soberwife2012

help with dealing with mother-in law" blame and angry! my husband is in ICU right now and in very serious condition from dui accident! but by the grace of god he was the only one hurt. the other two cars where ok. right now my mother in law is blaming me and i am having a hard time dealing with the verbal abuse (which sounds quite a bit little his when he is drinking) i keep saying phrases to myself!! i do not want to say anything that i have to say sorry for but it is getting hard to do!! i have said sorry enough in the past for his choices and i want to work on my co-dependency recovery. i want my kids to have a happy life, safe life and a normal life!! i would love to make it all right but i know he has to make the choice!!! please let me know what phrase i can use for myself to maintain myself!!!! i do not want to fight with her!!

fedup3

Easy Does It
Let Go, Let God
This too shall pass

. . .and when you're ready to come back with a doosey take a deep breath in and breath out slowly.

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in and my prayers are for you, your husband and the whole family.

LifeRecovery

Not directly related to alcohol but this is a stressful situation without the blame about the alcohol.

I wonder if there is a way to get some support around this from hospital staff (social workers, pastoral care) come to mind especially. Depending on where you live some hospitals actually have therapists on staff to deal with health issues/stress from health issues.

Confetti

Soberwife, I am sorry that you are going through this. It is difficult. I too have had to deal with an angry mother in law. In fact, we have not spoken in a month or so because of my choice to leave her son. (she had fully supported me leaving, then once he became her problem and she heard around the depth of his wrongdoings, she blamed me.).

breathe. Take a break from her if she gets nasty. Look after yourself and your children. If she wants to cause drama, let her do it elsewhere. You don't have to sit and listen to hear spew nastiness at you and you certainly don't have to repent for his transgressions.

Stay strong, it sounds as though you are in a very difficult situation.

Sending you hugs and positive thoughts.

thislonelygirl

wow been there. not with the dui accident thank god but with duis etc.
my mother inlaw has trashed talked about me to my own family saying that im the reason for his drinking. that im the reason (and not the drinking) that we have had financial problems or that because i dont clean my ah drinks (hmm if i dont then who does?!) and that i drink with him or in front of him(once again a lie has i havent drank in almost a year because of him) oh boy it just goes on and on but then there are moments of her hitting reality and its good.
your mother inlaw doesnt want to believe he has a problem or he did something wrong or that hes continuing to drink etc.....its crazy irrational mother inlaw coping skills i guess lol.
when its good its good abd when its bad.....its not about her enabling or her acoholic son...its about how easy it is to post blame on someone or something else.
if she attacks you verbally calmly tell her he is an acoholic. i didnt cause it. i cant cure it and i cant control it. and tell her i will be happy to talk to your son with you about seeking recovery if youde like?.....

thislonelygirl

i will pray for you and your husband.
try to continue to not lash at his mother until you know if your husbands condition is stable.

BoxinRotz

This. It seems so reasonable and logical.

My MIL is a BIG FAT ENABLER! She drinks as much as he does and always has booze at the house.

redatlanta

Exactly how is this YOUR fault???

soberwife2012

i wish i knew how i could make him drink, because on the flip side i could also make him stop! now i know i am a strong person but i also know that i am not that powerful!!! i know she is fearful and scared like everyone else! she is leaving me and the hospitall staff not much of a choice but to have her barred from being there. i really do not want to do this but she is not leaving much wiggle room!! all i know is she is enabling with a capital E! the hospital case worker suggested that mil was a factor in his drinking and she flipped out demanding someone take the caseworker away. the case worker also said that my husband needs long term care and mil stated that her little prince was not going to be around dirty people. i am afraid that her little prince will not be here by christmas if she does not come to terms with his problems! so i will be saying lots of phrases in my head to stay calm and find away to remain at peace with my choices thanks for every insight

thislonelygirl

soberwife. i feel for you i do. have been there and i can say this with you and your husband in mind...her being banbed or escorted from the hospital or having a case worker confront her as mean as it may sound is exactly what she you your children and him need.
this is such a horrible thing that is going on in your life and right now that you need support and not blaming. i diht know how seriius his injuries are but when he comes home etc it may be best to set boundaries with your mother inlaw when it cones to your home or around you or you ah.
if she breaks these boundaries example posting blame or anger then you will retreat away from her along with her grandchildren until she can behave properly.
this in my opinion is what you would have to do for your sanity for the well being of your children and for your mil to hopefully quit the enabling thats going on here.
she is a very lucky mother inlaw that you love her son so much that you are trying to help him and stick by him and that you arent enabling him. she is a lucky mil that you have put up with her this long.

thislonelygirl

i dont know your situation exactly if she lives with you or not or how your ah is but i would set boundaries with your mil as well. wont go over her home as long as she has alcohol and she isnt allowed at yours as long as shes drunk or has alcohol.

mry

I'm sorry you are having to deal with so much all at one time.

I have a FIL who blames me for his son's drinking. I found the best response to be that if my husband/FIL blame me, then for AH's recovery, he needs to live away from me and with FIL. It's been the most peaceful 5 weeks in years.

Is there any way that your AH can live with your MIL after he is discharged from the hospital?

BoxinRotz

She has her own place not far from us but he sneaks over behind my back n fills up water bottles full of vodka.

soberwife2012

my husband injuries are quite serious. he is still in ICU. i will not have him come back to my house with my children and I. i do love him but i will not love the bottle. my mil has seen the way he behaves when drinking but she is now going to have the joy of living with it everyday. my children do not deserve this nor do I. i have talked with the caseworker from the hospital and all his discharge and therapy are going to be my mil joy. the caseworker and hospital are banning mil from being there but 15 mintues a day. she is not a loud to talk with doctors or the nurses about his care becuase she started to get abuse with the staff. the sad thing is mil does not drink but she comes from a long long long line of drinkers!!! it is sad to see a family being destroyed by one person choice but also the decision everyone else has made. by the way mil does not live to far from me and the children.

mil and fil sat in my family room two weeks ago and agreed that they would do anything to save their son and would support any decision. but i guess that only applied if the problem stay private and not for the world to know.

BoxinRotz

We all have to do what is right for us and our situations. I'm sorry.

I have told my MIL about my concerns n she's like talking to a wall. She shakes her head yes and has no clue what so ever.

thislonelygirl

soberwife. something ive learned during this battle is the addiction the recovery and everything in between shouldnt be private (by hiding it. its enabling) and eventually like what you are going through hiding it doesnt last long. good for you though and hopefully this will get mil to see the harsh reality of her sons addiction. who will she blame then? and i hope she goes to al anon or atleast to terms woth whats going on and how enabling him and blaming others isnt going to fix a bad situation. good luck to you

SadHeart

I'm sorry you have to deal with her. It really sounds like she'd be better off for everyone's sake if she had to stay at home.

LifeRecovery

I just thought of something else that might assist.

I work in a hospital, and at ours you can contact the AA hotline for someone to visit hospitalized patients. You might be able to do the same with Al-Anon (we have a number of very active hospital employees where I work, and are trying to figure out if that is appropriate or not).

soberwife2012

the case worker was speaking to all of us about his long term care. that is the only reason she was involved at the time. mil is upset now because she can not fix him and is lashing out at everyone. as for the statement "i am afraid her little prince will not be here by christmas if she does not come to terms with his problems means... the problems are his not MINE!! THE WHOLE POINT OF THE THREAD WAS BECAUSE SHE IS BLAMING ME NOT HIM. thanks for pointing this out

soberwife2012

my husband can not even speak right now or stay awake for more then 2 minitues at a time. several of my alanon group support members are texting me. no body but family can be on the floor we are on.