FarawayFromCars

Hi Everyone,

As the holiday approaches, my boundaries are bring tested by ASis. My mom is terminally ill and this will be her last Thanksgiving. I don't want ASis to ruin it. ASis asked for a ride to my folks' place for Thanksgiving. She has been off and on again sober, so naturally I'm nervous about this. I wrote her an email clearly laying out the ground rules:
(1) ASis can ride with us to Thanksgiving if she remains clean and sober. If she shows up and is intoxicated or smells of alcohol, she will not be able to ride with us and attend Thanksgiving.

(2) ASis will show us the contents of her bag before we go; in the past it has been her practice to sneak alcohol this way. She cannot ride with us if she has hidden alcohol or if she refuses to show us the contents of her bag.

(3) ASis will show up on time. If she does not, we will not wait for her.

(4) ASis can choose to take the bus if she does not want to adhere by these rules.

(5) I let ASis know that I went over these rules with my folks; no surprises for anyone.

I have stated these boundaries with no apologies. Feeling uncomfortable because, even after years of this, it's hard to say what I want and feel comfotable with it.

StarCat

Those sound like fair and reasonable boundaries to me!

You aren't trying to control her actions, you are stating that you won't enable her to have a free drunken ride to ruin Thanksgiving.
You are setting boundaries for the peace and serenity of those riding with you to Thanksgiving, and ensuring that you will not feel any obligation to leave early to take her home if she starts causing a drunken scene.

BlueSkies1

I'm tense about Thanksgiving also, for different reasons--my family has its own baggage. Maybe not alcoholic, but wacky in its very special unique snowflake kind of way. Ha!
Let's both go knowing that the worst case scenario could happen. Your sis could find a way to hide alcohol in unmentionable places for transport. She could make an utter fool of herself, puke on the table and have to be restrained.
Expectations.
If we don't try to control others, and don't carry expectations, they won't let us down--because we're not expecting anything of them.
whew! That releases a burden of illusionary control for me.
Sis's dog could jump up on all our legs and leave them with tons of bruises again. Her kids could run around the house screaming, crying, and her husband could get mean and ugly trying to stop them. The religious arguments could start, politics, past resentments, and the turkey could end up heaved across the room as a missle directed at someone.

Nobody else's problem is my problem. If I have to, I'll sit back and watch the show, and when I've had enough, I'll remove myself from the chaos.

expenguin

Wow.... I have issues with my other half drinking on days he doesn't have to be at work...it bothers me and has been an issue this time of year when the Holidays show up.... I hate it and it ruins everything for my and my daughter..

Seems that I pray for changes this time of year as my wedding anniv. is also this time of year and a non sober one is never what I get..... I don't like celebrating anything this time of year........... I hate the Holidays now... as I thought when I ruined them for myself years ago that maybe my Recovery would Change my life for the better.

Never thought I would have to work around my other half after all these years .... but when we got married a sober life is all we dreamed of forever..... NOT .... as after a few years he gave in...

For the rest of you..... who don't want drunk relatives around .... I wish you luck in keeping the rules in front of them..... Holiday Celebrations should be fun for everyone and not CRASHED by those that think Drinking is what livens up the Party.....

I pray for the Peace of the Holiday time for all of us that want it quiet and fun... in a much sober and drug free way...... Hope is in the Air.... I pray for you all today...

Little penguin

dbh

I have stopped expecting my family members to change. I can't change their behavior, I can only change how I react to their behavior.

Also, having an "escape plan" in place is extremely important for me.

db

ShootingStar1

Wow, MadeOfGlass, what a picture! I can just see dogs jumping on and off the table while children wail and crawl in and out of the table legs, papa chases them with a squirt gun, and the turkey flies here and there, propelled by angry ranting relatives waving drumsticks while spouting opposing political theories, some clinking wine glasses in agreement, some throwing the crystal as an expression of their political distaste, have we gotten to religion yet?

Maybe the reason turkey is soporific and makes people go to sleep is otherwise we'd all kill each other on Thanksgiving...

So maybe, if none of us have THAT for Thanksgiving, we've all succeeded in surviving another "holiday"...

Here's my situation: my family of origin is truly nuts, psychotic and alcoholic, and I don't see them because they like to make a terrible triangle with me in the hot seat. Did terrible things, stole money, abusive, you name it. I used to feel like they carved me up instead of the turkey... Toxic, long gone from my life. My SIL died a year ago but she used to bait myAH and that was fun, he'd end up drunk, bellowing, in his "I HATE women" mode; my son and daughter-in-law and their twins are at his in-laws this year out of town; my AH cursed my kids as rotters and blamed me for his being alone, so he's not on my list either; his son prefers to gamble on-line and never showed up... ; his daughters won't talk to him...

In the past, I've had meltdowns around Thanksgiving and feeling abandoned and unwanted. No more.

This year, my grown daughter and I are having a "girl's weekend", with stuffed Cornish hens, brownies with chocolate chips and fudge frosting as our "pie", movies, including Julia and the Julia Child bio, and as many chic flics and as much shopping as we can squeeze in, plus some walks by the ocean.

Time for new traditions! I feel like Tevya in Fiddler On the Roof singing about Tradition! My old ones wore out, so I get to choose new ones. I think I'll keep the brownie/chocolate chip/fudge "pie"!!

ShootingStar1

FarawayFromCars

Thanks all. I agree that being aware of our own expectations is a biggie, too. She has never been sober before on the holidays, so why should that change now? I can only control my own boundaries and rules and the way I react to her choices. This T'giving is important to me because of my mom; otherwise, I probably would choose to do something else or go to my in-laws (far saner). And I have an escape plan; we can choose to extricate ourselves if need be. I have that right.

expenguin

We all have to keep the escape plans handy as you never know when they will be needed....

I for one keep praying that Changes will happen even if it means I make those changes myself..... but I have no job and can't work with a disability that only allows me to work an hour or two each day.... even that is more than I can handle if it is easy work I'm ok... otherwise no...

Today I pray for the best Holiday time I could have with family and that is all I can do.... God will take care of the rest and help with the rest if need be....

I agree to set the "Rules" for everyone that will try to cross the line ..... the line of any Rules set against those that just have had enough of the Hard Drinking and much more... during the holidays or any family gatherings...

Keep the Faith you all and God will help make the Changes ..... in our families.... Holidays are too important to have troublemakers around....Family is too important for me to have someone walk in Drunk or doing Drugs...... just won't put up with it myself as the little kids around will think it is something they can join in on..... if you have little ones that think anyones purse is for them to go through...

Hang in there everyone and know that I pray for you all and my own family this Holiday time........ Turkey dinners do knock most of us out for a while..... and the movies watching sounds great....

redatlanta

We will be having T-day with my inlaws. Alcohol won't be a problem. They are the problem. Dysfunction junction. It is entertaining though. I just try to cook something edible. The bird is usually a death sentence.