Running out of steam
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Scotland
Posts: 72
Running out of steam
Hi There,
I'm new here.
I've been married for a year and a half, and on the last day of our honeymoon my husband had a meltdown (I think it was a panic attack or something similar).
To cut a long story short, a few months after our return from honeymoon, he was diagnosed with social anxiety, general anxiety, depression and then complex ptsd. He took off work sick for 3 months and since going back has been getting on well, even managing to get a small promotion.
However, through this process of treatment for depression/ptsd etcetc his drinking has become exposed as a coping mechanism that he has apparently been using for years.
We've had all sorts of rock bottoms in the past six months or so; vomitting, drunkenness, joints, anger, shame, apologies, promises.
I've tried to support him and encourage him to deal with his addictions, he's been to a handful of AA meetings, told me he wants to kill himself, physically started punching himself and I've had to restrain his own fists. We've brought the problem into the light, and spoken to our close family to receive support. I'm fairly certain his own father is an alcoholic too, but the help they offer seems to be intended to smooth things over, rather than confront the issues. They don't seem to understand the difficulty their son is in, and on friday night just passed, my father in law asked me if it "would be okay to offer him a glass of wine". eh, no?
I've found myself in the trap that seems to be co-dependancy.. checking up on him, looking for bottles (I've found so many ...) pleading, begging, shouting, threatening..
I asked him to leave on saturday night after finding another bottle in his bag (I know, i shouldn't have been looking...). He runs out of money half way through each month and then taps me for it. I've been trying not to give him any, but this time he got it off his mother.
Anyway, I asked him to leave, he begged to be allowed to sleep on the floor. I gave him a blanket and left him to it.
I think I've run out of energy to keep cycling through this.
His parents came to visit on sunday and he spoke to them on his own. After they left, his approach totally changed. He says he is not an alcoholic, that the problem is that I'm too uptight and I *make* him be deceitful and hide bottles etcetc. He has asked that I stop forbidding him to drink, and be open and see how it goes to have some moderate drinking in our home. He says there is no point in going to meetings because they don't help, and he doesn't think they apply to him, since he's not an Alcoholic.
My gut instinct is to run for it. I've tried to explain that my trust and respect erodes away everytime the cycle happens. I fear that my feelings for him are now too damaged to recover, and the idea of a future together seems so different - even if he was to accept the situation and recover, our children would still have an alcholic for a father.
Better to walk away now while I still have a chance of an alternative future?
If so, how do I actually get past the stage of saying I want him to go and him begging me not too? He's suggested some couples counseling which I'm willing to try, but his stance that its unreasonable to ask him to stop drinking is a major block for me in giving it all more time, effort and energy.
Any thoughts would be so gratefully received.
Thanks.
I'm new here.
I've been married for a year and a half, and on the last day of our honeymoon my husband had a meltdown (I think it was a panic attack or something similar).
To cut a long story short, a few months after our return from honeymoon, he was diagnosed with social anxiety, general anxiety, depression and then complex ptsd. He took off work sick for 3 months and since going back has been getting on well, even managing to get a small promotion.
However, through this process of treatment for depression/ptsd etcetc his drinking has become exposed as a coping mechanism that he has apparently been using for years.
We've had all sorts of rock bottoms in the past six months or so; vomitting, drunkenness, joints, anger, shame, apologies, promises.
I've tried to support him and encourage him to deal with his addictions, he's been to a handful of AA meetings, told me he wants to kill himself, physically started punching himself and I've had to restrain his own fists. We've brought the problem into the light, and spoken to our close family to receive support. I'm fairly certain his own father is an alcoholic too, but the help they offer seems to be intended to smooth things over, rather than confront the issues. They don't seem to understand the difficulty their son is in, and on friday night just passed, my father in law asked me if it "would be okay to offer him a glass of wine". eh, no?
I've found myself in the trap that seems to be co-dependancy.. checking up on him, looking for bottles (I've found so many ...) pleading, begging, shouting, threatening..
I asked him to leave on saturday night after finding another bottle in his bag (I know, i shouldn't have been looking...). He runs out of money half way through each month and then taps me for it. I've been trying not to give him any, but this time he got it off his mother.
Anyway, I asked him to leave, he begged to be allowed to sleep on the floor. I gave him a blanket and left him to it.
I think I've run out of energy to keep cycling through this.
His parents came to visit on sunday and he spoke to them on his own. After they left, his approach totally changed. He says he is not an alcoholic, that the problem is that I'm too uptight and I *make* him be deceitful and hide bottles etcetc. He has asked that I stop forbidding him to drink, and be open and see how it goes to have some moderate drinking in our home. He says there is no point in going to meetings because they don't help, and he doesn't think they apply to him, since he's not an Alcoholic.
My gut instinct is to run for it. I've tried to explain that my trust and respect erodes away everytime the cycle happens. I fear that my feelings for him are now too damaged to recover, and the idea of a future together seems so different - even if he was to accept the situation and recover, our children would still have an alcholic for a father.
Better to walk away now while I still have a chance of an alternative future?
If so, how do I actually get past the stage of saying I want him to go and him begging me not too? He's suggested some couples counseling which I'm willing to try, but his stance that its unreasonable to ask him to stop drinking is a major block for me in giving it all more time, effort and energy.
Any thoughts would be so gratefully received.
Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New England
Posts: 350
What a sad situation, Lesigh. I'm sorry for what you are going through, but glad you found SR. You will find a great deal of wisdom and support here. If you haven't already, I suggest reading the 'stickies' at the top of the page.
You are the only one who can say when you've had enough, and you'll be supported here whichever way you go. Is attending Alanon meetings an option for you? A lot of people here talk about going No Contact during a separation or at the end of a relationship as a way to manage the alcoholic's response to this boundary. Someone who has experience with this will come along with some help in that area.
My personal opinion is that you are wise to hesitate about having children with this man.
All the best to you as you navigate in these waters. I'm sorry you are here but you're not alone.
You are the only one who can say when you've had enough, and you'll be supported here whichever way you go. Is attending Alanon meetings an option for you? A lot of people here talk about going No Contact during a separation or at the end of a relationship as a way to manage the alcoholic's response to this boundary. Someone who has experience with this will come along with some help in that area.
My personal opinion is that you are wise to hesitate about having children with this man.
All the best to you as you navigate in these waters. I'm sorry you are here but you're not alone.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
LeSigh-
If I had joined SR when I was with my exhusband this would have been the post I had written.
The only regret I have regarding my relationship is that I did not learn about the disease of alcoholism earlier (I have my own recovery I was working on for food) and I hid behind that.
Al-anon has helped me, reading and learning about about addiction (the library where I live has a great section on it).
For me, even though the drinking did not happen all the time, I walked on eggshells all the time waiting for the straw that broke our relationship, another binge drinking episode.
I am glad you are here, though sorry for what got you here.
If I had joined SR when I was with my exhusband this would have been the post I had written.
The only regret I have regarding my relationship is that I did not learn about the disease of alcoholism earlier (I have my own recovery I was working on for food) and I hid behind that.
Al-anon has helped me, reading and learning about about addiction (the library where I live has a great section on it).
For me, even though the drinking did not happen all the time, I walked on eggshells all the time waiting for the straw that broke our relationship, another binge drinking episode.
I am glad you are here, though sorry for what got you here.
Hi Lesign, welcome.
You situations sounds horrible, it is understandable that you are running out of steam.
Please try to educate yourself on alcoholism, your story is familiar to many of us, your husband is trying to manipulate you into believing that he has control over his drinking, he does not. Sounds like the only enablers he needs are his family, let them deal with him.
As difficult as your situation is now, it will probably only get worse as the disease progresses, doesn't sound like your husband's bottom is close.
We are here to support you in anyway we can, Please keep posting and reading, you sound strong, it will serve you well.
love to you Kate
You situations sounds horrible, it is understandable that you are running out of steam.
Please try to educate yourself on alcoholism, your story is familiar to many of us, your husband is trying to manipulate you into believing that he has control over his drinking, he does not. Sounds like the only enablers he needs are his family, let them deal with him.
As difficult as your situation is now, it will probably only get worse as the disease progresses, doesn't sound like your husband's bottom is close.
We are here to support you in anyway we can, Please keep posting and reading, you sound strong, it will serve you well.
love to you Kate
You are not alone here. We understand your pain and dilemma ... especially when kids are involved.
Hopefully, your couples counselor will have enough alcoholism-addiction knowledge to see through what your AH's "take" will be and to advise you both that couples counseling rarely works if one of the individuals is an active alcoholic-addict. Perhaps, the couples counselor will suggest he be assessed professionally as to alcoholism. That was how my STBXAW was finally convinced to go get detoxed and treated at rehab. Alcoholism-addiction is progressive, it causes denial (you already have experienced his), and it affects-infects the whole family.
Going to Al-Anon and being here on SR has saved my life. Please go to Al-Anon meetings (6 at least and try different groups). There, pick up the book How Al-Anon Works (2008), and read page 16 "Searching for Answers" and Chapter 32. Also grab the free pamphlets "How Can I Help My Children?" and "Alcoholism, the Family Disease" as well as a free Newcomer's packet.
Read the stickies at the top of this forum page, and cynical one's blog. Read this thread too:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Welcome to SR & my best wishes for you and your family!
Hopefully, your couples counselor will have enough alcoholism-addiction knowledge to see through what your AH's "take" will be and to advise you both that couples counseling rarely works if one of the individuals is an active alcoholic-addict. Perhaps, the couples counselor will suggest he be assessed professionally as to alcoholism. That was how my STBXAW was finally convinced to go get detoxed and treated at rehab. Alcoholism-addiction is progressive, it causes denial (you already have experienced his), and it affects-infects the whole family.
Going to Al-Anon and being here on SR has saved my life. Please go to Al-Anon meetings (6 at least and try different groups). There, pick up the book How Al-Anon Works (2008), and read page 16 "Searching for Answers" and Chapter 32. Also grab the free pamphlets "How Can I Help My Children?" and "Alcoholism, the Family Disease" as well as a free Newcomer's packet.
Read the stickies at the top of this forum page, and cynical one's blog. Read this thread too:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Welcome to SR & my best wishes for you and your family!
IMO having children with this man would be a big mistake, for many reasons.
He has a disease that is a progressive one, left untreated, it will get worse.
Read the stickeys at the top of this forum and cynicals one's blogs, lots of helpful information at your fingertips.
I would suggest that you watch his actions, addicts lie, words mean nothing.
Keep posting, we are here for you.
He has a disease that is a progressive one, left untreated, it will get worse.
Read the stickeys at the top of this forum and cynicals one's blogs, lots of helpful information at your fingertips.
I would suggest that you watch his actions, addicts lie, words mean nothing.
Keep posting, we are here for you.
My AH has told me he sneaks because of me and he wouldn't have a problem if he could do it out in the open. So you know what? Mr. AH just came off an 8 day bender. Mr. AH has no off button n can't have just one whether he's hiding, sneaking or out in the open. It's an excuse so he doesn't own up on his accountability and responsibility to be a good person for himself and a husband to me.
Why would I blame myself when I can blame YOU?!!!!
This is not your fault and as long as someone coddles n comforts him, it will continue to be ok to him.
Why would I blame myself when I can blame YOU?!!!!
This is not your fault and as long as someone coddles n comforts him, it will continue to be ok to him.
Dear LeSigh, I have much empathy for you, right now! You must feel like you are dealing with a brick wall.
In my opinion, the best thing you can do, right now, is: 1. Start reading all the "stickies" at the top part of this page. 2. Attend your first al-anon meeting as soon as you can possibly arrange it.
You will find out that you are not alone---many others have walked in your shoes---and you are not powerless.
Hang around and post as often as you want to.
very sincerely, dandylion
In my opinion, the best thing you can do, right now, is: 1. Start reading all the "stickies" at the top part of this page. 2. Attend your first al-anon meeting as soon as you can possibly arrange it.
You will find out that you are not alone---many others have walked in your shoes---and you are not powerless.
Hang around and post as often as you want to.
very sincerely, dandylion
You might want to find the thread on quacking, and you'll find that the defensive position he has, the blaming, the quacking....is something we've all heard. I refused to take the blame for his drinking. He chose to do it, he chose to hide it, he chose to drink to black out which resulted in a DUI, and he chose to continue drinking. I did none of this nor did you do any of it in your marriage.
You've gotten some wonderful advice here and I hope you keep coming back. Check out Al Anon in your city and see if a meeting is right for you. Al Anon has given me the strength to stay in my marriage until I truly feel that I need to walk away, my sponsor and friends are there for a quick phone call on any given day and it makes a world of difference to know that you're not alone.
You've gotten some wonderful advice here and I hope you keep coming back. Check out Al Anon in your city and see if a meeting is right for you. Al Anon has given me the strength to stay in my marriage until I truly feel that I need to walk away, my sponsor and friends are there for a quick phone call on any given day and it makes a world of difference to know that you're not alone.
Welcome to the SR family!
Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as often as needed. We are here to support you.
Other members have already shared wisdom based on their personal experiences. The only thing I might add is my personal experiences with depression, anxiety and alcoholism.
Fact: alcohol is a depressant.
I could not effectively treat my depression or anxiety until I addressed my alcoholism. The alcohol was feeding both issues. Keeping them incubated. Medications were a dangerous combination with continued alcohol consumption. They actually intensified the effects of alcohol.
Stick around, you will find support for yourself here!
Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as often as needed. We are here to support you.
Other members have already shared wisdom based on their personal experiences. The only thing I might add is my personal experiences with depression, anxiety and alcoholism.
Fact: alcohol is a depressant.
I could not effectively treat my depression or anxiety until I addressed my alcoholism. The alcohol was feeding both issues. Keeping them incubated. Medications were a dangerous combination with continued alcohol consumption. They actually intensified the effects of alcohol.
Stick around, you will find support for yourself here!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Scotland
Posts: 72
Thanks for all the helpful words.
I have been reading the stickies and lurking around the forum for the past few months.
There is an al-anon meeting being held near my home tonight that I'm hoping to go to.
I'm intending to ask my husband to leave for a period of time (a week or a month...) so I can re-balance and evaluate where I am and where I want to be. At the moment I'm finding it hard to function - not sleeping, feeling really rundown and nursing a never ending cough/cold. I want to support him, but I can't do that when I'm exhausted by trying to care for him.
I'm so sad that it has come to this but there seems to be no reasoning with him.
I'll post more when I get back from al-anon tonight.
Thanks... <wobbly smile>
I have been reading the stickies and lurking around the forum for the past few months.
There is an al-anon meeting being held near my home tonight that I'm hoping to go to.
I'm intending to ask my husband to leave for a period of time (a week or a month...) so I can re-balance and evaluate where I am and where I want to be. At the moment I'm finding it hard to function - not sleeping, feeling really rundown and nursing a never ending cough/cold. I want to support him, but I can't do that when I'm exhausted by trying to care for him.
I'm so sad that it has come to this but there seems to be no reasoning with him.
I'll post more when I get back from al-anon tonight.
Thanks... <wobbly smile>
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Hi,
Just wanted to say I am sorry for what you are going through. I don't have a whole lot to add aside from the fact that both denial and blame seem to be very common in alcoholics and enablers are VERY annoying -- you're the one who has to deal with him on a daily basis. Axbf had plenty of enabling friends and they thought he was fine but they never had to deal with his mood swings, insults and verbal abuse.
He is who he is, a person with some serious mental health issues who is self medicating. He will not get any better unless he gets some help. I tried begging, pleading and scolding and nothing like that ever worked. There is no reasoning with an addict. If you can't deal with him the way he is, I would urge you to walk away. And yes, having children with him seems like a bad idea t this point.
I hope you can get to an al-anon meeting. If you do, let us know how it goes!
Just wanted to say I am sorry for what you are going through. I don't have a whole lot to add aside from the fact that both denial and blame seem to be very common in alcoholics and enablers are VERY annoying -- you're the one who has to deal with him on a daily basis. Axbf had plenty of enabling friends and they thought he was fine but they never had to deal with his mood swings, insults and verbal abuse.
He is who he is, a person with some serious mental health issues who is self medicating. He will not get any better unless he gets some help. I tried begging, pleading and scolding and nothing like that ever worked. There is no reasoning with an addict. If you can't deal with him the way he is, I would urge you to walk away. And yes, having children with him seems like a bad idea t this point.
I hope you can get to an al-anon meeting. If you do, let us know how it goes!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Scotland
Posts: 72
I made it!
I went to al-anon..
The people there were so kind and open, and patient while I sobbed and sobbed.
My husband is going to stay elsewhere from tomorrow, so I'm hoping that a bit of time will help me get my strength and I can move on from there when I know the right direction..
But it's still so sad to be at this point. I wish it were different. But it's not. What a waste
The people there were so kind and open, and patient while I sobbed and sobbed.
My husband is going to stay elsewhere from tomorrow, so I'm hoping that a bit of time will help me get my strength and I can move on from there when I know the right direction..
But it's still so sad to be at this point. I wish it were different. But it's not. What a waste
Good for you in going to Al-Anon! It is such a relief to be in a room with people who get it/us, and such a relief to let those emotions out somewhere they don't have negative repercussions and are validated.
If you bought a copy of How Al-Anon Works (2008), please read "Searching For Answers" on page 15 (paperback) or 16 (hardback) as well as Chapter 32 titled "Making Major Decisions."
Hope you are able to enjoy this Thanksgiving holiday. Find things to be grateful for, and focus on those. Please keep posting, especially if you are having a difficult moment, questions or finding serenity!
If you bought a copy of How Al-Anon Works (2008), please read "Searching For Answers" on page 15 (paperback) or 16 (hardback) as well as Chapter 32 titled "Making Major Decisions."
Hope you are able to enjoy this Thanksgiving holiday. Find things to be grateful for, and focus on those. Please keep posting, especially if you are having a difficult moment, questions or finding serenity!
Hello and welcome to SR. You are sure being smart about things and are taking such positive steps.
I've gotten myself in the most trouble and heartache when I have ignored my gut feelings. Those feelings are your innerself looking out for you and my biggest regrets in life were a result of ignoring/denying them.
I got through it by putting one foot in front of the other, doing the 'next right thing', and staying true to myself, my values, and my boundaries. Can't go wrong with that. I actually had to do some searching to figure out my values and boundaries becuase I ignored that gut feeling for such a long time that I got very lost in the co-dependency dance.
Keep posting - I've found SR to be such a support!
I've gotten myself in the most trouble and heartache when I have ignored my gut feelings. Those feelings are your innerself looking out for you and my biggest regrets in life were a result of ignoring/denying them.
I got through it by putting one foot in front of the other, doing the 'next right thing', and staying true to myself, my values, and my boundaries. Can't go wrong with that. I actually had to do some searching to figure out my values and boundaries becuase I ignored that gut feeling for such a long time that I got very lost in the co-dependency dance.
Keep posting - I've found SR to be such a support!
If I had a dollar for everytime my ABF called me "uptight" I would be a very wealthy women. That was his way of deflecting his issues back to me. Don't buy it. They will come up with every tactic possible to keep the addiction alive. Stay strong , be brave. Do what you need to do to find peace. I am at the "more will be revealed" stage. ABF in sober house, getting his own place in a month. I know he is going to drink again, I know he feels he can handle it. Maybe he can, maybe he can't. Not my issue. I know my limits now and I have my boundries in place. I feel like the general of my own private army strategizing and plotting my next moves if he reverts back to who he has been for the last two years. I'm out, done deal. One can only take so much. Good luck to you in whatever road you choose and have a safe peaceful happy turkey day.
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