MycoolFitz

Just to to talk for a few minutes, nothing more. I am crying so much I can hardly breathe. I can not explain it but I had screwed it up so badly I try to make it up. I gave her the house and 20,000 $ but I know my drinking broke her heart. How do you ever pay that back? I work on amends but how do I do them for me?

JJay

I've been where you are more than once. I've met so many great girls. One I was with for four years. Another I just moved 900 miles to be with earlier this year. My drinking hurt both of them and I don't know how to ever make that up to them. Despite what my most recent ex has done and is still doing I know my drinking hurt her. I'm nowhere near ready to make amends yet. I just have to focus on staying sober. If you were able to have a civil conversation right now then that's a good step. Hang in there. I've been where you are more times than I care to remember.

MycoolFitz

It is ok I just can not stop crying and that is my life fear.

Dee74

There comes a point when you have to forgive yourself Fitz...

I have an ex who won't speak to me. Haven't spoken to her in 15 years.
Haven't got her number and dunno where she is now.

I have to own the fact that I wasn't a very good partner, but I also have to accept that she went on & built a life for herself that by all accounts she loves.

we had our time and it was good - mostly - and then it ended.

We're guys and we like to fix things - but somethings just can't be fixed.

We can either see that as a sad thing or a reflective thing...

your ex has her life path and you have yours...neither may be what you expected, but there's still a lot of goodness and joy and pleasure to be found out there.

The only thing you're gonna get by beating yourself up again and again over the same mistakes, and a past you cannot change, is a lot of pain and a flat head Fitz.

D

4kidsdad

Let it out man, let it out.

It hurts bad when we hurt others. Tough lesson in life that comes after the fact.

Good luck to you.

MycoolFitz

Thanks Dee I just always want to do right but mostly screw up.

Dee74

There's noone alive who doesn't screw up Fitz - to me, you seem to get it right a heck of a lot tho

D

choublak

Realizing and admitting these things more than makes up for stuff in your past, IMHO. Especially when there are so many who gaslight all the way to the grave.

nogard

Yep we don't get to fix it but we do get to not repeat it Fitz and to build a new life

We don't have any control over others or events, but what we can do is live the best we can each day and front up to out f#ups

Soberish

I myself don't talk with my ex any more even though I have been tempted to. I tried doing that for a while and the feelings of the past that it brought back just made me realize it was time to move on. The hurt that we did to each other previously seemed to shadow the relationship and I felt it was best to let it go. This wasnt easy but i believe the future holds something better for me, and probably her as well. I agree with Dee when he said there's still a lot of joy and pleasure out there, I just think it might just take some time to find it.

laurie6781

(((((Fitz)))))

Your amends to your ex are LIVING AMENDS. You will continue to show by your actions in your life how you have changed and are moving forward and helping others.

I had to make those 'living amends' to my family and close friends and by about 3 years or so I had started to really regain most of their trust.

This will happen for you also.

Please keep doing the wonderful job you are doing.

As for the moment, go ahead and cry. It takes a real man to cry!!!!!! And crying actually cleans our souls. Crying is a good thing. It is also a pressure and stress reliever.

You take extra care of yourself now, you hear?? Remember I lived where you live and I know how rotten and treacherous the winter weather is there.

Lots of love and bunches of hugs,

MycoolFitz

thanks all I can know things but sometimes need to hear them

MycoolFitz

A tough thing though i quit deed the house and am not living there I am still on the morage and she is missing payments. That is a reality piece.

vinyl

Dee nailed it.

Consider forgiving yourself first and then be sure to step into this present moment and work harder at being available for those who are in your life right now. If you're into asking forgiveness from those you hurt in the past, that's fine, but don't let it fester if they are not accepting or if you are not satisfied with your own apology. Move forward.

By turning inwards and heeling yourself first, you will gradually unfold outwards and those around you will benefit from all that compassion you have right now, and that should be enough for you.

Good luck to you!

Threshold

You can't make amends if you consider amends to be making up for things, paying for damage done etc, because that isn't possible for emotional damage. Tough, but true.

In these situations we can only pay it forward. We can say sorry. We can get out a the person's life and stay out, if that is their desire, but we can't go back and change things.

We can, to a degree (and this is NOT insignificant) pay it forward. Participating in a recovery forum like this, with honesty does a world of good for those in recovery and those in community with them. We are part of a larger world, and we better it when we support healthier relationships, and real long term recovery. We can make a difference in many many futures.

I think it's fine to cry it out.

Acceptance has layers upon layers upon layers. It's pretty uncomfortable.

When I think back on relationships that were unhealthy and damaging, truly, I just want to leave them in the past and not have the other person contact me and try to make it right. We can't go back. I don't want to go back. I want to be left alone to enjoy today and hope for tomorrow.

MycoolFitz

Thanks I would be good at putting myself on a cross but i would require builing it myself first.

Notmyrealname

You can't change the past, you can only say you're sorry, and try to do better going forward. Sometimes I think about some of the awful things I've done, and I'm really in awe of how bad they were. But what can you do? If you can pay it back, well, that might be an option, but it's hard to put a cash value on a lot of the damage that we do. And that's really the only mode of recompense we have, other than apology.

The frustrating part is, often people are better off without our apologies. They've scarred over and closed the book and moved on. Asking their forgiveness would be an act of selfishness. You have to settle for your own forgiveness, I guess.

Delilah1

I agree with Dee on this one Fitz, you help people on this site daily and feed those who may otherwise go hungry.

You should feel proud of the person you are today. I know I am grateful for your posts and support.