i have come to terms with it
box of chocolates
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
i have come to terms with it
i came home expecting he came to terms with his addiction
but what i learned was that i needed to.
at first it was awesome and then he went back to work and at night when he got home i notuced this buzz about him. i brushed it off because i though i was just paraniod and didnt want to over react.
then tonight he drives home from work stops and gets pizza which takes too long and parania set in. he comes home with pizza and theres a buzz about him again. now the light goes on in my head. i rock my daughter to sleep and he says he taking a shower. ok
so i keep trying to get my daughter to sleep which takes awhile since shes in her terrible twos and when i come out i expect him to be out of the shower. i was wrong. i lay down for awhile and wait for him to get out and when he finally does hes drunk.. cant hide it. he flops on the bed and starts rambling acting well the way he does drunk.crazy.
i go to the restroom and yup a bottle and a glass left out. ah passes out and i recalled hearing his phone going off when he was in the shower so i look in his phone.
what i find is disgusting disturbing and disrespectful.
him texting his male coworker. no its not anything between the two of them persay but
it was his coworker talking about some girl he is hooking up woth at the bar and sent a picture of her to my ah llabeled a** baby. . gross.
my ah asks if she has a sister. says the things he would do to her and wheres his p*** at? and invited his coworker to the bar tommorrow after work
yea im finished with this crap. im just ready to be happy and respected and have a man who realizes his wrongs and makes them right not a boy who cant.
im heartbroken but in time it will mend. thanks for reading.
i hace come to terms guys
but what i learned was that i needed to.
at first it was awesome and then he went back to work and at night when he got home i notuced this buzz about him. i brushed it off because i though i was just paraniod and didnt want to over react.
then tonight he drives home from work stops and gets pizza which takes too long and parania set in. he comes home with pizza and theres a buzz about him again. now the light goes on in my head. i rock my daughter to sleep and he says he taking a shower. ok
so i keep trying to get my daughter to sleep which takes awhile since shes in her terrible twos and when i come out i expect him to be out of the shower. i was wrong. i lay down for awhile and wait for him to get out and when he finally does hes drunk.. cant hide it. he flops on the bed and starts rambling acting well the way he does drunk.crazy.
i go to the restroom and yup a bottle and a glass left out. ah passes out and i recalled hearing his phone going off when he was in the shower so i look in his phone.
what i find is disgusting disturbing and disrespectful.
him texting his male coworker. no its not anything between the two of them persay but
it was his coworker talking about some girl he is hooking up woth at the bar and sent a picture of her to my ah llabeled a** baby. . gross.
my ah asks if she has a sister. says the things he would do to her and wheres his p*** at? and invited his coworker to the bar tommorrow after work
yea im finished with this crap. im just ready to be happy and respected and have a man who realizes his wrongs and makes them right not a boy who cant.
im heartbroken but in time it will mend. thanks for reading.
i hace come to terms guys
box of chocolates
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
ps the conversation between them was longer. it was things like hook me up etc...like hes single and i dont exist. and guys i forwarded the texts to my phone. so ha! to him and am leaving.
box of chocolates
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
thanks rosie. so here i am packing my things once again crying and hurt and wondering where i went wrong? i know its no way to think but boy does moments like this hit you in your self esteem
i think im pretty great...i mean im not perfect but i have always been faithful kind respectful and loving and he well when he drinks hes a selfish manipulating and ugly person. im just sad that he couldnt see the him sober vs him drunk and i believe now in light of this that he may have never quit and has just tried to manage it so i would come home/stay but i knew which he should have known you cant manage sonething like this and the truth would come out.
it must be so nice to be him to drink yourself into adolescence and sleep like a baby while i cry and then when i leave to drink me out of his mind.
i think im pretty great...i mean im not perfect but i have always been faithful kind respectful and loving and he well when he drinks hes a selfish manipulating and ugly person. im just sad that he couldnt see the him sober vs him drunk and i believe now in light of this that he may have never quit and has just tried to manage it so i would come home/stay but i knew which he should have known you cant manage sonething like this and the truth would come out.
it must be so nice to be him to drink yourself into adolescence and sleep like a baby while i cry and then when i leave to drink me out of his mind.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
You are a great lovely caring person & don't forget that.
He does not deserve such a great person like you.
I'm so sorry it's come to this & that you are hurting so bad.
Grieve for him but move forward for you & your daughter.
I know it feels so mean when you realise that you really don't matter to them.
They are incapable of love honey & you deserve a wonderful partner.
I don't know what else to say except I'm thinking of you & sending huge hugs.
Keep posting.
He does not deserve such a great person like you.
I'm so sorry it's come to this & that you are hurting so bad.
Grieve for him but move forward for you & your daughter.
I know it feels so mean when you realise that you really don't matter to them.
They are incapable of love honey & you deserve a wonderful partner.
I don't know what else to say except I'm thinking of you & sending huge hugs.
Keep posting.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
You recently returned I think? I am glad you found out quickly less time wasted.
I am sure people have told you "its not you" - and its not. You could insert any person as you, any woman, and they would be in the same situation. He will be a drunk with the next one, cheating on the next one, lying to the next one and so on and so on.
Why do we question ourselves and let it bother our self esteem when as you pointed out you are a good partner to him - but he isn't to you he is a horrible partner.
I am sorry this is so painful I know you are disappointed. Many hugs sweetie and I hope it gets better soon.
I am sure people have told you "its not you" - and its not. You could insert any person as you, any woman, and they would be in the same situation. He will be a drunk with the next one, cheating on the next one, lying to the next one and so on and so on.
Why do we question ourselves and let it bother our self esteem when as you pointed out you are a good partner to him - but he isn't to you he is a horrible partner.
I am sorry this is so painful I know you are disappointed. Many hugs sweetie and I hope it gets better soon.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello thislonelygirl,
I'm sorry for your pain. I'm more sorry that you feel as though YOU have done something wrong--when you haven't. I know that feeling, though.
When my first husband had an affair and divorced me, I'm the one who felt as though the responsibility was all mine. I could have done something different, something better. That was just my really low self-esteem talking.
You do deserve to be in a relationship with a man--not a boy who texts his friends using disgusting, Junior High School language to talk about any woman.
I'm sorry you are in so much pain, but I promise it gets a bit easier every day. Come here and vent and let it out anytime you need.
I'm sorry for your pain. I'm more sorry that you feel as though YOU have done something wrong--when you haven't. I know that feeling, though.
When my first husband had an affair and divorced me, I'm the one who felt as though the responsibility was all mine. I could have done something different, something better. That was just my really low self-esteem talking.
You do deserve to be in a relationship with a man--not a boy who texts his friends using disgusting, Junior High School language to talk about any woman.
I'm sorry you are in so much pain, but I promise it gets a bit easier every day. Come here and vent and let it out anytime you need.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 311
I have walked many miles in your shoes and what I have only really recently come to believe, in the words of Eleanor Roosevelt, "no one else can make you feel inferior without your consent."
I hear the finality in your words and I know exactly where you stand. It sounds like you have made a decision to be done. Have you made any action toward ending the relationship yet? This is the hard part because he will do one of two things and probably both. One- he will get angry and blame and ignore you- defensive tactic. Two- he will be all apologetic and say he is a jerk and try to make it up to you- manipulative tactic. Fall for any of it and get hooked all over again.
What he did sucks. I too have been tormented by all of the things that my ex did and said. In time that will heal. I realized though that staying with him constantly triggered those old memories and that I could not forgive him whilst being with him because I knew that his addiction would ultimately lead to more of the same and more hurt. I have a mental record of insults that as long as he was around played over and over in my head.
Now after a lot of time it does not bother me anymore because it is him that has to live with the repercussions of his actions. I don't as long as I am not with him. I do have to live with how far I let it go because equally I have been trying to find my way without him after giving him too many second chances.
As far as our emotions and how they control us is determined by our conditioned and learned response to life along with labels. At first, I labeled drugs as bad and sobriety as good. I also labeled all of my ex's actions that went along with his addictive personality as bad- lying, cheating, using, manipulating, abusing. But it was the good that kept me coming back hook, line, and sinker. His good qualities despite all the bad could still be considered good. But by contrast the good seems disproportionately good compared to the bad. Then I labeled him bad and me good. Then I saw him as less than me and not worthy of me. All of these things contributed to more separation. And I did not feel any better.
For example, one day my ex comes home in a bad mood and wanting to get high. We get in a fight and he tells me he hates me and knows those are the exact words to hurt me. Then the next day he buys me flowers and makes me breakfast. His actions seemed so "bad" that the apologetic gestures made him in my eyes the most amazing boyfriend in the world. When we use good and bad to judge or reference things we fall victim to our own jaded perspective. Our perspective is changing throughout recovery as the fog lifts from our weary minds. We wake up to the light out of the dark. We see heaven when we have been living in hell. Again, these are opposites that must co-exist together to exist at all.
So if we remove labels and really just realize that we have come to a point in our lives where tolerating abusive behavior is unacceptable- both self-abuse and abuse from others. We have new non-negotiable standards for people we let in our lives. Those standards can only be built on building and rebuilding our self-esteem with respect, acceptance, forgiveness, tolerance, and love.
I used to think of the world in terms of like or dislike, good or bad, love or hate. We all have a tendency to think about life in opposites. What he did you may not like, we may tell you it is bad. You may even feel hate from all of his hurtful actions. But where there is dislike you once liked him. Where there is bad, there must have been some good. Where there was hate, there must have been love before.
We may have preferences and we may have aversions. And we become attached easily to specific outcomes and then label them. Instead- if we came to a point where we understand that labeling it one way or another does not help or make us feel better then we might be able to make peace with our circumstances.
For you, it sounds like that being with an active addict is no longer an option for you because of all of the behaviors and consequences that come along with it. It also sounds like having a partner who is disrespectful, selfish, unstable, unfaithful, volatile, and emotionally unavailable is also not an option for you any longer. Those are not good or bad things- they just are what they are and that is not what you are choosing for you.
The only reason I feel the urge to share this concept with you is because this is what I needed to hear to deal with my anger and let go of him, to let go of hate, to let go of fear without battling so much resistance that would inevitably make me rebound back to him. You might already be there way past the point of acceptance and maybe this will help nudge it along.
Funny, it was not until actually things seemed to be going well that I finally decided to let go of him. Why- because I decided better to let it go before it all went to hell again. I already knew that ultimately it would happen again and again so what was the point to continue for one more day.
Hope you find peace, freedom, and transformation.
I hear the finality in your words and I know exactly where you stand. It sounds like you have made a decision to be done. Have you made any action toward ending the relationship yet? This is the hard part because he will do one of two things and probably both. One- he will get angry and blame and ignore you- defensive tactic. Two- he will be all apologetic and say he is a jerk and try to make it up to you- manipulative tactic. Fall for any of it and get hooked all over again.
What he did sucks. I too have been tormented by all of the things that my ex did and said. In time that will heal. I realized though that staying with him constantly triggered those old memories and that I could not forgive him whilst being with him because I knew that his addiction would ultimately lead to more of the same and more hurt. I have a mental record of insults that as long as he was around played over and over in my head.
Now after a lot of time it does not bother me anymore because it is him that has to live with the repercussions of his actions. I don't as long as I am not with him. I do have to live with how far I let it go because equally I have been trying to find my way without him after giving him too many second chances.
As far as our emotions and how they control us is determined by our conditioned and learned response to life along with labels. At first, I labeled drugs as bad and sobriety as good. I also labeled all of my ex's actions that went along with his addictive personality as bad- lying, cheating, using, manipulating, abusing. But it was the good that kept me coming back hook, line, and sinker. His good qualities despite all the bad could still be considered good. But by contrast the good seems disproportionately good compared to the bad. Then I labeled him bad and me good. Then I saw him as less than me and not worthy of me. All of these things contributed to more separation. And I did not feel any better.
For example, one day my ex comes home in a bad mood and wanting to get high. We get in a fight and he tells me he hates me and knows those are the exact words to hurt me. Then the next day he buys me flowers and makes me breakfast. His actions seemed so "bad" that the apologetic gestures made him in my eyes the most amazing boyfriend in the world. When we use good and bad to judge or reference things we fall victim to our own jaded perspective. Our perspective is changing throughout recovery as the fog lifts from our weary minds. We wake up to the light out of the dark. We see heaven when we have been living in hell. Again, these are opposites that must co-exist together to exist at all.
So if we remove labels and really just realize that we have come to a point in our lives where tolerating abusive behavior is unacceptable- both self-abuse and abuse from others. We have new non-negotiable standards for people we let in our lives. Those standards can only be built on building and rebuilding our self-esteem with respect, acceptance, forgiveness, tolerance, and love.
I used to think of the world in terms of like or dislike, good or bad, love or hate. We all have a tendency to think about life in opposites. What he did you may not like, we may tell you it is bad. You may even feel hate from all of his hurtful actions. But where there is dislike you once liked him. Where there is bad, there must have been some good. Where there was hate, there must have been love before.
We may have preferences and we may have aversions. And we become attached easily to specific outcomes and then label them. Instead- if we came to a point where we understand that labeling it one way or another does not help or make us feel better then we might be able to make peace with our circumstances.
For you, it sounds like that being with an active addict is no longer an option for you because of all of the behaviors and consequences that come along with it. It also sounds like having a partner who is disrespectful, selfish, unstable, unfaithful, volatile, and emotionally unavailable is also not an option for you any longer. Those are not good or bad things- they just are what they are and that is not what you are choosing for you.
The only reason I feel the urge to share this concept with you is because this is what I needed to hear to deal with my anger and let go of him, to let go of hate, to let go of fear without battling so much resistance that would inevitably make me rebound back to him. You might already be there way past the point of acceptance and maybe this will help nudge it along.
Funny, it was not until actually things seemed to be going well that I finally decided to let go of him. Why- because I decided better to let it go before it all went to hell again. I already knew that ultimately it would happen again and again so what was the point to continue for one more day.
Hope you find peace, freedom, and transformation.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 342
Don't let his immaturity and alcoholism tear you down.
Remember who you are, be that person for yourself and your child.
Awareness, Acceptance, Action.
You were aware and yes maybe you need acceptance. Sometimes it takes a while to truly accept. Let it happen for you and let it sink in and while doing that hold on to yourself because you are a wonderful person.
Accepting what is doesn't mean you are the cause of it or you are any less because of it.
I am thinking you are so much younger than I am and I wish you the best on your journey in life. Don't lose yourself and let the years slip away. God has a plan for you.
It sounds like you are ready to accept what is, I hope you don't keep blaming yourself.
Remember who you are, be that person for yourself and your child.
Awareness, Acceptance, Action.
You were aware and yes maybe you need acceptance. Sometimes it takes a while to truly accept. Let it happen for you and let it sink in and while doing that hold on to yourself because you are a wonderful person.
Accepting what is doesn't mean you are the cause of it or you are any less because of it.
I am thinking you are so much younger than I am and I wish you the best on your journey in life. Don't lose yourself and let the years slip away. God has a plan for you.
It sounds like you are ready to accept what is, I hope you don't keep blaming yourself.
box of chocolates
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
thank you.
he tried to play the "what bottle?" game. i mean seriously and then he said he was just being nice and humouring his co worker. at whos expense? it makes no difference to me but you humour him by degrating yourself and me and our relationship and then during conversation says he thinks im just with him for money i nearly threw myself onto the floor. money comes and goes. i do not care. and i asked him would you out up with you if it were just for the money? pleeeeeassssee
he tried to play the "what bottle?" game. i mean seriously and then he said he was just being nice and humouring his co worker. at whos expense? it makes no difference to me but you humour him by degrating yourself and me and our relationship and then during conversation says he thinks im just with him for money i nearly threw myself onto the floor. money comes and goes. i do not care. and i asked him would you out up with you if it were just for the money? pleeeeeassssee
box of chocolates
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
thanks rosie ....reality checks are good and indeed they are games.
he must be off his rocker if he thinks ive been with him this long pushed him to be better. lifted him up when he was down and put up with all of the lies, the disrespect,the nights not knowing where he is and if hes ok just for a paycheck. he must be deep in the rabbit hole to deny whats going on in his life and what the problems really are well im sure any new woman would be glad to deal with that.
yes that was sarcasm at its finest
good to be among supporters
he must be off his rocker if he thinks ive been with him this long pushed him to be better. lifted him up when he was down and put up with all of the lies, the disrespect,the nights not knowing where he is and if hes ok just for a paycheck. he must be deep in the rabbit hole to deny whats going on in his life and what the problems really are well im sure any new woman would be glad to deal with that.
yes that was sarcasm at its finest
good to be among supporters
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
He is deep in the rabbit hole & he is unable to see out.
I honestly think these alcoholics can not see what's happened.
I do believe however that he knows it's not about the money & this is just shifting blame to hurt you & to make himself feel better.
It's sad really. They are sick. If we stay we get sick.
You did give him your best honey & now it's time to give your best to you & your child.
As always, hugs to you.
I honestly think these alcoholics can not see what's happened.
I do believe however that he knows it's not about the money & this is just shifting blame to hurt you & to make himself feel better.
It's sad really. They are sick. If we stay we get sick.
You did give him your best honey & now it's time to give your best to you & your child.
As always, hugs to you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New England
Posts: 350
I'm sorry, LonelyGirl. This is so painful and it just sucks that you are going through it. You ARE a good person, and you absolutely deserve better than that garbage. Deep down he knows that which is why he points fingers at you.
Step away from that rabbit hole.
Sending you <<<hugs>>>
Step away from that rabbit hole.
Sending you <<<hugs>>>
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: ohio
Posts: 29
take care of yourself and your baby girl! you are a wonderful soul whose wings will soar. you can do whatever you want and be your own person. no body has the right to make you feel bad about yourself. you deserve to be treatment like a princess not a prisoner. you are treating your baby how to be treated and how to have a stable life you deserve. be happy in whatever choices you make. good luck to you because i have been in your shoes
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