pauladmits

Alright, my name is Paul. I've been here before and it really opened my eyes. I changed a lot in my life, I started doing things, I made significant mental strides. Then I got a job. A full time job doing what I absolutely love. In the 2-3 months I have been gone I have not missed a day of work, I have made it to work before 8 every single day. I got a huge raise and things are great in terms of work. I'm also on three hockey teams and play hockey almost 3-4 times a week. Absolutely love it. My relationship is doing better, my social life is doing 100 times better and have some good friends.

For those who never read my previous posts, I'm not trying to be boastful here, I reached rock bottom couple months ago after losing everything and sat in my room for almost two years drinking every day, every night... so these progressions are very comforting in my life.

BUT BUT BUT... alcohol has not gone away. Of course I do not drink in the day, but I still drink. I can have a hockey game at 10 at night... on the way home after the hockey game, I pick up a half pint of Vodka and drink it while going to sleep. Quantity wise I do not drink anything near what I used too, but alcohol always has to be in my life. I have skipped couple nights when I was with my girlfriend, there are some nights I drink just couple beers or a glass of wine. But I almost always need something. There was a night the other day where my girlfriend was staying over. I met her after work to do some errands and I had not drank at all. But for some reason I got out of bed to go downstairs and I had one shot of rum. That is all I had the entire night. I do not understand at all why I needed that one shot. It did not get me drunk, it did not change anything.

I still work out, like I said I play a lot of hockey, things are going good. But I'm having trouble keeping alcohol out of my life. I want it out of my life, I feel so much better waking up, so much better at work, playing hockey, etc. But it just drives me crazy. Almost every day I say no alcohol, but regardless I end up getting some at night. Like tonight, my dad and I made tacos and watched some basketball on tv. He got a 12 pack of Corona and I had 5 beers. Nothing "over the top", but what scares me, is I don't know if I had any possible chance (mentally) of not having a beer.

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.... this is so difficult. Anyways, just wanted to touch base again just to get it off my chest that I'm still an alcoholic.

amy55

Hey Paul, missed you being here, but welcome back

Dee74

Welcome back Paul

Alcohol always had to be in my life too...I much prefer the way things are now

D

Natom

Hello Paul,

That lingering feeling at the back of your head is your addict/alcoholic talking. It's easier said than done but try not too listen to it.

Natom.

instant

Did you do any reading about AVRT?

We can always lead ourselves back.

Breaking free can be done- but not with the same mindset that keeps us there

fallingtogether

Hey Paul, welcome back. Alcohol doesn't need to be in your life. You are keeping with the choice to keep it around. 47 days ago I reached my bottom, 46 days ago I entered into a solid recovery program. My life is still hard at times, but not having alcohol in my system or my life, makes it that much better. Of course that's just my experience. I wish you well. Keep us posted!

iseult

I was able to do that for periods. Cut down, or cut out completely, then gradually be able to have a glass here, a shot there, but for me I really did learn that alcoholism is progressive. For some reason it progressed in me about 10x faster than most (so my doctor and addiction counsellor tell me- great guys, thanks! haha).

As much as I'd like to tell myself "Maybe one day, when things are more settled I can have a sip of wine, or a beer at a baseball game" but I really don't think that'll be the case. It is for some people and maybe you're one of them. I'm not going to preach at you "Never have that first drink!!"- just be wary of the warning signs that may be showing you're going to slide back into past behavior and lose everything again.

Pondlady

Paul,
I'm so glad to see you back. Your threads were what got me to join this site and I've got five months now After you left, I'd search for posts by you, but finally stopped looking and then ......Poof, you're back

I remember coming home from an event at 10 at night and having wine - then regretting it, like why did I do that? At five months sober, I feel much better, mentally and physically. I do think I'm struggling with some underlying issues, probably why I drank in the first place. I'm high strung and drinking helped take the edge off....trying to learn news ways now.

Anyway - I'm very happy you returned to SR

doggonecarl

When I read your post, Paul, I can visualize a balance scale. On one scale is alcohol and alcoholism. On the other scale you are heaping all the good things in your life that tip the scale in favor of you continuing to drink.

Good luck. One day that scale will tip the other way.

oh2exhale

Hi PAUL!! Welcome back, I was wondering about you just the other day! Keep It Simple!

solstice3

I'm on day 6 (again) but I've had less drunks in the last month than I normally have in one week. What I am learning about is what alcohol was doing to me even when I wasn't drinking. I mean, I rationally know about the big stuff, but I mean just little things, like not feeling so bloated, pangs gone from stomach, general malaise, etc. I never went more than 2 or 3 days without for the last 15 years or so (was not trying to stop), so I was never able to feel some of the immediate benefits. And I like them.

duane1

Is your goal to quit or keep it slowed down? It doesn't sound like you are committed to quitting right now.

Fandy

same here.

welcome back. I've always enjoyed your postings.

you have made great improvements and I'm sure you will succeed. i'm on board Instant's advice with the recommendation that you take a look at the AVRT section.

it's private and may appeal to your sense of logic.

congrats on the job too!

Pondlady

I took a look at the AVRT section, and agree with Fandy, it may appeal to you.

2granddaughters

I'm still an alcoholic as well and that's why I attend my AA meetings regularly.

All the best.

Bob R

nogard

Hi Paul, glad youre here

hypochondriac

Welcome back Paul x

Anna

Paul, I'm so glad to see you back.

As long as you are allowing alcohol into your life, it will be in your life and it will try to take over your life. I think stopping drinking is the solution for you, and hopefully at some point, you will be ready for that.

Xune

I'm four months sober.

The only advice I can give you is;

'Choose not to drink and seek help from others if you can't do it alone.'

EternalQ

Paul,

I remember feeling like that. By the end, I started to think I was no different then a baby who had to have its bottle or pacifier, and that thought really disturbed me.

It was that thought, and my self disgust at being dependent on it like an IV, that really made me stop and get angry about my alcohol dependence.

I knew I was so much more then that. Turns out, now nine months sober, that I was right!

Best to you with your efforts in creating a happy life for yourself.