drc5426

So today I experienced my first argument with my ex since our separation. Up until this point we have been civil although there has been unspoken tension. She's past 2 months in recovery. I respect and stay away from that. That's her journey, I'm on my own.

I wish I could go no contact, after everything that has happened between us but she is working recovery and we share children so I can't.

Long story long.

I lived with her for 2 years while she drank and did drugs. My codependency issues progressed and spiraled downward along with her addiction until I stopped this and kicked her out. I now live alone with my children, one is 4 and the other is 5 months. After I kicked her out she went to rehab. Once she was gone I made accommodations where the children are cared for while I work full time. I found a great babysitter for my infant, and extended my older daughter's school activities to relieve pressure on my family. I assumed the role of primary caregiver and put my ex on the street. I felt this appropriate considering her drug use.

Her family is helpful, and I have been friendly with them. They felt I was harsh and then didn't let her fall that hard. They took her in after rehab because she didn't deserve going to a shelter. It was only temporary though unitl she gets her own place which she hasn't done. They seem to be growing frustrated with her with them but that was their decision.

I did set boundaries when she finished rehab.

Ex isn't allowed to be in my home unless a family member or me is present.
The kids can visit her at her family's house or my house if family or me is present.
Ex can be involved with our older daughter's school.

I temporarily lifted these boundaries because of a huge hurricane that decided to smash the northeast. The ex stayed with me for 4 days because of this natural disaster, and it was helpful, for the kids, my ex and myself. My house wasn't damaged but many others were, including the one my ex is living at. The ex being around also quelled some behavioral issues that our oldest daughter was having. We strictly focused on the children and when they were asleep we would retreat to opposite sides of the house. She made one attempt to discuss our separation and addiction issues but I didn't feel it was appropriate. It's still too soon. I STRESSED that this arrangement was only temporary because of the storm, and she agreed.

After the storm she went back to her family while the kids and I went back to routine.

So my trouble finally starts mid week when the family that she's staying with decides to go away for the weekend. They don't want my ex in their home when they're gone.

My ex asks if she could stay with me again and I said No, the Hurricane is gone.
Her Aunt cornered me later and said I was being mean because I wouldn't let my ex stay the weekend. My ex is supposed to pick up our oldest daughter from school on Friday's, have lunch then drop her to my parent's. She decides to call me at work from my driveway asking why she can't come into my house. I was continually badgered through out the day until it debilitated into an argument where I was accused of, "only hurting my children" "being controlling of my ex" "being selfish" and "playing games". This also "wont last for long".

Eventually I said f*** all that noise.

After all this nonsense, I get my girls home and put them to bed. Even though they're in their beds, asleep, I still feel uneasy because of this sudden hostility.

What's the difference between healthy boundaries and control?

Is kindness really weakness?

What did I do wrong here?

Impurrfect

(((drc))) - I don't think YOU did anything wrong! It sounds as if her family is getting frustrated with her, but that is not YOUR problem. You are doing what is best for you and your kids, and if they don't like it...too bad. There are consequences for every action. Your ex is dealing with the consequences of her addiction, her family is dealing with the consequences of trying to break her fall to bottom, and they don't like it.

I'm sure this is not easy, but I strongly recommend you stick with your boundaries.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

eveleivibe

drx... You are protecting your children n if you are no longer together, you have reason to take her in. It was kind of you to take her in during the hurricane. I don't think a lot of people would have done that for an ex.

By the sound of it, you are being harrassed by her family n if they continue to do this, I'd consider taking it her further.

Can she not go into shelter for the weekend or with a friend?

rsk

You have gone above and beyond in this situation...your entire relationship. The guilt is hard to sit with but must be done. I have learned that the guilt and manipulation that addicts feed to their loved ones is like poison. Personally, I have made decisions that went against my own boundaries and this was due to "guilt"

I cannot blame my EXABF because they were my decisions but now I at least know the game that I am playing and in turn I can make better choices for ME.

You are right, sometimes you have to just say (("F" all that noise)) and hold your ground. You are not a bad person,the wrong person, or the person that is making life difficult for her. She makes the choices that shape her future. Only she can make life easier and more convenient for herself.


P.S. I too live in the NE and you are right, Hurricane Sandy is long gone and so is your obligation to house your ex.

~I wish you the best.

supportforme

drc - I just lived through almost the same situation. I, too, was impacted by the storm and allowed my XAH to stay during the storm with the boundry that as long as you are not under the influence and we maintain a healthy environment for the children. I had similar consequences - I was actually acused of "abusing him" b/c when I sensed that he may be taking pills again I told him he would need to go back to his mom's. He was quacking all of the reasons why it he was trying to do the right thing and stay longer. He became angry and screamed why was it OK then and not now. I snapped and told him we had a crisis situation that we have never seen the likes of so I showed him compassion. However, he's an addict and my boundries are firm, I will not allow the chaos of his addiction to live in my home with my young boys. This was the day before the 2nd storm and I frankly said, I'm not worried about being alone with my sons. I'm worried about allowing an addict to stay with us. Lessons learned - I once again allowed him an opportunity to manipulate us and I felt like it was all my fault because I allowed him to stay. Today, I was in therapy and I began with "I've screwed up and now I'm doing damage control" and went on to tell the scenario above. My therapist said, what did you screw up? From her perspective, she said - there was a natural disaster and you showed your children that you have compassion along with strong morals and boundries to protect you and your children. You opened your door and then stayed strong and closed it when you needed to. That is a positive message for your children. Hang in there - I know exactly what you're going through. Your doing what is right and it doesn't matter what other people think - they don't have to walk in your shoes and they do not have the responsibility to your children and their safety that you do. Keep yourself healthy and sane, for you and your beautiful children.

EnglishGarden

Out of curiosity I looked up the definition of "home" and one source defined it as "an environment offering security and happiness."

I think that is a perfect definition. And the moment your ex walks in, your home is no longer a home, according to this definition.

You have every right to claim one safe place in this world for yourself and your children.

You do not have to compromise your experience of home just because other people don't want to worry about the security of theirs.

Isn't it amazing, sometimes, the amount of chaos one unstable and untrustworthy person can stir up?

drc5426

Thank you all.

After all that huffing and puffing I had to endure yesterday, I woke this morning to a humble text from my ex asking if it was still okay for her to come and visit the kids. I agreed and she spent about 5 hours today with the kids at my house. No issues or discussion of the argument, just parenting. I suppose she had a good meeting last night and spoke with someone other than her family.

While observing her actions today I did notice a difference. It was "best behavior" so I left them all alone for two hour and watched a movie in a different room. I didn't pay much attention to the movie cause I was mostly thinking about everything else.

rsk, guilt is my worst enemy, it has been for years and is why things went on as they did for so long. My ex and her family prey upon this. When she went to rehab the first thing her family did was encourage me to stand by her. They wanted me to do this because her father left her when she was 7. They wanted me by her side because her Mother was an addict and left her at 5. They then explained to me how that the only way for me to stop this cycle of addiction, for my own children, was to provide a stable home for their Mother through recovery. They even threw in the fact she had cancer at 3.

I went home humbled thinking about her bad seat on this bus of life, then thought about having her home after rehab. It seemed like the right thing to do. I then thought about my children and paused. They're babies still. My oldest has an inkling of what's going on but she really only knows that Mommy isn't home all the time and Daddy is. They don't need to witness another relapse in their home. They don't need another one of those nights ever again. Even if my ex or her family's intentions were genuine I still wrote it off as manipulation by way of guilt.

I refuse to ever again feel guilty about her situation, I didn't cause it. I still struggle with feelings of guilt regarding my children. I often feel guilty that my oldest daughter was born heavily addicted to crack. I feel guilty that my youngest dealt with crack in the womb as well. This guilt, I feel is a completly different animal and I still have trouble with it. I recognize that this is the root of a lot of anger I have towards myself and my ex. I pray one day I'll get over it.

I understand my ex is awakening again with another round of recovery, she has a team behind her full of sponsers, family and friends. It's just disheartening when this team hears one side of the story, then decides that I'm hurting my children.

Their audacity makes my jaw drop.

Again, thanks to all of you for thinking about this.