916Girl

I am here to ask for assistance on how to deal with a few things.. first off my boyfriend is a recovering addict. He has finally started to recognize problems and is getting therapy and taking his medication more regularly and properly. He has relapsed a couple of times since we have been together and each time I have been understanding and there for him if he needed anything without judgement.

He has a very hard time apologizing for anything - because it makes him feel like "he is a bad guy". It is hard on me because I know he feels bad and he is sorry - and pointing things out or telling him he hurt my feelings makes him feel like I am "making myself the victim"... he has a lot of misplaced anger and will lash out at me impulsively then afterwards draw into himself and seclude himself or become depressed. He has been depressed almost the whole time we have been together (a little over a year). He claims that other people (or me) push him to his limits and cause him to get that way. A couple of times he has acknowledged that he has control, but he still has a long way to go.

He has made great improvements since I have met him and even his family says he seems to be doing so much better. I love him as my boyfriend but sometimes because I am not able to always express my own feelings, I wind up feeling like a therapist or counselor to his problems. I know as his girlfriend we can do a certain amount of that - but it is becoming harder for me to deal with. It doesn't upset me, it just saddens me when I see him fall into a slump or negative thinking that is so detrimental to him. He tells me how lucky he is to have me and how he doesn't deserve me. He says he loves me all the time and has never wanted to "break-up" with me.

I have analyzed my own needs and expectations in the relationship, but I would like some feedback from others who have been in relationships with those in recovery as to what expectations we should have from someone in recovery as far as how much they can emotionally give - and generally if there is any sort of gauge. I find myself telling myself that he is doing the best he can, and I do see him trying, which is part of what keeps me around. If he wasn't making any progress I would have been gone long ago.... anyway... any advice or feedback??

eveleivibe

I've not been with a recovering addict but would like to give you a hug and ask what are you doing for you? I see you worrying n caring for your addict but what about you? X

outtolunch

Take his drug issues out of this. He's got depression and anger management issues and is not taking responsibility for his reactions to the world.

You can't fix him and he's not going to turn into the hopeful fantasy of the guy you want and need.

LoveMeNow

That does not sound like recovery at all. Sounds more like an active addict trying to manipulate you! JMO

FenwayFaithful

What exactly are you getting out this?

A guy who continues to relapse, blame all his problems on you, play the victim and makes you feel like your feelings aren't valid or worth being heard?

This is VERY typical addict behavior. He says he loves you and maybe he does in his own way but it's a very selfish way.

Maybe he's been better since he's been with you but it seems like he's still doing pretty badly given his attitude and relapses.

You sounds like an intelligent and grounded girl. I suggest you take a long hard look at this relationship and what you truly want.

As for my experience? Relapse, lies, manipulation, depression, heartbreak, jail time, money problems... things didn't get better like I hoped they would. They just got worse. And he loved me too in his own way. But he i an addict. And being an addict is about more then just drugs. Most addicts have to do a hell of a lot of work on themselves before they can commit to being with someone else.

Honestly you won't find happiness here. You are going to find lots of frustration and pain because you just can't fix him.

hello-kitty

Boy your relationship just sounds so exhausting and one-sided. You give. He takes. He sounds like a man-child - very emotionally imature. Addicts brain tend to stop developing at the age when they start using drugs. He sounds like a 12 year old. 15 tops. And thats as good as it's going to get unfortunately. Some guys just NEVER grow up emotionally. Especially addicts.

Your not going to be able to fix that about him. You can't change that. You have to decide whether it's something you want to be around for the rest of your life. And if not, it's up for you to change your situation. A healthy relationship does not mean one of you is the therapist and the other one gets to act like a "king baby". That's toxic and eventually it will make you sick.

Your feelings count. They should be recognized. You are allowed to have them and express them without being belittled or made to feel guilty about them.

I'm sorry. I hope you find the strength to reach out for what YOU deserve in life.

blackandblue

I too once played the part of mommy, cheerleader, counselor, doctor, nursemaid, hero, and enabler of my addict ex boyfriend. I never actually just got to sit back relax and enjoy being in the relationship as an equal partner. I was always afraid and making sure I did not upset him. It is called walking on eggshells. And it is abusive.

From day one I lied to myself and believed it could work because we were different. We could live happily ever after. This is delusion. We make accommodations for our addicts so that they can continue treating us poorly and destroying themselves at our expense.

I have been there done that so many times and it has taken time, this forum, al-anon, reading, journaling, therapy, friends, family, prayer, meditation, yoga and 2 years to wake up to my new life. If you decide to stay please at least read others posts here to see what you are in for- a roller coaster ride of trauma.

If he ever finds treatment, sobriety and true recovery- and you do not take care of yourself- what kind of shape will you be left in to be a partner for anyone? To stay with an active addict or even "dry drunk" is the most self-destructive choice I have ever made in my life. And to be honest- you sound just like where I was before and I know you can recover too.

Blessings and keep posting and venting and we are all here for you!

916Girl

Thank you so much for the responses and the advice. I was speaking to my mom about it this morning and she says he is lying to me. He "lost" his medications last night and he HAD to go visit a dealer so that he wouldn't go into withdrawls he said. Before we got there he was cranky and moody and agitated and rude. Once he got his fix he was all lovey dovey and "so sorry" for what he is putting me through.

He claims he just got a couple vicodin and not heroin since he has always told me when he uses, he said why would he lie to me now when he has always told me before.... He got home and passed out. Magically... this morning he "found" his medication. That we both looked for for at least an hour the night before. He claims he woke up in the middle of the night and something told him to look in a certain spot, and he found them there. I want to believe him. I really do. I thought that we have had an honest relationship up to this point, but I don't know what to believe anymore and I am feeling confused.

I get to talk to my therapist tonight and he gets to go see his therapist as well. He sees a specialist for addiction problems, so I guess I will see how things come out of that...for both myself and for him. I want to do what is best for ME. I told him yesterday that I am just tired of the drama and the problems.... today it is as if nothing happened, and still no (sober) apology for the things he said to me.

It is the strangest thing...there are times he is all for a new life and cutting out "drug-dealer" friends, and making a new life, going back to school, etc... but it is so conditional and it wears on me.

I have a good job, pay the rent, pay my bills, have a vehicle. I do things for myself, I hang out with my friends and family, I write, journal, talk to my counselor, I try to work out. So I do take care of myself, but I KNOW that I put too much into this, yet, I figure, as long as it isn't preventing me from having a happy life - it's okay. I know it could be better, but I have limits and I do stick to them, except my limits are probably not as strict as most people...

interrupted

He feels like a bad guy because he is an abusive boyfriend. Go figure. But instead of trying to work an active recovery program he's decided it's all your fault. Manipulation. When you say "lash out at me impulsively" it doesn't sound like you are in a very safe place.

Forget about the drugs for a second. Are the behaviors that you described in your post acceptable from someone that you want to spend your life with? Sometimes it can help to just take the drugs out of the picture and watch the behavior itself. Take some time to create some boundaries of acceptable behavior for yourself, and then come up with an action plan for when those boundaries are crossed. He actually sounds dangerous to me, I hope you are safe. Keep posting, remember that your needs matter, your feelings matter, drugs or not, abuse is NEVER okay. I'm sorry for the situation that brought you here, but welcome to SR.

taylynn

916girl, I know what you mean when you say that he acts all cranky and moody until they get their fix. My husband did/does the same thing. He acts all sweet and always sorry for everything. To be honest, he gets on my nerves. He will start passing out and stuff because he has taken 10-15 pain killers at one time. It gets aggravating. He is in rehab now. Maybe he needs to go. I've been through a lot and when I look back at it, I don't want that for me or my children. His family uses. He is actually in rehab with his Dad. His Dad was always on drugs and that is who he reminds me of. Except he never hit me. His Dad was an abusive person to his wife and the kids.

blackandblue

[/QUOTE] So I do take care of myself [/QUOTE]

That is a great start and difficult to keep up living with an addict. You can do all of those things and live on your own without abuse. To take it a step further, living with an addict makes us an addict. We are addicted to the addict. A term called codependency. Please read some of the posts in this forum about abuse and codependency.

[/QUOTE] but I KNOW that I put too much into this[/QUOTE]

Good realization. Admitting there is a problem is the first step toward waking up from denial.

[/QUOTE] yet, I figure, as long as it isn't preventing me from having a happy life - it's okay.[/QUOTE]

I could be wrong. It just seems from all of your posts that happy is not the word I would use to describe your current circumstances. It seems more like you are trying to keep your end of the relationship together and he is an absentee partner and completely emotionally unavailable and abusive.

[/QUOTE] I know it could be better [/QUOTE]

Yes it can be I promise. I have been in your shoes. We all have. May I recommend posting to the forums of recovering addicts and asking their opinion. That really helped me to hear it straight from another addict. They all told me to run. Not one single person that I love or care about, not a single person in SR, not my therapist, not one have advised me to stay. Oh wait there was one. And she herself is in an addictive codependent relationship and in denial. Okay so one out of a thousand.

[/QUOTE] but I have limits and I do stick to them[/QUOTE]

What are your limits? Just something to think about. Your boundaries seem to blur the lines of where you stop and he starts. I know all about it. I used to try to be the "sobriety police" when I still lived with him and honestly his using is not your business. That is between him and his higher power and his mother if he is under 18 years old. You cannot control it. You cannot cure it. And you did not cause it.

[/QUOTE] except my limits are probably not as strict as most people [/QUOTE]

Maybe instead of "strict" what you mean is "defined." Most of us had to redefine and define our limits and what we are willing to tolerate. A matter of being strict with another person sounds more like a "parental" term. Many of us who are in your shoes and have been walking in them for a long time have had to learn what our limits are the hard way. Sounds like you are too. If you knew your limits you would not be on this forum.

Many blessings

916Girl

So my question then... will people who have addiction problems ALWAYS be alone? Does it ever work out where the addict and the other person are able to have a happy life? It all seems so dismal in here sometimes.

Positivity anywhere?

jerect

For me it didnt work out, I stuck around until the pain of staying far outweighed the pain of leaving..

People who have addiction problems do not have to be alone.. if they choose to seek recovery and stay clean they can thrive in everyday society just like everyone else.. Two of my very dear friends who are married to each other both have 30 years of sobriety under their belts but they live and breath the 12 step program.

A healthy person plus an unhealthy person does not equal a heatlhy relationship.. likewise unhealthy plus unhealthy can never equal heatlhy.. if you are in a relationship with an addict in active addiction or an addict who isnt using but isnt working on any kind of program chances are you are not going to have a successful relationship with that person..

You have to put the focus back on you and you alone.. the addict will either stop using on his own when he hits his bottom and gets sick and tired of living like he does or he will keep right on using, destroying every relationship in his path..

I think there are some happy endings sure but only when the couple is working individualy on their own recovery and even then its a long hard climb to the top..

blackandblue

916Girl- I hear the desperation for validation in your words and questions. It seems like you are seeking encouragement to stay in this relationship. This forum though is not to advise you about whether to stay or go although you will probably hear a lot of people advising you to run and never look back. This forum is to share experience, strength, hope, wisdom and truth so that you may have some guidance along the way. You will have to decide if and when you are ready and what is right for you. And from my point of view- ask all the questions you want. I am at a point in my recovery where I am also asking a lot of questions. What you are doing for yourself by being here in this forum is a positive step whether you decide to stay or find something else.

Losing a loved one and albeit to addiction is painful. And whether you are still living together or not- he is still alone in his addiction and you are alone with yours. Oh except that when we acknowledge a higher power greater than ourselves- we are not alone anymore. So until then he may feel alone. Part of hitting bottom. Oh and addiction is negative. It kills, puts people in jail, and/or institutions. No other options.

I felt so alone when I lived with my addict ex and I completely isolated. On the surface I thought I had it under control and thought in my case it would be different and that all of these sad stories were too hard to face. I will add that the people here who have issues around love and codependency addiction have fantastic stories about healing and growth as well as self-love and healthy love with all of the potential in the world for new and more fulfilling relationships and lives. That is the positive benefit of working a recovery program and it can take time to find what is right for you.

Please reference the 12 steps of Al-anon and the codependency forum and cynical one's post on 'the hopium addict." What is even more painful- is to face the TRUTH. This is not a matter of positive or negative as it may seem.

Pain, pleasure. Joy, sadness. Loss, gain.- These states of being are not a matter of positive and negative unless we become addicted or stuck to any of them. These are all part of life and part of what we must experience to grow. The key is to not dwell or become attached or addicted to any of it or we get lost in a fantasy world. This is more problematic the younger we are because there is so much media playing on fantasy and people take it as reality. Awareness and mindfulness of reality just as it is will start to set you free. Then comes serenity if you start on your own recovery. All positive.

I have asked the same exact questions. Feel free to read through my old posts. Being positive does not always mean sugarcoating reality or living in fantasy. Being positive can mean letting him go to protect yourself while he finds true recovery or he may not. There is nothing you can do except to focus on what you need as he is not capable of meeting yours- again please understand you have no power over his addiction. None of us have the power to make another person change- change comes from within. We can be positively influenced but right now, your boyfriend does not have a lot of incentive to change as you are tolerating him as he is and that reinforces the situation.

With all due respect to his "progress" he is not in recovery. I know the desire to defend the addict. I did it for 3 years. Sometimes being positive means finding constructive ways to deal with reality- especially when the current reality could mean severe consequences to our personal well being. Happiness is a state of mind that comes and goes. Peace, serenity, joy- those come from a lot of practice, growing up, acceptance, forgiveness, letting go, tolerance, wisdom, and realizing that we are responsible for our actions and feelings. No one else "makes" us happy or sad. We do that ourselves.

He is choosing to lead a life that inevitably will lead to loneliness and spending time with other lonely people- other addicts or dealers. To active addicts- they are not alone. They have the drug and that is all they care about. That does not mean he will be alone. Again, taking responsibility for his actions is a codependent behavior. He has to face his own consequences or he will not change. When we stay and comfort active addicts we are enabling.

The good news is and the positive light at the end of the tunnel is that it is your choice. No one here will judge you for what you decide. I went back to my ex several times before I realized I was finally done. It just got old. The drama. Watch the same movie a hundred times and you already know how it ends. The power to begin your new life is in your hands and I will say not one of us would tell you that we did it alone.

I have been going through all of the stages of grief for some time now. And I can finally feel it lifting. Please look at the stages of grief. It sounds like you are somewhere between denial and bargaining. This may shed some light. So much opportunity for learning, growth, new and healthy relationships, self-esteem building, and maybe even room for him to find his own recovery. This is something they have to do on their own. Ask any addict.

I leave you with the serenity prayer... "God (or higher power) grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

Hope this sheds some light and praying for you!

916Girl

Thank you. We both have therapy appointments tonight (separately) ... so I want to see what comes out of that...

But it sounds like I have a lot to think about.

I have a problem of always being able to see both sides of a situation... it makes it hard to make decisions in life actually. I know that whatever happens I am safe and his problems are HIS problems.

I left him laying on the floor in the office yesterday after he claimed he was "too sick to move"... so I closed the door and went out to my car to look for something and immediately he came outside to ask me where I was going. Sometimes it feels like he is playing games or doing things for attention.

My overly analytical brain has a tendency to do just that. I also will not look at things in black and white....black and white thinking can also get people into troublesome situations. Thanks again for the advice and feedback.

I will check out other posts and other people in similar situations to gain some insight.

hello-kitty

Drug addiction IS dismal. And relationships with active addicts or addicts that are not being true to their recovery are dismal too. (That doesn't mean they don't exist. Look around. Lots of addicts AND codependents are in relationships just because they don't want to be alone. Doesn't mean they have a happy life though).

If you make WISE choices for yourself, and be HONEST with yourself, then things will work out. It just might not be the way you expect them too.

Active addicts do not make WISE choices and they are not HONEST with themselves or anybody else. So things do not work out for them, or for the loved ones who let their future happiness depend on them.

blackandblue

I know that whatever happens I am safe and his problems are HIS problems.

This statement is worrisome. By "safe" you might mean physically he will not cause you any harm. That may be true and that is also not predictable. Mentally, emotionally, spiritually- this situation IS dangerous and you are not safe in that way. There is no way to live with an active addict safely. It already sounds like from your posts that you are losing yourself in him. That is not safe or healthy.

Feeling for him, thinking for him, and also doing your part and his part in a relationship are not sane behaviors. His behaviors sound childish and your responses sound mothering. You can analyze, rationalize, and justify it to no end and the truth will remain as the truth. So why waste all that extra energy trying to figure out what is best for him? I did the same thing for a long time.

If he was in a healthy state of mind, truly cared about you, and was able to love you- he would tell you that the best thing you could do for his sake and yours would be to let him walk his own path and let him go. That this is between him and his higher power. And you are powerless over addiction and any attempt to fix things is enabling. And if you are truly meant to be together that after some considerable recovery then maybe you could reconsider a relationship. That takes time- usually years. Are those precious years of your life you want to spend with someone who will not be able to be an equal partner?

Good on you both for doing therapy. Did he choose this on his own? Did he seek it out himself? Did he call the therapist himself and make the appointment without your influence? Did he say, "I have a problem, please help." Or did he do this for you? Has he gone to any 12 step meetings or started any other form of recovery program? Have you heard of Al-anon or been to a meeting?

As someone here mentioned before- therapy does not equal recovery. He is an active addict. There is no way to have a healthy relationship with someone in active addiction. It is one of the most dysfunctional and destructive combinations- the codependent and the addict relationship. All of your actions are enabling him. Your staying, in his addict mind, means he is doing nothing wrong and there will be no consequences for his behavior. He has no reason to quit. Which means your presence is enabling his addiction, even if you pretend that you are fine and ignore him when he plays games. Another suggestion, post a question to this forum asking how many addicts found recovery while their partner was still living with them and/or still in a relationship with them.

Fortunately, you have the gift of free will. It sounds to me like you are really looking for answers and solutions which is great. But instead of looking for him. Look for you.

Addiction is so confusing and is definitely not a black and white issue. If it was easy none of us would be here. Not one person comes to this forum saying- "Wow, my life is great. I am so happy and my addict partner is doing so well being addicted. And I really don't mind the lying, cheating, stealing, manipulation, abuse, and self-destruction. It's not so bad being with someone so emotionally unavailable because he is bound to change because I want him to and I gave him an ultimatum so what choice does he have. And if I just ignore the huge elephant in the room called addiction then everything will be fine. Because he/she loves me and I love him/her. And our love is different so we will make it even though I have so much evidence to the contrary."

This in not love. This is addiction. This is not intimacy. It is intensity.

Love is letting go and giving it UP to a higher power and admitting we have no control.

Intimacy is when we are both emotionally available and mature enough to let others see our true selves and to see others as their true selves in a kind and gentle way. You cannot see him as he is because he is in the depths of addiction- which I have personally described as hell on earth.

You cannot CONTROL it. You cannot CURE it. You did not CAUSE it.

From the 3 Cs of codependency

Keep coming back! You are worth it! This recovery thing is about progress not perfection. Please read the stickies on the top of this forum. I highly recommend posts by Zoso, Cynical One, Dollydo, LeslieJ, and many others.

Praying for you!

Freedom1990

Two books I highly suggest are "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood, and "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie.

jerect

DITTO!!!!!! I've read both at least a half a dozen times and have so many passages highlighted and noted in the margins that its not even funny.. Great books though and both are must reads if you are in a relationship with an addict...

Vale

Dear 916,
More than anything else in the
world I wish it were so.I,too thought the
same things when I got here.
After alot of hard hits,it became
clear that the question is akin to asking
about the bright side of falling out of an
airplane without a parachute.
I don't think there IS a bright side
to active addiction.....and to be truthful I
no longer waste my time or resources
looking for one.
There are so many good,wonderful,
loving,successful,and happy people in this
world to spend one's time on......

Why would I?