yunazunto

Hi everyone,

I made an account almost 2 years ago, I'm guessing because I was becoming increasingly troubled by the repeated mistakes and bad decisions that I was making as a result of being drunk. My social life was suffering from it: friends turned their backs, guys used me and never called me again, and I was slowly growing a bad reputation among circles. I didn't take any serious measures or try to make a drastic change in my lifestyle, and the cycle continued. I was called a ***** and people lost respect for me: waking up in a random bed happened on weekends, and I lost the ability to value friendships or try to keep them through trust and commitment.

The shame, the destruction, the loss of self-esteem, ALL OF IT caused by the person I become when I DRINK: irresponsible, violent, promiscuous (the list of negative adjectives could go on, but all in all I quote my boyfriend's words: I become A MONSTER)

The reason why I'm back here today is that my boyfriend of 1 year and a half just broke up with me this morning, waking up after a dramatic failed weekend night.
It's not like I didn't get any warnings, or an endless number of chances from him, who happens to be the BEST GUY EVER. We started to hang out when he liked me and saw that I was in a hole and he tried to get me out of it: he has taken so much care of me and tried to help me change, carried me when I was passed out, cooked and did things for me when I was hungover, waited in the ER for 4 hours with me after I busted my chin open from being drunk: the SWEETEST guy I've ever had in my life. The only guy who cares about me. And I pushed him away. He really loved me and believed that he could change me for the better. But after almost 2 years of this endless loop of mistakes, I've ruined yet another weekend night because of my impulsive violent behavior. And now he says he's given up for good and never wants to see me again.

So I am here to ask: what is WRONG with me? Why do I ruin everything, destroy everything? Why did I have to chug beer when he advised me "If I see you drunk again, bye-bye"???
I have good intentions but am I that messed up, or does the alcohol really take away all control and dignity from me? I've lost the best thing that's happened in my life. A guy that I wanted to grow with and stay with for a WHILE, travel together, just be happy together. And instead I've made both of our lives miserable.

I just want to change, I want to crawl out of the skin of this horrible drunk me and CHANGE. Because maybe he hasn't totally given up on me yet and will break up for a few weeks and see what happens: I want to show him that I have ACTUALLY CHANGED, not that I just said that I changed. I need help...

DrunkTx

I am sorry for your sequence of events. Your boyfriend might be the catalyst, but he is not the reason or the cure. You have to want to stop, the rest will be what it will be. Don't hang your sobriety on his head- we all carry our own crosses. Your actions will speak volumes, just do it for you and only you. Let the spectators and boyfriend watch with admiration.

onlythetruth

What is wrong with you? You have an addiction to alcohol, just as I once did, and you're among people who understand.

You absolutely can change. Write (and read) some more on these forums. Check out a recovery meeting--SMART Recovery, AA. Look into AVRT (more information on the Secular forum). There are many roads to change: the key is your commitment to do it...no matter what.

Delilah1

Sounds like you are ready to change. However, you need to do it for you and not your boyfriend. It isn't easy but you will find lots of support on SR, also check out the secular section there are many resources there: Women For Sobriety, SMART, AA,....

Also, Anna has a great thread about books for recovery, I have already read several of them and the memoirs are great because I can relate to so many things in them.

Try to find as many sources of support as you can, and keep posting and reading here. You can do this!!!

sothisisit

Yes. To regain trust we have to show we have changed. All the good intentions and promises in the world won't convinced people who have seen us keep on drinking. I won't have convinced even myself until people don't instantly assume that I've started drinking again when I don't get back to them by phone/e-mail/whatever right away. I earned their distrust and can only reinstate their trust by my behaviour changing over time. Only then will I feel sucessful at all.

Impurrfect

Welcome to SR! I do recommend you read around, here, as you will see you're not alone. I also recommend you seek recovery for yourself - not to impress him or anyone else. Though it may seem like a good idea at the time, it usually backfires and we feel resentful to the very person we're trying to change for.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Tiredman

I have a girlfriend of 8 years that has been supporting me. I would be ok for some time then a big session with work people or friends and I would do things that I would regret. The problem was that the "things" got worse and the guilt less and less. I wondered if I actually loved her. Last Friday was another session and this time I have decided that I am stopping forever. I am doing it because I have lost respect for myself. she has been a great support and no doubt our relationship will get better. I am still pretty mixed up but I know that things will only get better and be easier to deal with once I am sober....I also won't be such a dick....

Lionhearted1

Hello and welcome thank you for your honest post it's the first step to recovery, we need to get totaly honest before we can move forward.

I think the part I have highlighted sums up this illness/disease/ addiction perfectly, I bet when you are sober you are a nice person but after a few drinks inside you things start to change iam not going to go into the physiological reaasons to much, but simply put once you have one drink you can not control how many you will have after. Sometimes you will get away with it but eventually you will lose control again and bad things happen.

What's wrong with you?? it seems that you have a problem with alcohol I could not say for sure if your alcoholic but your story is very similar to mine although iam male, and iam an alcoholic.

All I will say is your story has some real red flags and if you don't get a grip of this it will just keep getting worse and worse.

Do some reading on here, check out some support groups like aa smart avrt.

Good luck, god bless......lion

Hevyn

Welcome yuna. I'm sure it was painful to put it all out there like that - but maybe you'll feel a little better for having told your story.

Alcohol turned me into someone I didn't even recognize. It took a number of years, but in the end I was a danger to myself and others. Every time I picked up I swore I'd have just one or two - and it always ended in blackout or sloppy drunken behavior. I have forgiven myself for those days - because it's hard to move forward when we keep rehashing the past. Learn from it - kick that stuff out of your life - and reach out for the beautiful days ahead, sober and clear headed. You can do this! We will help.

instant

Only you can decide the role of alcohol in your life. I suspect all the bad stuff has it's root cause in alcohol intoxication and addiction.