lillamy

A couple of years ago, one of the longtimers here at SR posted about how her (or his, I don't remember) XAspouse was very predictable: That every four to six months, the XA would blow up over something and try to wreak havoc. I could really relate to that, because that's what my AXH was like, too. In the past year, however, for whatever reason, he has been remarkably detached from trying to meddle in my affairs.

I haven't had much of anything to do with him, other than the occasional run-in by e-mail that I've been able to roll my eyes at. So I've taken that to mean that I'm pretty well detached from his antics, too, and can handle them when they occur.

In the past month or so, I've noticed a difference in tone in his communications. An edge. Y'all probably know what I'm talking about -- that extra unnecessary line or word that's supposed to poke at you a bit. So I know that he's heading for attack mode again. (Which is when I, again, start making sure I'm armed before I leave the house.)

And so today, he tried one of those control tactics on me. Trying to make the kids' life more difficult in order to get me to do what he wanted me to do. I didn't even respond. I tried rolling my eyes. But I reacted. Dammit. I reacted physically -- the whole old panic feeling with my heart in my throat and full-blown PTSD flashbacks and the whole nine yards.

And again, I make the same post (maybe I should just resurrect one post every time this happens?) where I remind myself that recovery is a life-long process and that I have not "arrived" at some magical place where I'm untouchable.

What can you tell me that will put me in the right frame of mind?

Impurrfect

((lillamy)) - I don't know what to tell you, but sending you lots of extra hugs.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Titanic

Think of how a stutterer who has learned to manage copes with a sudden onset.

Trust your tools through it. Or say to yourself "Program and practice is power!" The panic gives you the chance to stay honed.

marie1960

"There's a world of difference between truth and facts. Facts can obscure truth.”
(Maya Angelou)

You know the truth and that is all that matters. The truth shall remain your guide. Stay your course, you are doing the best you can for today.

Be well, friend.

GettingBy

It never ceases to amaze me when something hits a trigger. The buttons have seemingly gone away and then - bam! They get hit and a reaction begins.

My only thought is that you are not alone. It gets easier with time to fight the reaction... But I doubt it ever fully goes away. Particularly when trying to "co-parent" with an active, unrecovered alcoholic - as long as there is a tie that binds.... There is a chance for triggers to be set off.

Nope... No finish line.

lillamy

Yup. And it's unpredictable. Except you're right, GettingBy. If not for the co-parenting, going completely NC would be heaven. Although I have to admit, getting triggered means I learn something new about myself. Hate those Learning Opportunities.

Titanic

This too shall pass. Nothing lasts forever. Neither the good nor the bad.

BobbyJ

Just remember,

Once Upon a Time: You didnt have this much control of yourself/feelings/emotions and thinking....
NOW L@@K at you ....Stronger than ever!!! Whoop Whoop!

PS: We're only human my friend!

I do understand those trigger's - The one's that catch you off guard are the worse. They suck and are very disappointing.
I have them too but getting more distance as times goes on

I give you an A+, for seeing and being aware of whats going on!

Tuffgirl

I am going to channel one of my favorite old-timers here and say...f%*k that guy, lillamy.

Prayers for a more peaceful Monday! Its a short work week, yay!

lillamy

Thank you guys. I have recovered from the triggering incident, if not Recovered.

LifeRecovery

I am reading Beyond Codependency for the first time and what an eye opener for me.

She does not call this relapse, she calls this behavior recycling and has a section on it.

I am glad you are done with it, but reading that last night (prior to seeing your post) really made me feel better about my recovery.

StarCat

I look at things like this as a reminder of how far I've come.

There's a "game" that became popular on the internet.
The whole point of The Game is to not think about The Game.
If you think about The Game you lose.
As a result, there's no way to track how long you've been "winning" The Game, because as soon as you think about it, you lose.

In our recovery, there's a lot of thought patterns that we are learning to unthink.
Periodically we will start to think them again, a "slip" in our recovery.
The less often we slip, the further we are in our recovery.
But we don't usually think about not slipping, we usually only realize how good we've been getting with our healthier thought processes when we catch ourselves slipping into the told ones.

The less often we slip into the old ones, the better we're doing, but in a lot of ways slipping into the old behavior also gives us a way to measure how well we are doing.
A sort of "Wow, I haven't thought that way in months!" notice, or a "Usually I don't catch myself until I do y - but this time I caught myself sooner at x!" moment.




That said, it's still tough to work through.
I've got my own recent situation with this, but I don't want to take over the thread.

GettingBy

AFGO, lillamy!!!!

I love the positive spin on it!! To take a reaction and turn it into a growing and learning opportunity is a huge positive sign!!

BlueSkies1

I think they do things that are aimed at us, as if we are prey...but look at it this way--how long have you been separated from him? A year? Two years? More?
His frustrations and moods no longer are related to you. In otherwords...it had nothing to do with you, even when he tried to make it so.
He owns his bad days, moodiness, grumpiness, cynicism, pessimissm, and whatever else he may be carrying around.
Oh...I say...it has nothng to do with me...and then free my mind to think about something that does have to do with me.