Fed up
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 4
Fed up
Help I am new to this forum and am considering going to my first AL ANON meeting tomorrow. I can't take my partner's drinking anymore, it is like I am in a relationship with two people, the sober guy and the drunk guy.
He says hurtful things when he is drunk and then does not remember, he is unreliable when he is drinking, he has his alcoholic scummy friends over to our home when he is drinking. I am looking for a new place to live but I see that rent is so high I don't know if I can afford it? We have been together for over 11 years and I am fed up. I have not told anybody, this is my dirty little secret, I have no support.
He says hurtful things when he is drunk and then does not remember, he is unreliable when he is drinking, he has his alcoholic scummy friends over to our home when he is drinking. I am looking for a new place to live but I see that rent is so high I don't know if I can afford it? We have been together for over 11 years and I am fed up. I have not told anybody, this is my dirty little secret, I have no support.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Hi Melody,
And welcome!!! I'm glad you're here. This is a good place to figure out how to handle a loved one's drinking. Like you, when I first came here, I hadn't told anybody in real life about my husband's drinking. I was ashamed of it, and also frightened that he would lose his job, etc., if I told anyone.
I really recommend going to Al-Anon. For me, it was scary the first time. I was worried about running into someone I knew, and I was also scared because I felt like if I really did go, I would admit that my husband was an alcoholic, and then I'd have to do something about it.
Al-Anon taught me to slow down and be calmer. That I didn't have to do anything right off the bat. That it's OK to take one day at a time and let the decisions come to you when it's their time. And in the meantime, Al-Anon will give you support and understanding. Nothing you can say there will surprise anyone. And it's OK to cry. Nobody's going to judge you if you do.
And please, stay here, too. There is an amazing collective wisdom here. I hope you will feel at home.
And welcome!!! I'm glad you're here. This is a good place to figure out how to handle a loved one's drinking. Like you, when I first came here, I hadn't told anybody in real life about my husband's drinking. I was ashamed of it, and also frightened that he would lose his job, etc., if I told anyone.
I really recommend going to Al-Anon. For me, it was scary the first time. I was worried about running into someone I knew, and I was also scared because I felt like if I really did go, I would admit that my husband was an alcoholic, and then I'd have to do something about it.
Al-Anon taught me to slow down and be calmer. That I didn't have to do anything right off the bat. That it's OK to take one day at a time and let the decisions come to you when it's their time. And in the meantime, Al-Anon will give you support and understanding. Nothing you can say there will surprise anyone. And it's OK to cry. Nobody's going to judge you if you do.
And please, stay here, too. There is an amazing collective wisdom here. I hope you will feel at home.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Welcome to the Forum, but sorry you have a reason to be here.
You will find much support here. Read the 'Stickies" at the top of the page, they are quite helpful. You are not unique in your situation, though you probably do feel alone.
More people will respond.
Best of Luck,
C-OH Dad
You will find much support here. Read the 'Stickies" at the top of the page, they are quite helpful. You are not unique in your situation, though you probably do feel alone.
More people will respond.
Best of Luck,
C-OH Dad
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
You are doing so good for yourself to go to Al-Anon and come here on SR. You are not alone in feeling that you live with Jekyll & Hyde. Search that and see. Here's a recent one about James and Jimmy: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-new-here.html
Read the book How Al-Anon Works (2008) (especially page 16 "Searching for Answers" and Chapter 32). Read the book Codependent No More. Read the stickies in both this and the F&F of Substance Abuse forum. Read this too: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
All the best in your quest.
Read the book How Al-Anon Works (2008) (especially page 16 "Searching for Answers" and Chapter 32). Read the book Codependent No More. Read the stickies in both this and the F&F of Substance Abuse forum. Read this too: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
All the best in your quest.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 4
Thanks Everyone!
I was reading the Getting Them Sober - Summaries (Vol. 1)
"Chapter 21 – Learn About Blackouts
It’s like being unconscious – while fully awake.
It’s like amnesia afterwards."
I usually am angry or bothered or lose my patience with his drinking and then I get over it when he is sober, like I have a short memory. This has been going on for years, but last month he had people over and was drunk when I got home and he was dancing with some woman I had never met, and I got angry with having to put up with this ****, and having other drunks in my house, so I went to my room.
He came upstairs and I was mad and crying and he said that he could not deal with me anymore that it was over between us, that I have to move out [because I don't like what he does or how he acts when he is drinking, that I am impeding on his fun?]
He sounded so serious and he did not seem super drunk and he continued to sit on the bed beside me and say it was over, that I had to move out, that he wanted to kill me. He would not let me touch him, he was so cold towards me. I said that this was just drunk talk, that he had broken up with me before when he was drunk but did not mean it when he was sober the next day. He said this time it was for sure. And then he went back downstairs to party with his drunk friends. So I spent the next hour thinking that it was over, that I had to find a new place to live, I looked for housing rentals and came to the realization that I can not afford to move, to live on my own. I felt hopeless.
Then I went back downstairs to see what was going on and he was all warm and lovey dovey and did not even remember what he had said. He was in a blackout state I guess. But this really broke me and really damaged our relationship and he does not even know? I cannot get over the cruelness of that night. Do you think that what someone says in that state is how they really feel subconsciously?
I was reading the Getting Them Sober - Summaries (Vol. 1)
"Chapter 21 – Learn About Blackouts
It’s like being unconscious – while fully awake.
It’s like amnesia afterwards."
I usually am angry or bothered or lose my patience with his drinking and then I get over it when he is sober, like I have a short memory. This has been going on for years, but last month he had people over and was drunk when I got home and he was dancing with some woman I had never met, and I got angry with having to put up with this ****, and having other drunks in my house, so I went to my room.
He came upstairs and I was mad and crying and he said that he could not deal with me anymore that it was over between us, that I have to move out [because I don't like what he does or how he acts when he is drinking, that I am impeding on his fun?]
He sounded so serious and he did not seem super drunk and he continued to sit on the bed beside me and say it was over, that I had to move out, that he wanted to kill me. He would not let me touch him, he was so cold towards me. I said that this was just drunk talk, that he had broken up with me before when he was drunk but did not mean it when he was sober the next day. He said this time it was for sure. And then he went back downstairs to party with his drunk friends. So I spent the next hour thinking that it was over, that I had to find a new place to live, I looked for housing rentals and came to the realization that I can not afford to move, to live on my own. I felt hopeless.
Then I went back downstairs to see what was going on and he was all warm and lovey dovey and did not even remember what he had said. He was in a blackout state I guess. But this really broke me and really damaged our relationship and he does not even know? I cannot get over the cruelness of that night. Do you think that what someone says in that state is how they really feel subconsciously?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 14
Hi Melody,
You are not alone. I have found not only incredible support, but also tremendous wisdom, compassion, straight-up truth (much-needed), and understanding from the SR community.
I feel your pain. My XABF, during some moments of clarity, would describe his addiction as his dark passenger and would express the struggle to keep that dark passenger from taking control. Sadly enough, his dark passenger not only came along for a ride in my life as well, but took over. I got to the place you are in now and realized that I could not do this alone.
I went to my first Al-Anon meeting last week and have gone to three since and have also tried the phone meetings when I was feeling particularly distraught. I found it helpful to read the literature as well. It was scary at first; I said nothing during my first meeting and just cried. But I felt safe; it was a release. I knew everyone in the room shared not all, but some of my experiences and I was not alone.
Keep posting here and we support you.
You are not alone. I have found not only incredible support, but also tremendous wisdom, compassion, straight-up truth (much-needed), and understanding from the SR community.
I feel your pain. My XABF, during some moments of clarity, would describe his addiction as his dark passenger and would express the struggle to keep that dark passenger from taking control. Sadly enough, his dark passenger not only came along for a ride in my life as well, but took over. I got to the place you are in now and realized that I could not do this alone.
I went to my first Al-Anon meeting last week and have gone to three since and have also tried the phone meetings when I was feeling particularly distraught. I found it helpful to read the literature as well. It was scary at first; I said nothing during my first meeting and just cried. But I felt safe; it was a release. I knew everyone in the room shared not all, but some of my experiences and I was not alone.
Keep posting here and we support you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Hi Melody....
I was with my partner for 3 years but I also could not handle his drinking. He had lots of friends who would drink and went to bars often and at times he promised to cut down (on drinking and smoking), but always seemed to break those promises. He also was very unreliable when he drank, was constantly late and lying about it all, I would find bottles hidden etc.
I was also accused of cutting down on his fun or his lifestyle, what crap. I am so sorry you have been putting up with this. Being fed up is good, because it means you are realizing how badly he is treating you and how you really want to be happier in your own life. Are you sure you cannot afford to live on your own? What if you got a room somewhere? it wouldn't really need to be much.
P.s. I think when people are intoxicated it can sometimes cause them to say things they don't mean, they get aggressive and violent. Still it hurts you whether or not they remember what went on.
I was with my partner for 3 years but I also could not handle his drinking. He had lots of friends who would drink and went to bars often and at times he promised to cut down (on drinking and smoking), but always seemed to break those promises. He also was very unreliable when he drank, was constantly late and lying about it all, I would find bottles hidden etc.
I was also accused of cutting down on his fun or his lifestyle, what crap. I am so sorry you have been putting up with this. Being fed up is good, because it means you are realizing how badly he is treating you and how you really want to be happier in your own life. Are you sure you cannot afford to live on your own? What if you got a room somewhere? it wouldn't really need to be much.
P.s. I think when people are intoxicated it can sometimes cause them to say things they don't mean, they get aggressive and violent. Still it hurts you whether or not they remember what went on.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
Originally Posted by Titanic 
You are doing so good for yourself to go to Al-Anon and come here on SR. You are not alone in feeling that you live with Jekyll & Hyde. Search that and see. Here's a recent one about James and Jimmy: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-new-here.html
I know what you are dealing with. I am going to my first AlAnon meeting tomorrow and you should too. I saw a commercial on tv that gave a number. It's 1-888-4ALANON. They will ask you for your city and state and let you know where the closest meet is. Call them.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 4
As I have my own at home business, I would need a house to rent, I hate living with roommates, and I like my privacy.
I have decided to go to debt counseling as well, I have lots of credit card and student loan debt, if I did not have these payments then I could definitely afford rent, or maybe buying would be even cheaper on a monthly basis. If I paid off my debt load of $50,000 I could qualify for a mortgage.
Today I am going to my first meeting at Noon, I will let you know how it goes!!!!
I have decided to go to debt counseling as well, I have lots of credit card and student loan debt, if I did not have these payments then I could definitely afford rent, or maybe buying would be even cheaper on a monthly basis. If I paid off my debt load of $50,000 I could qualify for a mortgage.
Today I am going to my first meeting at Noon, I will let you know how it goes!!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 4
I went to my first meeting today, I felt emotionally exhausted afterwards. I felt vulnerable and was crying while I was talking about my situation, I mentioned that I was looking for a sponsor to help me through the crisis moments. No one offered to give me their number. It was good to hear about the others experiences. The information is going to be very helpful. I knew it was the 12 step program, but I did not expect to have the Lord's Prayer said at the end, I am not a christian and maybe atheist, so was bothered by this. Is there AL ANON that is non religious or other types of support groups for people living with alcoholics that don't talk about God?
How was your first meeting BoxinRotz?
How was your first meeting BoxinRotz?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: ohio
Posts: 29
if i may say i am proud of anyone going to their first al-non meeting!!!!! as for the lord's prayer you do not have to say the prayer or even knowledge it. but the tools and the use of a higher being( meaning of higher power of your choice) are important for a good healthly start to your recovery. please go to several meeting before you make any choices of judgement because i was just like you.
i now go to several different meeting during the week and weekend due to my work schedule. different al-non groups have many people with varying opionions and stlyes. go tell you find on that fits you.
i now go to several different meeting during the week and weekend due to my work schedule. different al-non groups have many people with varying opionions and stlyes. go tell you find on that fits you.
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
welcone to sr. we know exactly how you feel and are going through.
we have all been there or continue to be in the same situation.
first of all as you will come to realize secrets dont stay secrets and the harder you try to hide it
the worst it will make you feel.
i fought significantly to keep my friends family and so forth in the dark about my ahs drinking and what i learned was when i stopped protecting him even if itvwas to protect my sanity/myself i put down the barriers to getting myself help and to not enable him by acting like there wasnt a problem to the rest of the world.
the second thing i learned were boundaries. i simply set boundaries and if he did not follow them there were consequences. example not seeking recovery for himself meant i would leave
but as you stated you are done with it in general and as everyone is different some do not have the option of just getting up and going. perhapse now is the time to seek a roomate whom will split the bill on an apartment? or perhapse looking for rental rooms?.
these are just suggestions. anyhow glad you are going to al anon and lookimg for recovery for yourself. you can live the life you want to live! big hugs and wishing the best on your journey
we have all been there or continue to be in the same situation.
first of all as you will come to realize secrets dont stay secrets and the harder you try to hide it
the worst it will make you feel.
i fought significantly to keep my friends family and so forth in the dark about my ahs drinking and what i learned was when i stopped protecting him even if itvwas to protect my sanity/myself i put down the barriers to getting myself help and to not enable him by acting like there wasnt a problem to the rest of the world.
the second thing i learned were boundaries. i simply set boundaries and if he did not follow them there were consequences. example not seeking recovery for himself meant i would leave
but as you stated you are done with it in general and as everyone is different some do not have the option of just getting up and going. perhapse now is the time to seek a roomate whom will split the bill on an apartment? or perhapse looking for rental rooms?.
these are just suggestions. anyhow glad you are going to al anon and lookimg for recovery for yourself. you can live the life you want to live! big hugs and wishing the best on your journey
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I don't know all the faiths of the people at my al-anon meeting but I do know there is someone in there buddhist we have chatted quite a bit. Living in a big city I would imagine there are some atheist and agnostic as well.
Someone else would have to advise another type meeting that was not "religious" - I encourage you not to stop. Your HP is whatever it is to you - in an open forum you are always going to find people that bring their faith into it - doesn't mean they are encouraging you to find God so to speak - rather your HP.
Congrats on taking this step!
Someone else would have to advise another type meeting that was not "religious" - I encourage you not to stop. Your HP is whatever it is to you - in an open forum you are always going to find people that bring their faith into it - doesn't mean they are encouraging you to find God so to speak - rather your HP.
Congrats on taking this step!
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