Chris1000101

So far, there is one thing about my life that I have yet been able to understand and relate with others on. There may be more but this one has cropped up again, childhood excitement.

Someone was trying to share with me about the excitement they were experiencing in their life and gave two examples of what it was like for them.

First, was like running across the room and hugging daddy as soon as he got home from work. . . . Not in my lifetime. Whenever we saw his black car come down the lane, we hid. Should he make it in the house and we didn’t see him, we became invisible because all of us kids knew that when that third beer was popped one of us was going to get it.

Second, was making a birthday or Santa list. . . . Again, not in my lifetime. There were no birthdays or holidays, it was just another day and if there was a present, it was we didn’t get beat that day. It wasn’t until I was ten and in the foster homes that those thing started. I didn’t understand it nor did I want to be a part of all the hoopla but I learned to tolerate it.

Usually I skim what I hear and comment what I have experienced but this time I feel like a deer in headlights. Usually I shoot the squirrel as soon as it gets out or I shove it back in the cage. This time though he has his head stuck in the door. He’s not running nor is he put away. Even my squirrel feels like a deer.

Kialua

Boy do I relate to that. Not the foster care but the dad coming home and hiding, the three beers and someone gets it. Yup been there done that, ha ha. I remember trying to get an allowance, like 5 cents a week, and adding it up to see how much I could save in a month, in a year. Never happened. I could however take empty Lemon Sour bottles when he wasn't around and get 3 cents for them.

We always got plenty of toys for Christmas but it was a hollow victory and met with much trepidation because the next move, of many, would see those toys disappear. So no attachments were placed on toys or belongings of any kind.

Having my own daughter and seeing her with my husband being a good dad was very therapeutic.

Chris1000101

There is a memory I don’t recall very often. . . . Sis and I didn’t have much to begin with but we eventually just stopped accepting anything from others. Bio-dad and his second wife would go through the house and anything they found that belonged to sis and I would land in the burn pile. We got to keep the cloths we were wearing and a couple of changes but that was it.

Even after all these years, I can still so clearly see the flames and some of our stuff on that pile burning. The pile would already be made they waited for us to get home from school. We had to watch them dump gas on it then light it. Then as the fire started to died they would let us walk around but they would be following us and telling us we were not allowed to have friends or talk to anyone.

Jody675

i am so sorry to hear about your childhood chris. it really does sound like you had a sadistic father. i hope you have found a good therapist to help you sort out those emotions for i can imagine they left pretty deep scars. help the squirrel to get his head out and make friends with him. you might find he has some really cool places to show you.

Ms.TimmyV

Aw, I know what you're going through.

I had the burn pile too. My stuff was also put out in front of the house for the entire neighborhood to see. Christmas stopped when I was about 10 if I'm not mistaken. Needless to say, I'm not attached to material things. I guess it's a blessing and a curse.

Man, I forgot all about that until I read this post.

The burn pile is hardcore though. I know how you feel.

Kialua

I never saw a burn pile, so there is your fire connection?

I guess the stuff we had could have been burnt in our evening trash burn. Or went to the dump when we moved or was just left at the house. We moved like 14 times so stuff was constantly gone. But the stuff we did hang onto, like a picture, dishes, few pieces of furniture, when I go into a flea market or antique store and see it -I get sick to my stomach. My husband likes to hunt for books but I had to just stop going to those places, can't take it seeing that old stuff.

frances2011

Peace and strength to you Chris and Kialua for sharing these hard, hard memories.

I am so sorry these terrible things happened to you.

********{Peace and Comfort and Healing}}}}}

In my opinion, you show great courage in sharing your experiences. I believe that the truth is the first step to healing old wounds.

Every time I see one of my friend's kids who is happy and safe and secure, it heals a little bit of me.

Chris1000101

okay, I’m done laughing . . . third time is the charm . . . I’m not laughing at you I just had the thought of getting coins for therapy/counseling/etc like the ones they give in AA and NA, I would have my silver by now. Yes, it’s been a long road with some deep scars. As for as loving as it may be to be friends with my squirrels, they have always gotten me into trouble. It’s nice when it’s just run away thoughts someone will usually talk me down . . . OR . . . and I have two loving friends that do this . . . smack me on the back of the head. Yes, yes, many ACoAs will do anything for attention even if it’s negative. I was that way for years and I probable still do it but I at least I keep an eye on it today.

I’ll share my last smack with you it was about a month ago. Al-anon meeting, 25+ people and I am only one of three males in the room. It was my turn to read a question about coda stuff and I got lost at the first two words. I read, “Gaining support” and successfully finished reading it whatever it was, but I had to apologize to the group and said I need to read it again because I got lost at the first two words. My friend was sitting beside me at the meeting and she said, “You got lost after two words”? I responded, “Yep I did, I read gaining support and the only thing I could think of was stopping at the store and buying myself a brazier.” SMACK

Chris1000101

I’ve thought about that. It could be the burn pile - it could be the actual burns - it could be so many things - I’ll never know and at this point in the game, it doesn’t matter anymore. The important thing for me to remember is that it could be a problem for me if I’m not careful.

I can understand the older shops too. There is one off the 401 in Canada that I love to visit because it is an actual antique shop. The top floor, all the rooms are separated by the different wars up to the 50s: uniforms, guns, etc. The bottom is how everyone lived during those times, that one I enjoy seeing. What I have seen here in MiddleOfNowhere is just flea market junk. I see things there I had as a kid and not what I was actually looking for so I just drive off without ever getting out of the car. I couldn’t tell you the last time I was in any of those shops.

Chris1000101

My squirrel is blissfully back in its cage until next time. I’m still pondering over “childhood excitement”. Holiday list or the excitement of seeing a parent return home from work, neither of them are for me.

I’m not going to give myself a headache over this but I am curious to know if anyone can think of any other examples of “childhood excitement”?

NWGRITS

I'm on the other side of the "stuff" coin. I have no attachment to material things because my AM has always been in debt up to her eyeballs from buying things. Her entire life revolves around living a lifestyle she can't afford, and trying to make everyone think she's loaded. She tried to use stuff as her bargaining chip to keep us under her control. She still doesn't understand how I can refuse packages at the door when she sends my kids insanely expensive gifts. For me, anything given as a gift has always had strings attached. I have a hard time being gracious when I'm given a legitimate gift by my husband or my kids.

Vacations. Disney World is supposed to be the happiest place on earth. For me, it was a nightmare. Family vacations meant AM stumbling back from the pool bar blitzed and peeing somewhere in the condo that wasn't the toilet. I never understood the desire to take a trip anywhere with one's family. Even to Disney World.

Kialua

No, I can't imagine childhood excitement. Didn't exist for me, can't wrap my head around that one for myself. Just survival daily.

I have seen it my own kid though and built it for her. I think that is why I was so drawn to my nephews and nieces. Through them I got to experience their joy and even orchestrated it.

dbh

Thank you for bringing up this topic.

Things that I can relate to ... wanting to hide when my father came home. We never knew which dad we were going to get the happy/fun father or the drunk/bitter/hostile guy.

There are a handful of Christmases that I remember enjoying and feeling excited about. Mostly I remember lying to people about what we did as a family or about the gifts that we got. Holidays were/are so hard because during these times I find myself wishing the most for a more "normal" family.

Something that I can't relate to ... feeling obligated to take care of an elderly parent. My father passed away two years ago and the years leading up to his death were hard because he needed help and I still had so much resentment towards him. Often the books that I read or the people I would talk to assumed that we had a loving father/daughter relationship. He always wanted people to believe that. People would tell me what an "honor" it was to be able to help your parents in their time of need. I wanted to scream that he was lucky I was still willing to sit in the same room with him.

The whole experience turned out to be extremely healing for me in the end. I didn't continue the "happy family" facade and I was honest with people about the environment I grew up in. The more I told his/our story the more I healed. I even found a book entitled "Taking Care of Parents Who Didn't Take Care of You"!

Sometimes, when I find myself getting pulled into a conversation with someone who grew up in a stable and happy home I'll simply say "Well, that wasn't my experience" and leave it at that.

Thank you for letting me share.

db

dbh

It's also hard for me to think about times in my childhood when I was excited. I think I never wanted to get too excited about anything because things never stayed the same. Promises were often broken and we would get yelled at for random things depending on the moods of our parents. So much easier to keep quiet, stay out of the way, and live in my head (I loved losing myself in books and movies).

I can remember getting exciting about getting my first new bike, going for ice cream, going to amusement parks, and going to pools. But these memories stand out in my mind because they were the exception to how we usually lived. Bright spots that gave me hope that things could change (although they never did). The happy times also never lasted long. For example, I ended up falling off my bike and breaking a bone. So when I think about that bike I often remember my father yelling at me that he never should have gotten me that "G*d D*mn" bike because I was too clumsy to know how to ride it. To this day I still don't like riding bikes.

Anyway, this morning I asked my children (ages 9 and 12) what they get excited about. I'm proud to say that they quickly were able to rattle off a number of things before they were suspicious about why I wanted to know. As a mom, I do experience joy by watching them get excited about things. Years ago, my daughter and I had an indoor water park practically to ourselves one night before it closed for the evening. We were laughing and running up the stairs to the various slides. I think that's probably the closest to childhood excitement that I have gotten. I often think that ACA conferences should be held at amusement and/or water parks :-)

Here's the list that my children came up with this morning:

• Snow Days
• Sleeping In
• Going on Vacation
• Playing a New Game on my iPod/computer
• Having Friends Over
• Riding Waves
• Being Off from School
• Christmas Morning

Just realized that you don't have to be a child to get excited about most of these. Maybe it's not too late for us :-)

Thank you for letting me share.

db

DefofLov

Beautiful post dbh

Jody675

chris, my bf is the survivor of an alcoholic and drug addicted mother, and his childhood sounds like no picnic. hes been living some of his lost memories through my kids...food fights, being an idiot shopping, just being a bit of a dufus head actually. they love it. me i dont know how to relate like this, but he is having a ball. (my kids are not young either...they are 14 and 15 and live being big kids and letting loose). maybe go and hijack your, or some of your nieces or nephews and just let go. kids dont judge and they love fun. just a suggestion.

glad your squirrel is back in its cage...it doesnt have one of those high pitched voices that sounds like it has 20 coffees a day does it?)

powderchyld

Thank you everyone for sharing all of this. I am brand new to this forum, after feeling so broken down and guilty I had no idea where else to turn. I too can relate to not being excited about anything, for me it was a defense mechanism though I think. I still to this day think that if I show anyone how much joy something might give me, it's now something that they can use against me or take away from me. I am praying as DB says that watching my son experience joy without consequence will let me relive it for myself.