Wishing to be more like him...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 34
Wishing to be more like him...
Hello friends,
Its been a while! After the end of my horrific experience with am axbf I went away for a month...it was wonderful. My family is from a beautiful island thousands of miles away and I sat there alone with my thoughts and meditated and prayed. I felt like I was healing.
Ive been back two weeks and all of a sudden I feel like I am slipping off the side of a cliff. Every thing seems to have come rushing back.
I am so mad at myself. There is nothing that says this person is worth any of this trouble. But here I am again feeling worthless and wondering how some one could just discard me like a piece of trash.
I changed my number so he could not contact me and the last I heard from him was an email claiming he had "woken up in a mental ward" and that " a call would be nice" ???!! I was dumbfounded.
After getting me pregnant purposefully so I wouldn't leave him and then telling me he would "kill himself" if I had the child and that he had done this before to "four other women" he disappeared and left me to fend for myself. Then re-appears telling me "a call would be nice". Thats it.
I know its best he doesn't but every day I wake up knowing there is no concerned message from him on my phone, no email making sure I am making through ok. I feel like Ive been hit all over again and it happened yesterday...
The pain is unbearable I feel like this is never going to end. I do not sleep. I do not eat. I dream of him every night. Horrible dreams of chasing him after finding him with other women. Me crying and begging him to tell me why he did this to me and them both laughing at me...every night.
I watched an episode of Intervention yesterday and I was actually jealous. I WANT TO BE able to to just be so completely oblivious of my pain like the people on that show. I want to nod off and just not wake up so I never have to feel this way again. Why dont I get to forget??
There are no answers. No rhyme or reason. And no one understands because I should just be "over it" because "he isn't worth it." My life has been entirely destroyed by someone who hasn't even looked back. And I would rather endure physical pain than this.
How worthless must I think I am that am still sitting here feeling this way? What a fool I was for thinking this person loved me. And what a fool I am for grieving for someone who was so unbelievably abusive. To miss someone who perhaps, has not thought of me for more than a moment. I want to know how to do that. Someone tell me how to to that....
Its been a while! After the end of my horrific experience with am axbf I went away for a month...it was wonderful. My family is from a beautiful island thousands of miles away and I sat there alone with my thoughts and meditated and prayed. I felt like I was healing.
Ive been back two weeks and all of a sudden I feel like I am slipping off the side of a cliff. Every thing seems to have come rushing back.
I am so mad at myself. There is nothing that says this person is worth any of this trouble. But here I am again feeling worthless and wondering how some one could just discard me like a piece of trash.
I changed my number so he could not contact me and the last I heard from him was an email claiming he had "woken up in a mental ward" and that " a call would be nice" ???!! I was dumbfounded.
After getting me pregnant purposefully so I wouldn't leave him and then telling me he would "kill himself" if I had the child and that he had done this before to "four other women" he disappeared and left me to fend for myself. Then re-appears telling me "a call would be nice". Thats it.
I know its best he doesn't but every day I wake up knowing there is no concerned message from him on my phone, no email making sure I am making through ok. I feel like Ive been hit all over again and it happened yesterday...
The pain is unbearable I feel like this is never going to end. I do not sleep. I do not eat. I dream of him every night. Horrible dreams of chasing him after finding him with other women. Me crying and begging him to tell me why he did this to me and them both laughing at me...every night.
I watched an episode of Intervention yesterday and I was actually jealous. I WANT TO BE able to to just be so completely oblivious of my pain like the people on that show. I want to nod off and just not wake up so I never have to feel this way again. Why dont I get to forget??
There are no answers. No rhyme or reason. And no one understands because I should just be "over it" because "he isn't worth it." My life has been entirely destroyed by someone who hasn't even looked back. And I would rather endure physical pain than this.
How worthless must I think I am that am still sitting here feeling this way? What a fool I was for thinking this person loved me. And what a fool I am for grieving for someone who was so unbelievably abusive. To miss someone who perhaps, has not thought of me for more than a moment. I want to know how to do that. Someone tell me how to to that....
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Your pain is not a result of how much he loved you. Rather it is a result of how deeply you loved.
Aren't you glad you are capable of loving that deeply? Think if the world were as it must be to others who do not not that deeply...the colors must be less bright, the sun less warm, the signs of life less--well--full of life, and more subdued...dingy...gray.
Your heartache mirrors the depth of your love. Only you get credit for how much you love someone, not the object of your love. And to be funny and use an AA saying--Your love--they didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it.
Once again, the power is back in your own hands.
How do you learn to be detached like he appears in your mind? Callous? Selfish?
You might want to read "women who love too much". It won't teach you that, but it will teach you other things about yourself.
When someone knocks you down, get back up. Lift yourself up. How? Take that love energy--and give it to the person in the mirror. Treat her feelings with the same amount of concern that you gave to him. Be just as upset as you were with him, when she isn't looking out for your heart, and redirect that concern to yourself, away from him. Baby her emotions...or if that sounds condenscending...take care of her!
It's your job to look out for your own heart. We sometimes forget that when we are catering to someone else. You have a job to do here...get to work. The woman in the mirror needs you right now more than anybody else does.
If I have learned anything from the severe pain I went through, it's that I am the person who has to look out for me. Whenever I am feeling badly, then I am neglecting myself, my needs.
Stop expecting your heart to be able to take anything that comes your way. Some of us weren't taught in childhood to protect ourselves...and we have to learn it painfully in adulthood.
Aren't you glad you are capable of loving that deeply? Think if the world were as it must be to others who do not not that deeply...the colors must be less bright, the sun less warm, the signs of life less--well--full of life, and more subdued...dingy...gray.
Your heartache mirrors the depth of your love. Only you get credit for how much you love someone, not the object of your love. And to be funny and use an AA saying--Your love--they didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it.
Once again, the power is back in your own hands.
How do you learn to be detached like he appears in your mind? Callous? Selfish?
You might want to read "women who love too much". It won't teach you that, but it will teach you other things about yourself.
When someone knocks you down, get back up. Lift yourself up. How? Take that love energy--and give it to the person in the mirror. Treat her feelings with the same amount of concern that you gave to him. Be just as upset as you were with him, when she isn't looking out for your heart, and redirect that concern to yourself, away from him. Baby her emotions...or if that sounds condenscending...take care of her!
It's your job to look out for your own heart. We sometimes forget that when we are catering to someone else. You have a job to do here...get to work. The woman in the mirror needs you right now more than anybody else does.
If I have learned anything from the severe pain I went through, it's that I am the person who has to look out for me. Whenever I am feeling badly, then I am neglecting myself, my needs.
Stop expecting your heart to be able to take anything that comes your way. Some of us weren't taught in childhood to protect ourselves...and we have to learn it painfully in adulthood.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Hi,
I totally understand how you feel. It is difficult getting through the end of a relationship especially one where you got really hurt. You don't want to be like him/them. Addiction is a pathological way of relating to the world, a way of escaping pain but it's only a temporary fix. They hurt themselves and people around them. They are a festering mess of emotions. They abuse people to feel better about themselves. If you are anything like me you probably ignored some red flags because you were lonely and wanted to be loved.
It sounds like you have been depressed. I started seeing a therapist back in October to process some of my pain and try and feel better about myself. After my breakup my self esteem was a complete mess and I felt worthless too. You have to understand that these feelings are normal but you don't want to torment yourself like you have been doing. What can you do to take your mind off of this for a while? I have found that meditation is good as well as trying to do more creative things. I suffer from anxiety too, which has not exactly helped the process...lol
My therapist tells me that our feelings come from our thoughts so if you want to feel better, you need to change your way of thinking. Be glad you got away from him when you did. Please try to focus on something positive in your life instead of him.
I totally understand how you feel. It is difficult getting through the end of a relationship especially one where you got really hurt. You don't want to be like him/them. Addiction is a pathological way of relating to the world, a way of escaping pain but it's only a temporary fix. They hurt themselves and people around them. They are a festering mess of emotions. They abuse people to feel better about themselves. If you are anything like me you probably ignored some red flags because you were lonely and wanted to be loved.
It sounds like you have been depressed. I started seeing a therapist back in October to process some of my pain and try and feel better about myself. After my breakup my self esteem was a complete mess and I felt worthless too. You have to understand that these feelings are normal but you don't want to torment yourself like you have been doing. What can you do to take your mind off of this for a while? I have found that meditation is good as well as trying to do more creative things. I suffer from anxiety too, which has not exactly helped the process...lol
My therapist tells me that our feelings come from our thoughts so if you want to feel better, you need to change your way of thinking. Be glad you got away from him when you did. Please try to focus on something positive in your life instead of him.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
"After getting me pregnant purposefully so I wouldn't leave him and then telling me he would "kill himself" if I had the child and that he had done this before to "four other women" he disappeared and left me to fend for myself. Then re-appears telling me "a call would be nice". Thats it." (abandonedluv)
^^^^^ Keep rereading this^^^^^ something is seriously wrong here. This guy is twisted, sick, shallow, morally bankrupt and an effin jerk. Gently I ask, you find his character and actions that of a worthy partner???? This is his MO, he plays games with other people's lives, this is UNACCETABLE.
^^^^^ Keep rereading this^^^^^ something is seriously wrong here. This guy is twisted, sick, shallow, morally bankrupt and an effin jerk. Gently I ask, you find his character and actions that of a worthy partner???? This is his MO, he plays games with other people's lives, this is UNACCETABLE.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New England
Posts: 350
You can't "just get over it," but you will get through and beyond it. You are a worthwhile human being. Be as kind to yourself as you would to a friend while you are suffering, and know that you WILL GET THROUGH.
Practical thoughts now, you do need to eat and sleep. Are you able to meditate, even a little? It sounds like that has worked for you in the past. If you feel like you can't eat, just eat a few bites. When I was in the middle of serious drama last year, I could manage three bites before throwing up because I was such a wreck. So, that's what I did. Journaling can be helpful and cathartic. Write letters that you DON'T send. Deep breathing, maybe yoga. Whatever positive things you can do to get to the other side of this awful time...
Practical thoughts now, you do need to eat and sleep. Are you able to meditate, even a little? It sounds like that has worked for you in the past. If you feel like you can't eat, just eat a few bites. When I was in the middle of serious drama last year, I could manage three bites before throwing up because I was such a wreck. So, that's what I did. Journaling can be helpful and cathartic. Write letters that you DON'T send. Deep breathing, maybe yoga. Whatever positive things you can do to get to the other side of this awful time...
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Oregon
Posts: 138
Abandonedluv,
I understand how you feel, I really do. Your story is so much like my own with my ex-abf. He wanted me to have a kid so bad but I never got pregnant, and for me that was a good thing. All I can do is let you know you’re now alone. No matter how bad you feel there are people on here (SR) and myself that understand.
With my ex-abf I supported him, paid for everything and in the end when I could no longer pay for our apartment because my Mom was in ICU for 4 months and I had not worked, he walked away. I was left homeless, no money and no job asking my sick Mom if she could pay for the storage unit so I can store my life away to find a sofa or somewhere to go. It’s amazing how when it’s over and we no longer can support their habit they vanish.
I feel your pain. I didn’t know I could hurt this way, I didn’t know one person can make me feel like a dirt or even lower than dirt. I was always and will be again strong and confident, but I also will work harder than my ex-abf will ever at understanding why I let anyone make me feel anyway other than the wonderful person I am.
Now I’m rebuilding and you will too, try to be kind to yourself. Being a fool is not what you are. I felt that way to, but I have to say how lucky are we that we can truly love, have the feeling and be able to put words to them?
Now my ex-abf cannot do that, he will not talk, write or even feel the pain we are going through. Why would he? He would rather drink those awful, painful feelings away then actually talk or work through them.
You’ll never understand why or the reason behind there sick minds. When alcoholic is involved there is a sick person in that body and what they say combined with their actions are two completely different things.
I found calling or texting my ex-abf was a waste of time. He went back to his ex-girlfriend. He blocked my number to say I was a cancer and many other awful things that I had believed because of my own insecurities and my belief I had in a man that was sick. I’d never been in an abusive relationship before or even with an alcoholic. I thought I was creating the chaos and he had me believe I was to blame for everything including his non-stop drinking and not going to work.
When it finally hit me a month after our break up that I missed him, I was laughed at me and thought I’m the sick person. He told everyone how I abused him; hit him daily in the face. Now I’m not sure what relationship he was in but that never happened. In the last few months we were together I called the cops 4 times on him since he was out of control drinking but he would run away before they would show up.
He was abusing me. How unfair is that from an alcoholic that I now see is an overgrown child.
I to have been not sleeping, eating and dream nightly of him, it’s a killer inside your soul. It has been three month total that I’ve been this way and all that helps is talking about it.
So really I only find help with sitting with the pain, breath through it, read a ton, talk to people, go to alanon and just know he didn’t forget about you.
They never forget instead they dull their pain with more alcohol and people that will listen to there never ending “victim” story. Stay strong and post here on SR for support. Take care,
I understand how you feel, I really do. Your story is so much like my own with my ex-abf. He wanted me to have a kid so bad but I never got pregnant, and for me that was a good thing. All I can do is let you know you’re now alone. No matter how bad you feel there are people on here (SR) and myself that understand.
With my ex-abf I supported him, paid for everything and in the end when I could no longer pay for our apartment because my Mom was in ICU for 4 months and I had not worked, he walked away. I was left homeless, no money and no job asking my sick Mom if she could pay for the storage unit so I can store my life away to find a sofa or somewhere to go. It’s amazing how when it’s over and we no longer can support their habit they vanish.
I feel your pain. I didn’t know I could hurt this way, I didn’t know one person can make me feel like a dirt or even lower than dirt. I was always and will be again strong and confident, but I also will work harder than my ex-abf will ever at understanding why I let anyone make me feel anyway other than the wonderful person I am.
Now I’m rebuilding and you will too, try to be kind to yourself. Being a fool is not what you are. I felt that way to, but I have to say how lucky are we that we can truly love, have the feeling and be able to put words to them?
Now my ex-abf cannot do that, he will not talk, write or even feel the pain we are going through. Why would he? He would rather drink those awful, painful feelings away then actually talk or work through them.
You’ll never understand why or the reason behind there sick minds. When alcoholic is involved there is a sick person in that body and what they say combined with their actions are two completely different things.
I found calling or texting my ex-abf was a waste of time. He went back to his ex-girlfriend. He blocked my number to say I was a cancer and many other awful things that I had believed because of my own insecurities and my belief I had in a man that was sick. I’d never been in an abusive relationship before or even with an alcoholic. I thought I was creating the chaos and he had me believe I was to blame for everything including his non-stop drinking and not going to work.
When it finally hit me a month after our break up that I missed him, I was laughed at me and thought I’m the sick person. He told everyone how I abused him; hit him daily in the face. Now I’m not sure what relationship he was in but that never happened. In the last few months we were together I called the cops 4 times on him since he was out of control drinking but he would run away before they would show up.
He was abusing me. How unfair is that from an alcoholic that I now see is an overgrown child.
I to have been not sleeping, eating and dream nightly of him, it’s a killer inside your soul. It has been three month total that I’ve been this way and all that helps is talking about it.
So really I only find help with sitting with the pain, breath through it, read a ton, talk to people, go to alanon and just know he didn’t forget about you.
They never forget instead they dull their pain with more alcohol and people that will listen to there never ending “victim” story. Stay strong and post here on SR for support. Take care,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 34
Thank you everyone. So much. I had forgotten how good it felt to not feel alone in this mess. Sad, we are all here under this circumstance but I am grateful nonetheless.
I am trying. So so hard...
Sad but comforting too: that so many of these stories are out of some twisted text book. All the same.
He too claimed his ex was a psychotic hose beast who abused him and put him down.
Come to find out he had domestic charges against him and was forbidden from being near her again. Fantastical stories of how she had done horrible things to him.
How much I was not like her and how much more "precious to him" I was than her. Yet, he has (I am almost 100% sure) ended up back with her now that the restraints have been lifted...it was a mere two weeks after I heard she had returned to the country that suddenly I was a "nagging" witch who was driving him to drink more...his words.
I was some in between, gullable dumb__. As soon as she could be near, I was like a used candy wrapper...
It bugs me that I know he is sitting with her again, claiming the same garbage about me. It irks me. Haunts me. Because it couldn't be farther from the truth...what bothers me even more (and this is pathetic) is that this other girl probably isn't a crazy hose beast as he described. But a girl just like me. A victim, a hostage.
Now they get to live their romance and I am here alone with my guilt and sadness and pain and this HUGE VAT of unanswered questions. I get to be the running joke amongst everyone they know: his sister who used to tell me I was the best thing that ever happened to him, his best friend who asked me what I saw in him, his alcoholic father who bet him last year that a "good woman" like me would be "done with someone" like him in "six months max".
All these people. I am a joke to myself and to them.
It's like this isn't just a break up but all of my worst nightmares realized and I am trapped in it.
This city is small and we are musicians. Today a friend on my list 'liked' his other band (we had a pretty successful one until he showed up hammered to rehearsal one too many times). It showed up on my feed and I felt everything inside me lurch. Seeing that recent photo of him with that smug look on his face. For someone with a history like his, I expected to see something in his eyes. But there is nothing. Just that half smile. Pleased with himself...
Thank you for the kind words. I am going to force myself to eat something. And find an Al Anon meeting for tomorrow...
I am trying. So so hard...
Sad but comforting too: that so many of these stories are out of some twisted text book. All the same.
He too claimed his ex was a psychotic hose beast who abused him and put him down.
Come to find out he had domestic charges against him and was forbidden from being near her again. Fantastical stories of how she had done horrible things to him.
How much I was not like her and how much more "precious to him" I was than her. Yet, he has (I am almost 100% sure) ended up back with her now that the restraints have been lifted...it was a mere two weeks after I heard she had returned to the country that suddenly I was a "nagging" witch who was driving him to drink more...his words.
I was some in between, gullable dumb__. As soon as she could be near, I was like a used candy wrapper...
It bugs me that I know he is sitting with her again, claiming the same garbage about me. It irks me. Haunts me. Because it couldn't be farther from the truth...what bothers me even more (and this is pathetic) is that this other girl probably isn't a crazy hose beast as he described. But a girl just like me. A victim, a hostage.
Now they get to live their romance and I am here alone with my guilt and sadness and pain and this HUGE VAT of unanswered questions. I get to be the running joke amongst everyone they know: his sister who used to tell me I was the best thing that ever happened to him, his best friend who asked me what I saw in him, his alcoholic father who bet him last year that a "good woman" like me would be "done with someone" like him in "six months max".
All these people. I am a joke to myself and to them.
It's like this isn't just a break up but all of my worst nightmares realized and I am trapped in it.
This city is small and we are musicians. Today a friend on my list 'liked' his other band (we had a pretty successful one until he showed up hammered to rehearsal one too many times). It showed up on my feed and I felt everything inside me lurch. Seeing that recent photo of him with that smug look on his face. For someone with a history like his, I expected to see something in his eyes. But there is nothing. Just that half smile. Pleased with himself...
Thank you for the kind words. I am going to force myself to eat something. And find an Al Anon meeting for tomorrow...
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