SnowDaisy

So, when asked out on a first date for drinks, how should I handle that? Say ok and then order a non-alcoholic drink? Or suggest something else (like what?) I don't want to start out a first date saying I'm an alcoholic or I don't drink ever.

Dee74

If it's an issue for you, do you need to date right now SD?

D

SnowDaisy

Honestly, I'm trying to recover from a years-long very abusive relationship... I have been so isolated for years, I thought it would help to just get out and meet new guys to start gaining some confidence back.

sothisisit

What is the problem with acknowledging that you don't drink? I would think that its best to get that out front right away. Just state that you don't like alcohol, and that's not a lie, right? If they don't have an alcohol issue they could care less.

Dee74

I get that. If you find dating without drinking a frightening idea tho, I think there are other ways to not isolate and rejoin humanity that aren't as stressful or as maybe alcohol centered.

Sometimes it can do us good to be single for a while too...I know it did in my case.

I'd spent so many years defining myself by what other people thought of me, I had no idea who *I* was...I was scared to find out to be honest, but I'm glad I took the time to get to know myself.

zanzibar

It's sounds like you're still at the point when you think it's abnormal not to drink. Because of this you feel that the only reason there is not to drink is because someone is an alcoholic. As time goes by you will realize that this is not true. Many people don't drink simply because they don't drink and no other reason. You'll know when it's the time to reveal the real reason you don't drink.

You just came out of an abusive relationship, and in my opinion you absolutely must recover from this before you even consider dating. I firmly believe that if you don't recover from this first then you will be greatly increasing the chances of finding yourself in a similar relationship to the one you just left.

Personally I think I'd wait until I was more secure with myself.

nogard

My experience with dating in recovery is that it acn be stressful, especially meeting for the first time and I would certainly not want to sit in a bar all night, I mean why would I want to? Also I had to wait for some time before I was ready to date, but I went out with friends a few times a week and still do, which is great.

choublak

You can gain confidence without dating/meeting guys though.

It might be better for you, if you haven't done this already, to think about what you want in a partner, and also what you aren't willing to put up with. Have you thought about why you were once attracted to the person you were in the abusive relationship with? You may have thought about that already; I don't know. I'm sorry you had to go through that and would hate for you to start dating again and find yourself in another abusive relationship. I'm not saying you'll do that, just that it happens sometimes.

JJay

I'm with this. I know it's tough for some people but I just tell them straight out. I know it's just a first date but if it does progress into a relationship this is going to have to come up sooner or later. I'm always interested in not wasting my time or anyone else's. This is me. This is who I am. If that's tough for you then I'm sorry but I have to move on.

soberbythesea

I agree with the others about asking yourself if you're sure you want to date right now, but since that wasn't your question, I'll just answer your question.

Personally, I wouldn't go out with anyone "for drinks" right now, and I'm not sure I ever really will want to again. I have a rule I go by when it comes to events in a bar/centered around drinking... generally, they are a no-go for me. if it's something I feel like I MUST attend for some reason (say a really important work event), then I'll go, but probably leave early.

I wouldn't put a first date in that must-attend category, and I think first dates are stressful enough without me having to be in an environment that would make me uncomfortable (which personally, being in a bar does right now.)

Why not just suggest coffee or dinner instead? You can get into the whole nondrinker thing later if you don't feel comfortable bringing it up right now.

MesoFreak

Although I have been a big drinker, my girlfriend of 11 years does not. I like to drink but I personally wouldn't like it if she did. I grew with my mom never drinking and enjoyed having a sober mom although my dad was an alcoholic. If you and I were going out on a date and you told me you didn't drink... First things running through my head is: She might be someone worth keeping. I also know other men that feel the same way. Take that you don't drink as an asset to you, and if guys don't respect that are probably just looking for sex.

Keep your head up on this one, it is valuable that you don't drink

vinyl

Maybe it has already been mentioned, I wasn't able to read all the responses, but this is my only concern here. This is being dishonest not only to yourself, but to the person you wish begin a prospective relationship with.

You DON'T drink. And if you are afraid it will turn him off, then he probably isn't the right date for you in the first place and someone you should be avoiding. Kick-off your new relationship with complete honesty. You can even tell him right up top that you've had difficult relationships in the past and in an effort to begin one with complete transparency you want to tell him that you don't. Ask him his thoughts about that. You'll quickly know if this is a good guy or not.

bjames

"I'm not a big drinker... how's coffee sound?"

vinyl

But that is still dishonest, right? She's not a drinker at all. Why start off a relationship with even white lies?

Just my perspective I guess.

JJay

Vinyl and I pretty much said the same thing and I totally agree.

One line I've heard (that has been true for me) that isn't appropriate for a first date but kinda funny is, "I'm allergic. If I drink I'll break out in handcuffs."

vinyl

Now THIS I can get behind.

YoungAndClean

I totally get this. I wouldn't want to have to bring up the subject of not-drinking on a first date either. I guess you could do what some people are suggesting and fess-up to it right away, probley saying something along the lines of "i dont drink, it just doesnt agree with me." But darn-it I hate to say this but there is still a stigma. I feel like such an ass saying this but if you say your a non-drinker they might figure your an alcoholic, and if they get the idea you might be alcoholic than theres a good chance you might have a lot of mental issues, financial wreckage, and past sexual promiscuity/problems.

I think although what I described above is mean and highly judgemental. I don't think it's far from where a normie's mind goes when you decline that drink. It may or may not be a red flag but in most cases it is. Thats the nature of the disease. Addiction is a huge-turn off and red flag because it's ruined so many peoples lives all across the world. And I know for a fact that my sobriety has to come before other people and even my significant other, so it takes a certain type of girl to be okay with that. I don't kid myself into thinking my alcoholism/past drug use is not going to negatively affect my dating life WITH NORMIES. If you date others in recovery thats a whole different story but I am of the belief that normies (espeically practicing drunks in denial) are still very ignorant, judgemental, and uncomfortable around non-drinkers. Whether they admit it or not.

I apologize for such a negative way of seeing the situation but at 57 days sober thats how I see things. I hope my viewpoint changes and I am wrong. I do not like to think my drinking/drugging is as big a red flag as I think it might be. I hope there are normie girls out there who won't write me off right away because of it, because I don't see myself dating an addict/alcoholic like myself, thats a recipe for disaster.

JJay

YoungAndClean - there's a very good chance some people would be turned off by this. That's the bed we've made for ourselves. But would you want to really develop feelings for a person, date them for months keeping this secret inside and THEN have to bring it up way down the road? That's going to hurt an awful lot more if they're not interested then just telling someone you're meeting for a first or second date. I'd say if you aren't up front about it on the first date and you feel a connection and meet up again that by the 2nd or 3rd you should really just be 100% honest. Just my opinion obviously.

vinyl

Youngandclean, I think your response is founded on the premise that we are broken, when in fact we are all perfect just as we are. This way of thinking is precisely what causes many to return to drinking, their inability to see themselves as anything more than broken, sick, diseased or worse than those whom we may go on a date with.

We are none of those things. We are perfect and I would go as far to say even more-so than one without an addiction problem, because we have something to fight for every moment of our lives, and that builds character and beauty.

We need to stop this cycle of self-hate and having to lie because we think someone else may think we are broken. You can not control what other's think. And if you continue this cycle of wishing to, you will only fall back into patterns that cause us to drink.

YoungAndClean

I dunno guys I can't help but see alcoholism/addiction as a character flaw. My father has it, and so do I. Yes it may be a disease, genetic, whatever. But the bottom line is it surely does NOT help my dating life. I have yet to be convinced otherwise.