My RAGF and My Struggle -- Happy Ending?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1
My RAGF and My Struggle -- Happy Ending?
I would like to first start out by saying I have been reading this forum for over a year now but have never posted until now, and everything I have read on here has given me both a great deal of insight as well as a great source of comfort. Sorry this is a novel, but I just wanted to get my whole story off my chest... My girlfriend is now in recovery and seems to be doing considerably better, though it's going to be a lifelong battle, and there are still bumps here and there. Before anyone chastises me asking me why the heck I stayed... yes I will admit I have some Codie issue's.. I've known this long before I met her and have been working on them... but also despite this story sounding horrible, it was 70% of the time great, and I really just look deep down inside her and saw her screaming for help and knew she could eventually pull herself out of this. So I took the gamble.
I am 29 and my girlfriend is a few months shy of 26. Thankfully she is in rehab right now, and wants to continue with outpatient and AA when she gets released in 6 weeks, but I'll get to that later... it was a struggle getting her in, and I made some tough decisions to make sure it happened.
I met her about 1 1/2 years ago when a close friend told me about her parents dryer being broken and asked if I could fix it because I am handy like that, he told me "they have a cute daughter, you should meet her". Never did I thought that the decision to come over and fix a dryer would change my life forever.
I have always been around alcoholics, most of my friends have been alcoholics, I for some reason am an alcoholic magnet even though I rarely drink. But I would classify all of my friends as being highly functional alcoholics. My girlfriend.... is a low functional alcoholic.
Well I came over to the house to fix the dryer and she came up to me smiling and fliritng, and next thing you know it I'm taking her our on dates and things were great. I had a red flag a week into dating when she was raging drunk and passed out in my bed and woke up screaming her brothers name and how she wants to kill him, and I tried to calm her down and she bit me... she was blacked out and I just blew it off.
Her whole family is alcoholics, and have been for years, they are so dysfunctional it's not even funny. Everynight is rinse and repeat, drinking a 40 first thing in the morning, and progressivly more throughout the day and yell and scream at each other. Her mom would call everyone, her included the worst things and it's damaged her emotionally. She has been drinking for 9 years, and I found out halfway into our relationship she was using crystal for almost 4 years.
Things were okay in the beggining for hte most part until month 2 of her moving in when her alcoholism became very transparent. At one point we had a terrible night, and the next morning, I told her point blank you need to go to rehab or get out of here, I am tired of the neighbors calling the cops on you. She flew off the handle, and destroyed a lot of stuff in my apartment and left screaming how she doesn't have a problem.
2 weeks later we were back together, she cut down on her drinking considerably and things were fine for a while, but about once a month her drinking would become so bad where the destruction got worse. She physically assaulted me about the 3 month mark when drunk once, I was planning on ended it but she vowed it would never happen again (boy was I wrong). I didn't get hit for about 6 more months but the regular raging occurred and then I learned about her crystal use when she started making a scene to leave and disappear with "a friend" and not come back for several days. When I confronted her, she of course blamed everything on me. I wised up quickly to the whole blame game it wasnt working for me.
We had one week straight of her getting drunk and assaulting me daily, then when the cops would come they threatened to take use BOTH into jail, even though I never laid a finger on her and I had bruises and cuts from her... but she has bruises too from falling over drunk all the time, so I was honestly scared to call the police because I've never done anything wrong, never been arrested, or gone to jail. One day I just made the decision when she disappeared again to go tweak and get drunk to lock her out. She yelled and screamed at 3 in the morning to let her in, she finally slept in the carport outside of the apartment. And the cops came...and rather than arresting her for drunk in public and disturbing the peace they dropped her off at her dealers house... how convienent for her...
I sent her a huge letter point blanking her on all her issue's and how her life is spinning out of control because of her alcohol and drug addictions and I don't choose to live my life that way and I won't be a part of her life unless she gets clean, gets a job, and works on herself. We didn't speak for a month, she tried calling she started off blaming me, calling me an alcoholic (I rarely drink, this is laughable) and I am the one with the problem. Then the voicemails started getting frantic "I cant do this without you, please just call me back" I ignored. Well, after a month she got a job (and said she was working on sobriety) so I opened back up dialog with her. She came back (I still had all her clothes and everything, I left her with nothing... maybe it was selfish keeping them from her on my part but I wanted her to truly feel like she had nothing in some sort of attempt to hope she would bottom) Eventually she moved back in and things were fine for a while then it went to crap, she got sprung and drunk and decided she just didnt want to go to work anymore because "I dont like the people there" She began physically assaulting me again. I again kept pressing the rehab issue, and offered to pay for it with no luck, although she started to open up to the idea of AA.
We were set to go to hawaii, and the day before she met a tweeker and disappeared for 2 days, I still went to hawaii for 2 days but she didn't because she never came home and I didn't know where she was. When I got back she said she found the love of her life and it was this new guy she just met 3 days earlier... I coaxed her into leaving that minute on vacation to Southern California... she was drunk as hell. On the drive down there she would vascilate from I love you so much and be happy, to how she is in love with this new guy and he cares about her in ways I never can... (yea he has a grip of dope and I dont) Well I stopped for gas about 3 hours into the drive and she was walking around drunk bothering people, and I went inside to use the bathroom, and when I came out she was getting into a confrontation with a woman pumping her gas challenging her to fight. I quickly grabbed her and got her in the car... As soon as I get on the freeway she says "I want a beer" and I said no I am not buying you a beer (oddly enough those words 90% of the time made her start physically assaulting me) she began punching me in the head while driving 70 down the I-5. I kept pushing her away from me as she was trying to grab my wheel, she got a hold of it and ran us off the road. Thank god no one was hurt! She told me she doesn't want to be with me, she is in love with this new guy she met 3 days earlier and she ran across the freeway to the other side running screaming how she is going to hitch a ride home.
I turned the car around seriously worried about her safety. An off duty EMT pulled over and was trying to calm her down, I approached and told her, look you are drunk you're not in your right mind I'll take you home, I wont let you hitch with a random stranger. She ran up to me and punched me in the face 2 times in front of the EMT... He called the cops, she went to the car grabbed my laptop and threw it on the ground and stomped on it laughing, then assaulted me 2 more times in front of the guy... This man was truly a blessing, and surprised he had the guts to let her in his car. He told me to meet him at the next exit and CHP would be there waiting.
That is when I made the hardest decision... You see I want her to get help, I saw her life spiraling out of control, and to be honest, I truly beleive she would have been dead within a couple years with just how high risk she is. I had lumps on the back of my head, but nothing substantial, I still had healing scabs (which are now scars) from earlier.. but nothing that said to me she might get arrested... since everyother time she got away with beating me. So I decided I wanted to press charges and see if I can get her help. I beat my face in... She told the cops I was drinking, and I was not, I blew a .00, she blew a .34, she was taken to jail (but not until after she was done assaulting the cops, and screaming to them how I was planning on murdering her so I could be with her brother because I love butthole, and how she just wants to go home and be with the new man she met 3 days ago.
I refused to bail her out, in fact the first thing I did was talk with the DA and filed several papers documenting her abuse, and all the complaints from the apartment complex, and a personal statement from myself. The DA wanted to give her a year in jail, and didn't want to backdown on the public defenders deal because her wrap sheet is so big. (lots and lots of alcohol charges and resisting arrest and FTA's all because of alochol). But I bottom lined him, and said jail wont do her good she needs recovery. He asked me what I think should happen. I said she needs 90 days inpatient rehab at a womans only facility and I will pay for it, and she needs a year of outpatient and AA, plus she needs the Domestic Violence classes and formal supervised probation... I got everything I asked for and she took the plea. I also had the restraining order modified to allow for peaceful contact.
She spent a month in jail, and her mind slowly started clearing, I sent her a couple impact letters, and I got several nice very long letters back. Super appologetic realizing now that she was 100% to blame for everything,and she realised now just how bad of an addict she is. She thanked me putting her in jail and getting her into rehab. She is now 3 months clean and will be 4 1/2 months clean and sober when she gets out. It's been difficult for her at first adjusting to it but she is really trying to make a change, and I do see her thought patterns slowly changing, but there is still soo much baggage from her past she needs to resolve. She says she looks forward to going to AA when she gets out and wants to go indefinitely, she doesn't want to drink anymore, she doesn't want to use anymore, and is cutting her family and all her past ties out of her life for good. She wants to be happy and make friends with non users and have a normal relationship with me.
I have been able to to visit her on saturdays, and the past 2 saturdays I got to take her out for 4 hours on normal dates. She told me several girls got busted for drinking and doing crystal in the rehab but she had enough strength to say no, and did come out clean on her tests, so I am proud of that... I did have one negative thing this past Saturday, and it did bring up the trust issue again... but maybe I am overreacting. Needless to say it bothered me to the point of sending her a letter expressing my concern. She called me the day before saying she wanted to see me, loves me so much, yadda yadda. Well they had a social earlier that day where they let the men and women (separate facilities) intermingle for a couple hours. She then apparently was able to leave with a female buddy to accompany her to the hospital that night, and she never returned. I was told this when I came to pick her up... I FREAKED OUT... went to the hospital to look for her. She wasn't there, I went back to the rehab to talk to the supervisor, and guess what she just showed up right before I got back. (Convieneint timing) When I picked her up she started talking about how she slept at the hospital all night in the waiting room.. and some guy was talking to her all night and took her to the 7th floor to show her the sights "even though I didn't want to". She was in a bad mood for the first hour and even started talking about not being together anymore, and doesn't know if she loves me, and how she wants to introduce me to this single girl in the rehab... She only ever talks like that when some other man gives her attention... So the fact she was out all night, told me she met a guy (even though she says nothing happened) and then talking about maybe breaking up and not loving me anymore when the past 2 months she was professing her undying love for me while sober... just doesn't add up.
The last 3 hours of the date were fine though, she got out of that mood she was in, she apologized to me for being "bitchy" and she is working on it, she gets anxiety and depression and goes off into these moods, and loves me so much and looks forward to a clean sober life, etc she just gets confused a lot. So I am a little confused about what happened the night before... but at least she was still clean on her drug / alcohol test that day. And that is where we are today. . . I am praying for her and hope the best, I know it's a challenge, and as sad as it is to say, I do expect a relapse, but at least for the first time she is on the road to recovery and taking it seriously... this whole experience has opened her eyes. I don't know what the future holds but I hope it keeps getting better.
Oh I thought I would add, in addition to going to all the AA meetings, she is also now going to church services regularly in there to improve her spirituality... These two things are optional in the rehab she is at... and she is choosing to do these things... so that in itself is a positive sign to me.
I am 29 and my girlfriend is a few months shy of 26. Thankfully she is in rehab right now, and wants to continue with outpatient and AA when she gets released in 6 weeks, but I'll get to that later... it was a struggle getting her in, and I made some tough decisions to make sure it happened.
I met her about 1 1/2 years ago when a close friend told me about her parents dryer being broken and asked if I could fix it because I am handy like that, he told me "they have a cute daughter, you should meet her". Never did I thought that the decision to come over and fix a dryer would change my life forever.
I have always been around alcoholics, most of my friends have been alcoholics, I for some reason am an alcoholic magnet even though I rarely drink. But I would classify all of my friends as being highly functional alcoholics. My girlfriend.... is a low functional alcoholic.
Well I came over to the house to fix the dryer and she came up to me smiling and fliritng, and next thing you know it I'm taking her our on dates and things were great. I had a red flag a week into dating when she was raging drunk and passed out in my bed and woke up screaming her brothers name and how she wants to kill him, and I tried to calm her down and she bit me... she was blacked out and I just blew it off. Her whole family is alcoholics, and have been for years, they are so dysfunctional it's not even funny. Everynight is rinse and repeat, drinking a 40 first thing in the morning, and progressivly more throughout the day and yell and scream at each other. Her mom would call everyone, her included the worst things and it's damaged her emotionally. She has been drinking for 9 years, and I found out halfway into our relationship she was using crystal for almost 4 years.
Things were okay in the beggining for hte most part until month 2 of her moving in when her alcoholism became very transparent. At one point we had a terrible night, and the next morning, I told her point blank you need to go to rehab or get out of here, I am tired of the neighbors calling the cops on you. She flew off the handle, and destroyed a lot of stuff in my apartment and left screaming how she doesn't have a problem.
2 weeks later we were back together, she cut down on her drinking considerably and things were fine for a while, but about once a month her drinking would become so bad where the destruction got worse. She physically assaulted me about the 3 month mark when drunk once, I was planning on ended it but she vowed it would never happen again (boy was I wrong). I didn't get hit for about 6 more months but the regular raging occurred and then I learned about her crystal use when she started making a scene to leave and disappear with "a friend" and not come back for several days. When I confronted her, she of course blamed everything on me. I wised up quickly to the whole blame game it wasnt working for me.
We had one week straight of her getting drunk and assaulting me daily, then when the cops would come they threatened to take use BOTH into jail, even though I never laid a finger on her and I had bruises and cuts from her... but she has bruises too from falling over drunk all the time, so I was honestly scared to call the police because I've never done anything wrong, never been arrested, or gone to jail. One day I just made the decision when she disappeared again to go tweak and get drunk to lock her out. She yelled and screamed at 3 in the morning to let her in, she finally slept in the carport outside of the apartment. And the cops came...and rather than arresting her for drunk in public and disturbing the peace they dropped her off at her dealers house... how convienent for her...
I sent her a huge letter point blanking her on all her issue's and how her life is spinning out of control because of her alcohol and drug addictions and I don't choose to live my life that way and I won't be a part of her life unless she gets clean, gets a job, and works on herself. We didn't speak for a month, she tried calling she started off blaming me, calling me an alcoholic (I rarely drink, this is laughable) and I am the one with the problem. Then the voicemails started getting frantic "I cant do this without you, please just call me back" I ignored. Well, after a month she got a job (and said she was working on sobriety) so I opened back up dialog with her. She came back (I still had all her clothes and everything, I left her with nothing... maybe it was selfish keeping them from her on my part but I wanted her to truly feel like she had nothing in some sort of attempt to hope she would bottom) Eventually she moved back in and things were fine for a while then it went to crap, she got sprung and drunk and decided she just didnt want to go to work anymore because "I dont like the people there" She began physically assaulting me again. I again kept pressing the rehab issue, and offered to pay for it with no luck, although she started to open up to the idea of AA.
We were set to go to hawaii, and the day before she met a tweeker and disappeared for 2 days, I still went to hawaii for 2 days but she didn't because she never came home and I didn't know where she was. When I got back she said she found the love of her life and it was this new guy she just met 3 days earlier... I coaxed her into leaving that minute on vacation to Southern California... she was drunk as hell. On the drive down there she would vascilate from I love you so much and be happy, to how she is in love with this new guy and he cares about her in ways I never can... (yea he has a grip of dope and I dont) Well I stopped for gas about 3 hours into the drive and she was walking around drunk bothering people, and I went inside to use the bathroom, and when I came out she was getting into a confrontation with a woman pumping her gas challenging her to fight. I quickly grabbed her and got her in the car... As soon as I get on the freeway she says "I want a beer" and I said no I am not buying you a beer (oddly enough those words 90% of the time made her start physically assaulting me) she began punching me in the head while driving 70 down the I-5. I kept pushing her away from me as she was trying to grab my wheel, she got a hold of it and ran us off the road. Thank god no one was hurt! She told me she doesn't want to be with me, she is in love with this new guy she met 3 days earlier and she ran across the freeway to the other side running screaming how she is going to hitch a ride home.
I turned the car around seriously worried about her safety. An off duty EMT pulled over and was trying to calm her down, I approached and told her, look you are drunk you're not in your right mind I'll take you home, I wont let you hitch with a random stranger. She ran up to me and punched me in the face 2 times in front of the EMT... He called the cops, she went to the car grabbed my laptop and threw it on the ground and stomped on it laughing, then assaulted me 2 more times in front of the guy... This man was truly a blessing, and surprised he had the guts to let her in his car. He told me to meet him at the next exit and CHP would be there waiting.
That is when I made the hardest decision... You see I want her to get help, I saw her life spiraling out of control, and to be honest, I truly beleive she would have been dead within a couple years with just how high risk she is. I had lumps on the back of my head, but nothing substantial, I still had healing scabs (which are now scars) from earlier.. but nothing that said to me she might get arrested... since everyother time she got away with beating me. So I decided I wanted to press charges and see if I can get her help. I beat my face in... She told the cops I was drinking, and I was not, I blew a .00, she blew a .34, she was taken to jail (but not until after she was done assaulting the cops, and screaming to them how I was planning on murdering her so I could be with her brother because I love butthole, and how she just wants to go home and be with the new man she met 3 days ago.
I refused to bail her out, in fact the first thing I did was talk with the DA and filed several papers documenting her abuse, and all the complaints from the apartment complex, and a personal statement from myself. The DA wanted to give her a year in jail, and didn't want to backdown on the public defenders deal because her wrap sheet is so big. (lots and lots of alcohol charges and resisting arrest and FTA's all because of alochol). But I bottom lined him, and said jail wont do her good she needs recovery. He asked me what I think should happen. I said she needs 90 days inpatient rehab at a womans only facility and I will pay for it, and she needs a year of outpatient and AA, plus she needs the Domestic Violence classes and formal supervised probation... I got everything I asked for and she took the plea. I also had the restraining order modified to allow for peaceful contact.
She spent a month in jail, and her mind slowly started clearing, I sent her a couple impact letters, and I got several nice very long letters back. Super appologetic realizing now that she was 100% to blame for everything,and she realised now just how bad of an addict she is. She thanked me putting her in jail and getting her into rehab. She is now 3 months clean and will be 4 1/2 months clean and sober when she gets out. It's been difficult for her at first adjusting to it but she is really trying to make a change, and I do see her thought patterns slowly changing, but there is still soo much baggage from her past she needs to resolve. She says she looks forward to going to AA when she gets out and wants to go indefinitely, she doesn't want to drink anymore, she doesn't want to use anymore, and is cutting her family and all her past ties out of her life for good. She wants to be happy and make friends with non users and have a normal relationship with me.
I have been able to to visit her on saturdays, and the past 2 saturdays I got to take her out for 4 hours on normal dates. She told me several girls got busted for drinking and doing crystal in the rehab but she had enough strength to say no, and did come out clean on her tests, so I am proud of that... I did have one negative thing this past Saturday, and it did bring up the trust issue again... but maybe I am overreacting. Needless to say it bothered me to the point of sending her a letter expressing my concern. She called me the day before saying she wanted to see me, loves me so much, yadda yadda. Well they had a social earlier that day where they let the men and women (separate facilities) intermingle for a couple hours. She then apparently was able to leave with a female buddy to accompany her to the hospital that night, and she never returned. I was told this when I came to pick her up... I FREAKED OUT... went to the hospital to look for her. She wasn't there, I went back to the rehab to talk to the supervisor, and guess what she just showed up right before I got back. (Convieneint timing) When I picked her up she started talking about how she slept at the hospital all night in the waiting room.. and some guy was talking to her all night and took her to the 7th floor to show her the sights "even though I didn't want to". She was in a bad mood for the first hour and even started talking about not being together anymore, and doesn't know if she loves me, and how she wants to introduce me to this single girl in the rehab... She only ever talks like that when some other man gives her attention... So the fact she was out all night, told me she met a guy (even though she says nothing happened) and then talking about maybe breaking up and not loving me anymore when the past 2 months she was professing her undying love for me while sober... just doesn't add up.
The last 3 hours of the date were fine though, she got out of that mood she was in, she apologized to me for being "bitchy" and she is working on it, she gets anxiety and depression and goes off into these moods, and loves me so much and looks forward to a clean sober life, etc she just gets confused a lot. So I am a little confused about what happened the night before... but at least she was still clean on her drug / alcohol test that day. And that is where we are today. . . I am praying for her and hope the best, I know it's a challenge, and as sad as it is to say, I do expect a relapse, but at least for the first time she is on the road to recovery and taking it seriously... this whole experience has opened her eyes. I don't know what the future holds but I hope it keeps getting better.
Oh I thought I would add, in addition to going to all the AA meetings, she is also now going to church services regularly in there to improve her spirituality... These two things are optional in the rehab she is at... and she is choosing to do these things... so that in itself is a positive sign to me.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 324
You seem to have a high tolerance for abuse. Why would you allow all of this?
Addictions and mommy/daddy baggage are no excuse for her horrid behavior.
Since she was an alcoholic methie when you met her, you don't really even know who she is or how much baggage truly lies behind all the substance issues.
I wish you luck on your journey.
Addictions and mommy/daddy baggage are no excuse for her horrid behavior.
Since she was an alcoholic methie when you met her, you don't really even know who she is or how much baggage truly lies behind all the substance issues.
I wish you luck on your journey.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
Seems to me you have a need to "save" her sorry but it doesn't work that way you can't only she can.
Take the addiction out of the picture for a minute:
Do you find it acceptable behavior for someone to beat on you?
Do you find it acceptable behavior to be lied too ?
Do you find it acceptable behavior for your gf to be going and "meeting" other guys?
Just some things to think about.
YOU didn't cause it
You can't control it
YOU can't cure it.
The fact that her family drinks etc... is NO excuse my family drinks and/or does drugs almost everyone in it so does that mean I should be looked at differently i fI decide to join them?
So you have told us what your doing and have done to help HER what are you doing or gonna do to help YOU ?
Welcome to SR sorry for why your here.
Take the addiction out of the picture for a minute:
Do you find it acceptable behavior for someone to beat on you?
Do you find it acceptable behavior to be lied too ?
Do you find it acceptable behavior for your gf to be going and "meeting" other guys?
Just some things to think about.
YOU didn't cause it
You can't control it
YOU can't cure it.
The fact that her family drinks etc... is NO excuse my family drinks and/or does drugs almost everyone in it so does that mean I should be looked at differently i fI decide to join them?
So you have told us what your doing and have done to help HER what are you doing or gonna do to help YOU ?
Welcome to SR sorry for why your here.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Buenos Aires, Argentina
Posts: 124
I agree with BeavsDad – you have a high tolerance for abuse, which is a non-confrontational way of saying that you have a serious problem.
Sorry for being so blunt, and I'm not a medical professional so what I say is just my opinion, but your story is so very similar to mine: it's taken me the past two years of going to NarAnon and the past 5 months of personal work with a therapist to understand and admit that I have repeatedly, throughout my life, put myself into situations where I allowed others to abuse me, and that my turbulent relationship with my companion (who is a substance addict) was only the most recent manifestation of this.
I could tell you just as many stories of abuse and violence as you did in your post, but I'd rather just tell you straightaway that you need to be working on yourself right now. Your girlfriend doesn't matter, your relationship with her doesn't matter right now –*you need to work hard on yourself. Right now. Not when she's "better," not when your head is more clear (because it won't get more clear until you starting working). Right now.
Again, what I'm saying is only my opinion. And by no means am I talking down to you or trying to bring you down. If you were here in the same room as me I would rush over and hug you so tight because there's absolutely no way you could be allowing such abuse against yourself without there being a great deal of pain inside of you.
You need help; please seek it. Don't try to use the pain of your girlfriend's abused and abusive life to replace your own. That won't make your pain go away, and it only doubles your suffering. I don't doubt that you love her, as I love my companion, but she has a LONG road to recovery... please make the brave and bold decision to put yourself first.
Find a professional, talk about your past, talk about the present, examine yourself rigorously and honestly. Avoid blaming anyone, but allow yourself to really feel... you have a long road, yourself, but it can lead to a life filled with hope, self-respect, and joy.
Sorry for being so blunt, and I'm not a medical professional so what I say is just my opinion, but your story is so very similar to mine: it's taken me the past two years of going to NarAnon and the past 5 months of personal work with a therapist to understand and admit that I have repeatedly, throughout my life, put myself into situations where I allowed others to abuse me, and that my turbulent relationship with my companion (who is a substance addict) was only the most recent manifestation of this.
I could tell you just as many stories of abuse and violence as you did in your post, but I'd rather just tell you straightaway that you need to be working on yourself right now. Your girlfriend doesn't matter, your relationship with her doesn't matter right now –*you need to work hard on yourself. Right now. Not when she's "better," not when your head is more clear (because it won't get more clear until you starting working). Right now.
Again, what I'm saying is only my opinion. And by no means am I talking down to you or trying to bring you down. If you were here in the same room as me I would rush over and hug you so tight because there's absolutely no way you could be allowing such abuse against yourself without there being a great deal of pain inside of you.
You need help; please seek it. Don't try to use the pain of your girlfriend's abused and abusive life to replace your own. That won't make your pain go away, and it only doubles your suffering. I don't doubt that you love her, as I love my companion, but she has a LONG road to recovery... please make the brave and bold decision to put yourself first.
Find a professional, talk about your past, talk about the present, examine yourself rigorously and honestly. Avoid blaming anyone, but allow yourself to really feel... you have a long road, yourself, but it can lead to a life filled with hope, self-respect, and joy.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Good grief, I can't imagine allowing anyone to treat me like she treats you. Have you considered therapy? She is using and abusing you, IMO you are as unhealthy as she is.
Please do what you need to do to get yourself on the right track.
Please do what you need to do to get yourself on the right track.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
WELCOME to Sober Recovery. You have found a great place, with lots of folks who have been where you are, or are where you are, and are willing to share their Experience, Strength and Hope (ES&H). Welcome aboard!
The above posters are all correct and I agree with them.
You have no clue who this woman is, you met her when she was already in the throes of her addictions. If and that is a big IF she does find recovery and works a program of recovery for the rest of her life, you will have no clue who she is.
YOU are ADDICTED TO HER.
The only thing you can do is WORK on your OWN ADDICTION. Getting into one on one therapy would be a BIG help to you and would help you WORK THE 12 STEPS in your life.
You CANNOT help her. As a matter of fact you are a detriment to her, because she knows how to manipulate you to 'help' her one more time.
Unfortunately or fortunately actually the best thing you could for for you right now is to go NO CONTACT. Then revisit in a year, the whole year, of course, you spend on working on YOU, and WATCH her ACTIONS, do not listen to her words.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
The above posters are all correct and I agree with them.
You have no clue who this woman is, you met her when she was already in the throes of her addictions. If and that is a big IF she does find recovery and works a program of recovery for the rest of her life, you will have no clue who she is.
YOU are ADDICTED TO HER.
The only thing you can do is WORK on your OWN ADDICTION. Getting into one on one therapy would be a BIG help to you and would help you WORK THE 12 STEPS in your life.
You CANNOT help her. As a matter of fact you are a detriment to her, because she knows how to manipulate you to 'help' her one more time.
Unfortunately or fortunately actually the best thing you could for for you right now is to go NO CONTACT. Then revisit in a year, the whole year, of course, you spend on working on YOU, and WATCH her ACTIONS, do not listen to her words.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Uk
Posts: 764
Please be VERY CAREFUL with an alcoholic n run if you can. No offense but these ppl can become very violent. They go on n on n on n on. They can stop drinking for MONTHS n then can start again n believe me its NEVER ONE DRINK - it's just lije before. They will drink, drink, drunk. Hide their alcohol, change their personalities, get defensive - turn things arounds to put the blame on you.
If you get SERIOUS HELP fair enough but unless they do DO NOT assume because they are no longer drinking that's it all over n they'll never drink again.
One comment n they are back at it worst than before!!!!!
You said she bit you well that's the start. Run fast!!!! The violence WILL happen again, alcoholics are very manipulative ppl.
Please consider al anom n take care of yourself I'm really worried about you.
Evey xxx
If you get SERIOUS HELP fair enough but unless they do DO NOT assume because they are no longer drinking that's it all over n they'll never drink again.
One comment n they are back at it worst than before!!!!!
You said she bit you well that's the start. Run fast!!!! The violence WILL happen again, alcoholics are very manipulative ppl.
Please consider al anom n take care of yourself I'm really worried about you.
Evey xxx
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Greenville pa
Posts: 27
You'll and up enabling her by giving her a place to live ect. I would run. Maybe your addicted to chaos. I know I am I married the same woman 2 times and its still the same crazy stuff. She's untreated bi polar. Thank god you don't have kids with this woman. Maybe you want to be the hero? It doesn't work that way with us alkys. We use people.. It won't work run don't walk! That's my advice
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 326
Originally Posted by millworx 
Before anyone chastises me asking me why the heck I stayed... yes I will admit I have some Codie issue's..
"Some" codie issues? Some? You are as out of control codie as she is out of control substance abuser.
I've known this long before I met her and have been working on them... but also despite this story sounding horrible, it was 70% of the time great,
The story doesn't sound horrible, it IS horrible.
and I really just look deep down inside her and saw her screaming for help and knew she could eventually pull herself out of this.
You 'know' this about her? You know she 'could' pull herself out of this mess she's made of her life? But do you know if she actually will?
And it doesn't sound like she's screaming for help, it sounds like she's screaming for drugs, alcohol and enabling.
How instead of looking 'deep down inside' of her, you look deep down inside of YOU? Do you think you can pull yourself out of your codie issues that are quickly leading you to abuse, possible jail and criminal charges for an assault you didn't commit, and death on the highway from a nutjob who starts hitting you and yanking on the steering wheel as you drive? These are MAJOR codie issues.
it was a struggle getting her in [to rehab], and I made some tough decisions to make sure it happened.
OMG, how controlling and powerful do you think you are? If you've read on this board for a year, then you know if YOU get her into rehab, you are wasting everyone's time. Forcing someone into rehab means rehab will fail.
I for some reason am an alcoholic magnet even though I rarely drink.
No mystery here, you are a raging codie and a blatant enabler. They will flock to you forever as long as you don't fix this problem with yourself. Think about what this means for you. Will you ever have a real relationship that isn't based on mutual exploitation? Will you ever have genuine support and love and nurturing? Or will you always be the giver and never the receiver? Alkies can't give, they only take. If you surround yourself with them, you are setting yourself up for superficial exploitive relationships.
This woman has been a substance abuser since age 16. A serious, hardcore substance abuser. Her brain has never developed into healthy adulthood, her emotions from living with her dysfunctional family have never EVER been nurtured and allowed to develop in strong healthy ways. She probably has the emotional maturity of a 2 year old if even that (and that likely means she has a personality disorder, which probably can never be resolved).
She bit you within a week of knowing you, gets the cops called on her/you constantly, screams death threats, attacks you repeatedly, cheats on you, and your response is....? I just blew it off.
I didn't get hit for about 6 more months but the regular raging occurred and then I learned about her crystal use when she started making a scene to leave and disappear with "a friend" and not come back for several days. When I confronted her, she of course blamed everything on me. I wised up quickly to the whole blame game it wasnt working for me.
You wised up to what? The blame game does seem to be working very well for her. You are still with her.
I sent her a huge letter point blanking her on all her issue's and how her life is spinning out of control because of her alcohol and drug addictions and I don't choose to live my life that way...
But you DO live that way, and you choose it over and over and over. YOUR life is the one that's spinning out of control--not hers. She's always lived like that, since birth it sounds like. Cops and abuse and screaming and getting high.
May I suggest you write a letter to YOURSELF, stating point blank all YOUR issues, and how YOUR life is spinning out of control because of your association with her and why you do choose to live this way?
(I still had all her clothes and everything, I left her with nothing... maybe it was selfish keeping them from her on my part but I wanted her to truly feel like she had nothing in some sort of attempt to hope she would bottom)
No, you were being controlling and criminal. You were stealing her possessions and calling yourself noble to do so, telling yourself it was for her own good.
Please, what exactly are your professional credentials in handling addiction crisis? Is it really your place to steal her worldly goods in the name of 'curing' her? This is so outrageous of you. As horrible and as troubled as she is, she needs to get away from you. You are scary. Where is your lesson teaching going to stop? Recently in the news we had a story about a man tying his wife to a wheelchair when she got drunk. Is this going to be you? In AlAnon we have a member who was proud that they locked their alkie in a fruit cellar.
How people get to the place where they are stealing and inflicting criminal penalties on others in the name of 'fixing' their addictions is a slow one step at a time deviation off the acceptable path of behavior, a deviation led by a lot of stinkin' thinkin' on your part.
Leave this woman alone and get yourself to counseling. ASAP.
When I got back she said she found the love of her life and it was this new guy she just met 3 days earlier... I coaxed her into leaving that minute on vacation to Southern California... she was drunk as hell.
Bribery will not make someone love you or prevent them from leaving you. It also doesn't cure addiction.
...she began punching me in the head while driving 70 down the I-5. I kept pushing her away from me as she was trying to grab my wheel, she got a hold of it and ran us off the road. Thank god no one was hurt! She told me she doesn't want to be with me, she is in love with this new guy she met 3 days earlier and she ran across the freeway to the other side running screaming how she is going to hitch a ride home.
I turned the car around seriously worried about her safety.
She's punching you in the head while you are driving and you are worried about HER safety? What about YOUR safety? Believe me, she's safer violent and drunk hitchhiking where ever (she has the ability to take care of herself and god help whoever picks her up), than you are driving with her grabbing the wheel and assaulting you.
That is when I made the hardest decision...
You have NOT make the hardest decision yet. The hardest decision you will ever make will be to leave her, go no contact forever, and WORK ON YOURSELF.
You see I want her to get help, I saw her life spiraling out of control, and to be honest, I truly beleive she would have been dead within a couple years with just how high risk she is. I had lumps on the back of my head, but nothing substantial, I still had healing scabs (which are now scars) from earlier.. but nothing that said to me she might get arrested... since every other time she got away with beating me. So I decided I wanted to press charges and see if I can get her help. I beat my face in...
I see, you hurt yourself, made your injuries worse, in effect filed a false police report, so you could more effectively press charges against her--all for her own good. You knew your injuries weren't bad enough for her to be arrested, so you made sure by assaulting yourself that your injuries would be bad enough to get her arrested. This is what you said above you were afraid she was going to do to you. And yet she didn't do it to you. You did it to her. This is criminal, immoral and reprehensible of you. And your 'reasons' for doing it are not noble and selfless; they are controlling, criminal, scary and sociopathic.
This is what your codependency has brought you to. This is not okay. What she did was also not okay, but what you did to 'handle' it was equally not okay, in fact worse.
she just wants to go home and be with the new man she met 3 days ago.
So that's what she should do. If she wants to be with him, not you, then she should be with him. It's for HER to find out he's not what she wants or needs, not for you to make her decisions for her.
All of this would have been avoided had the first time she told you she wanted to be with someone else, you'd said: "fine, your right to be with whomever you want" instead of bribing her with a CA trip, denying her alcohol, then beating yourself up so she would get arrested the way you thought she deserved. This whole disaster was created by you trying to control her and impose your will on her.
I refused to bail her out, in fact the first thing I did was talk with the DA and filed several papers documenting her abuse, and all the complaints from the apartment complex, and a personal statement from myself. The DA wanted to give her a year in jail, and didn't want to backdown on the public defenders deal because her wrap sheet is so big. (lots and lots of alcohol charges and resisting arrest and FTA's all because of alochol). But I bottom lined him, and said jail wont do her good she needs recovery. He asked me what I think should happen. I said she needs 90 days inpatient rehab at a womans only facility and I will pay for it, and she needs a year of outpatient and AA, plus she needs the Domestic Violence classes and formal supervised probation... I got everything I asked for and she took the plea. I also had the restraining order modified to allow for peaceful contact.
You are one hell of a control freak. You have this poor sick, emotionally disturbed woman trapped right where you want her, completely under your thumb. I think you are scary. She would have been far better off with a year in jail away from you.
And the prosecutor went with it because it was fastest, easiest and you were going to pay for it--not because you were right.
And where are your charges for beating yourself up in the face and lying to police and telling them she did it?
I sent her a couple impact letters, and I got several nice very long letters back. Super apologetic realizing now that she was 100% to blame for everything,
No, she's not 100% to blame for everything.
She told me several girls got busted for drinking and doing crystal in the rehab but she had enough strength to say no, and did come out clean on her tests, so I am proud of that...
Why are you proud of that? It's her victory, not yours. You have some real boundary issues going on.
She then apparently was able to leave with a female buddy to accompany her to the hospital that night, and she never returned. I was told this when I came to pick her up... I FREAKED OUT... went to the hospital to look for her.
She wasn't there, I went back to the rehab to talk to the supervisor,
What? Are you having trouble controlling her even though you have her locked up by court order based on your false police report?
This is appalling behavior on your part. True control freak behavior. This is NOT your business. This is between her and the rehab. They have no business talking to you about it. You desperately need to BACK off and start handling your own issues.
She was in a bad mood for the first hour and even started talking about not being together anymore, and doesn't know if she loves me, and how she wants to introduce me to this single girl in the rehab... She only ever talks like that when some other man gives her attention... So the fact she was out all night, told me she met a guy (even though she says nothing happened) and then talking about maybe breaking up and not loving me anymore when the past 2 months she was professing her undying love for me while sober... just doesn't add up.
Because she doesn't love you, because she's and unemployed woman stuck with you right now because you are so involved with her legal matters, because she needs an enabler. You've got her cornered and trapped, but that does not a healthy relationship make. Yes, it does add up.
She ... loves me so much and looks forward to a clean sober life, etc she just gets confused a lot. So I am a little confused about what happened the night before...
This 'confusion' she has is because what she feels and what she wants and what she needs are all different. She wants other men, but she also wants to appease you, her enabler and her judge and jury. You know she doesn't really want you, but figure it's best for everyone if she stays with you and does what you want. The confusion you both feel is based on the gap between what you both intuitively know to be true and what you want to be true. Facts vs emotion.
"Some" codie issues? Some? You are as out of control codie as she is out of control substance abuser.
I've known this long before I met her and have been working on them... but also despite this story sounding horrible, it was 70% of the time great,
The story doesn't sound horrible, it IS horrible.
and I really just look deep down inside her and saw her screaming for help and knew she could eventually pull herself out of this.
You 'know' this about her? You know she 'could' pull herself out of this mess she's made of her life? But do you know if she actually will?
And it doesn't sound like she's screaming for help, it sounds like she's screaming for drugs, alcohol and enabling.
How instead of looking 'deep down inside' of her, you look deep down inside of YOU? Do you think you can pull yourself out of your codie issues that are quickly leading you to abuse, possible jail and criminal charges for an assault you didn't commit, and death on the highway from a nutjob who starts hitting you and yanking on the steering wheel as you drive? These are MAJOR codie issues.
it was a struggle getting her in [to rehab], and I made some tough decisions to make sure it happened.
OMG, how controlling and powerful do you think you are? If you've read on this board for a year, then you know if YOU get her into rehab, you are wasting everyone's time. Forcing someone into rehab means rehab will fail.
I for some reason am an alcoholic magnet even though I rarely drink.
No mystery here, you are a raging codie and a blatant enabler. They will flock to you forever as long as you don't fix this problem with yourself. Think about what this means for you. Will you ever have a real relationship that isn't based on mutual exploitation? Will you ever have genuine support and love and nurturing? Or will you always be the giver and never the receiver? Alkies can't give, they only take. If you surround yourself with them, you are setting yourself up for superficial exploitive relationships.
This woman has been a substance abuser since age 16. A serious, hardcore substance abuser. Her brain has never developed into healthy adulthood, her emotions from living with her dysfunctional family have never EVER been nurtured and allowed to develop in strong healthy ways. She probably has the emotional maturity of a 2 year old if even that (and that likely means she has a personality disorder, which probably can never be resolved).
She bit you within a week of knowing you, gets the cops called on her/you constantly, screams death threats, attacks you repeatedly, cheats on you, and your response is....? I just blew it off.
I didn't get hit for about 6 more months but the regular raging occurred and then I learned about her crystal use when she started making a scene to leave and disappear with "a friend" and not come back for several days. When I confronted her, she of course blamed everything on me. I wised up quickly to the whole blame game it wasnt working for me.
You wised up to what? The blame game does seem to be working very well for her. You are still with her.
I sent her a huge letter point blanking her on all her issue's and how her life is spinning out of control because of her alcohol and drug addictions and I don't choose to live my life that way...
But you DO live that way, and you choose it over and over and over. YOUR life is the one that's spinning out of control--not hers. She's always lived like that, since birth it sounds like. Cops and abuse and screaming and getting high.
May I suggest you write a letter to YOURSELF, stating point blank all YOUR issues, and how YOUR life is spinning out of control because of your association with her and why you do choose to live this way?
(I still had all her clothes and everything, I left her with nothing... maybe it was selfish keeping them from her on my part but I wanted her to truly feel like she had nothing in some sort of attempt to hope she would bottom)
No, you were being controlling and criminal. You were stealing her possessions and calling yourself noble to do so, telling yourself it was for her own good.
Please, what exactly are your professional credentials in handling addiction crisis? Is it really your place to steal her worldly goods in the name of 'curing' her? This is so outrageous of you. As horrible and as troubled as she is, she needs to get away from you. You are scary. Where is your lesson teaching going to stop? Recently in the news we had a story about a man tying his wife to a wheelchair when she got drunk. Is this going to be you? In AlAnon we have a member who was proud that they locked their alkie in a fruit cellar.
How people get to the place where they are stealing and inflicting criminal penalties on others in the name of 'fixing' their addictions is a slow one step at a time deviation off the acceptable path of behavior, a deviation led by a lot of stinkin' thinkin' on your part.
Leave this woman alone and get yourself to counseling. ASAP.
When I got back she said she found the love of her life and it was this new guy she just met 3 days earlier... I coaxed her into leaving that minute on vacation to Southern California... she was drunk as hell.
Bribery will not make someone love you or prevent them from leaving you. It also doesn't cure addiction.
...she began punching me in the head while driving 70 down the I-5. I kept pushing her away from me as she was trying to grab my wheel, she got a hold of it and ran us off the road. Thank god no one was hurt! She told me she doesn't want to be with me, she is in love with this new guy she met 3 days earlier and she ran across the freeway to the other side running screaming how she is going to hitch a ride home.
I turned the car around seriously worried about her safety.
She's punching you in the head while you are driving and you are worried about HER safety? What about YOUR safety? Believe me, she's safer violent and drunk hitchhiking where ever (she has the ability to take care of herself and god help whoever picks her up), than you are driving with her grabbing the wheel and assaulting you.
That is when I made the hardest decision...
You have NOT make the hardest decision yet. The hardest decision you will ever make will be to leave her, go no contact forever, and WORK ON YOURSELF.
You see I want her to get help, I saw her life spiraling out of control, and to be honest, I truly beleive she would have been dead within a couple years with just how high risk she is. I had lumps on the back of my head, but nothing substantial, I still had healing scabs (which are now scars) from earlier.. but nothing that said to me she might get arrested... since every other time she got away with beating me. So I decided I wanted to press charges and see if I can get her help. I beat my face in...
I see, you hurt yourself, made your injuries worse, in effect filed a false police report, so you could more effectively press charges against her--all for her own good. You knew your injuries weren't bad enough for her to be arrested, so you made sure by assaulting yourself that your injuries would be bad enough to get her arrested. This is what you said above you were afraid she was going to do to you. And yet she didn't do it to you. You did it to her. This is criminal, immoral and reprehensible of you. And your 'reasons' for doing it are not noble and selfless; they are controlling, criminal, scary and sociopathic.
This is what your codependency has brought you to. This is not okay. What she did was also not okay, but what you did to 'handle' it was equally not okay, in fact worse.
she just wants to go home and be with the new man she met 3 days ago.
So that's what she should do. If she wants to be with him, not you, then she should be with him. It's for HER to find out he's not what she wants or needs, not for you to make her decisions for her.
All of this would have been avoided had the first time she told you she wanted to be with someone else, you'd said: "fine, your right to be with whomever you want" instead of bribing her with a CA trip, denying her alcohol, then beating yourself up so she would get arrested the way you thought she deserved. This whole disaster was created by you trying to control her and impose your will on her.
I refused to bail her out, in fact the first thing I did was talk with the DA and filed several papers documenting her abuse, and all the complaints from the apartment complex, and a personal statement from myself. The DA wanted to give her a year in jail, and didn't want to backdown on the public defenders deal because her wrap sheet is so big. (lots and lots of alcohol charges and resisting arrest and FTA's all because of alochol). But I bottom lined him, and said jail wont do her good she needs recovery. He asked me what I think should happen. I said she needs 90 days inpatient rehab at a womans only facility and I will pay for it, and she needs a year of outpatient and AA, plus she needs the Domestic Violence classes and formal supervised probation... I got everything I asked for and she took the plea. I also had the restraining order modified to allow for peaceful contact.
You are one hell of a control freak. You have this poor sick, emotionally disturbed woman trapped right where you want her, completely under your thumb. I think you are scary. She would have been far better off with a year in jail away from you.
And the prosecutor went with it because it was fastest, easiest and you were going to pay for it--not because you were right.
And where are your charges for beating yourself up in the face and lying to police and telling them she did it?
I sent her a couple impact letters, and I got several nice very long letters back. Super apologetic realizing now that she was 100% to blame for everything,
No, she's not 100% to blame for everything.
She told me several girls got busted for drinking and doing crystal in the rehab but she had enough strength to say no, and did come out clean on her tests, so I am proud of that...
Why are you proud of that? It's her victory, not yours. You have some real boundary issues going on.
She then apparently was able to leave with a female buddy to accompany her to the hospital that night, and she never returned. I was told this when I came to pick her up... I FREAKED OUT... went to the hospital to look for her.
She wasn't there, I went back to the rehab to talk to the supervisor,
What? Are you having trouble controlling her even though you have her locked up by court order based on your false police report?
This is appalling behavior on your part. True control freak behavior. This is NOT your business. This is between her and the rehab. They have no business talking to you about it. You desperately need to BACK off and start handling your own issues.
She was in a bad mood for the first hour and even started talking about not being together anymore, and doesn't know if she loves me, and how she wants to introduce me to this single girl in the rehab... She only ever talks like that when some other man gives her attention... So the fact she was out all night, told me she met a guy (even though she says nothing happened) and then talking about maybe breaking up and not loving me anymore when the past 2 months she was professing her undying love for me while sober... just doesn't add up.
Because she doesn't love you, because she's and unemployed woman stuck with you right now because you are so involved with her legal matters, because she needs an enabler. You've got her cornered and trapped, but that does not a healthy relationship make. Yes, it does add up.
She ... loves me so much and looks forward to a clean sober life, etc she just gets confused a lot. So I am a little confused about what happened the night before...
This 'confusion' she has is because what she feels and what she wants and what she needs are all different. She wants other men, but she also wants to appease you, her enabler and her judge and jury. You know she doesn't really want you, but figure it's best for everyone if she stays with you and does what you want. The confusion you both feel is based on the gap between what you both intuitively know to be true and what you want to be true. Facts vs emotion.
What are you doing to fix yourself? Private therapist? Al Anon several times a week? Are you joining a church since you think it's so good that she is? Are you exploring your childhood issues and learning to resist codependent behavior and identify and nullify your need to control and manipulate other people? Are you working on YOUR self esteem or are you going to continue to get your sense of pride through her accomplishments?
You are resigned to her eventual relapse. What are you going to do then? Put her back in rehab under the threat of arrest again? Are you going to have to beat your own face in again to ensure she gets what you think she needs? The next time you think she's cheating on you are you going to FREAK OUT again? Are you going to bring children into this horrible situation, and thus re-create the awful dysfunction another generation? And when they start acting out with drugs and alcohol and violence and running away, are you going to beat your face in so you can get them forced into therapy.
What a full life you will have managing everyone else's dysfunction but your own.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
Welcome millworx. I hope you will stick around and contitue to read and post.
Although a little rough, the response you've received may be spot on. There is a reason that you are in this situation. It's not her fault..you are a paying ticket holder to the drama.
I know that many " normies" would see your actions as comapssionate, kind and generous. But us here know the difference between genuine acts of kindness, and acts of control.
What you've described is a continuing cycle of trying to create the person you "think" she can "be". Why? She is who she is.
You can continue on this path or leave your front row seat and find a healthy life outside of addiction.
Your choices are yours to own, as are her's.
(((Hugs)))
Although a little rough, the response you've received may be spot on. There is a reason that you are in this situation. It's not her fault..you are a paying ticket holder to the drama.
I know that many " normies" would see your actions as comapssionate, kind and generous. But us here know the difference between genuine acts of kindness, and acts of control.
What you've described is a continuing cycle of trying to create the person you "think" she can "be". Why? She is who she is.
You can continue on this path or leave your front row seat and find a healthy life outside of addiction.
Your choices are yours to own, as are her's.
(((Hugs)))
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