In need of support.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: NY
Posts: 4
In need of support.
Hi All,
I'm looking for some support here. My brother, let's call him John, is recovering from an addiction to pain medicine (not prescribed). My mother has been giving him random weekly/biweekly drug tests which we buy online through a legitimate provider. He has been clean for seven months. She has also monitored his computer and cell phone use during this time to give her another sense of security that he is clean. For the past 5 years John has been watching our nieces and nephew after school while their mother and father are at work. Occasionally he has to drive the children around to various events. My sister-in-law, let's call her Kelly, the mother of the children, is on prescribed benzodiazepine for an illness that she has. My niece also suffers from mental illness, and is prescribed medication. When we were first coming to terms with John's addiction, we decided it would be best, given past scenarios with Kelly becoming irate with my mother over various situations, to keep John's addiction between a few people excluding them. This month Kelly noticed that she was missing some of her medication. She called my brother Mark to discuss with him some of her concerns about John, because she knew he was the only one that was in their house out of the ordinary and knew of his addictions when he was a teenager. Mark "spilled the beans" and told her that John was recovering from a recent addiction to painkillers/prescription medication. Kelly had a fit and called my mom demanding that my brother go to the doctors with her and explain that he is the reason she is out of medication. John had been tested twice that week using a 12 panel test that includes benzodiazepines, both results came back clean. My mom was at a loss as to what to do... she spoke to John, who understands why they believe he stole it, but insists he hasn't. Kelly also claims that John is no longer aloud to see the children and that they are scarred and traumatized by this. Kelly also claims my mother will not be able to see the children because she "kept John's addiction from her."
- How do we diffuse the situation?
- How do we fight for John? (Should we fight for John?)
- Should we trust drug tests that we buy online through a reputable source? To what extent are they valid (in general)? (I ask this question because I don’t know if I can put 100% of my faith back in John? I love him very much and want to trust that he is staying sober, but we have all been burned before…)
I'm looking for some support here. My brother, let's call him John, is recovering from an addiction to pain medicine (not prescribed). My mother has been giving him random weekly/biweekly drug tests which we buy online through a legitimate provider. He has been clean for seven months. She has also monitored his computer and cell phone use during this time to give her another sense of security that he is clean. For the past 5 years John has been watching our nieces and nephew after school while their mother and father are at work. Occasionally he has to drive the children around to various events. My sister-in-law, let's call her Kelly, the mother of the children, is on prescribed benzodiazepine for an illness that she has. My niece also suffers from mental illness, and is prescribed medication. When we were first coming to terms with John's addiction, we decided it would be best, given past scenarios with Kelly becoming irate with my mother over various situations, to keep John's addiction between a few people excluding them. This month Kelly noticed that she was missing some of her medication. She called my brother Mark to discuss with him some of her concerns about John, because she knew he was the only one that was in their house out of the ordinary and knew of his addictions when he was a teenager. Mark "spilled the beans" and told her that John was recovering from a recent addiction to painkillers/prescription medication. Kelly had a fit and called my mom demanding that my brother go to the doctors with her and explain that he is the reason she is out of medication. John had been tested twice that week using a 12 panel test that includes benzodiazepines, both results came back clean. My mom was at a loss as to what to do... she spoke to John, who understands why they believe he stole it, but insists he hasn't. Kelly also claims that John is no longer aloud to see the children and that they are scarred and traumatized by this. Kelly also claims my mother will not be able to see the children because she "kept John's addiction from her."
- How do we diffuse the situation?
- How do we fight for John? (Should we fight for John?)
- Should we trust drug tests that we buy online through a reputable source? To what extent are they valid (in general)? (I ask this question because I don’t know if I can put 100% of my faith back in John? I love him very much and want to trust that he is staying sober, but we have all been burned before…)
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Uk
Posts: 764
Originally Posted by wberpunk 
Hi All,
I'm looking for some support here. My brother, let's call him John, is recovering from an addiction to pain medicine (not prescribed). My mother has been giving him random weekly/biweekly drug tests which we buy online through a legitimate provider. He has been clean for seven months. She has also monitored his computer and cell phone use during this time to give her another sense of security that he is clean. For the past 5 years John has been watching our nieces and nephew after school while their mother and father are at work. Occasionally he has to drive the children around to various events. My sister-in-law, let's call her Kelly, the mother of the children, is on prescribed benzodiazepine for an illness that she has. My niece also suffers from mental illness, and is prescribed medication. When we were first coming to terms with John's addiction, we decided it would be best, given past scenarios with Kelly becoming irate with my mother over various situations, to keep John's addiction between a few people excluding them. This month Kelly noticed that she was missing some of her medication. She called my brother Mark to discuss with him some of her concerns about John, because she knew he was the only one that was in their house out of the ordinary and knew of his addictions when he was a teenager. Mark "spilled the beans" and told her that John was recovering from a recent addiction to painkillers/prescription medication. Kelly had a fit and called my mom demanding that my brother go to the doctors with her and explain that he is the reason she is out of medication. John had been tested twice that week using a 12 panel test that includes benzodiazepines, both results came back clean. My mom was at a loss as to what to do... she spoke to John, who understands why they believe he stole it, but insists he hasn't. Kelly also claims that John is no longer aloud to see the children and that they are scarred and traumatized by this. Kelly also claims my mother will not be able to see the children because she "kept John's addiction from her."
- How do we diffuse the situation?
- How do we fight for John? (Should we fight for John?)
- Should we trust drug tests that we buy online through a reputable source? To what extent are they valid (in general)? (I ask this question because I don’t know if I can put 100% of my faith back in John? I love him very much and want to trust that he is staying sober, but we have all been burned before…)
I'm looking for some support here. My brother, let's call him John, is recovering from an addiction to pain medicine (not prescribed). My mother has been giving him random weekly/biweekly drug tests which we buy online through a legitimate provider. He has been clean for seven months. She has also monitored his computer and cell phone use during this time to give her another sense of security that he is clean. For the past 5 years John has been watching our nieces and nephew after school while their mother and father are at work. Occasionally he has to drive the children around to various events. My sister-in-law, let's call her Kelly, the mother of the children, is on prescribed benzodiazepine for an illness that she has. My niece also suffers from mental illness, and is prescribed medication. When we were first coming to terms with John's addiction, we decided it would be best, given past scenarios with Kelly becoming irate with my mother over various situations, to keep John's addiction between a few people excluding them. This month Kelly noticed that she was missing some of her medication. She called my brother Mark to discuss with him some of her concerns about John, because she knew he was the only one that was in their house out of the ordinary and knew of his addictions when he was a teenager. Mark "spilled the beans" and told her that John was recovering from a recent addiction to painkillers/prescription medication. Kelly had a fit and called my mom demanding that my brother go to the doctors with her and explain that he is the reason she is out of medication. John had been tested twice that week using a 12 panel test that includes benzodiazepines, both results came back clean. My mom was at a loss as to what to do... she spoke to John, who understands why they believe he stole it, but insists he hasn't. Kelly also claims that John is no longer aloud to see the children and that they are scarred and traumatized by this. Kelly also claims my mother will not be able to see the children because she "kept John's addiction from her."
- How do we diffuse the situation?
- How do we fight for John? (Should we fight for John?)
- Should we trust drug tests that we buy online through a reputable source? To what extent are they valid (in general)? (I ask this question because I don’t know if I can put 100% of my faith back in John? I love him very much and want to trust that he is staying sober, but we have all been burned before…)
You're mam is enabling him. Drug testing him n monitor is mobile / internet use is not practical. It's controlling. I'm sorry I am not trying to hurt you I'm trying to help. You need to have clear boundaries n research addiction.
Look into going to al anon meetings, a place for friends n families of addicts.
As for 'Kelly' no offence but I can see where she is coming from there. Mmy ex' mam mam kept something from me, and other women after me n it cause a lot of pain not just for us but also for the kids too.
Hugs
Evey
PS you're welcome to private mag me if you want someone to talk to xxx
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
How do we diffuse the situation?
Your sister-in-law has a right to her feelings and in all honesty I would be ticked off if I were her as well he has been driving with her kids in the car.
- How do we fight for John? (Should we fight for John?)
Have you considered treating him as the adult he is and letting him live his life the way he sees fit?
- Should we trust drug tests that we buy online through a reputable source? To what extent are they valid (in general)? (I ask this question because I don’t know if I can put 100% of my faith back in John? I love him very much and want to trust that he is staying sober, but we have all been burned before…)
In all honesty no one should be drug testing him to start with.
I see a lot of things going on here that make me think maybe your family should consider going to some Al-anon or Nar-anon meetings.
keep reading here and posting check out the stickies at the top of the page they are a great start.
Your sister-in-law has a right to her feelings and in all honesty I would be ticked off if I were her as well he has been driving with her kids in the car.
- How do we fight for John? (Should we fight for John?)
Have you considered treating him as the adult he is and letting him live his life the way he sees fit?
- Should we trust drug tests that we buy online through a reputable source? To what extent are they valid (in general)? (I ask this question because I don’t know if I can put 100% of my faith back in John? I love him very much and want to trust that he is staying sober, but we have all been burned before…)
In all honesty no one should be drug testing him to start with.
I see a lot of things going on here that make me think maybe your family should consider going to some Al-anon or Nar-anon meetings.
keep reading here and posting check out the stickies at the top of the page they are a great start.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Welcome to SR.
Yours is the classic family of addiction, with a lot of enmeshment (bad boundaries), a lot of blame, attempts to control, fear, dread, resentments, self-justification, minimizing, rationalizing. Addiction is called a "family disease" because one addicted member out of control dominoes into an entire family out of control.
Since John is only 7 months clean, my feeling is that if there is a benzo anywhere within easy reach, he'll take it. That's what addicts do. They're ADDICTS. With such a short time sober (and the time frame on that is not conclusive, regardless of the tests), I would expect John to still be a liar. It takes a long time for the addict brain to stop its pattern of lying and denying. If he didn't actually ingest the benzos, he could have traded them. If he traded them, and took opioids, it's possible the drug test doesn't test for that. If it's a urine test, clean pee is everywhere.
Your mother is in a thick thick fog. She is lost in codependent behavior and she needs counseling and Al-Anon or she will lose herself entirely in her son's disordered life. And there are consequences to being a codependent: one is, if you lie about your son being an addict, if you withhold that information from someone who is unknowingly placing her children in a drug addict's care, you will LOSE THAT RELATIONSHIP and deserve to. This is just a hint of the fallout awaiting your mother if she does not seek recovery for herself. Whether she does is completely her decision as an adult, and she may not.
It sounds as if you are very twisted up in all of this--which is typical for an individual in a family with an addict--and my suggestion is that you step away from everyone involved, take a four-week break, go to Al-Anon or Nar-Anon and then reassess in a month what changes you feel you need to make for your sanity and for the health and safety of your family.
Yours is the classic family of addiction, with a lot of enmeshment (bad boundaries), a lot of blame, attempts to control, fear, dread, resentments, self-justification, minimizing, rationalizing. Addiction is called a "family disease" because one addicted member out of control dominoes into an entire family out of control.
Since John is only 7 months clean, my feeling is that if there is a benzo anywhere within easy reach, he'll take it. That's what addicts do. They're ADDICTS. With such a short time sober (and the time frame on that is not conclusive, regardless of the tests), I would expect John to still be a liar. It takes a long time for the addict brain to stop its pattern of lying and denying. If he didn't actually ingest the benzos, he could have traded them. If he traded them, and took opioids, it's possible the drug test doesn't test for that. If it's a urine test, clean pee is everywhere.
Your mother is in a thick thick fog. She is lost in codependent behavior and she needs counseling and Al-Anon or she will lose herself entirely in her son's disordered life. And there are consequences to being a codependent: one is, if you lie about your son being an addict, if you withhold that information from someone who is unknowingly placing her children in a drug addict's care, you will LOSE THAT RELATIONSHIP and deserve to. This is just a hint of the fallout awaiting your mother if she does not seek recovery for herself. Whether she does is completely her decision as an adult, and she may not.
It sounds as if you are very twisted up in all of this--which is typical for an individual in a family with an addict--and my suggestion is that you step away from everyone involved, take a four-week break, go to Al-Anon or Nar-Anon and then reassess in a month what changes you feel you need to make for your sanity and for the health and safety of your family.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 398
In the past, I would drug test my husband. To my amazement, he would usually pass them. I learned that he had been using fake urine, or something, to pass them. So then I'd start making me let him observe his tests. Ridiculous of me!
After learning so much from SR, I now don't even consider giving him drug tests. He is tested at the methadone clinic but that's laughable. They're 'random' screens, but are once a week. So, he can get tested in the morning, use that evening, and have it out of his system well before his next screen.
I've had to learn to take the focus off of him and put it where it should be- on me and my kids! Recovery looks like recovery & addiction looks like addiction.
After learning so much from SR, I now don't even consider giving him drug tests. He is tested at the methadone clinic but that's laughable. They're 'random' screens, but are once a week. So, he can get tested in the morning, use that evening, and have it out of his system well before his next screen.
I've had to learn to take the focus off of him and put it where it should be- on me and my kids! Recovery looks like recovery & addiction looks like addiction.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 398
If I were Kelly, I'd be beyond furious with your mother and anyone else who hid this from her. She was denied pertinent information that she needed when making decisions about her kids. Your mother's judgement about John's capabilities with Kelly's children is and should always be secondary to Kelly's (assuming Kelly is not unfit).
Sorry to be so harsh but I don't think anyone should be upset with Kelly.
Sorry to be so harsh but I don't think anyone should be upset with Kelly.
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