New here, help with enabler and co-dependent
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Join Date: Nov 2012
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New here, help with enabler and co-dependent
Hi, I posted this in the family and friends of alcoholics, and they suggested I post this here.
I'm an adult daughter of an alcoholic. My dad is still an active alcoholic and my mom is an enabler. I've been out of their house for about 10 years now, and I'm thankful for my own healthy marriage and family. I began writing a very long post about my situation, but deleted it. Essentially, I'm upset with my parents for not being there for me and my new baby. The weren't here when I was hospitalized while pregnant due to chronic health issues. My dad was drinking and broke his ankle, and my mom stayed there to help him find a better place to stay since the nursing home he was in was depressing to him.
They weren't there the day my daughter was born (a planned c-section due to health issues.) Again an excuse was that my mom had a cold and my dad has a hard time getting around now due to decreased lung function.
They didn't make it to my daughter's baptism. This time my dad was drinking and fell, hitting his head and dislocating his shoulder. I got a text the day before her baptism from my mom, telling me they wouldn't be able to make it since my dad was in the hospital. She asked for pictures of the baptism, but I never sent any, because I was upset.
While in the hospital my dad was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, though I didn't hear about this until a few months later on my birthday when my mom was texting me about my dad. She ended up quitting her job, because she couldn't afford home care for my dad, and he is now unable to take care of himself at all.
They have only seen my daughter two times. Once was a few days after she was born, they stopped by for a couple hours then left, since my dad was complaining of not being able to breath. The second time was 5 months later, and the only reason they saw her was because we had to travel to a wedding for my sister. My dad didn't even know who I was the second day we saw him, his Alzheimer's has progressed that far. They never ask about her.
I sent my mom an email about how I was upset for her missing my daughter's baptism while my dad was in the hospital, but somehow she made it to my sister's second wedding which as three times further away and she brought my dad. I have never really expressed much emotion or feeling to my mom or parents in general because of our family atmosphere, but now that it's affecting or will be affecting my daughter's life, I feel I need to.
I was given a lot of excuses as to why she wasn't there, pretty much all of them due to having to be with my dad. She mentioned how she lost her freedom by quitting her job to take care of my dad now. She has several times in the past vented on how she was thinking of leaving my dad, but she always stays with him and enables him. She constantly made excuses for him as to why he was never available in our lives. And now her excuse for not being involved in my daughter's life is again my dad, this time because of his Alzheimer's.
This is no different than before, it's just the excuse now is Alzheimer's, though she still "lets him drink" in certain situations. I love my parents, but I'm upset with them for not being there for me. I feel bad for only expressing my feelings to my mom, but my dad is not even really mentally there anymore to understand anyways, and I feel that she is now the one making the decisions because of that.
I'm upset with my mom for constantly putting my dad in front of her children despite his alcoholism affecting us. I'm also upset with wondering why she allowed us to grow up in that house with my dad's drinking. Granted, I can't imagine how difficult it would have been to leave my dad and raise three kids on her own, but people have done it.
Now she continues to make excuses for him and uses him as an excuse. She plays into the victim mentality. I don't know how to deal with this at this point. There are layers upon layers of issues that haven't even been touched. What do I even do now? Do I just forget about it and never express my feelings anymore? Is it wrong of me to be so upset with the enabler in this situation?
I'm an adult daughter of an alcoholic. My dad is still an active alcoholic and my mom is an enabler. I've been out of their house for about 10 years now, and I'm thankful for my own healthy marriage and family. I began writing a very long post about my situation, but deleted it. Essentially, I'm upset with my parents for not being there for me and my new baby. The weren't here when I was hospitalized while pregnant due to chronic health issues. My dad was drinking and broke his ankle, and my mom stayed there to help him find a better place to stay since the nursing home he was in was depressing to him.
They weren't there the day my daughter was born (a planned c-section due to health issues.) Again an excuse was that my mom had a cold and my dad has a hard time getting around now due to decreased lung function.
They didn't make it to my daughter's baptism. This time my dad was drinking and fell, hitting his head and dislocating his shoulder. I got a text the day before her baptism from my mom, telling me they wouldn't be able to make it since my dad was in the hospital. She asked for pictures of the baptism, but I never sent any, because I was upset.
While in the hospital my dad was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, though I didn't hear about this until a few months later on my birthday when my mom was texting me about my dad. She ended up quitting her job, because she couldn't afford home care for my dad, and he is now unable to take care of himself at all.
They have only seen my daughter two times. Once was a few days after she was born, they stopped by for a couple hours then left, since my dad was complaining of not being able to breath. The second time was 5 months later, and the only reason they saw her was because we had to travel to a wedding for my sister. My dad didn't even know who I was the second day we saw him, his Alzheimer's has progressed that far. They never ask about her.
I sent my mom an email about how I was upset for her missing my daughter's baptism while my dad was in the hospital, but somehow she made it to my sister's second wedding which as three times further away and she brought my dad. I have never really expressed much emotion or feeling to my mom or parents in general because of our family atmosphere, but now that it's affecting or will be affecting my daughter's life, I feel I need to.
I was given a lot of excuses as to why she wasn't there, pretty much all of them due to having to be with my dad. She mentioned how she lost her freedom by quitting her job to take care of my dad now. She has several times in the past vented on how she was thinking of leaving my dad, but she always stays with him and enables him. She constantly made excuses for him as to why he was never available in our lives. And now her excuse for not being involved in my daughter's life is again my dad, this time because of his Alzheimer's.
This is no different than before, it's just the excuse now is Alzheimer's, though she still "lets him drink" in certain situations. I love my parents, but I'm upset with them for not being there for me. I feel bad for only expressing my feelings to my mom, but my dad is not even really mentally there anymore to understand anyways, and I feel that she is now the one making the decisions because of that.
I'm upset with my mom for constantly putting my dad in front of her children despite his alcoholism affecting us. I'm also upset with wondering why she allowed us to grow up in that house with my dad's drinking. Granted, I can't imagine how difficult it would have been to leave my dad and raise three kids on her own, but people have done it.
Now she continues to make excuses for him and uses him as an excuse. She plays into the victim mentality. I don't know how to deal with this at this point. There are layers upon layers of issues that haven't even been touched. What do I even do now? Do I just forget about it and never express my feelings anymore? Is it wrong of me to be so upset with the enabler in this situation?
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Hi, I am the daughter of an alcoholic, my mother, age 87 and still drinking...non-stop, been going on for 66 years. She is very codependent and must have a man in her life, no matter what, her last husband was a very abusive drunk, two drunks living in the same house, what a disaster that was!
Me, I have been working on my codependency issues for years, I am much, much better, however, I don't think that I will ever be entirely free until she dies, the way it is going, she might outlive me...just my luck!
In the meantime, I have let go, I am no contact with her, the third time in my adult life. When, she crosses my bounderies, I go no contact, for me, my sanity.
IMO your mother is too far gone, her life revolves around your father, nothing will change as long as he is alive. He is her priorty, always has been, it is just who she is, like my mother, she puts a man first.
I would suggest that you go about your life, enjoy your family, don't dwell on what you cannot change, it serves no purpose, all you are doing is upsetting yourself, and disrupting your emotional well-being. It will only affect your child...if you allow it to do so, many chilren are raised without grandparents and they do just fine.
Me, I have been working on my codependency issues for years, I am much, much better, however, I don't think that I will ever be entirely free until she dies, the way it is going, she might outlive me...just my luck!
In the meantime, I have let go, I am no contact with her, the third time in my adult life. When, she crosses my bounderies, I go no contact, for me, my sanity.
IMO your mother is too far gone, her life revolves around your father, nothing will change as long as he is alive. He is her priorty, always has been, it is just who she is, like my mother, she puts a man first.
I would suggest that you go about your life, enjoy your family, don't dwell on what you cannot change, it serves no purpose, all you are doing is upsetting yourself, and disrupting your emotional well-being. It will only affect your child...if you allow it to do so, many chilren are raised without grandparents and they do just fine.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
Originally Posted by dollydo 
IMO your mother is too far gone, her life revolves around your father, nothing will change as long as he is alive. He is her priorty, always has been, it is just who she is, like my mother, she puts a man first.
I would suggest that you go about your life, enjoy your family, don't dwell on what you cannot change, it serves no purpose, all you are doing is upsetting yourself, and disrupting your emotional well-being. It will only affect your child...if you allow it to do so, many chilren are raised without grandparents and they do just fine.
I would suggest that you go about your life, enjoy your family, don't dwell on what you cannot change, it serves no purpose, all you are doing is upsetting yourself, and disrupting your emotional well-being. It will only affect your child...if you allow it to do so, many chilren are raised without grandparents and they do just fine.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 462
Hope, it sounds like you have had a pretty tough time of bring up your daughter on your own, and dealing with your own medical issues, and yeah it would have been nice to have your families support during this time. can i ask though, when was the last time you have had their support and why is now any different?
you talk about your mum playing the victim, but maybe she taught you to play one as well. if you want happiness in your life then maybe letting go of the negativity in your life and move forward or you will be drawn to people like this as future partners (like attracts like). the hardest part is accepting your parents for who they are and letting go of all the things you wish they had done for you and yet were incapable or chose not too. most people dont being kids into the world with the intent of treating them badly. they bring them up using the tools they have been given. you might want to ask yourself what type of childhood your parents had to learn such poor parenting skills. you can break this cycle for your daughter and give her the best opportunity to have a happy and healthy life. why would you want such negativity in grandparents in her life anyway.
as for why doesnt your mum doesnt leave your dad...because maybe thats not what people did in her day. happy or not, the woman stayed. that was her lot as they use to say. you dont have to have anything to do with your parents or even love them, but maybe some counselling would be beneficial to help you deal with the pain you have endured and survived during your childhood. no point letting 2 people ruin your childhood and your adulthood. time to let go and be your own person.
i wish you the best.
you talk about your mum playing the victim, but maybe she taught you to play one as well. if you want happiness in your life then maybe letting go of the negativity in your life and move forward or you will be drawn to people like this as future partners (like attracts like). the hardest part is accepting your parents for who they are and letting go of all the things you wish they had done for you and yet were incapable or chose not too. most people dont being kids into the world with the intent of treating them badly. they bring them up using the tools they have been given. you might want to ask yourself what type of childhood your parents had to learn such poor parenting skills. you can break this cycle for your daughter and give her the best opportunity to have a happy and healthy life. why would you want such negativity in grandparents in her life anyway.
as for why doesnt your mum doesnt leave your dad...because maybe thats not what people did in her day. happy or not, the woman stayed. that was her lot as they use to say. you dont have to have anything to do with your parents or even love them, but maybe some counselling would be beneficial to help you deal with the pain you have endured and survived during your childhood. no point letting 2 people ruin your childhood and your adulthood. time to let go and be your own person.
i wish you the best.
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Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 101
Hi, I can relate to your post, except for me, my mother put her brothers and sisters before her children. My brother gets more involvement from her, but it would be a real stretch to say he gets better treatment. My family has broken him down so far, that I don't think he could function outside of the family.
I could go on and tell you how my mother chose her brothers and sisters over me, but it really wouldn't make a difference. I knew after my first child that I had to just let her go. I didn't have the energy to be a mother to my children, and a wife to my husband and chase behind her wondering what her problem was with me. All I know is something is wrong there, but it has nothing to do with me. The sooner I accepted that, the easier things became.
After doing that, I felt like a huge weight was lifted off my back. I wish I would have done it sooner.
I could go on and tell you how my mother chose her brothers and sisters over me, but it really wouldn't make a difference. I knew after my first child that I had to just let her go. I didn't have the energy to be a mother to my children, and a wife to my husband and chase behind her wondering what her problem was with me. All I know is something is wrong there, but it has nothing to do with me. The sooner I accepted that, the easier things became.
After doing that, I felt like a huge weight was lifted off my back. I wish I would have done it sooner.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 179
Welcome, and sorry you are here.
I think it's only natural to be upset with the co-dependant parent. It would be nice for our children to have loving grandparents to hug and spoild them. But, that's not going to happen. At least not from our bio-parents. So, we need to find ways to do that for ourselves and for them. I'm lucky enough that both my wife and I have large extended families. So, although my children don't spend much time with my biological parents, they get plent of 'grandparent experiences'.
I think it's only natural to be upset with the co-dependant parent. It would be nice for our children to have loving grandparents to hug and spoild them. But, that's not going to happen. At least not from our bio-parents. So, we need to find ways to do that for ourselves and for them. I'm lucky enough that both my wife and I have large extended families. So, although my children don't spend much time with my biological parents, they get plent of 'grandparent experiences'.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 63
Welcome HopeforHealing,
Do not forget it - but consider whether or not you think you can control it.
I don't think it's wrong to be upset - but what gets done with the anger?
Have you considered Alanon and/or ACA?
I usually recommend Alanon for people with active alcoholics in their life. They have meetings with Adult Children focus.
If you identify with the laundry list you might consider ACA.
@adultchildren.org/lit/Laundry_List.php
My mother left my father - but I'm not sure things got better for us kids. Alcoholism and growing up with two self absorbed parents left me with lots of co-dependency issues and what is starting to look like chronic depression.
Best wishes.
Vicki
Originally Posted by HopeforHealing
Hi, I posted this in the family and friends of alcoholics, and they suggested I post this here.
I'm an adult daughter of an alcoholic.
Do I just forget about it and never express my feelings anymore? Is it wrong of me to be so upset with the enabler in this situation?
I'm an adult daughter of an alcoholic.
Do I just forget about it and never express my feelings anymore? Is it wrong of me to be so upset with the enabler in this situation?
I don't think it's wrong to be upset - but what gets done with the anger?
Have you considered Alanon and/or ACA?
I usually recommend Alanon for people with active alcoholics in their life. They have meetings with Adult Children focus.
If you identify with the laundry list you might consider ACA.
@adultchildren.org/lit/Laundry_List.php
My mother left my father - but I'm not sure things got better for us kids. Alcoholism and growing up with two self absorbed parents left me with lots of co-dependency issues and what is starting to look like chronic depression.
Best wishes.
Vicki
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 4
Thanks, everyone, for your insights. It's nice to be able to get a perspective from people outside of the situation.
Two things jumped out at me, one was that I didn't realize I am playing the victim as well. Wow, it didn't even occur to me. I just felt like I had been wronged, and I didn't think anything else of it.
Also, Vicki, I'm sorry that things didn't get better for you once your mom left your dad, but I am glad you mentioned it. Perhaps it may not have been any better if my mom left my dad.
I do love my parents, despite the issues we have dealt with. And my mom has actually been supportive of me throughout my life, but it has been more of an issue now with my dad being so dependent on her. My mom really is a selfless person for the most part, but sometimes I think that is to her detriment, perhaps that is the co-dependency. I just have a hard time because she'll vent to me about my dad and wanting to leave him but then stay with him and now it's really affecting her being there for me. I guess I need to take it for what it is.
I don't expect my dad to be here, because he wasn't there for me through my life, so it's more of a shock to me now that it's affecting my mom's ability to be there for me. I do need to accept it for what it is.
I do feel blessed with my home life now with my husband and daughter, and I am very happy here, I think it's just that I hadn't had to really think about my parents and my dad's alcoholism that much until just recently with everything that has been going on. It has brought up a lot of unresolved feelings that I haven't really dealt with from growing up in that house. I think that hard part is that I do love my parents, but I still have some anger/resentment for having grown up in that environment and having it still affect me today. And I feel that when my dad dies, it will bring back a lot of those feelings.
I used to think that when my dad died, it would make things so much less stressful, but now I think it won't change that much at all, because there are all those years of dysfunction that has affected all of us that we'll need to deal with.
Thanks for listening. I think I need to do some more thinking and start to realize what is beyond my control and let it go. I do think my parents were trying to do the best for us, by my dad's childhood was so incredibly messed up that he wasn't really able to break the cycle.
Two things jumped out at me, one was that I didn't realize I am playing the victim as well. Wow, it didn't even occur to me. I just felt like I had been wronged, and I didn't think anything else of it.
Also, Vicki, I'm sorry that things didn't get better for you once your mom left your dad, but I am glad you mentioned it. Perhaps it may not have been any better if my mom left my dad.
I do love my parents, despite the issues we have dealt with. And my mom has actually been supportive of me throughout my life, but it has been more of an issue now with my dad being so dependent on her. My mom really is a selfless person for the most part, but sometimes I think that is to her detriment, perhaps that is the co-dependency. I just have a hard time because she'll vent to me about my dad and wanting to leave him but then stay with him and now it's really affecting her being there for me. I guess I need to take it for what it is.
I don't expect my dad to be here, because he wasn't there for me through my life, so it's more of a shock to me now that it's affecting my mom's ability to be there for me. I do need to accept it for what it is.
I do feel blessed with my home life now with my husband and daughter, and I am very happy here, I think it's just that I hadn't had to really think about my parents and my dad's alcoholism that much until just recently with everything that has been going on. It has brought up a lot of unresolved feelings that I haven't really dealt with from growing up in that house. I think that hard part is that I do love my parents, but I still have some anger/resentment for having grown up in that environment and having it still affect me today. And I feel that when my dad dies, it will bring back a lot of those feelings.
I used to think that when my dad died, it would make things so much less stressful, but now I think it won't change that much at all, because there are all those years of dysfunction that has affected all of us that we'll need to deal with.
Thanks for listening. I think I need to do some more thinking and start to realize what is beyond my control and let it go. I do think my parents were trying to do the best for us, by my dad's childhood was so incredibly messed up that he wasn't really able to break the cycle.
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