Confetti

I know that it has been said here at SR that sometimes it takes several attempts at NC for it to stick....

I have really been struggling with NC myself. I really keep falling back into my codie ways, thinking that if I talk logically to him that he will understand and be at least compassionate and considerate.

Boy was I wrong.

It started off ok. Him asking how the kids and I were, but by the time it ended he hung up on me screaming that I was a "Stupid B****!". throughout the conversation, it went from he didn't feel I was capable of looking after the kids(!?!?!)....because they went tobogganing with their Grandpa. HE was just vicious. He mocked earlier conversations that we had a month or more ago, called me every nasty name in the book, and then insisted I was crazy...yet again.

I don't know why the heck I bother. Its like each time, I really think he'll get it, snap into reality and man up, but it's more like I beating my head against a wall.

I'm sure that eventually it will get easier, but in the meantime, I just needed to vent.

Rosiepetal

So sorry.
They don't get it.
They don't see or understand it.
Vent all you like, it's frustrating I know, just avoid contact & focus on yourself.
Hugs to you.

marie1960

Consider it another confirmation......... if nothing changes, nothing changes.

i too got tired of hitting the brick wall at 100 mph. Ouch!!!!

soexhausted

An Al Anon friend told me to write on a piece of paper,
"Every time I see her, talk to her or write to her it makes me feel like crap.
Just for today, do I want to feel like crap?"
Tape this to your bathroom mirror so it is the first thing you see every morning.
I thought it sounded a little kooky.
But it actually helped.

BlueSkies1

I so LOVE THIS!

Seren

I'm sorry you are feeling bad right now, confetti. Sometimes we just need to go back and see for ourselves that the stove is still hot, if it will still burn us.

I hope tomorrow is a better day!

NYCDoglvr

Hey, it could have been worse. It's only a phone call, you didn't see him and get back together. Both codependents and alcoholics have big problems with denial. Eventually you'll accept his limitations. It helped me to say "a leopard doesn't change his spots." Dumb, perhaps, but it helped.

freeatlast1313

I did the same thing, same result. Helped me remember why I am doing this NC and break up.

ZiggyB

I'm so sorry...

I was called the stupid b*tch name a couple of times myself, in addition to some other things.

I broke contact recently to try and smooth things over and he was still angry at me, mean and vicious. I miss the relationship I used to have when things are good, but as far as I'm concerned that person is dead and what's left in his place is a creep. Not going back there... no way.

Learn2Live

Here is how I finally understood so that I could let go. While we are going along in life with them, we THINK we are having a relationship. Because of course they live with us, we've done fun things together, some of us married and or had kids with them, had conversations about things together. We remember good times along with the bad.

But what we don't realize is, THEY and their brains, do not perceive and understand what we have together experienced the same way WE perceive and experience. It is like they are with us but are actually in a parallel universe.

I know, sounds freaky and sci-fi, doesn't it? But if you think about it a little, it starts to make sense. They are not HAVING the same relationship we are having. It is something wholly different to them than what it is to us. How do I know this is true? Because I would NEVER get involved with a person, pursue them even, and then cheat on that person. But this has happened to me. HE could! And do you know he could even try to get back with me a month later when the woman he cheated with on me dumped him? And do you know he could even come back some three or so years later and try to pursue me again?? With absolutely NO understanding that HIS idea of a relationship is COMPLETELY different than mine! I can only shake my head.

He just does not see things the same way you do, Confetti. And he never will. EVER.

Tuffgirl

I went back for more multiple times. You're right - it takes time to really stick. I remember when it did for me. I walked away from another nasty conversation centered on all of my faults (mostly perceived) and said "I can't believe I let this guy talk to me this way". And from that point forward, I didn't.

So sorry you got a tongue lashing. Now hop back on the wagon and try again. Keep trying until it sticks for you. You're strong - you can do this!

lovesunandsnow

It is so hard and I broke the NC this week. I sent an email. He will never respond but I still should not have sent it. I'm angry and sad but like everyone has posted they have there own relationship and it's not the one we were in with them. Stay strong and I hope you try and have a good night.

amy55

I used to save a lot of his voicemails, the blaming ones. I also taped a few of our conversations. When I wanted to here his voice, I listened to them. Stopped me dead in my tracks.

celticgenes

I too struggled with no contact. I also saved some of the nastier voicemails (which he denied ever saying), and all of the texts & emails. Just to remind me of how crazy he could be.

It finally got through my head that I was imbuing him with all sorts of relationship abilities and qualities that he simply didn't possess. I was in a fantasy relationship. He was physically present, and we did talk, make love, go out to dinner, see our families, etc. But he had no investment in any of it. If it got in the way of his ability to continue drinking, it was gone.

I watched the love of my life turn vicious and destroy any trust I ever imagined I had in him.

We still own a property that needs to be sold, so I do have some limited contact with him. He's less crazy now, but I've noticed that he never asks how I'm doing, or about my job. Has plenty to say about himself, though. The time and distance has really given me perspective on just how unbelievably selfish and infantile he is.

I will no longer give him any information about me, or my family that could be used against me. The trust is GONE. Now I just feel sorry for him. But very happy for me.

thislonelygirl

oh man. sorry this happened to you again. it seems we as loved ones think hey a normal conversation just to get a brutal reality slapped in our faces.
i hope you are doing well and realize this is just the addict talking.
my ah called me nasty names as well. at first i took the words personally but realized he didnt even truly know the words he was using.
just another of many cons to loving an addict.

Confetti

Today I'm feeling like a total fool. I should have known better!
Ugh....I'm a bit disappointed in myself for thinking that anything could be any different than it currently is.

Thanks for all the support everyone.

I suppose I'll just get up and dust myself off and take this as a lesson learnt and hopefully I won't need another reminder any time soon.

ZiggyB

yeah the urge to contact them can be quite compelling. Tomorrow is the axbf's birthday and do you believe I have been tempted to send him a card? I won't though... he would probably just spit on it or something. :-P

Rosiepetal

Confetti
We don't think you're a fool, we understand & know its frustrating.
Hang in there.
Try to be kind to yourself.
Hugs.

redatlanta

Its such a creepy yuck icky feeling when we go back and they crap all over us.

Most people do it - sorry it happened but glad he did, much better when they are nasty rather than nice and you end back up with them.

Katiekate

No New Contact , No New Pain became my mantra.

I read that here. It was hard for me too to keep no contact for a time, but it was the best thing for me.

He will devastate you any chance he gets. You have changed an alcoholics status quo, he needs revenge, he needs to open up the luggage every now and then, and he will do it any chance you give him.

I know, I lived it. It was horrible.

Take good care, it was a slip, that's all.

Katie xo