ebrahimv

Hello. I am 18 years old and my boyfriend and I were dating for 2.5 years. We broke up because college started and the distance was too much. Because of the city his college is located in he's really into the party life and drugs. Before college he would only drink and smoke weed. I never worried about either of those and so I never took action. But now that college has started he says he is "experimenting and experiencing" the true college life. Well were both freshman and doing it completely different ways. He started college with 4 classes and now is only taking 1 because he has been dropped from his other classes. He never talks to me when he's sober. I usually stay up and get the 4 am phone call of him tripping out on some type of drug or just wanted to talk or arguing. This will be the first time I see him after we broke up and I want to help him out. I know he is now using alc, weed, cocaine, acid, ecstasy, and Xanax. It scares me to see him throw away his life, were only 18! A few times over the phone I have tried talking to him about this and he always says he's fine and I'm tripping out and I just need to get over him, move on, and let him live his life (obviously I understand its because he doesn't want my help) but I can't do that. I want to be there and help him get his life back on track. I was wondering if there is any advice you guys can give me to me on how to talk to him when I see him Tuesday the 27th. He knows I'm coming so at least that's good news he wants to see me, but he doesn't know my reasoning of trying to stop him from doing what he is doing.

shockozulu

You can't get him to stop using/drinking. Period.

Welcome to SR. I'm glad you made it in one piece. I barely did.

dollydo

He is not going to get better by you helping him, he has to decide to help himself. Until he decides to quit using and embraces recovery, nothing will change.

You need to concentrate on your education,and go on with your life.

Lily1918

Welcome! Im new too but everyone has been so awesome in the short amount of time I have been here. I know how you feel my BF and I are in limbo right now. he's hooked on heroin so I can relate to wanting to help. but I want to paint a picture for you:

I am addicted to people. mainly my boyfriends, but sometimes its just attention in general. I love to be social and the life of the party. We call it codependency if you want to read the stickies up top it might give you some awesome advice well, I was a stoner for 10 years and dabbled in psychedelics. I know everyone here is going to tell you that you can't fix him. Its true, and it hurts and that's ok. Im concerned that he's doing drugs of any kind, but what scares me is that little word: acid. hypocritical I know, the one that led me here was on heroin an equally scary drug but still. be careful.
I have done it once and it scared me off of all mind altering substances forever. It literally takes you down the rabbit hole like Alice and not in a good way at all. I can't speak for other drugs but I didn't know what was real, my friends who were there tried to help me and I beat them to a bloody pulp. a 95 pound girl, taking on two 6'2 200 lb boys. knawing thier wrists when the held me down so I would stop chewing on mine, Screaming and thrashing about, breaking everything in sight, People became demons. I thought I was in a nightmare so I started banging my head on the wall to wake up. and no. not everyone has a bad trip like I did, but still... I just want you to know, someone being on a drug like acid or mushrooms have no sense of any kind of reality. I hate to confess it about myself, but I don't want you to get hurt because you seem to have such a beautiful heart. My friends were trying to help me the same way, but I dropped (took) it because I wanted to and no one ever could have stopped me. I even physically abused the ones I loved and destroyed my house. I just want you to know, it really is dangerous for the bystanders.

But you are 18! oh how I would love to be that age again. How are you doing in school? Do you play sports or a musical instrument?

ebrahimv

Thank you for sharing your story with me! It does have a different affect hearing someone that has actually been through it. I told another person I was going there to talk to him and they told me if I know he's using I shouldn't be there alone and now I can finally see why. Before that it never made sense to me. School is hard but I'm loving it. It's very different transforming from high school to a university! I play basketball on a club team and I wish I continued playing the piano, because now I regret screwing around during practices because it is such a unique language being able to play an instrument if that makes any sense it's like a different peaceful world.

Lily1918

Yes piano has a sweet spot with me too <3

Redapples

Jon is getting out of recovery tomorrow. He is scared. He had to go in on Thursday of last week and out tomorrow. He did this on his own, he realized he was losing everyone, job etc. He came clean with his family and ofcourse they are really upset. He didn't listen when I told him how I felt. He didn't care when his bills were not being paid. He didn't care when his kid was out wandering the streets. Your friend is going to say all the right things and say he will quit etc. But when you leave it will still be up to him whether he will or not. Don't be shocked if he looks like he is 30lbs lighter depending on what he is taking.
Just remember this is his not yours.

Jody675

ebrahimv, the advise you are going to get in here is just to let your ex life the life he wants to. no matter how much you love him, want to help him, support him, you can not control, cure, or cause him to take drugs. let him be. i know it sounds cold, but the best thing you can do for him now, is walk away and let him sort out his own life. hes an adult, and to be honest, you have no say in how he lives his life right now. he doesnt want your help, and he wont appreciate it. you could end up wasting your life on a guy who just isnt worth it.

the reason i came to this site is that i was in a relationship with a guy for 7 months. he had been taking drugs for 20years before i met him. acid, pot, meth, cocaine, ecstasy, you name it, he tried it. he loved most of them. he quit about 2 years before i met him. after he had beaten 2 bouts of cancer. he had stopped drinking until he met me. i am a social drinker. i had no idea that he doesnt have limits. he drank more and more. he also took acid from time to time. he loved it. he is a chemist, and knows a lot about the drugs, the effects, how to make them, everything. all of his friends are related to his addictions. i got to the point that i didnt want me or my children part of that life. he never grew up. he had the maturity of someone in their late teens. he liked to go out with his mates and get drunk and take acid. do stupid stuff. this is a very smart man. but drugs has altered his life. the people on this site educated me about what i was in for if i stayed with him. they didnt paint a very good picture for our future. i broke up with him, got back together after he promised to stop drinking and taking acid. a week later he went out with a mate and drank again (so much for his promise to me hey). i left him the next day and havent looked back. he is a sweet and kind person. but i learnt from here, that i have no ability to help him. he has to want that. your help will only hinder (enable) his recovery.

i hope you do whats best for you, and let him decide his own future. good luck.

ebrahimv

Thank you guys for helping me out with all these advices! And yes I have already heard from someone else he has lost a lot of weight so I'm preparing myself and expecting the worst when I do see him. I think I will take in all that you guys have said and based on our conversation on Tuesday if I should just let go and move on or try to stick around and casually talk to him once in a while to see now his life is going because even though right now I live 3 hours away and barely talk to him he is constantly on my mind and its keeping me back from living my life.

Jody675

ebrayhimv, i have am exbf who i have kept in contact with for the last 7 years on and off, and we have tried relationships (he lives interstate) and i am no longer interested, but he has never given up hope that we will get back together. it is wasting his life (and i wasted mine as well when i felt like he does now). i know its hard to let go and move on, but by letting him know that you are always be there for him, you are setting yourself up for a great fall. and stopping him from hitting his rock bottom. you think you are helping, but when you ask everyone here if all the support and love they gave to their loved ones helped, i think you will find that very few would repeat their support knowing what they know now. most now just say, dont contact me until you are clean. read all the sticks...also look up all that cynical one has written...there is some amazing stuff there, and go find youself the book, codependency no more and i think the other is women who love too much. they might help you see what the real reason is for you wanting to help. he isnt a puppy. he is an adult. let him make his own mistakes. i know you can see that what he is doing is not healthy or beneficial to a happy and healthy life, but he has find that out on his own. i doubt i would even go on tuesday, but maybe seeing how pathetic he now looks might help, but im going to guess its just going to want you to help him even more. i really hope you dont get dragged into his hell. no matter what type of pretty picture he is painting for his life, listen to the people in here who have been there, or currently living it. it is all consuming. is that what you want in your life? a selfish friend or bf who has nothing to offer you but lies and manipulation, abuse, and pain. you sounds like a smart person. act smart and leave him to your past and live your life with happy and healthy people. leave the drama and chaos to him.

ebrahimv

Yeah thank you so much. From what it looks like I might just end up going and seeing him and not bringing up anything and after that losing contact for sometime to let him hit rock bottom because I know as far as I'm in the picture showing that I care and trying to help he won't hit rock bottom. Thank you for all your advice and help. It sucks to see it happen but at this point none of us have any other choice