supportforme

I've come along way in my codependency and enabling with my XAH. I've truly accepted the end of my marriage. I no longer have any expectations or hope for a future with him. I thought I was doing so well until recently I realized that I still have a lot of work to do as it relates to being a mom. I realized that I still have hopes and expectations for him to be a good dad and he's just not capable of that. I continue to try to work with him when he is not abusing and share time with him so the boys get to be with their dad. All I'm doing is setting myself up for disappointment b/c he seems "fine" and acts normal for a few days and then the craziness starts again - not calling the boys, making plans and not showing up, etc. I become so angry b/c the boys are disappointed and all I'm asking of him is to give the boys the love they crave from him. He continues to wallow in his own self pity while 2 young boys continue to be disappointed. I attempted to talk to him to explain that now the boys easily accept his behavior and are still happy when dad is able to see them and spend time; but, eventually the cycle of hope, disappointment and sadness will do permanent damage to their relationshp with them. I realize he's not capable of hearing my words, if he was, I wouldn't have to say them to him. But, I just can seem to get where I need to be and stop having hope and expectations that he can be the dad they need. All I accomplish when I open the door for him to share time with them is give him another opportunity to manipulate me and cause us all more pain. I try to show compassion and respect for him and all that happens is I put myself in a positon to clean up his mess. I'm really struggling with this one. I've become a single mother, part time father with a full time job and I guess I need to get off my pity pot and stop hoping that he will do the right thing so that he can share the responsibilities. I need to accept that these boys have me and move forward. I need to stop trying to control the possibility of his actions ultimately destroying his relationship with his boys. I need to let go and let God. I guess I need to go through these steps as a wife first and now as a mom. I need to continue to focus on being greatful that I have the privelage to share wonderful moments and embrace the opportunity to strengthen my relationship with my 2 wonderful gifts and stop trying to let him see what he's missing so that he can do the right thing. Advice would be appreciated. thanks

Jody675

i think cynical one has a good point. maybe not tell them about any plans that are being made and that way they are not disappointed. they obviously are well aware of the situation and why their dad behaves like he does, so keeping it honest yet protecting them from unnecessary pain is a good way to head. and dont be hard on yourself. sounds like you are doing a great job at being a single parent. its not an easy job, and absolutely thankless. (well until your boys are grown up and you can take pride in the men they become knowing it was your hard work, sweat and tears that created the people they mature into).

LoveMeNow

I think you have many of your own answers and you seem very healthy. Change is always difficult at first but the boys are so lucky to have one strong and emotionally healthy parent.

Are the boys in therapy? I think that would be my next step, then book a nice vacation for all you.


P.S. Trying to make him Father of the Year is like putting lipstick on a pig. He is what he is and IMO, the sooner the boys accept it, the sooner they can process their feelings about it. Yes, It hurts them and I know that hurts you too - but maybe its time to allow them to go through the grieving process with the help of a therapist. JMHO.

supportforme

@ Cynical - Thanks for the advice and support. Your posts and blog have given me so much support and guidance - I just need to be a better learner.
@ Jody - thanks for the advice and encouragement. I appreciate it.
@LMN - LOL - what a wonderful visual but so true.

You are all so right. I've been trying to not say anything this way they don't have the hope and then the expectation so it's a pleasant surprise. However, I've allowed him to make promises, which is why I'm here. I realize that I've been creating opportunities for him to disappoint such as making plans for our older son's birthday. So, that will stop. The boys were seeing his therapist as part of his so called recovery and that was contingent upon whether he was going. That has stopped. Today, I called the therapist and will begin their own therapy next week with another therapist to focus on their needs. I truly do appreciate all the insight and support. I thought I was doing so good and didn't realize how much work I still needed to do to stop how much his irrational behavior impacts these boys. Thank you.

hello-kitty

Excellent advice. Back when I was still trying to make my ex be the father I thought my son needed, this is what I did. I never told my son when he was going to see him. Then he wasn't hurt when he didn't show up.

Tarot

Babes this post brought a tear to my eye because it was exactly how i felt when i split with my 4 sons dad 10 years ago now. I had all the same worries and issues as you described and i just want to let you know that even with their dad not being around for years in the end and after years of disappointments, my boys came to get used to it and accept he was useless. We just concentrated on being a tight lovin family and now i look at them almost all grown up and well balanced, wise and well adjusted and i am so proud that i did that myself. We were just so better off without him. It was his choice to leave my boys lives, something i know he now deeply regrets but we don't!! Big Hugs sweetheart i know this is a hard time but its just a transition period and it will get easier xx

supportforme

Thank you so much for the posts. It gives me comfort to know that people have walked my path and my boys can enjoy a happy and healthy life, if I do the right thing and stop allowing him and his addiction to take us down. I do see that my relationship with my boys has strengthend, we were upstairs giggling in my little ones bed earlier and that's validation for me that these boys can be OK with love and support. Then I came here and read these responses and I'm filled with a sense of hope towards a better future that depends on ME. Someone who I can depend on --with SR's help, of course Thanks again -

dollydo

Personally, I think that you are doing fine, this recovery from codependency is a real learning experience and does not happen over night. Keep working on you, all the pieces of the puzzle
will fall together.

You are a good mom, who is doing the best you can for your children, be proud!