HopeforHealing

I'm an adult daughter of an alcoholic. My dad is still an active alcoholic and my mom is an enabler. I've been out of their house for about 10 years now, and I'm thankful for my own healthy marriage and family. I began writing a very long post about my situation, but deleted it. Essentially, I'm upset with my parents for not being there for me and my new baby. The weren't here when I was hospitalized while pregnant due to chronic health issues. My dad was drinking and broke his ankle, and my mom stayed there to help him find a better place to stay since the nursing home he was in was depressing to him.

They weren't there the day my daughter was born (a planned c-section due to health issues.) Again an excuse was that my mom had a cold and my dad has a hard time getting around now due to decreased lung function.

They didn't make it to my daughter's baptism. This time my dad was drinking and fell, hitting his head and dislocating his shoulder. I got a text the day before her baptism from my mom, telling me they wouldn't be able to make it since my dad was in the hospital. She asked for pictures of the baptism, but I never sent any, because I was upset.

While in the hospital my dad was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, though I didn't hear about this until a few months later on my birthday when my mom was texting me about my dad. She ended up quitting her job, because she couldn't afford home care for my dad, and he is now unable to take care of himself at all.

They have only seen my daughter two times. Once was a few days after she was born, they stopped by for a couple hours then left, since my dad was complaining of not being able to breath. The second time was 5 months later, and the only reason they saw her was because we had to travel to a wedding for my sister. My dad didn't even know who I was the second day we saw him, his Alzheimer's has progressed that far. They never ask about her.

I sent my mom an email about how I was upset for her missing my daughter's baptism while my dad was in the hospital, but somehow she made it to my sister's second wedding which as three times further away and she brought my dad. I have never really expressed much emotion or feeling to my mom or parents in general because of our family atmosphere, but now that it's affecting or will be affecting my daughter's life, I feel I need to.

I was given a lot of excuses as to why she wasn't there, pretty much all of them due to having to be with my dad. She mentioned how she lost her freedom by quitting her job to take care of my dad now. She has several times in the past vented on how she was thinking of leaving my dad, but she always stays with him and enables him. She constantly made excuses for him as to why he was never available in our lives. And now her excuse for not being involved in my daughter's life is again my dad, this time because of his Alzheimer's.

This is no different than before, it's just the excuse now is Alzheimer's, though she still "lets him drink" in certain situations. I love my parents, but I'm upset with them for not being there for me. I feel bad for only expressing my feelings to my mom, but my dad is not even really mentally there anymore to understand anyways, and I feel that she is now the one making the decisions because of that.

I'm upset with my mom for constantly putting my dad in front of her children despite his alcoholism affecting us. I'm also upset with wondering why she allowed us to grow up in that house with my dad's drinking. Granted, I can't imagine how difficult it would have been to leave my dad and raise three kids on her own, but people have done it.

Now she continues to make excuses for him and uses him as an excuse. She plays into the victim mentality. I don't know how to deal with this at this point. There are layers upon layers of issues that haven't even been touched. What do I even do now? Do I just forget about it and never express my feelings anymore? Is it wrong of me to be so upset with the enabler in this situation?

redatlanta

There is a section on here below this forum for "Adult Children of Alcoholics" you might copy and paste this there - you will probably get more responses.

First welcome to the forum there is lots of support here and education.

I am sorry that you are dealing with this it sounds horribly painful. My parents were not alcoholics. I do deal with an enabler in my situation which is my AH's mother though it is nothing to the extent that you are dealing with.

I would suggest educating yourself on codependency and enabling. It will probably help you to understand some of why your mom does what she does. It is a "sickness" and where you find alcoholism you will also find a codie/enabler they go hand in hand. I have tried to limit some of my MIL codie enabling behavior with my AH - it has changed about 2%. She is addicted to codendency in the way my AH is addicted to alcohol.

Someone will be along that can give you better advice. As an outsider looking in I would say this situation is like beating yourself to death to try and change. You can't change her - but you can change yourself and how YOU respond to it and how YOU let it affect your life. Look into an ACoA meeting (Adult Children of Alcoholics).

Hugs and sorry you are hurting but glad you are here!

Seren

Hello Hopeforhealing, Welcome to SR!

It took me a bit longer to figure this one out, but we can no more control an enabler than we can control an alcoholic or addict. Frustrating--yep. I second the suggestion of taking a look at our 'Adult Children of Addicts/Alcoholics' forum. You will meet many people who have grown up under the similar circumstances.

I hope you take the time to read all you can here. It's a great place with a lot of great information. Please pull up a keyboard and make yourself at home!

HG

fluffyflea

Hi,

Start reading about Adult Children of Alcoholucs. That will give you some insight into how you are feeling and why.

HopeforHealing

Thanks for the welcome and advice, everyone. I'll cross post this in the ACOH forum.