking away.

Dayzee

Today was Thanksgiving. She had taken so many pills she couldnt walk, asking me the same question 4 times, slurring her speech, coudlnt remember stuffing the turkey when I watched her do it etc. She fell asleep so I left. I feel an enormous amount of guilt for leaving as it was only us there. I left because I couldnt watch it anymore. My heart is sad for her. She needs help. I could feel the sadness and resentment building inside of me because I was feeling badly for her while she only cared about numbing her own feelings. So I left. Does the second guessing yourself ever stop?

lauren

Dayzee it takes more courage to walk away then to stay and watch
the self destruction part of it happen again and then dealing with
abuse from it.

You saved yourself on this and trusted yourself..don't second guess..it
was a wise move.

You will get more confident as you learn from others here and understand your role.

lauren

Jody675

you cant control it, you cant cure it, and you didnt cause it.

good for you for walking out. you should be proud of yourself for being so strong. i understand though it is sad to see someone you love for in such a pathetic state. do what is right for you now. you are not the parent here. let her own the life she leads and make some strong and healthy boundaries for you. enjoy the rest of your day.

DoubleBarrel

Yes. You are feeding into her addiction.
Please check out alanon or read codependent no more.

Right now you are doing what works with all rational people and it isn't working, which is immensely frustrating and bad for you emotionally.
She is not a rational person, she is an addict.
You need to learn special skills to deal with it.
And "being there for her" is absolutely wrong.

Dayzee

Thank you for the encouragement. I have looked into al anon in my area and going to go on Sunday to one. I'll admit I'm a little nervous, not used to sharing things but I think it will help me and I'm looking forward to that.

Vale

In addiction (as in life), the right thing to do is the harder choice.
The easy choice (despite the VERY attractive feature of ease)---usually
just masks the problem,ignores it,or kicks the can down the road.

In my case,with the addict I cared about,it came down to a simple
binary decision......did I respect her as a fellow human being or was
she merely a prop for a very unhealthy hero/rescuer BS game of
mine.

In my defense,before I found SR,I was innocent. I am not a
stupid person but honestly the only question in my head was "It's
been more than 2 yrs and $$$$$ spent.....why the f*** isn't she
getting any better?!"

Lifting the veil and seeing the true nature of this devil
addiction was (of course) both a blessing and a curse.But innocence
was no longer possible.

I had to choose,knowing that the right choice would probably
earn me her undying enmity forever.No more "hero" payoff....but the
best thing for her in the end.I have no doubt she will just move on to
others------but my efforts would no longer be a party to the atrocity that
is the destruction of her soul.

Sometimes (like the Nike advertising schtick goes) .......you have to

"Just do it"