Worred for my 12 year old daughter
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Join Date: Oct 2012
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Worred for my 12 year old daughter
I hung in there with my AH for TOO long and it's crystal clear that I've got to help my children and myself find a better life NOW.
I thought I was doing a good thing trying to keep us all together, and that it would be worse for everyone if I separated from my AH - but that way of thinking seems like a lifetime again - even though I only started to go to Al Anon last July.
My 15 year old is in denial, but he also kind of gets what is going on. My 9 year old is coping very well, although I don't know how sometimes. He is very loving and doesn't behave any differently for all that is happening in his life. Maybe I will see the effects much later, I don't know. My 6 year old has never known a day when her parents were truly getting along because things were already really bad when I became pregnant with her. So having her father away doesn't seem to be a problem for her. She is doing well.
BUT, for my 12 year old, this is just way too much. Her dream was that she would help her parents find romance and get back together. She sees how handsome and smart and talented her father is. Part of her idolizes him. Now that her father and I are apart, she is falling apart. She is angry a lot, has her defenses way up, gets furious whenever I repeat that he can't be in the house with us...She says everything is all my fault and that I have ruined her life.
She is getting migraines, complains of being tired frequently. I give her special time for just the two of us, but the moment we return home to the others, she is angry again. She interrupts me whenever I talk to a friend or is angry when I say something complimentary about her younger brother. She is rude to me and disrespectful and I keep trying to set limits while giving her love, but it's so hard to see her like this!!!
I feel like she thought that if she was the perfect kid (she's talented, smart, successful, social, beautiful...) then the deal was that things would work out.
I tell her that God has put us a different path than the one we thought we wanted, but that we have to trust that along this new road we will find ourselves in a much better place.
But words of wisdom seem to fall on deaf ears. I will have long talks with her and we've even cried together a couple of times, but later it's like she's forgotten everything we talked about. Her older brother says she just isn't getting it at all.
Some of you have had alcoholic parents and parents who were in a rage because of the drinking. Now that I am finally getting it, what can I do for my girl?! I'm extremely concerned that the damage done is something she might not be able to recover from.
I thought I was doing a good thing trying to keep us all together, and that it would be worse for everyone if I separated from my AH - but that way of thinking seems like a lifetime again - even though I only started to go to Al Anon last July.
My 15 year old is in denial, but he also kind of gets what is going on. My 9 year old is coping very well, although I don't know how sometimes. He is very loving and doesn't behave any differently for all that is happening in his life. Maybe I will see the effects much later, I don't know. My 6 year old has never known a day when her parents were truly getting along because things were already really bad when I became pregnant with her. So having her father away doesn't seem to be a problem for her. She is doing well.
BUT, for my 12 year old, this is just way too much. Her dream was that she would help her parents find romance and get back together. She sees how handsome and smart and talented her father is. Part of her idolizes him. Now that her father and I are apart, she is falling apart. She is angry a lot, has her defenses way up, gets furious whenever I repeat that he can't be in the house with us...She says everything is all my fault and that I have ruined her life.
She is getting migraines, complains of being tired frequently. I give her special time for just the two of us, but the moment we return home to the others, she is angry again. She interrupts me whenever I talk to a friend or is angry when I say something complimentary about her younger brother. She is rude to me and disrespectful and I keep trying to set limits while giving her love, but it's so hard to see her like this!!!
I feel like she thought that if she was the perfect kid (she's talented, smart, successful, social, beautiful...) then the deal was that things would work out.
I tell her that God has put us a different path than the one we thought we wanted, but that we have to trust that along this new road we will find ourselves in a much better place.
But words of wisdom seem to fall on deaf ears. I will have long talks with her and we've even cried together a couple of times, but later it's like she's forgotten everything we talked about. Her older brother says she just isn't getting it at all.
Some of you have had alcoholic parents and parents who were in a rage because of the drinking. Now that I am finally getting it, what can I do for my girl?! I'm extremely concerned that the damage done is something she might not be able to recover from.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: northeast
Posts: 468
Get her in counseling. Is teen anon a possibility? I don't want to alarm you but many teenagers struggle around puberty- it may or may not be entirely related to your DH's alcoholism. My RAS was a sweet, smart, outgoing child and around puberty he turned into someone I didn't know ... it was not long after that he turned to marijuana and alcohol. She already has the addiction gene- she needs to learn healthy coping skills or I fear what will happen.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Mass
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I was your daughter many years ago. The difference is my mother died and I could never get away from my raging alcoholic father until I went away to college. And even after I was long gone and married my stepmother would call wanting me to go "help" with my dad because he was drunk.
Let me explain what was happening with me. School causes anxiety and fear and need to be accepted. This is the time when her friends will make choices that will probably separate them into social groups at school. She has known how to "handle" being at home as unstable as it is it is the constant. Your daughter needs to have a safe place to fall and right now she doesn't have that. Her dad was probably the person who placed her on a pedestal and the person she felt most accepted by.
I think she needs to be reassured (which sounds like what she is getting when you two are together). She needs to journal her feelings. Allow her some time to be along and moody and tearful. She needs to express her feelings. Explain to her that you realize this is a time when life seems to have turned upside down and that sometimes it is good to talk to someone not associated with the family. Get her to a counselor an make a mandatory minimum visits. After the first one she may not want to go back so set the rules up front. And most of all give her extra love.
One interesting note about my situation. Two of my high school best friends and I are still really good friends. We are in touch 3 or 4 times a week. ALL of us had alcoholic parents and we never knew it about each other until about 10 years when we were having dinner and someone made a remark. We all hid it from each other because of the shame associated with it.
Hugs through this difficult time.
Let me explain what was happening with me. School causes anxiety and fear and need to be accepted. This is the time when her friends will make choices that will probably separate them into social groups at school. She has known how to "handle" being at home as unstable as it is it is the constant. Your daughter needs to have a safe place to fall and right now she doesn't have that. Her dad was probably the person who placed her on a pedestal and the person she felt most accepted by.
I think she needs to be reassured (which sounds like what she is getting when you two are together). She needs to journal her feelings. Allow her some time to be along and moody and tearful. She needs to express her feelings. Explain to her that you realize this is a time when life seems to have turned upside down and that sometimes it is good to talk to someone not associated with the family. Get her to a counselor an make a mandatory minimum visits. After the first one she may not want to go back so set the rules up front. And most of all give her extra love.
One interesting note about my situation. Two of my high school best friends and I are still really good friends. We are in touch 3 or 4 times a week. ALL of us had alcoholic parents and we never knew it about each other until about 10 years when we were having dinner and someone made a remark. We all hid it from each other because of the shame associated with it.
Hugs through this difficult time.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Hate so much that your family is going thru such a difficult time ~
I truly believe that al-anon and alateen are great programs to help with these difficulties ~ if it is not available in your area ~ possibly seek counseling with someone who has experience in the area of families affected by alcoholism/addiction ~
I know my daughters were greatly affected by my exah ~ I left entirely too late ~ they needed this help ~ I can only hope that seeing the changes that I make in my life today helps them as young women seek a change for themselves.
Pre-teen & teenage years are tough enough without adding this disease in the mix ~ everyone can use some help - just my e, s, & h ~
PINK HUGS,
Rita
I truly believe that al-anon and alateen are great programs to help with these difficulties ~ if it is not available in your area ~ possibly seek counseling with someone who has experience in the area of families affected by alcoholism/addiction ~
I know my daughters were greatly affected by my exah ~ I left entirely too late ~ they needed this help ~ I can only hope that seeing the changes that I make in my life today helps them as young women seek a change for themselves.
Pre-teen & teenage years are tough enough without adding this disease in the mix ~ everyone can use some help - just my e, s, & h ~
PINK HUGS,
Rita
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
I'm having similar issues with my 13yo son. The advice I've gotten that I'm using:
1) Break the tension. Do fun stuff together.
2) Talk to the kids about life stuff.
3) When they are acting out, act like a "dispassionate cop." Think of the detached cop that has to get the screaming drunk kids in the back of the cop car. Detached, strictly business, not taking it personally, all in a day's work.
4) Keep house rules and expectations very clear. If they aren't now, do this. (I had to backtrack and do some of this.)
Someone else said, Florence, this is just what parenting a teenager looks like. I was like, uh, we're not going to make it.
1) Break the tension. Do fun stuff together.
2) Talk to the kids about life stuff.
3) When they are acting out, act like a "dispassionate cop." Think of the detached cop that has to get the screaming drunk kids in the back of the cop car. Detached, strictly business, not taking it personally, all in a day's work.
4) Keep house rules and expectations very clear. If they aren't now, do this. (I had to backtrack and do some of this.)
Someone else said, Florence, this is just what parenting a teenager looks like. I was like, uh, we're not going to make it.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Good advice so far. One of my kids was just engulfed in rage and so very mad at me. He repeatedly told me I was making the wrong decisions. He acted out his confusion and anger in frequent, intense, loud, rage filled outbursts. He pushes all my buttons and it was very hard for me to respond like a parent and not get entangled in the moment where it all became a circle. Of all my kids he will reflect back what I am feeling. If I am stressed, he reflects it back. If I am feeling out of control, he reflects that back - which is sort of what I do. He needed me to absorb his rage and anger and reflect back to him calm and assurance. I tried. I did it sometimes (and more and more as my life became more stable) but I should have done better. It took some real focused work on my part and a lot of re-wiring of my thoughts. I got better and he gained acceptance of the situation (and his father moved so he quit hearing how wrong and mean I was). He did go to counseling. So did his older brother. His older brother is different and internalizes most of it and honestly, that is easier but probably more concerning. He is a very hard boy to reach.
They also gave me and my raging son ideas on how he could let lose of some of that anger without doing so at me or destroying the house. Throw ice cubes at a tree, shred paper, etc. etc.
Another point in our personal lives - their father and I did not fight. We did not yell or even argue. Ever really. They did not grow up with that but the dysfunction was there just the same and their dad went off the deep end when we separated and yelled and screamed, blamed, ranted, raved, etc. all in front of the kids. It was awful but anyway - the two older boys played out all our dysfunction with each other. The counselor said that they will do the fighting we are not and the level of fighting between the two of them was extreme even before we separated and it didn't get better for quite some time. Counseling helped a lot with that and of course as I got better and time marched on I created a more and more calming routine in our home. They found a place in the new town and new school and that helped.
They had a lot of change (family/stability/home/town/school), it is a lot to work through. The working on it part never ends. Be patient and gentle with them and yourself. Reading these boards can be sooo difficult for me sometimes - like as a parent there is just no hope to correct my past mistakes or to get it right today. That my children are doomed and it is all my fault. We put a lot on parents here. I have to really remind myself that even though I can't undo the past I can do my best today and tomorrow and my best is good. Some days my best is great
Some days I mess up but all is not lost. My children are not doomed. We do not need to be perfect parents we need to do the best we can, today. I want to remind you too - keep working on being healthy yourself, reflecting that health back to your children, and keep asking the questions. You are doing a great job. 
They also gave me and my raging son ideas on how he could let lose of some of that anger without doing so at me or destroying the house. Throw ice cubes at a tree, shred paper, etc. etc.
Another point in our personal lives - their father and I did not fight. We did not yell or even argue. Ever really. They did not grow up with that but the dysfunction was there just the same and their dad went off the deep end when we separated and yelled and screamed, blamed, ranted, raved, etc. all in front of the kids. It was awful but anyway - the two older boys played out all our dysfunction with each other. The counselor said that they will do the fighting we are not and the level of fighting between the two of them was extreme even before we separated and it didn't get better for quite some time. Counseling helped a lot with that and of course as I got better and time marched on I created a more and more calming routine in our home. They found a place in the new town and new school and that helped.
They had a lot of change (family/stability/home/town/school), it is a lot to work through. The working on it part never ends. Be patient and gentle with them and yourself. Reading these boards can be sooo difficult for me sometimes - like as a parent there is just no hope to correct my past mistakes or to get it right today. That my children are doomed and it is all my fault. We put a lot on parents here. I have to really remind myself that even though I can't undo the past I can do my best today and tomorrow and my best is good. Some days my best is great
Some days I mess up but all is not lost. My children are not doomed. We do not need to be perfect parents we need to do the best we can, today. I want to remind you too - keep working on being healthy yourself, reflecting that health back to your children, and keep asking the questions. You are doing a great job. Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
Another thing, after reading what Thumper just wrote.
My therapist really emphasizes how important it is to apologize for our mistakes as parents and let our kids know that we are working on them and how. I think you can do this in a way that's age appropriate. For example, I tend to lose my temper with DS13 because he can be so passive when he's in trouble, and I'm looking for signs that he understands what I'm saying and will commit/won't commit to following the rules. He literally gives me no input. It's frustrating, but it's not my job to drag guarantees out of him. I've been careful to point out how I was wrong and apologize with a hug. I don't want to be a mom that yells, but I'm a mom that yells. What's within my power to change that fact, and how can I demonstrate to him that I'm working on it? We do do-overs and sometimes it's him that devises the follow-up plan. In the meantime, I'm very conscious about how my feelings come out in my parenting and try to stave some of that off with mindfulness and taking care of myself.
My therapist really emphasizes how important it is to apologize for our mistakes as parents and let our kids know that we are working on them and how. I think you can do this in a way that's age appropriate. For example, I tend to lose my temper with DS13 because he can be so passive when he's in trouble, and I'm looking for signs that he understands what I'm saying and will commit/won't commit to following the rules. He literally gives me no input. It's frustrating, but it's not my job to drag guarantees out of him. I've been careful to point out how I was wrong and apologize with a hug. I don't want to be a mom that yells, but I'm a mom that yells. What's within my power to change that fact, and how can I demonstrate to him that I'm working on it? We do do-overs and sometimes it's him that devises the follow-up plan. In the meantime, I'm very conscious about how my feelings come out in my parenting and try to stave some of that off with mindfulness and taking care of myself.
My emotional baggage
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 285
Pippi,
Sorry you are dealing with this! I left my STXAH and have two young sons 9 and 5. My five year old seems to be handling everything well. I think it is his personality. I have a few more issues with my nine year old. He takes the weight of the world on his shoulders and gets stressed and occasionally acts out.
What has helped me is getting him a councelor and one for myself. I talk to my son before his meetings and point out things that have happened during the week he may want to discuss with her. I ask him to ask for tools on better ways to handle feelings and situations. One of the best things for our relationship, is I see a councelor who also specializes in children and families. I ask for advice on how to channel my frustration which happens almost daily, when dealing with his Dad and the divorce. Also, on how best to react to and with him when tantrums or anger situation arise.
Understanding how much my reactions to him affect the moment has been really I opening. Small changes in my behavior have changed our relationship immensely.
4MyBoys
Sorry you are dealing with this! I left my STXAH and have two young sons 9 and 5. My five year old seems to be handling everything well. I think it is his personality. I have a few more issues with my nine year old. He takes the weight of the world on his shoulders and gets stressed and occasionally acts out.
What has helped me is getting him a councelor and one for myself. I talk to my son before his meetings and point out things that have happened during the week he may want to discuss with her. I ask him to ask for tools on better ways to handle feelings and situations. One of the best things for our relationship, is I see a councelor who also specializes in children and families. I ask for advice on how to channel my frustration which happens almost daily, when dealing with his Dad and the divorce. Also, on how best to react to and with him when tantrums or anger situation arise.
Understanding how much my reactions to him affect the moment has been really I opening. Small changes in my behavior have changed our relationship immensely.
4MyBoys
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I want to thank all of you for weighing in, and especially you, Pippi, for starting this thread. I came here today dejected and guilt-laden and holding back tears, and once again, this place makes me realize there is help and I'm not the only one dealing with this.
This is my life, too. Our circumstances are slightly different -- my teenage girl feels abandoned by her father, thrown away is more accurate -- but the behavior is exactly the same. With me alone, she's mature, fun, intelligent, well-spoken. As soon as her siblings enter the picture, she becomes a she-devil who often scares her siblings and worries me.
I cannot enough emphasize the importance of getting them to a qualified counselor, preferably someone with experience of addiction issues in their clients. My daughter has been diagnosed with PTSD and clinical depression, and we're working with therapy and medication to get her stabilized and through.
It is not a road you can walk alone. There are days I don't know how I'm going to make it, and I feel so terribly alone.
I love the help and suggestions here. Florence, I particularly like this:
Because when the going gets tough, it's easy to let things slide. I know I have. I appreciate that reminder a lot. But I've found that when I make the boundaries clear and stick by them, she calms down. It's like she's shaking the railing next to the chasm to make sure it's going to hold, and when I stick by the boundaries, she feels secure.
Detaching is a b***h. Being, as Florence says, the detached cop who is just dealing with the situation at hand. I've also noticed that when I'm calm, it's hard for her to keep fighting.
Last night was the worst night we've had, ever. I snuck into her room several times during the night to make sure she hadn't harmed herself in any way. That's how bad it was.
So my very emphatic advice is to get her into counseling. It might not be easy -- I literally had to carry my 12-year-old out of the first counselor's office. She just laid down on the floor and refused to move. Even when we found a good fit, she doesn't talk an awful lot -- and she needs me in there with her. But we're whittling away at it, a little bit at a time.
I give her special time for just the two of us, but the moment we return home to the others, she is angry again. She interrupts me whenever I talk to a friend or is angry when I say something complimentary about her younger brother. She is rude to me and disrespectful and I keep trying to set limits while giving her love, but it's so hard to see her like this!!!
I cannot enough emphasize the importance of getting them to a qualified counselor, preferably someone with experience of addiction issues in their clients. My daughter has been diagnosed with PTSD and clinical depression, and we're working with therapy and medication to get her stabilized and through.
It is not a road you can walk alone. There are days I don't know how I'm going to make it, and I feel so terribly alone.
I love the help and suggestions here. Florence, I particularly like this:
4) Keep house rules and expectations very clear. If they aren't now, do this. (I had to backtrack and do some of this.)
Detaching is a b***h. Being, as Florence says, the detached cop who is just dealing with the situation at hand. I've also noticed that when I'm calm, it's hard for her to keep fighting.
Last night was the worst night we've had, ever. I snuck into her room several times during the night to make sure she hadn't harmed herself in any way. That's how bad it was.
So my very emphatic advice is to get her into counseling. It might not be easy -- I literally had to carry my 12-year-old out of the first counselor's office. She just laid down on the floor and refused to move. Even when we found a good fit, she doesn't talk an awful lot -- and she needs me in there with her. But we're whittling away at it, a little bit at a time.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
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I want to thank everyone here for your replies!!! I am so grateful for you and this site. The one thing about the intense cruelty of my AH is that it makes me so cherish the kindness of others around me. It also makes me really sad that others have/are suffering like this, too.
I am taking in all of your advice and it is very useful. I do have a therapist in place for the family and she has already talked to my other three a little bit. My oldest went yesterday and I think - hope - it really helped him. He, like my 12 year old, starts to take on the attitude that it is me who over reacts, rather than his father who has become a raging lunatic. The older children, who did not witness the worst of the last scene with my AH, are still in denial. The therapist made him see his denial a bit, I think, and he had to deal with some feelings he is bottling up.
For my daughter, she has an appointment in a few weeks but with each appointment she says that she has too many tests and can't go. I"ll get her there, though!
Her emotions are all over the place and I'm just trying to give her tons of love when she isn't attacking me! What she wants is money all of the time, and this isn't a great time for us to be spending, as the money seems to be disappearing...
While I try to act like a detached police officer and get healthier as quick as possible - very good advice!!! - my AH is arriving TODAY and as the time gets closer I feel how much I NEVER WANT TO SEE HIM AGAIN - and yet I"m going to see him in a few hours because the children want to see him and I can't leave him alone with them. I feel like the only place I should see him is BEHIND BARS. He should be locked up for the scary way he came at me and the terrible things he is doing.
He is going to play charming daddy and make the children think I am unreasonable again, because I won't be little miss happy to see him and having a good time like he'll be. I'm the party pooper. It's be like, there she goes again, ruining our fun - why can't Mom get over it already so we can all have a good time?! My older children are going to be mad at me and they will keep telling me to smile and be nice.
I can't get over what he's done to me. The last time he was here and came at me like that, he broke something in me and I haven't felt quite like myself since. I know I'll never be the same after that. I'm sickened by the things he is doing (cheating, lying, etc etc). Since it's been 5 weeks and we do heal even while we are changed I am doing better than I was initially. But I feel like seeing him is going to re-traumatize me and my HP would not want me to get any where near him. So this is a completely crazy situation!!!
How I'm going to turn this thing around I don't know but I don't want to feel like a victim and he loves to make me look badly in the eyes of the children. And they need to believe in me right now!!! I guess I'd better go about this as gracefully and calmly as possible. I was never religious before, but I know that I need God!
I am taking in all of your advice and it is very useful. I do have a therapist in place for the family and she has already talked to my other three a little bit. My oldest went yesterday and I think - hope - it really helped him. He, like my 12 year old, starts to take on the attitude that it is me who over reacts, rather than his father who has become a raging lunatic. The older children, who did not witness the worst of the last scene with my AH, are still in denial. The therapist made him see his denial a bit, I think, and he had to deal with some feelings he is bottling up.
For my daughter, she has an appointment in a few weeks but with each appointment she says that she has too many tests and can't go. I"ll get her there, though!
Her emotions are all over the place and I'm just trying to give her tons of love when she isn't attacking me! What she wants is money all of the time, and this isn't a great time for us to be spending, as the money seems to be disappearing...
While I try to act like a detached police officer and get healthier as quick as possible - very good advice!!! - my AH is arriving TODAY and as the time gets closer I feel how much I NEVER WANT TO SEE HIM AGAIN - and yet I"m going to see him in a few hours because the children want to see him and I can't leave him alone with them. I feel like the only place I should see him is BEHIND BARS. He should be locked up for the scary way he came at me and the terrible things he is doing.
He is going to play charming daddy and make the children think I am unreasonable again, because I won't be little miss happy to see him and having a good time like he'll be. I'm the party pooper. It's be like, there she goes again, ruining our fun - why can't Mom get over it already so we can all have a good time?! My older children are going to be mad at me and they will keep telling me to smile and be nice.
I can't get over what he's done to me. The last time he was here and came at me like that, he broke something in me and I haven't felt quite like myself since. I know I'll never be the same after that. I'm sickened by the things he is doing (cheating, lying, etc etc). Since it's been 5 weeks and we do heal even while we are changed I am doing better than I was initially. But I feel like seeing him is going to re-traumatize me and my HP would not want me to get any where near him. So this is a completely crazy situation!!!
How I'm going to turn this thing around I don't know but I don't want to feel like a victim and he loves to make me look badly in the eyes of the children. And they need to believe in me right now!!! I guess I'd better go about this as gracefully and calmly as possible. I was never religious before, but I know that I need God!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: northeast
Posts: 468
I don't think you will ever regret taking the high road for your children. Eventually, they will get it and see their Dad for who he is. They probably see and realize more than you think. Take it one minute at a time- and do the best you can for your kids. Can you "fake it, til you make it"? Just be yourself and try and put your anger at him away while the kids are around.
Good luck ... I know it can't be easy.
Good luck ... I know it can't be easy.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 109
I'm so sorry you're going through this.
And I love your screen name. Pippi was one of my fave characters as a kid. I dressed up as her for Halloween when I was five, complete with red pigtails sticking straight out. I loved how strong she was and there are times when I would like to pick my AH up by his britches and toss him into a tree like she would have done to the bully in her life.
I know it's last minute, but is there anyway you could have a friend there when he comes over? Or maybe you could all get together in a public place and not your home--tell your kids it would be more "fun" since that seems to be the issue? Your AH sounds like a master manipulator and having other people around will make it harder for him to run the show.
Keep trusting your instincts. Don't be afraid to call the police if you feel threatened.
I'll be sending positive thoughts your way on this difficult day. I hope you can feel all of us here at SR at your back today helping you through the tough moments.
And I love your screen name. Pippi was one of my fave characters as a kid. I dressed up as her for Halloween when I was five, complete with red pigtails sticking straight out. I loved how strong she was and there are times when I would like to pick my AH up by his britches and toss him into a tree like she would have done to the bully in her life.
I know it's last minute, but is there anyway you could have a friend there when he comes over? Or maybe you could all get together in a public place and not your home--tell your kids it would be more "fun" since that seems to be the issue? Your AH sounds like a master manipulator and having other people around will make it harder for him to run the show.
Keep trusting your instincts. Don't be afraid to call the police if you feel threatened.
I'll be sending positive thoughts your way on this difficult day. I hope you can feel all of us here at SR at your back today helping you through the tough moments.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
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Posts: 6,516
I hope today went well. And remember that you do NOT have to see him just because the children want to. If you are afraid of him, find a way to handle it without you having to see him. Like drop them off to meet him at a bookstore, or worst case, call child social services and ask what's required for them to handle it for you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,038
Okay. Longer update.
AH arrived on this continent and we met in a restaurant, had brunch and went ice skating at the rink. Hadn't heard from him for a week before he arrived, and he was not doing too well on the planning front. I tried not to enable him but to let him figure stuff out but he isn't doing too well organizing himself and his time.
But his mood was generally happy to see everyone and my 6 year old was so happy to have us all together that she went around the table kissing everyone over and over.
Later, we said goodbye at the bus and he returned to his hotel. He seemed perfectly happy to return there and not come home with us. Only my 12 year old was really angry with me and making scenes because she wanted me to say that he could stay with us. SIGH. That was HARD.
Today was my second day ever to go to church in about a decade. I went two weeks ago after AH scared me so badly that I seem to have had a spiritual awakening. Seriously, life is infinitely amazing.
I told him that he could come with us or not, as he liked. He decided to go and was very sarcastic about it but fine. The service was about the paralyzed man falling through the roof and Jesus forgiving him for his sins and the man walks. The speaker discussed how the paralytic was perhaps paralyzed in his spirit...Some reference was made to addiction...
Later a man in the audience asked about forgiveness and whether one has to forget to forgive. So a discussion ensued about how forgiving frees the forgiver to move ahead in their life. That we each have our own decisions to make and that we are not responsible for another's actions, but we can move on knowing that we leave them in God's hands...All of this while my AH is standing there next to me!!!
AH later thanked me for taking him to the church. He liked it. I don't think he is trying to understand things, though. I think he is going along with this new way of having me orchestrate his visits with the children. He seems to realize on some level that he needs help and can only cope with us so many hours at a time. I don't know. It's weird but he seems kind of confused and weak - not violent right now.
I find this all so unbelievable. Like I stepped out of my life and into a movie screen. Woah. What's next?!
AH arrived on this continent and we met in a restaurant, had brunch and went ice skating at the rink. Hadn't heard from him for a week before he arrived, and he was not doing too well on the planning front. I tried not to enable him but to let him figure stuff out but he isn't doing too well organizing himself and his time.
But his mood was generally happy to see everyone and my 6 year old was so happy to have us all together that she went around the table kissing everyone over and over.
Later, we said goodbye at the bus and he returned to his hotel. He seemed perfectly happy to return there and not come home with us. Only my 12 year old was really angry with me and making scenes because she wanted me to say that he could stay with us. SIGH. That was HARD.
Today was my second day ever to go to church in about a decade. I went two weeks ago after AH scared me so badly that I seem to have had a spiritual awakening. Seriously, life is infinitely amazing.
I told him that he could come with us or not, as he liked. He decided to go and was very sarcastic about it but fine. The service was about the paralyzed man falling through the roof and Jesus forgiving him for his sins and the man walks. The speaker discussed how the paralytic was perhaps paralyzed in his spirit...Some reference was made to addiction...
Later a man in the audience asked about forgiveness and whether one has to forget to forgive. So a discussion ensued about how forgiving frees the forgiver to move ahead in their life. That we each have our own decisions to make and that we are not responsible for another's actions, but we can move on knowing that we leave them in God's hands...All of this while my AH is standing there next to me!!!
AH later thanked me for taking him to the church. He liked it. I don't think he is trying to understand things, though. I think he is going along with this new way of having me orchestrate his visits with the children. He seems to realize on some level that he needs help and can only cope with us so many hours at a time. I don't know. It's weird but he seems kind of confused and weak - not violent right now.
I find this all so unbelievable. Like I stepped out of my life and into a movie screen. Woah. What's next?!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 109
That sounds like a pretty good day, all considering! Letting him get himself organized and figuring out his time, and setting up boundaries that worked for you and still allowed everyone to be together, are two big accomplishments for those of us who have an A in our lives.
Sorry to hear your 12 yo was angry and making scenes. The pre-teen years are difficult enough even without the alcoholism. It sounds like you were able to detach from her behavior and stuck to the boundaries that allow you to feel safe. You probably know this, but it bears repeating for others that read these threads, that even though your AH wasn't violent this time (thankfully) it doesn't mean it won't happen again (sadly).
Blessings to you and yours!
Sorry to hear your 12 yo was angry and making scenes. The pre-teen years are difficult enough even without the alcoholism. It sounds like you were able to detach from her behavior and stuck to the boundaries that allow you to feel safe. You probably know this, but it bears repeating for others that read these threads, that even though your AH wasn't violent this time (thankfully) it doesn't mean it won't happen again (sadly).
Blessings to you and yours!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,038
Thanks BtheChange!
Actually, you are right on, because he started getting agitated late this afternoon. He tried to convince my oldest to let him in the house and my oldest had to tell him otherwise. That was pretty heavy.
Now he is asking me (again) to see him tomorrow - just the two of us.
First I was going along thinking where shall I meet him so the two of us can talk? And then I'm realizing - wait! wake up! he's just going to say all kinds of stuff to get me agitated...Then things will escalate over the next two days and before you know it I'll be terrified again!
Then I'm thinking I had better make up some story about how I'm all busy tomorrow. And meet him with the kids during their lunch hour and after school somewhere if the children want.
I think he's waiting for his opportunity to get things all stirred up. It was a good weekend but it isn't the weekend any more and he's now only got two days to freak me out again.
Actually, you are right on, because he started getting agitated late this afternoon. He tried to convince my oldest to let him in the house and my oldest had to tell him otherwise. That was pretty heavy.
Now he is asking me (again) to see him tomorrow - just the two of us.
First I was going along thinking where shall I meet him so the two of us can talk? And then I'm realizing - wait! wake up! he's just going to say all kinds of stuff to get me agitated...Then things will escalate over the next two days and before you know it I'll be terrified again!
Then I'm thinking I had better make up some story about how I'm all busy tomorrow. And meet him with the kids during their lunch hour and after school somewhere if the children want.
I think he's waiting for his opportunity to get things all stirred up. It was a good weekend but it isn't the weekend any more and he's now only got two days to freak me out again.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 109
It does indeed sound like he is trying to draw you into something bad. He has acted very hostile towards you. Who knows, it may even give him a "high" to act out that kind of threatening anger, and perhaps right now he is looking for that kind of "high". Your first priority is protecting you. You don't owe him any favors.
I agree with SparkleKitty, it's OK to say no. Like the saying goes, "No" is a complete sentence. If you try to add anything to it, it gives the manipulator something to work with, to start the cat and mouse game. In fact, you might want to say "No, and if you ever try to enter the house again, I will call the police."
From what I understand, controlling and violent behavior only stays the same, or gets worse--it rarely gets better without serious work. Saying No to someone you used to love and trust is really hard, but in your case, that man is gone. Supposing the worst: today he was behaving in a certain way to lull you into agreeing to a one-on-one conversation where he can act out his anger. But, you know he's agitated and itching for a confrontation. Now that you can see the manipulation at work, the next step is exercising you right to protect yourself and say No.
I gotta run and get the kids in bed. My thoughts are with you, stay strong!
I agree with SparkleKitty, it's OK to say no. Like the saying goes, "No" is a complete sentence. If you try to add anything to it, it gives the manipulator something to work with, to start the cat and mouse game. In fact, you might want to say "No, and if you ever try to enter the house again, I will call the police."
From what I understand, controlling and violent behavior only stays the same, or gets worse--it rarely gets better without serious work. Saying No to someone you used to love and trust is really hard, but in your case, that man is gone. Supposing the worst: today he was behaving in a certain way to lull you into agreeing to a one-on-one conversation where he can act out his anger. But, you know he's agitated and itching for a confrontation. Now that you can see the manipulation at work, the next step is exercising you right to protect yourself and say No.
I gotta run and get the kids in bed. My thoughts are with you, stay strong!
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