lath

This question is about co-dependency I suppose.

Is it a good idea to clean up the mess your addicted loved one/family member leaves behind once they are in a rehab facility? Especially if it is the home of the addict alone- is there wisdom in waiting for the recovering addict to return so they can see the mess created while using? Perhaps then helping them to clean up if they'd want the help?

Is it helpful (in the long run) to clean for them, or is it controlling? Even creating a denial of reality?

I also wonder: how often is this an area where family members clash, and tend to place blame on one another for what they do or don't do?

FindingErica

Well I wouldn't want people going into my personal space without me there and cleaning up.

lath

This person is OK with it. It's been done for him many times before. It's expected actually.
I'm just wondering how overall healthy this is on the part of family members?

redatlanta

I wouldn't no way.

He expects it, and its been done many times before? Even more reason not to. Walking into a clean house is simple denial of what got him in rehab again.

Sorry about the family thing and its too bad everyone can't get on board together. As long as there is enabling there is potential for relapse or never really recovering in the first place.

Perhaps you could all meet with an addiction specialist to set guidelines as to what is appropriate or inappropriate?

Is anyone in the family attending Nar-Anon?

drc5426

I had to clean my house when I finally got the ex out. Liquor bottles hidden everywhere! I left her car the way it was. She had crashed it the day before she left but got it back to the house some how. I had the police take her keys in case she left rehab early. When she got out she had to deal with her car, that didn't run, was smashed up and had tons of liquor bottles strewn across the back seat. It was a good consequence to leave for her to return to.

kmangel

Cleaning up the messes our addicts leave behind is a codependent behavior.

lath

Thanks for the feedback.
It's confusing for me now, largely due to his family's harsh comments about my "lack of contribution" now that he is in rehab. He has been attending al-anon meetings in rehab and seems to understand that it's not my "job" to clean his house and his mess for him, but family strongly disagrees.
I've been in a relationship with him for about 9 years now, & we have a 4 year old and an 11 month old. I don't live with him now. I used to clean up for him daily. I told myself that it was normal relationship behavior and "so the kids could be safe when we visited", but having gotten some distance on the behavior, it seems that it was also very co-dependent. It never really helped in the long term, and I never got any "credit" for the hours put in.
I go over there now that he is in rehab with babies in tow once a day to walk the dog as per family agreements. I've gotten a lot of flack for "not leading the charge" and going over there more. His mother cleaned every room of his filthy house (I'd have told her not to had she asked me) and was apparently appalled that I did not.
I could go on, the drama and resentment is at a fever pitch. Honestly it's had me in tears these past few days, as it's opening some old wounds. I've been blamed over the years for his using (he used before me & I never touched the drugs in my life- crack), and although there have been apologies and supposed "healing", I was blamed this time around as well for his behavior.
His brother and mother are footing the rehab bill, so I'd assume much of this is driven by that. They believe I need to "contribute" (they don't view me raising his kids alone as contributing).

Oh, and no, no other family member seems to want to attend any meetings. I've gone alone twice, and plan on attending this Saturday if I can get child-care. Sigh- I know I need it.

I should note that he and I are in agreement that it's reasonable to wait until he returns home to begin working together on home care. Really, if he is able to take the kids out for awhile, I would not mind doing a few things around there.

Lily1918

Mine has relapsed twice since rehab, but I have seen him flush and dispose of his drugs and paraphernalia each time. he expressed a feeling of empowerment after doing it. but he did it with support, his mom and I and his dad were there each time, but the drugs were disposed of by his hands. he needed to see the mess as well, and cleaning out the filth was something he felt he needed to do as part of his recovery.

I believe him, because when I smoked pot my house was a mess!!!! One day I was halfway through a doobie and just decided to flush it all Its felt soo good!!! My only regret was watching the money I had put in the toilet. But the empowerment made me move on to the laundry pile, then the kitchen etc. before I knew it my whole house was clean and my house became a symbol to me of my life.
IMO I would wait, and then offer help to the cleaning duties. Im sure it will be accepted.

FindingErica

It's unhealthy and thatnperson needs to face their messes and pay the consequences. Maybe they will appreciate what their hard work accomplishes. Often times us codies let them off to light while sentencing ourselves to overwork, over extending ourselfes and ensuing fatigue.

soberlicious

I think offering to do it together when he gets out is reasonable. Doing something for someone that can do it themselves is not appropriate, but walking along side them on the path is often very appropriate. My family pulled together and cared for my children while I was in rehab and continued to help me out as needed when I returned. I did not expect, nor was I entitled to their help, but I am forever grateful they were there. That said, I chose to take that second chance. It is very clear between all of us that there won't be another chance. No repeat performances...that show is over.

eveleivibe

NO!!!!!! They are are a grown person they can do it themself.

Fandy

who is paying the child support for your children while he sits in rehab? who is paying the babysitter while you go and walk his dog?

I would take the dog and leave his house to mama.

jerect

My STBXAH's bedroom looks like a crack house, I used to clean it up but then he would mess it right back up again, so my efforts were just wasted and unappreciated.. guess he just likes living and sleeping in filth.. Now I just close the door.. he will be gone soon and then I can get in there and rip out the carpets and repaint the walls but until then thats his mess to clean up or live in which is what he chooses to do..

kmangel

Keep getting help for yourself. Attend Al-Anon meetings, get a counselor who specializes in addiction, read and post here at SR. When you get conflicting messages from people who are clueless about addiction, I can see how you would feel overwhelmed. It's important that you do what is the right thing to do even when others are coming down against you. One reason addicts stay trapped in their misery is because well meaning people encourage their behavior. Addicts must be made responsible for the mess they have made of their lives.

You are in good company here. You will find support and encouragement.

kthopkt

Personally I would not clean it up. Yes, I think it would help for him to see the mess. Once he see it, then it would be ok to help him.

Chino

It's a choice to stay in contact with his toxic family.

eveleivibe

Maybe 'toxic' is the right word. They may not be aware they are enabling but yes I see you point about whether its a good idea that she should stay in contact with them.

lath

I agree with this... & thank you for saying it. I've taken so much of their "stuff" to heart over the years, that I know it's done some damage. If I try to step back and look at it all, I do realize that I've been sucked into the drama for a long time. I also know that I've become an easy scapegoat. (Even an easy target for frustration. I received a "letter" written by the brother, left at the house for me, wherein he told me he and the family thought I was a "selfish, lazy, bitch" for not going there 3 times a day with the kids, not cleaning his house, etc.) I haven't spoken to the brother since. I have decided that I don't need to, & it's best that I stay apart from him totally, if only in defense of my own dignity. Not that he has bothered to contact me since the nasty letter.

Tonight, I'm typing with my "recovering addict" having been out of rehab for a week and staying with me and the kids. I've honestly been very (increasingly?) stressed, knowing that if he does anything apart from what his family deems correct, I'll get blamed for it, likely harshly. He has missed meeting, gotten back into a job that *might* be a relapse risk, and left rehab a week earlier than planned. I'm all too aware that these choices of his will be blamed on me. It is acutely stressful knowing this + worrying about him. I feel so much stress about it all, it's making me ill... & here it's the holidays with family gatherings...

I was just told an hour ago by "recovering addict" that I'm expected to go to a family Christmas event tomorrow at his mothers home. When he told me brother would be there, I said I would not be attending. I tried to be calm, but then "recovering addict" told me that I was an "idiot" and "making a big mistake" by not showing up there. Of course this hit a very raw nerve and I got emotional. All in all, he made me feel (told me) that I was crazy to be taking the stance I am. As I see it, I'd be crazy to put myself around a person who would write such an abusive, out of line, chunk of hostile words to me; acting like all is well. At what point is enough enough?

I know that I've the right to stay away from the brother (heck, all of them, but certainly him). I know I need to start standing up for myself with this family. Getting back some self respect. Over the years I showed up at many of their family events with the kids & without my partner (as he was high or drunk or hungover). I showed up smiling, even when they had been unkind to me. I feel like I've done enough to try to be a part of their family/gain their respect, & that at this point I need to stop putting up with it/brushing the nasty words and poisonous comments under the rug.

I guess I am wondering what others here think... am I being petty? Selfish? Or am I being reasonable? It's all very upsetting right now.

miamifella

This seems reasonable to me. Why would you want to go?

That whole family has a problem with the idea that behavior has consequences. If a normal person wants you to be there for the holidays, they treat you decently the rest of the year.

lath

I certainly agree with you... but I admit there is the (co-dependent?) part of me that accepts & internalizes the criticisms. And even feels like it's up to me to smooth things over. Of course I know that at this point, that would amount to accepting their scapegoating of me (and subsequent harshness/ bullying). Even agreeing with it.

My RABF (recovered addict boy-friend?) feels that I'm making myself look worse by not showing up all smiles... which hurts, because I have not been "bad" in the first place. Why do I have to prove anything to a person(s) who has projected their poop all over me?

I honestly would not expect my partner to show up were roles reversed. I suppose that says a lot.

It's very painful to realize that he expects me to go & prove anything to them at this juncture.

It feels like he is unwilling to "protect me", and that feels...hurtful. Or is he (as a newly recovering addict), just unable. Should I expect more from him?

I'm clearly having a hard time with this.