Checkin in and getting honest
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 172
Checkin in and getting honest
Hi folks,
Back on the site again and continuing my zigzag journey towards sobriety. Today is Day 2 (again), but completely sober. I've come to the realization that I've been kidding myself for many years as to true sobriety. I've been using alcohol/drugs since I was 12 years old and it's been a crutch for the past 19 years. By the grace of God, I was able to remove all of the hard drugs from my life at about 22 or so, but alcohol and marijuana have remained. Even the recent times that I've quit drinking, I've relied on marijuana to keep my sanity as funny as that sounds. But really, the pot has just kept me fogged and quite honestly, somewhat insane
. I have my green card here in California but that really doesn't make it any healthier for me. It's ironic that I would be able to get an rx for pot due to my anxiety, when in fact I believe that it's the root cause of much of my anxiety.
In the past 15 years, I've had no more than a few weeks truly sober. There's been a few weeks in rehabs in my late teens, or several days if I met a new exciting girl, but I've never been sober long enough to truly distance myself from the haze. While I've always thought of pot and alcohol as the lesser of evils, it's also been one of the biggest demons in that it's kept me clouded (perhaps the lessor of evils). So today, I'm getting honest with myself, and honest with all you online strangers. I haven't had a drink in over a week now, but yesterday was the first day in a long time that I also went without weed.
I spent last night staring at the beautiful clear crisp sky, full of stars and once again appreciated the clarity of sobriety. How I long to continuously take joy in simple pleasures and to feel, to wholly feel again. For many years I have felt God calling me to remove the alcohol and the weed from my life, and to just trust Him in that He has a better way for me. And for many years, I've willfully ignored Him thinking I can do this on my own. Deep down I know that He has a better way and that I'll never experience my deepest desires until I make this huge change. I'm not sure if I even remember or know what it feels like to just be me.
I read Jim's story in the book last night, and then quite a few more as my sleeping is going to certainly take some time to adjust. Might as well use these extra sleepless hours for reflection and prayer. So thanks for letting me ramble, just needed to say these things somewhere, and appreciate a place to do so. Best wishes to you all in your own struggles and journeys.
Back on the site again and continuing my zigzag journey towards sobriety. Today is Day 2 (again), but completely sober. I've come to the realization that I've been kidding myself for many years as to true sobriety. I've been using alcohol/drugs since I was 12 years old and it's been a crutch for the past 19 years. By the grace of God, I was able to remove all of the hard drugs from my life at about 22 or so, but alcohol and marijuana have remained. Even the recent times that I've quit drinking, I've relied on marijuana to keep my sanity as funny as that sounds. But really, the pot has just kept me fogged and quite honestly, somewhat insane
. I have my green card here in California but that really doesn't make it any healthier for me. It's ironic that I would be able to get an rx for pot due to my anxiety, when in fact I believe that it's the root cause of much of my anxiety. In the past 15 years, I've had no more than a few weeks truly sober. There's been a few weeks in rehabs in my late teens, or several days if I met a new exciting girl, but I've never been sober long enough to truly distance myself from the haze. While I've always thought of pot and alcohol as the lesser of evils, it's also been one of the biggest demons in that it's kept me clouded (perhaps the lessor of evils). So today, I'm getting honest with myself, and honest with all you online strangers. I haven't had a drink in over a week now, but yesterday was the first day in a long time that I also went without weed.
I spent last night staring at the beautiful clear crisp sky, full of stars and once again appreciated the clarity of sobriety. How I long to continuously take joy in simple pleasures and to feel, to wholly feel again. For many years I have felt God calling me to remove the alcohol and the weed from my life, and to just trust Him in that He has a better way for me. And for many years, I've willfully ignored Him thinking I can do this on my own. Deep down I know that He has a better way and that I'll never experience my deepest desires until I make this huge change. I'm not sure if I even remember or know what it feels like to just be me.
I read Jim's story in the book last night, and then quite a few more as my sleeping is going to certainly take some time to adjust. Might as well use these extra sleepless hours for reflection and prayer. So thanks for letting me ramble, just needed to say these things somewhere, and appreciate a place to do so. Best wishes to you all in your own struggles and journeys.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 172
I haven't been to a meeting but plan on doing so and know where they are in my neighborhood. Perhaps I'll sneak out of work on lunch today, however, I am meeting with a man with many years under his belt re: sponsor this weekend. A big step for me.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Cleveland, OH
Posts: 1,191
Originally Posted by RiverFriend 
I haven't been to a meeting but plan on doing so and know where they are in my neighborhood. Perhaps I'll sneak out of work on lunch today, however, I am meeting with a man with many years under his belt re: sponsor this weekend. A big step for me.
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