hadenoug

of all of this is that my AH has no family around here....no friends...no one else but me and the kids. He moved here from another country(10 years ago) to be with me.

So I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders when I leave. And I don't know what the right thing is to do. I know he can't drink. And I know he isn't stopping. And it isn't okay for the kids or me. But I feel this enormous amount of guilt leaving him alone.

Tuffgirl

Look at it this way - how did he make it in this world before he met you? Obviously he was managing somewhat or you wouldn't have even been attracted to him, right? So...chances are high he can take care of himself again if you leave.

CentralOhioDad

That. What TuffGirl says. He's responsible for himself, just as you take responsibility for your self.

kthopkt

You have to learn to not feel sorry for him. That was & still one of my hardest hurtles. If you keep him around because you feel sorry, you will NOT be helping him or yourself. He needs for life to be as difficult as possible if he is ever going to have any success.

Good luck.

djayr

I can really relate to what you are saying. I am trying to leave AW once and for all, but I feel SO SORRY for her because her drinking has caused her to have no drivers license, almost no friends, no job, no purpose, strained family relationships, basically no life! So I think about her and I feel sorry for her.

Part of me looks at this as mercy and empathy and compassion that I have for her, but I also realize that it's not fair for one person to lean on another person for their meaning, purpose, entertainment, etc. That is why my battery is completely drained after 18 years, also why I feel more hopeful and energized imagining that weight off my shoulders.

I am trying to "lessen the blow" of me divorcing her somehow, it's all very difficult, emotionally painful, and sad.

This whole concept of "letting them hit bottom", freaking brutal. Especially when you try to be nice in order to avoid conflict.

ShootingStar1

• He moved here from another country(10 years ago) to be with me.
• I know he can't drink.
• And I know he isn't stopping.
• And it isn't okay for the kids or me.
  
• So I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders when I leave. And I don't know what the right thing is to do. But I feel this enormous amount of guilt leaving him alone.

Four of these sentences are facts.

The other sentences are feelings.

You are entitled to act on the facts; in fact, as the sole functioning parent, it is your responsibility to take care of your kids and yourself.

Let the guilt go.

He has had 10 years in this country to establish himself, make friends, do whatever he needed to do to create a life for himself. Think about what he's done with his time. He is an adult, and it is okay for you to let HIM live with the consequences of HIS choices.

Take care of yourself and your kids. You deserve to feel proud of yourself for thinking about the hard choices and getting ready to make them.

You didn't cause his alcoholism; you can't control; and you can't cure it. So it's okay to salvage your life and your kids' lives and move on, if that's what you need to do.

ShootingStar1

Thumper

Staying out of his hoola hoop and in my own was one of the very hardest things for me to learn.

His feelings are inside his hoop. His situations, his choices, his life. They are his and he is the only one who has any business mucking around in that hoop. That is his dignity as a human being.

Look around, what is in your own hoop? I really had no idea when I was in your position. I didn't know what I felt and sure didn't know how to handle it. I had more than enough to keep me occupied in my own hoop but as long as I was rubber necking into his I could merrily ignore my own. See? The answer to the right thing is in your own hoop, independent of his.