Reminding myself to stop the insanity
Restoring myself to sanity
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
Reminding myself to stop the insanity
My STBXH is still living in the house with me only now he's had stopped giving me money for bills which of course leaves me irate and gets me all worked up.. I told him that if his share of the bills were not paid by the 1st that he needed to go sleep on someone else's couch until he found him a place rather then stay here until the divorce was final.. Obviously that didn't go over very well and he accused me of having a boyfriend and wanting him out of here so that I could move someone else in.. that of course highly offended me and I just flew into a rage and we started fighting about his drug use, his denial of his drug use. He threatened to take my dog, called me bipolar.. Oh the list goes on and on and on...
I'm having to take a few moments now and reassess my boundaries.. I have to remember that I'm trying to argue and reason with an addict.. I would get better results from banging my head against the wall..
Maybe I should just release all and any expectations of him paying me any more money, maybe instead of arguing with him I should just cut the cable off since he can't come up with his share of the money for that bill, that almost seems childish but then again so is arguing with an addict..
I will admit, his accusations hurt me but I guess it really doesn't matter what he thinks or what his family might be feeding him.. I know the truth and that's all that matters.. I'm trying to make myself remember that I'm pulling the rug out from underneath his comfort zone that perhaps out of fear he's grasping for straws.. Part of me thinks he's still in denial that I've even filed for divorce even though there is a copy of all the paperwork laying on the dining room table..
Any words of wisdom guys?? Perhaps some tough love
..
I'm having to take a few moments now and reassess my boundaries.. I have to remember that I'm trying to argue and reason with an addict.. I would get better results from banging my head against the wall..
Maybe I should just release all and any expectations of him paying me any more money, maybe instead of arguing with him I should just cut the cable off since he can't come up with his share of the money for that bill, that almost seems childish but then again so is arguing with an addict..
I will admit, his accusations hurt me but I guess it really doesn't matter what he thinks or what his family might be feeding him.. I know the truth and that's all that matters.. I'm trying to make myself remember that I'm pulling the rug out from underneath his comfort zone that perhaps out of fear he's grasping for straws.. Part of me thinks he's still in denial that I've even filed for divorce even though there is a copy of all the paperwork laying on the dining room table..
Any words of wisdom guys?? Perhaps some tough love
..
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Take a deep breath, hold it and exhale!
Fighting with an active addict is crazy making, trust me I know.
I am still trying to unlearn or relearn healthy communication because I developed such bad habits while he was using. At one time, I had no idea he was an addict but I knew he was taking pain pills and lost so much respect for him, as I got sicker and sicker in my own addiction. Sometimes, I am so shocked by what comes out of my/our mouths still today when we argue. The bad habits are easy to start but hard to break. And to be honest, I am probably more guilty of it then he is. For me, although I am working on the hurt and anger. it continues to rear it's ugly head. It's all a process and will take time, so be gentle and loving to yourself.
You are taking the needed steps to have a healthy future. He is going to say and do anything to protect his addiction. His "words" do not define who you are, only YOU can define who you are. It helped me to make a gratitude list and also write down the positives qualities I liked about myself. That was a struggle because I had really become someone I didnt know or like anymore. I also wrote down the things I wanted to change about me...that list is ongoing and is so much easier to do.
Fighting with an active addict is crazy making, trust me I know.
I am still trying to unlearn or relearn healthy communication because I developed such bad habits while he was using. At one time, I had no idea he was an addict but I knew he was taking pain pills and lost so much respect for him, as I got sicker and sicker in my own addiction. Sometimes, I am so shocked by what comes out of my/our mouths still today when we argue. The bad habits are easy to start but hard to break. And to be honest, I am probably more guilty of it then he is. For me, although I am working on the hurt and anger. it continues to rear it's ugly head. It's all a process and will take time, so be gentle and loving to yourself.You are taking the needed steps to have a healthy future. He is going to say and do anything to protect his addiction. His "words" do not define who you are, only YOU can define who you are. It helped me to make a gratitude list and also write down the positives qualities I liked about myself. That was a struggle because I had really become someone I didnt know or like anymore. I also wrote down the things I wanted to change about me...that list is ongoing and is so much easier to do.
Restoring myself to sanity
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
Originally Posted by LoveMeNot 
Take a deep breath, hold it and exhale!
Fighting with an active addict is crazy making, trust me I know. I am still trying to unlearn or relearn healthy communication because I developed such bad habits while he was using. At one time, I had no idea he was an addict but I knew he was taking pain pills and lost so much respect for him, as I got sicker and sicker in my own addiction. Sometimes, I am so shocked by what comes out of my/our mouths still today when we argue. The bad habits are easy to start but hard to break. And to be honest, I am probably more guilty of it then he is. For me, although I am working on the hurt and anger. it continues to rear it's ugly head. It's all a process and will take time, so be gentle and loving to yourself.
You are taking the needed steps to have a healthy future. He is going to say and do anything to protect his addiction. His "words" do not define who you are, only YOU can define who you are. It helped me to make a gratitude list and also write down the positives qualities I liked about myself. That was a struggle because I had really become someone I didnt know or like anymore. I also wrote down the things I wanted to change about me...that list is ongoing and is so much easier to do.
Fighting with an active addict is crazy making, trust me I know.
I am still trying to unlearn or relearn healthy communication because I developed such bad habits while he was using. At one time, I had no idea he was an addict but I knew he was taking pain pills and lost so much respect for him, as I got sicker and sicker in my own addiction. Sometimes, I am so shocked by what comes out of my/our mouths still today when we argue. The bad habits are easy to start but hard to break. And to be honest, I am probably more guilty of it then he is. For me, although I am working on the hurt and anger. it continues to rear it's ugly head. It's all a process and will take time, so be gentle and loving to yourself.You are taking the needed steps to have a healthy future. He is going to say and do anything to protect his addiction. His "words" do not define who you are, only YOU can define who you are. It helped me to make a gratitude list and also write down the positives qualities I liked about myself. That was a struggle because I had really become someone I didnt know or like anymore. I also wrote down the things I wanted to change about me...that list is ongoing and is so much easier to do.
I used to have a gratitude list a long time ago, thanks for the reminder that I need to start making a new one
I want to apologize if I sounded a little harsh in a post last night, it wasn't meant that way at all...
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by jerect
Thank You LoveMeNot!!!
I used to have a gratitude list a long time ago, thanks for the reminder that I need to start making a new one
I want to apologize if I sounded a little harsh in a post last night, it wasn't meant that way at all...
I used to have a gratitude list a long time ago, thanks for the reminder that I need to start making a new one
I want to apologize if I sounded a little harsh in a post last night, it wasn't meant that way at all...
One of the best things I have learned at alanon was "It's none of my business what you think of me." It has been life changing. Maybe keeping that in mind with your bf and his family will help get you through this difficult time. It really helped me eliminate a lot of people pleasing, seeking others approval and with guilt. (I jokingly call it my "think like a man" wisdom, lol No offense to any of the men here!! Hiya Vale)
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((jerect)) - So sorry he's being a jerk. I agree with ((LMN)) on all counts. YOU are doing what you need to do for you, HE doesn't like it because his addiction is being threatened. He wants to just do what he does, for you to just let him, and will throw out anything he can to rile you up.
FWIW, I think most A's bring up the "someone else" when they are forced to face the consequences. It's another form of denial - "there HAS to be someone else, because why else would he/she not want me - I'm not doing anything wrong"...waaahhhhhh. He can't accept HIS part in the demise of your marriage, so surely, it must be YOUR fault...deflect the blame, protect the addiction. As far as the dog? He's just lashing out where it hurts.
Keep working on you, sweetie. TBH, if I were in your position, I would cut the cable and anything else that makes him all comfy. You're not running a hotel, and if you were, he'd already be out the door for lack of paying you.
Just remember, you don't have to wait until the 1st to have him leave. You have every right to say "that's it, you've gotta go" at any time. You don't owe him anything and HE is the one who is throwing a 2-year-old temper tantrum. Unfortunately, he isn't 2 years old and you can't put him in "time out" but you can put him in "get out"
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
FWIW, I think most A's bring up the "someone else" when they are forced to face the consequences. It's another form of denial - "there HAS to be someone else, because why else would he/she not want me - I'm not doing anything wrong"...waaahhhhhh. He can't accept HIS part in the demise of your marriage, so surely, it must be YOUR fault...deflect the blame, protect the addiction. As far as the dog? He's just lashing out where it hurts.
Keep working on you, sweetie. TBH, if I were in your position, I would cut the cable and anything else that makes him all comfy. You're not running a hotel, and if you were, he'd already be out the door for lack of paying you.
Just remember, you don't have to wait until the 1st to have him leave. You have every right to say "that's it, you've gotta go" at any time. You don't owe him anything and HE is the one who is throwing a 2-year-old temper tantrum. Unfortunately, he isn't 2 years old and you can't put him in "time out" but you can put him in "get out"
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
Originally Posted by redatlanta
Lower your expectations to zero. Will save a lot of arguing and disappointment.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
True Story!! My friend was married for over 20 years to a mn who became a drug addict for the last 10. He was clean on and off during those 10 years. Rehab after rehab but he was mostly active!! A few years ago, after he relapsed again, he pleaded with her not to divorce him. He didn't want "drugs" to be the cause of their divorce. Talk about protecting his addiction.
She finally got healthy and moved out, leaving him in their house, which had no mortgage on it. "She had to have someone else." Six months later, she filed for divorce and he was "blindsided." She was the evil, conniving b!tch that he always knew she was and that is why he smoked crack. Her fault.
She is so happy now and did finally meet someone who loves and adores her and has no addiction issues. Sadly, her ex is still in active addiction. He is 6'2, around 100lbs with no cable, the electricity is on and off, still denies he has a problem and many family members say they believe him and are still furious with her for leaving him.
P.S. The best one was - right before she moved out and was all packed - he threatened to shut her cell phone off, that she needed for her business, if she did not meet him at their pastors for an appointment. So she went. In a very straight face, he told her he was willing to give her a SECOND chance. She said even their Pastor's mouth dropped to the floor. It has become a "our joke." Today, she has very little contact with him but when he does something really stupid, I always say "well ya know, he was willing to give you a second chance" and we always laugh at the insanity of that comment.
She really does have compassion for him, hates to see what he has done to himself and his life but needed to save herself, get healthy and find happiness again. Although, she still sleeps with her money under her pillow. Some old habits are still hard to break.
She finally got healthy and moved out, leaving him in their house, which had no mortgage on it. "She had to have someone else." Six months later, she filed for divorce and he was "blindsided." She was the evil, conniving b!tch that he always knew she was and that is why he smoked crack. Her fault.
She is so happy now and did finally meet someone who loves and adores her and has no addiction issues. Sadly, her ex is still in active addiction. He is 6'2, around 100lbs with no cable, the electricity is on and off, still denies he has a problem and many family members say they believe him and are still furious with her for leaving him.
P.S. The best one was - right before she moved out and was all packed - he threatened to shut her cell phone off, that she needed for her business, if she did not meet him at their pastors for an appointment. So she went. In a very straight face, he told her he was willing to give her a SECOND chance. She said even their Pastor's mouth dropped to the floor. It has become a "our joke." Today, she has very little contact with him but when he does something really stupid, I always say "well ya know, he was willing to give you a second chance" and we always laugh at the insanity of that comment.
She really does have compassion for him, hates to see what he has done to himself and his life but needed to save herself, get healthy and find happiness again. Although, she still sleeps with her money under her pillow. Some old habits are still hard to break.
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