Dealing with recovering addict
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 72
Dealing with recovering addict
HI I am new to this group. My Ex-Husband is a recovering addict..(last time he used that I know of was the end of August) Most recent drug of choice was sniffing Oxy however I am still not sure if there was Herion involved and deffinatley has used crack many times in the past..... He was or is seeing a dr. who does syboxone treatments and is supposed to go to group once a week, he has missed the last three weeks.. IS THAT A SIGN?
Here is my ? and or problem. We have a 4 year old and and I have a 16 year old from a previous marriage.. He seems like he is on the road to recovery, but as usual all of this is so hard to tell as its's hard to believe anything anymore... I have been entertaining thoughts of reconsiling down the line if he were really to stay sober and change, but that for me would take time.. He is not understanding that it doesn't happen over night and thinks that just 4 months is enough time to let him back in... My 16 year old doesn't want him around as he is affraid of a relapse which include my ex to become very mean to me etc.(THIS HAS HAPPENED A FEW TIMES BEFORE) he blames the fact that he screwed up and misses his family and couldnt deal with the pain as the reason for using.... AM I BEING JUST PLAIN STUPID!
Here is my ? and or problem. We have a 4 year old and and I have a 16 year old from a previous marriage.. He seems like he is on the road to recovery, but as usual all of this is so hard to tell as its's hard to believe anything anymore... I have been entertaining thoughts of reconsiling down the line if he were really to stay sober and change, but that for me would take time.. He is not understanding that it doesn't happen over night and thinks that just 4 months is enough time to let him back in... My 16 year old doesn't want him around as he is affraid of a relapse which include my ex to become very mean to me etc.(THIS HAS HAPPENED A FEW TIMES BEFORE) he blames the fact that he screwed up and misses his family and couldnt deal with the pain as the reason for using.... AM I BEING JUST PLAIN STUPID!
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Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 98
Hey there
Wanted to say hi and chat about your situation. I'm not married but I'm engaged to my A. My guy just came home from rehab around the beginning of the month. He did the same things..herion...crack...and I guess whatever else he could get his hands on. This whole year has been nothing but hell. And I want you to know I know exactly where you are coming from about wanting to believe them and hoping they can stay clean...but from what I see on here...seems to be a unlikely reality. Especially if he's missing meetings. I know if I knew my was not going to meetings ...started missing I'd just assume he was using. I didn't think it could be that black and white but I think it is. And I feel ya on the trust thing...I'm the exact same way. You don't trust them. And my AF doesn't understand either what he's done. He's walking around happy on prozac and wonders why I'm so miserable. I know I allow this to happen and I'm working on getting myself together but the fact still remains. I just don't know if we can get back to where we were... too much damage has been done and staying clean is not a guarantee. Hang in there and talk to the many people on here. They can help guide ya in the right direction. Good luck
Wanted to say hi and chat about your situation. I'm not married but I'm engaged to my A. My guy just came home from rehab around the beginning of the month. He did the same things..herion...crack...and I guess whatever else he could get his hands on. This whole year has been nothing but hell. And I want you to know I know exactly where you are coming from about wanting to believe them and hoping they can stay clean...but from what I see on here...seems to be a unlikely reality. Especially if he's missing meetings. I know if I knew my was not going to meetings ...started missing I'd just assume he was using. I didn't think it could be that black and white but I think it is. And I feel ya on the trust thing...I'm the exact same way. You don't trust them. And my AF doesn't understand either what he's done. He's walking around happy on prozac and wonders why I'm so miserable. I know I allow this to happen and I'm working on getting myself together but the fact still remains. I just don't know if we can get back to where we were... too much damage has been done and staying clean is not a guarantee. Hang in there and talk to the many people on here. They can help guide ya in the right direction. Good luck
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Welcome to SR. You found a great site for support and information. You may not always like what you read but sometimes the truth can be very painful.
Put the needs of children first. IMO, he doesn't sound like he has found recovery at all. I hear excuses, blame, denial, and manipulation in his attempt to get back with you.
Many addicts want to come home, so their addiction is "protected." The addiction wants to thrive and being home allows the addiction's lies to continue. "See, I am not that bad. I have my family back" The more his lies are believed, the stronger the addiction becomes. It took me a long time to understand this but it was 100% true.
Read the stickies and educate yourself. Less then 10% (probably much less) of addicts recover for life. Your 16yrs fears of very legitimate.
What have you been doing to work on you? Have you addressed your issues?
Put the needs of children first. IMO, he doesn't sound like he has found recovery at all. I hear excuses, blame, denial, and manipulation in his attempt to get back with you.
Many addicts want to come home, so their addiction is "protected." The addiction wants to thrive and being home allows the addiction's lies to continue. "See, I am not that bad. I have my family back" The more his lies are believed, the stronger the addiction becomes. It took me a long time to understand this but it was 100% true.
Read the stickies and educate yourself. Less then 10% (probably much less) of addicts recover for life. Your 16yrs fears of very legitimate.
What have you been doing to work on you? Have you addressed your issues?
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 72
Thanks.. He seems to think he isn't like "everyone" else.. and he only used to fill a void and that it is not a real problem, but he sold everything he had to use... that seems like a HUGE problem to me.. I want him to get better but he makes it seem as if the only way for him to get better is to get his family back and I think it is the other way around.. IF you can get better then there is hope... idk
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Join Date: Nov 2012
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Work on me... who has time for that (just kidding).. I was seeing a counselor but think it is time to find another one.. FAST! I am running myself into the ground with work and kids and trying to balance it all. No excuse I know... I think it is very helpful to read posts from here and finally open up my ugly story as well...
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Join Date: Apr 2004
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(((((jewel)))))
NO you are not being 'plain stupid'!
Early recovery for anyone and especially the A is really all 'ups and downs' and really does not start to smooth out until about a year or more.
I know personally, been there, done that, and have the T-shirt. Then when I was 3
years sober and clean my AA sponsor strongly suggested that I start Alanon, and it
there that I learned about 'standing back' and 'watching' the ACTIONS of the A.
So, you are now standing back and watching his ACTIONS. Your 16 year old is very
smart, listen to him. By the time he is a year to 18 months clean and sober you will
have some idea if he is truly in recovery or just doing a 'white knuckle' (all his actions
and words are still the same, the only difference is he is not using).
Sounds like you are continuing to work on you and protecting your children also. KEEP
UP THE GOOD WORK!!!!!
Love and hugs,
NO you are not being 'plain stupid'!
Early recovery for anyone and especially the A is really all 'ups and downs' and really does not start to smooth out until about a year or more.
I know personally, been there, done that, and have the T-shirt. Then when I was 3
years sober and clean my AA sponsor strongly suggested that I start Alanon, and it
there that I learned about 'standing back' and 'watching' the ACTIONS of the A.
So, you are now standing back and watching his ACTIONS. Your 16 year old is very
smart, listen to him. By the time he is a year to 18 months clean and sober you will
have some idea if he is truly in recovery or just doing a 'white knuckle' (all his actions
and words are still the same, the only difference is he is not using).
Sounds like you are continuing to work on you and protecting your children also. KEEP
UP THE GOOD WORK!!!!!
Love and hugs,
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Please keep reading and read Cynical One's blog. There is great information there!!
I say this with a loving heart:
Your addict is not unique! It's a bad sign that he thinks he is.
You love cannot save or fix him. If it could, none of us would be here.
We are no match for addiction and you will get very emotionally sick if think you are.
Actions speak louder then his words!!
I say this with a loving heart:
Your addict is not unique! It's a bad sign that he thinks he is.
You love cannot save or fix him. If it could, none of us would be here.
We are no match for addiction and you will get very emotionally sick if think you are.
Actions speak louder then his words!!
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by jewel14 
Work on me... who has time for that (just kidding).. I was seeing a counselor but think it is time to find another one.. FAST! I am running myself into the ground with work and kids and trying to balance it all. No excuse I know... I think it is very helpful to read posts from here and finally open up my ugly story as well...
Also, This is a thread that was justed bumped to the top about codependents. Read it and see if you are. If so, you have to start getting healthy or you will continue to repeat the same mistakes over and over, then watch your children do the same. Codependents can often be as sick as the addict. We have many of the same behaviors: Denial, Lying, No self control, filling a void, manipulative, selfish, etc, etc!
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by jewel14
what is Cynical One's blog is that on this site? I agree he is not unique and that is what scares the hell out of me.
You can do a search for it or click on her name.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 654
You are right to be concerned that he thinks he is unique. If he thinks he is
unique then he won't listen to anyone and his group meetings are pointless
because whatever anyone says he will say "i'm not like that guy".
I would listen to your 16 yr old. He sees the situation clearly and realizes
this man is a threat to you and the family. As stated above in responses,
around a year you will have a better idea of if he is truely in recovery.
Work on you and remember that YOU and YOUR CHILDREN come first.
unique then he won't listen to anyone and his group meetings are pointless
because whatever anyone says he will say "i'm not like that guy".
I would listen to your 16 yr old. He sees the situation clearly and realizes
this man is a threat to you and the family. As stated above in responses,
around a year you will have a better idea of if he is truely in recovery.
Work on you and remember that YOU and YOUR CHILDREN come first.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 72
I agree. I need to make sure he is really clean for a long time before I turn everyone's world upside down.. What if I said sure move back in and this happens a few months from now.. How do I explain that to my kids... Esp. 4yr old cause it is her dad she would not understand
and I am no way close enough to trusting him or feeling ok enough to try again
and I am no way close enough to trusting him or feeling ok enough to try again
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by jewel14
I agree. I need to make sure he is really clean for a long time before I turn everyone's world upside down.. What if I said sure move back in and this happens a few months from now.. How do I explain that to my kids... Esp. 4yr old cause it is her dad she would not understand
and I am no way close enough to trusting him or feeling ok enough to try again
and I am no way close enough to trusting him or feeling ok enough to try again
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 115
Hi Jewel, just to say that Ian hearing all the same kind of stuff from my addict also. He has a heroin addiction but will take anything to get off his head really. I thought for the past year that he was working on his recovery...what I didn't realize was that he is still in active addiction he just had periods of sobriety. These periods got shorter and shorter until now he is pretty much using all the time with the odd day of sobriety here and there. It's gone from bad to worse yet he thinks he is doing well because he's not as bad as he used to be.
He has put me through hell and my teenage son says exactly the same as yours...kids see the wood through the trees better than we can sometimes.
My addict also thinks he is unique, that he can do it Aline without going to meetings. He says AA is a cult and he doesn't get on with his case worker blah blah blah...if you ask me he just wants to have his cake and eat it...me and his habit. He's got no chance! I am embracing my recovery. I am feeling the liberation of letting go and letting God. It's not in my power to get him clean. I see him around looking miserable and lost in his insanity and it is very sad but that's how he is choosing to live. While I am getting stronger with every post on here I read and write and with every meeting I attend and after 4 weeks without him now I am even feeling some true happiness and serenity. I am still thinking about him far too much but am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel and it has nothing to do with his sobriety anymore! I too am starting to worry that even if he does get and stay clean then there's still a long way to go to heal all the mistrust and not worry about relapse. I'm starting to wonder if he will be worth anymore of my time. Just to let you know he's no different and sounds just like my addict.
Stay strong hunny. It can get easier. Big hugs x
He has put me through hell and my teenage son says exactly the same as yours...kids see the wood through the trees better than we can sometimes.
My addict also thinks he is unique, that he can do it Aline without going to meetings. He says AA is a cult and he doesn't get on with his case worker blah blah blah...if you ask me he just wants to have his cake and eat it...me and his habit. He's got no chance! I am embracing my recovery. I am feeling the liberation of letting go and letting God. It's not in my power to get him clean. I see him around looking miserable and lost in his insanity and it is very sad but that's how he is choosing to live. While I am getting stronger with every post on here I read and write and with every meeting I attend and after 4 weeks without him now I am even feeling some true happiness and serenity. I am still thinking about him far too much but am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel and it has nothing to do with his sobriety anymore! I too am starting to worry that even if he does get and stay clean then there's still a long way to go to heal all the mistrust and not worry about relapse. I'm starting to wonder if he will be worth anymore of my time. Just to let you know he's no different and sounds just like my addict.
Stay strong hunny. It can get easier. Big hugs x
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Originally Posted by jewel14
Thanks.. He seems to think he isn't like "everyone" else.. and he only used to fill a void and that it is not a real problem, but he sold everything he had to use... that seems like a HUGE problem to me.. I want him to get better but he makes it seem as if the only way for him to get better is to get his family back and I think it is the other way around.. IF you can get better then there is hope... idk
but he makes it seem as if the only way for him to get better is to get his family back and I think it is the other way around.
He was in the full blown addiction when he had his family nothing changes if nothing changes don't let those manipulative words get you back there.
Your son has good reason for concern from what you said he has witnessed violence? of some type when you say mean IMO, a few times is one too many. Then there is a precious 4 year old little girl who I am sure you don't want to believe this , is "normal" behavior.
I think it is great you found meetings.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
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Violence as in screaming and threatening words, never hands on, throwing a cupcake tin full of cooked cupcakes across the kitchen YUP... but sometimes I feel like words is almost worse. they stink and don't go away...
When we were together he would go MIA about every 6 to 8 months 1 day for about 8 to 10 hours then it would not happen again for another 6 to 8 months. Then he made a lot of $ fast and he started going out.. Left cheated. wanted to come back after a summer of him being completely depressed and going to a rehab/mental health hospital i took him back.. He was on a drug for bi-polar that was not working and thats when the real abuse started.. that is when the overdose occured... that is when I left for good.. and since then the "major" drug use has happened on and off.
It is ugly and when you write it all down you wonder to yourself how could I even want to consider a happy ending together...
When we were together he would go MIA about every 6 to 8 months 1 day for about 8 to 10 hours then it would not happen again for another 6 to 8 months. Then he made a lot of $ fast and he started going out.. Left cheated. wanted to come back after a summer of him being completely depressed and going to a rehab/mental health hospital i took him back.. He was on a drug for bi-polar that was not working and thats when the real abuse started.. that is when the overdose occured... that is when I left for good.. and since then the "major" drug use has happened on and off.
It is ugly and when you write it all down you wonder to yourself how could I even want to consider a happy ending together...
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