lolitalola

I really need help. I'm not sure if I'm overreacting or too controlling as he says.

He doesn't fit the pattern of an alcoholic.

We met 20 years ago now and he was a heavy drinker - got married, three children. Over the years I've tried to curtail the drinking - usually it's me that suggests that we go alcohol free and he can go for weeks just having a couple once or twice a week.

When he does drink past about 6 beers - even mid strength he changes - gets really nasty the way that he speaks to me, hyper critical of the children and I find myself on edge and jumpy and watching exactly how much he drinks. It's exaccerbated in the past and I've had to ring my mum to help.

I am scared to go on any vacation with him as he will always drink every day and it's usually over the 6 beers mark.

I was relieved when he couldn't go to a wedding last year as the last 2 weddings we've been to he's binged and gotten nasty as a result.

The only times that he socialises is with my brother (functioning alcoholic) or with other friends that drink. This is rare because I have to control the binges.

His father was a chronic alcoholic before his stroke, his uncles etc.

I've caught him lying over alcohol before and sneaking it to drink but he says that's because I keep such a strict eye on him and he has no choice.

He's been on vacation for 10 days and each day was over 6 beers a night. 4 out of the 10 nights were good, 6 I could see the signs and avoided him and asked him the next day to curtail it. I am accused of being controlling and not acting normal, everyone drinks etc etc.

I was relieved when we got back and asked if we could go alcohol free as we get on so well - he asked if he could drink for the remaining week but no more than 4 a night and 3 days with no drink, only low alcohol so I agreed.

Took the kids to the library but was shut so i drove home and his car was gone - i felt sick but drove to the bottle shop but couldnt see him. When I got back I ran in and caught him - he was drinking a strong full strength tall beer and smoking. He didn't really show remorse, just that he was forced to drink because I was so controlling. I could tell he was starting to get nasty so suggested he went to my brothers to drink. He bought a carton of beer I see so that's nearly $100 in beer in 2 days.

I need help. I don't know how to act when he gets home...what is the use. He will just blame me or act like he's fine. And he doesn't drink every day and goes for long periods without drinking so maybe it's me. Please help! And sorry for the epic.

Kimmieh

I made those deals with my ABF and they never worked. I only set myself up for disappointment. I also had to realize that trying to control their drinking does in fact make us controlling, so they have a point there.

As to how to act, it always worked best for me to remove myself as much as possible and not engage past the minimum. I just kind of waited for him to fall asleep. Then we had the talk the next day, made another deal, rinse and repeat.

Could you take a weekend off and get some breathing room? Take the kids and stay with friends and family? I find that removing myself from the craziness shows me how crazy things really are which helps with the decision whether you can live with this or not a bit easier.

The hope that he will get better has been keeping me hooked for six years. It's really hard to accept that what you see is what you get...hugs!!

LifeRecovery

My definition of "problem drinking" has changed as I have gotten healthier.

I thought for a long time that it was end stage drinking, homeless etc meant drinking was a problem.

Learning about "problem drinking" and binge drinking in particular helped me a whole bunch. Though everytime he drank did not automatically turn into a problem, everytime he drank it could have....and I walked on eggshells constantly as a result.

I have had a lot of help from Al-anon here etc. I read a lot of books from the library on addiction that helped immensely too.

Keep posting, keep asking. i am glad you are here though sorry for what got you here.

cr995

Hi and a warm welcome to you. To me, and it's my opinion only he sounds like an alcoholic. I lived with one for nearly 30 years and only really realized that drinking was a compulsion not a choice 1 year ago. I would encourage you to attend an Al-anon meeting if you can or even look at any literature you can on Al-anon. Alcoholism is a disease of denial and it affects the whole family. I think you're in the right place, keep posting and keep coming back. You are not alone - we have all been there.

Kassie2

First... I am glad that you are here.

It sounds like there is a problem - trust your instincts.

My definition of A is that their are problems when a person drinks. Patterns differ sometimes - if you feel that there is a problem... treat it as a problem... be supportive in letting him know how you feel, suggest getting a second opinion together (marriage counseling) and educate yourself.

You cannot change him, you cannot control him, but you can speak your peace and take control of your own life.

Think carefully, educate and get support.

I knew a lot about A and thought I could handle it... no way.... and I am capable and strong person... it was something I could not handle in the long run and had to let go. It came slowly but surely.

Some work it work out but it has a lot to do with what your other person wants to do. You have to evaluate and learn your own limits.

Hopefully you will grow and understand what you can control and what you cannot control. Therein lies your strength.

Seek to find your strength. It changed me and I am happy with the person I am today.

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

I am glad you are here, but sorry for the reason you came. You have found a wonderful resource of support and information.

Some of our stories are posted at the top of this forum's main page. There are about 14 links at the top, referred to as sticky posts, and marked with a padlock symbol on the left side. I always find wisdom in those posts.

I found the most help while living with active alcoholism from reading The 10 Ways to Help a Loved One. It is a sticky post, under the 13th link "About Recovery" and then look for the 15th blue link to that article (sorry, I usually post a direct link from my computer - but I am away from computer)

Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as often as needed.

Sueski

I don't think you are overreacting. I know exactly what you mean about going over the six-beer point. If you feel that it's a problem, then it's a problem. Which brings me to the next thing - you can't fix his problem.

I tend to do what Kimmieh does - stay low and wait 'til my AH falls asleep. If it's only a 2-3 beer day, it's fine. More than that, or get into the liquor, and it can go either way.

This is a great place for you to find understanding and support. Definitely check out the stickies. Read as much as you can on the subject. I think you might find the book, 'The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life' to be useful in helping you figure out ways to handle that nastiness. I learned some useful stuff from that one, actually before my husband relapsed! Keep coming here, maybe consider an Alanon meeting.

I'm sorry for what brought you here to SR, but glad you found it!

soberwife2012

i agree with all above posts. trust your instincts and get educated on the disease of alcoholism. the disease is progressive and will get worse if left untreated. the one key to treatment is the alcoholic has to want treatment. you can not heal or make him well. you can love the alcoholic to death(literally) but you can not love the alcoholic well. i was in your shoes a 18 months ago and i will be spending my second christmas be myself. but i would rather be alone than walking on eggshells the best thing i have found was alanon it has saved my life

BlueSkies1

It doesn't matter if he qualifies for being an alcoholic, an alcohol abuser, or a heavy alcohol user.
So don't fret about that.

What does matter is the way you feel !

You feel detached from him emotionally, I can read it in your post. You feel sick that he is hiding use. You feel like giving up sometimes. You feel there is a problem, and you feel he turns that problem back around onto you.

So does it matter whether he officially qualifies? What does matter is that this situation is hurting you emotionally, making you feel badly about yourself, and making you worry and walk on eggshells trying to avoid him.

Those things make YOU QUALIFY to be here...and al anon should you choose, and in a psychologist's office or marriage counselor's office...any and all that you can afford/stand to go to....
this forum is not to try to get him to understand that you feel he drinks too much...but to get help FOR YOU so that YOU don't feel badly each day.

I too welcome you...I know the sick feeling in your gut...I've been there too. It's tough loving someone who puts alcohol use before honesty and openness in their marriage, and THAT is a problem, whether he had a beer today, or last week, or last month.

lolitalola

Thank you so much. Madeofglass, yes. Yes that is exactly how I feel. He came home today stinking to high heaven after his binge. Tried to hug me and asked if I wanted to talk. For once I've told him I have nothing to say.

I am going to try and get to al anon on sat. I've asked him not to touch me. I've asked him to not drink for the remainder of his holidays but of course he said that wouldn't happen. So I will stop controlling what he drinks as this isnt working and will see what happens.

He took his first beer at midday and so far he's up to number three. Living like this sucks the big one. I am just trying to distance myself- soooo hard with the kids and baby here as well.

Thank you do much for the support and advice... I felt so alone.

lolitalola

Past 6 And nasty again. Saying he has had enough of me controlling and will make my life hell. To not speak to him again unless it's through a solicitor- he is not moving out of the house and can do as he pleases.

What a prince.

redatlanta

Hi Lolita - Welcome here and sorry for what you are are going through. I hope you make it to Al Anon soon it will really help you if you let it. try and commit to at least 6 meetings.

I see that you keep count of how much he drinks - I suggest you stop. Looking for liquor, counting etc. becomes and obsession in itself. You are also setting yourself up for disappointment by continually asking him not to drink. Stop. In this thread you have given many examples of where you have asked him not to drink and big surprise, he did anyway. The definition of insanity is repeating the same behavior and expecting a different outcome. There are some absolutes with active alcoholics they will drink. That is the one thing you can be sure of. You can't stop them - also the other thing you can be sure of.

I am sure his comment about speaking to him through a solicitor was just drunken babble but he is right about that being his home - and that he can do as he pleases. Codies try to control. Sounds like you are trying to control the situation and its not working. You can only control yourself not him so work on the things that will make you happier and healthier and stop focusing on him.

I have heard that same psychobabble BS from my AH about not leaving, not moving, making my life miserable blah blah blah. At first it scared me, its intimidating. Keeps us in our place - which is to do nothing and let them rule the roost. Since I started going to al anon and got on here that behavior has changed in him because I have changed. That has been a very positive outcome of going to Al Anon.

Big hugs and know there is a light at the end of this tunnel.

Pelican

I have to agree that counting is not helpful, for us. I became obsessed with watching his intake so i could predict the outcome. Example : tall beer on the way home on an empty stomach meant he was buzzed and affectionate. Three more beers, same. After7 beers, getting sloppy, and after his disease progressed the moods changed and began to include angry rants and outbursts.

I thought I was contolling outcome by monitoring intake. I wasn't.

I learned what i was actually doing was making myself very sick with my behaviors. I was so focused on his addiction that i lost focus in myself and my children. It is common in relationships with addiction - we become addicted to our addict.

The really hard part of my recovery was this:
I had to put down the magnifying glass that ept me focused on him and
I had to pick up a mirror and begin to look at myself. I had to face my outside actions and begin to face my own inside fears, feelings, wants and needs.
That has been a difficult but rewarding part of my recovery journey.

SR has helpef support and encourage me along the way. Alanin too. I also read self improvement books. The one most recommended for us is "Codependent No More"by by Melody Beattie.

I was such a hot mess when I did my first reading of codependent no more, i kept seeing (in my mind) all the people in my life that I needed to give a copy to ! I was still holding the magnifying glass instead of the mirror! Thats okay. The goal of our recovery is progress, not perfection. I reread it on a regular basis now and do the exercises. It helps keep me sane.

onlythetruth

I have found it very helpful to let go of the need to label people--others as well as myself.

I believe it is much better to focus on the behavior itself, and whether or not I can live with it.

If the behavior is such that I can't live with it, then there are two choices: the behavior changes, or I walk away.

Titanic

I think of labels as stepping stones to get to knowing. They help sort through the sensory, intellectual and emotional input in my life.

I can look at a person or myself blindly, without the benefit of what others have experienced and learned before me. Had this person in my life or I carried a label (eg, Gummy Bear Vitamin) though, it would have helped me see the problems we were facing much earlier. I can understand more about the alcoholic/addict or codependent by reading the label that generally applies.

However, each individual is unique. Once I delve deeper and get to know more, it makes more sense why the A, say, is the pink and I am the red Gummy Bear. As I learn more about what effect each has when it's interacting, I use other labels etc etc.

At some point, the labels I used stop serving their purpose as stepping stones. I aspire to and come closer to obtaining a much clearer perception of what is and what we are: a 3D high definition, directional video frame in time. One that can be seen, understood and accepted without labels.

DoubleBarrel

It doesn't matter if he is an alcoholic.

Read what you wrote about his behaviour. Focus on that specifically.

Next, think about how you would feel if it were your mother, sister or daughter describing their S.O.'s actions.

What would you think then?

lillamy

I agree with MadeofGlass. Labels don't matter. What matters is what you want from your life. And I have a feeling you probably had other plans for your life than to babysit someone else's alcohol habits?

Marriage or no marriage, children or no children, adults are responsible for their own decisions and their own lives. Unfortunately, I don't for a second believe that he will move out and never speak to you again other than through a solicitor -- that's just trying to make you feel guilty and evil. Which you're not.

And not that you mentioned it, but kids are smarter than we think and pick up on more than we know. And whether you know it or not, this is not a healthy situation for them. And having one functional parent is better than being in an intact marriage where one parent is an addict, in my experience.

You may be controlling. I know I became controlling. But that doesn't change the fact that his drinking creates problems for you in your life. I think what we do is attempt to control the uncontrollable (their drinking) because their drinking controls our life.

BlueSkies1

Ok, so he wants war at this point. Prince indeed. Prince POS, imho.

You're at a point that you may want to ask him nicely with big puppy eyes whether he thinks his drinking has any bad effects on his life or marriage? If he says no, then let him go stew in his corner with his bottle. And I mean you ask him that completely sincerely, without jest.
That's how you find out if he is in denial. If he's in denial, there is no point in talking to him.
If he admits it at all, even a small amount, then you may want to continue the conversation, but only when he is completely sober.
One thing I learned way too late was that there is zero point in trying to have a serious conversation with an intoxicated person.
Yet that was the only time he wanted to talk seriously with me.
I shut him out. I said, repeatedly, we can have this conversation (whatever it was but it was about real stuff in our marriage) when you are sober. I refuse to talk about serious stuff when you are intoxicated.
He accepted that and shut up.
Problem was, he didn't want to talk about it when he was sober.
Hopefully you will have a better outcome.

lolitalola

Thank you again so much.

Madeofgkass I asked him this question and he said obviously it seems to be that way.

He said he would never have more than 2 drinks again in a row- can you imagine a more unrealistic goal??

I said he needs to get professional help. He has shown absolutely no empathy or regret for the slurs and nasty comments that he's slung at me over the last 2 days- he knows just how to wound- and that hurts most of all. It is ways about him it seems and if I have a problem he slings it right back at me. Talk about disfunction.

I am in such a low place right now. Feel like im at the end of the road. It is so hard just doing my own thing at home and trying to focus on me and the kids.

Titanic

Make your way to Al-Anon and practice focusing on you & the kids (Al-Anon pamphlet "How Can I Help My Children?").

That's how you will find sanity, serenity & support.