Purplelove

I came across this site just looking for answers on how to cope with letting go of my alcoholic partner. Tomorrow, yes Thanksgiving Day would have been our three year anniversary. Sadly, alcohol was more important to him and because I decided not to put up with his drinking, he's moved back to S.C with his family and left me high and dry. It's been a few days since he's been gone and we have spoken, but only through short e-mails. I've told him how I feel, but it's like he just doesn't get how I feel. I'm blamed for him leaving. Mind you, he had just completed a 6 month program last month and relapsed a few days later. I just don't know how to deal with all this especially at this time of the year. I'm supposed to be thankful, yet I feel like I have nothing to be thankful for. The man I love is gone and he's not coming back. Any words of wisdom/advise would be appreciated. Thank you.

Natom

You're going to find the majority of the posts in the below form helpful

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

The man you love is gone, but he is still with his mistress. Speaking as an addict I could have told me last several ex's that they were better off without me but I didn't because I manipulated them into staying. You don't owe him anything.

Natom.

Anna

Hi and Welcome,

I'm sorry this is a hard time for you. You decided you couldn't put up with his drinking, so he moved out, and this will give you a chance to heal yourself. I wonder if you've considered AlAnon as a support for yourself? Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family.

MIRecovery

So sorry for your loss. As much as it hurts, staying with him would have been nothing but pain and suffing. He still may get better but he may not. Only he can determine that. It is only when the pain of staying the same is greater than the fear of change do we get better.

Alanon is a great resource because you will meet a lot of people who are in the same situation and can give you suggestions on how they dealt with their problems

Purplelove

Thank you for your responses. I have tried AlAnon a few times but stopped going. I'm guessing I need that support again The hurt is unbelievable.

Purplelove

MIRecovery, I've been through his bouts of sobriety and his relapses. Each time it just gets worse. I thought it was over. Thought we were starting over. I was so wrong...I'm glad I found this site so I can see I'm not alone.

Purplecatlover

I am the alcoholic but I can imagine the guilt & pain you must feel. I'm sorry you fell in love with an addict.
I can tell from my own addiction that its not anything you did or didn't do. No amount of love, understanding, threatening would've separated me from my alcohol. Only I could do that.
I wanted to quit so badly because I could see how much I was hurting my family. I loved them with everything in me but addiction always won.
It's hard to understand, baffling as they say.
Sending good thoughts your way.
You did the right thing, don't blame yourself or him, he's really sick, he just doesn't know it.

And you don't need to subject yourself to his downward spiral. It will only get worse.

MIRecovery

I just know that until I was ready I was not going to allow anything or anybody to come between me and my drinking. I would promise you anything and in someways actually mean it but alcohol always won and I broke my promise. Just like in AA take your situation a day at a time and things will get better slowly but surely.

KAD

It's difficult to read what you've written because I was on the opposite side of that equation. The difference was that I didn't put any blame on her. In fact, I crumbled and cried like a child the first times she caught me. The last time, I didn't because I knew it would be the last. There was nothing more I could say.

It's terribly difficult to get a non-addict to understand the mind of an addict. We can put it into words all we want to, but without experiencing it for yourself you won't grasp the essence of it, what it actually feels like to live that way.

I am sorry for your pain. All you did was love, and although he probably loved you, too, he loved alcohol at least equally. My ex-ladyfriend described it as a mistress. She felt like I was cheating on her. It isn't exactly that way, but there is a somewhat valid analogy there.

I don't have any experience with Al-Anon so I'm afraid I'm not much help there. Short of trying that out or speaking with a counselor, if that's an option, I'm afraid time is the only thing that will heal this. And the knowledge you have gained from getting involved with an addict. That isn't to say that addicts can't quit and stay quit, but until he is consistently committed to it, in word and deed, the "mistress" is likely to lure him back. Since he is blaming you, I'd say he's far from committed.

Purplelove

I have tried to understand his addiction and I don't think I ever will. My eyes doesn't seem to want to run out of tears. He sent me an e-mail earlier telling me that he loves me like he always has, but he left because he couldn't live with the arguments. I told him that the only time an argument happened was when I knew he was drinking and if I asked him, he would deny it. Instead of taking some responsibility for what I said, he told me that I was starting an argument with him again so he wasn't going to continue talking. Everyone keeps telling me to just let him be and not talk to him anymore. But I don't know how to let go. I guess I can say he is my addiction.

nonet4life

a little over 2 years ago, my wife had enough. She never asked me to stop drinking, just asked me to keep it in control. Most of the time I controlled it, but about 8 or 9 times a year, I would start drinking and couldn't stop and would show up at daylight back home, not knowing how I got home half the time. I made my wife cry time after time, year after year, and I felt terrible, terrible, terrible every time I made her cry. But once I started drinking after a certain point, it wasn't' me any more. Alcohol inhabited me like a spirit, it takes over like being possessed. You can't even explain yourself, because you are out of control. You can forgive the other person, because whatever happens when you are drunk, it isn't the normal you. Someone else is driving your car, you are passed out in the back. It doesn't excuse anything, but it is a fair explanation. Alcohol is not more important than those you love, but alcohol is stronger than love, than good intentions, than common sense. Drugs and alcohol have ruined the lives of the smartest, strongest people that have ever lived. It is no surprise that average folk like me or your loved one get beaten by it. So. Please forgive your loved one. You don't have to forgive your Drunken Loved One, but you don't have to live with him either. I am shocked that I still struggle with temptation every single day, after two years of sobriety. It smacks me in the head like a physical thing. If I fall, it wouldnt surprise me. But I am fighting it. And if folks like your Loved One has fallen, it isn't a surprise either. Clear head and a clear heart is a precious thing, addiction is a beast that eats precious things. I understand your need to free yourself from the chaos of another, and feel badly for both of you. But hopefully this will spur your loved one to try harder. To lose the love of another is a sad, sad thing. I wish you peace of mind and a peaceful life.

KAD

PurpleLove, given that the breakup is very recent, I would expect you to still be reeling from it all and in pain. That's totally normal. It's been a month since my relationship ended and she and I are both dealing with sadness and loss. We still feel love for each other, but the relationship simply cannot work when I have consistently lied and deceived. Even if I wasn't hiding it, she would not tolerate the amount of, and frequency with which, I was drinking. And there was no such thing for me as cutting back. I learned that a loooong time ago. I'm left with myself now, dealing with this on my own because she couldn't take it anymore.

A friend of mine once said, "You can't get around that heartache. There's no way out but through." My hunch is, from what I've gathered, staying with him would mean one heartache after another. The one you're feeling now will eventually heal.

Purplelove

An e-mail from him saying: "Just to let you know im not looking for anyone else and hope you can possibly wait on me before you move on."

This is what confuses me so much about all of this. I didn't want to break-up. He was the one who left me and went back to SC. How can he think I would move on if I wasn't trying to even let him go? All I want for him is for him to quit drinking, admit he has a problem and get help.

KitKat7575

I'm sorry Purplelove but he's not being fair to you. But that's just my opinion x

KAD

He's still trying to have his cake and eat it, too. You tolerated it - not many will - and he still wants to keep you on a tether. Now, if he showed he was serious about dealing with the issue that caused constant strife in your relationship, that would be a plus. Is he? You're right, he left you, so who wouldn't take that to mean he wants to be free? I know your heart is in a very vulnerable place right now but I would urge you to stick to your guns on this. Keep things in perspective. Addiction is inherently selfish and we can be a devious lot. Don't be made a fool.

I went through a similar feeling with my ex just yesterday. Before we split, I had planned to have her spend Thanksgiving with me and my girls. (Her kids are with their father this year for T'giving.) So, in light of recent events I asked if she had plans now since we're not together. She simply said "yes" but wouldn't say what they were. I felt that old familiar pang of jealousy and began to imagine things, but then had to remind myself she's free to do whatever she wants now. As much as it hurts, the square peg simply won't fit the round hole. We have to move forward.

nonet4life

The problem is that there are two people you were involved with, and two people who are talking to you. That is why you are confused. You love the person who wrote you this note. But that is not the person who will wreck your life, your Drunken Loved One. I was that person, the one who was loving and kind and the one who wrecked my loved ones life. ANY relationship is hard, we all have different needs and desires and goals and personalities. When you love an addict, you are living with two people. The addict will always destroy all the good things about your Loved One. Until he is able to rid himself of this addiction, the Drunken Loved One will make both of you miserable. You didn't break up with him, you broke up with the Drunken Him. If he can't exorcise this from his life, you will never find peace with him. You have to be firm, with him and yourself. Your allowing of this chaos into your life will not make his better. It will only continue to make you cry. If he can become straight, he will eventually find peace, and you will have only your Loved One. And not the monster. It isn't easy...I live every day fighting something, it is a drain of time and energy I would rather use for many other things. But if you are an addict, then this is part of your life...to fight for yourself, to make a better you for those you love, and to never hurt anyone again because of stupid drunken behavior. An addict is a vicious beast, you can never pet or hold it, it will always bite you, make you bleed hurt and cry. Be strong, you have one life to life and you have to make a decision to allow peace or chaos into your life.

Purplelove

KitKat7575 you are right, I know he's not being fair Like GetMeOut said, he wants to just keep me dangling on a string. The sad thing is that I let him do it. I forget all of the mean words that were said when he was drunk. All the hurtful things that came out when he wasn't sober. I wonder if these are things that he truly thinks deep down, but only says when he is incoherent. I answered his e-mail and told him I wasn't looking to be with anyone. That I know what I want, I just need for him to know what he wants. I'm tired of competing for his love. He's never had to compete for mine, but I've had to fight with his "mistress" and compete for all of his love. That I feel that I haven't gotten. Sadly his only reply to all this was a simple "ok."

GetMeOut I too have kids, which make things worse. He is not the biological father to my girls, but he has been there more than their dad has. So Thanksgiving will be hard on them as well. He just up and left all of us.

nonet4life

Hi, I hope that I am not hogging up space here, after 2 long replies. But I have to relate this, I was that person. I apparently said mean, unkind things when I was drunk...and never remembered them. That is the blacked out, drunken me. For which, I can't say if there was any truth to those things or not, I was on drunken auto pilot, as is everyone who is that drunk. Now, about mean things when you are a little drunk. Alcohol amplifies things, it makes things you find amusing hilarious, it makes an irritation cause for rage. It distorts things, it makes you think and do things you don't want to do or would never want to say. For anyone who says that "being drunk makes you say all the things you really want to say" are very wrong. Your thinking is amplified, confused and distorted and so is anything you say or anything you do. If you can't walk or talk straight, how can anything that comes out of your mouth be straight. This is very important to understand. HOWEVER...this behavior is not acceptable. Saying and doing hurtful things is wrong, and if you say and do hurtful things to your loved ones because you are drunk then you are wrong. If you allow a drunken, hurtful person around your children then you have to really consider what you are doing, because you are making that choice for them. This is a terrible thing, to be addicted and not in control, it doesn't make you a terrible person...but if it makes you do terrible things, does it really matter? If a car hits you and puts you in the hospital, does it matter, as you are laying there broken, if that was an accident or a purposeful thing that the driver of that car did? If you know that you will be hit by a car if you walk across a certain street every single time, would you walk down that street? No. The mean drunk will come out of the sweetest person you could ever meet. And it will come out again and again, not always, but eventually. And it will run you over just like a hit and run, not on purpose, but it will run you down. Only you know your situation, and if there is hope for it. But for your Loved One, if he is an addict, and if it does control him, if only from time to time, then this will never stop. If he makes you cry just once a year because he is out of control, isn't that once too often? Tomorrow, on this holiday, try not to focus on your loss. Try to focus on any calmness and peace that is there, think of the absence of drunken and destructive behavior that is not there. Think of the love of your children, the love of yourself, the love of life itself. Because that is what alcohol takes away...kindness, love, peace, calm and rational days and nights.

Purplelove

Nonetforlife thank you for your words. I know this was not a good situation. He was not physically abusive or verbally abusive. When I say "mean words" I mean he would say things like he knew that he should have never gotten with me. That his family was right about me..and so on and so forth. We are in an interracial relationship which causes even more issues. In my opinion his family doesn't like the fact that we were together and therefore there have been a few arguments between he and I about their involvement in our life. When he decided to leave, his family sent him a plane ticket back to SC that day. His mom has even told him not to talk to me anymore. Anyway...that's all neither here, nor there. I will take your advice about just taking the time to enjoy the holiday with my kids and my friends.

Arrdubya

PL
If you had an infected tooth it would hurt.
If you had that tooth pulled, it would hurt a lot, but only until it healed.
If you didn't pull the tooth, the infection could kill you.
This to will pass. Good luck! Try and look forward. No "what if's" allowed.