Having slight wobble
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 237
Having slight wobble
A friend I spoke to the other day suggested the lack of contact from my X might be because he wasn't drinking. She said "surely he'd be calling you or texting like he did before when he was drunk and being selfish?". I didn't think much of it but it's been ticking at the back of my mind and slowing making me anxious.
I said no contact, I laid down the ground rules so he could be respecting that but would that indicate he was sober? A couple of months ago he texted me (I think drunk) a garbled message that he was proud of me, and loved me. So if he was still drinking, would he not drink dial or drink text? Or, has he moved past me now so even when drinking, I'm not on his radar.
That last bit hurts so much. I am making no sense as I found it so painful being in contact but now, the idea he is drinking but not even contacting me, causes me pain. Deep down, I want him to be sober and just respecting my wishes but that isn't much better.
Ugh, I long for the day I don't care but I also am scared of that day.
I said no contact, I laid down the ground rules so he could be respecting that but would that indicate he was sober? A couple of months ago he texted me (I think drunk) a garbled message that he was proud of me, and loved me. So if he was still drinking, would he not drink dial or drink text? Or, has he moved past me now so even when drinking, I'm not on his radar.
That last bit hurts so much. I am making no sense as I found it so painful being in contact but now, the idea he is drinking but not even contacting me, causes me pain. Deep down, I want him to be sober and just respecting my wishes but that isn't much better.
Ugh, I long for the day I don't care but I also am scared of that day.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
Or he actually got the message.
Or he's still drinking and has found someone else to enable him.
Or he lost his phone.
Or he's been arrested.
Or he's in a rehab where cell phones aren't allowed (my XABF was in one of those once).
It could be lots of reasons.
In my case, XABF stalked me until the issues with his health got too time-consuming for him to worry about me. Turns out he had cancer. I didn't hear from him again, although after he went into a coma his family got rather pushy, calling up my manager to try to find my new cell phone number.
Or he's still drinking and has found someone else to enable him.
Or he lost his phone.
Or he's been arrested.
Or he's in a rehab where cell phones aren't allowed (my XABF was in one of those once).
It could be lots of reasons.
In my case, XABF stalked me until the issues with his health got too time-consuming for him to worry about me. Turns out he had cancer. I didn't hear from him again, although after he went into a coma his family got rather pushy, calling up my manager to try to find my new cell phone number.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Well, if you asked for no contact maybe he's trying to actually respect your wishes?
I have been telling myself it is no longer my business what the ex does, we are broken up and what he's doing is no longer any concern of mine because he isn't my problem anymore. Letting go is difficult but I found that the "Codependency No More" book by Melody Beattie really helped me get through the obsessive thinking.
Not caring anymore is actually quite liberating....
I have been telling myself it is no longer my business what the ex does, we are broken up and what he's doing is no longer any concern of mine because he isn't my problem anymore. Letting go is difficult but I found that the "Codependency No More" book by Melody Beattie really helped me get through the obsessive thinking.
Not caring anymore is actually quite liberating....
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Maryland
Posts: 145
Hi Anon12,
Thanks for sharing. Unfortunately, I've definitely been there. My ex and I of three years were on and off 3-4 times and each time, I'd go a month or two without any contact from him; however, we had a lot of mutual friends and I would hear that he was out drinking basically every night and being very irresponsible. Whenever he finally did contact me was after a month or two of this behavior and he would make claims that he's changed and whenever I confronted him about all the things I heard he did while we were not together, he often looked shocked and finally would admit to them.
This time after having made the decision that this is the last time and I will not take him back because I want to move on and actually settle down, I have not heard from him. I went three weeks without hearing anything. I knew he moved back home to his parents and I assumed he would go back to school, to AA, and be sober because he was living at his parents and his mom is really strict. Well lo and behold, after three weeks of what I assumed was good behavior, I heard that he had not returned to AA and is still drinking and driving.
Alcoholics are hard to understand. In AA, they used to always say that alcoholics are very irrational. I find that the more I try to make sense of what they're doing or not doing, the more irrational I become myself. I heard a wonderful quote in Al-Anon: "Expectations are premeditated resentments". The more I expected of my ex to change each time, or to actually be honest, and stay sober, the more I resented him because 99.9% of the time, he didn't do what he promised. It's hard for friends and family to understand until they've been through the ringer. I had friends who for awhile kept telling me oh no he's great, don't worry, just keep at it, and after 3 years, leading up to him stealing money from my parents (yep!), that's when they finally said enough is enough! Everyone will always want you to be happy, and sometimes we the codependents have trouble identifying what truly makes us happy, especially after being with an alcoholic for so long. I find that I'm happiest when I'm away from all the irrational thinking, lies, manipulation, etc. That is when I can think with full clarity.
Thanks for sharing. Unfortunately, I've definitely been there. My ex and I of three years were on and off 3-4 times and each time, I'd go a month or two without any contact from him; however, we had a lot of mutual friends and I would hear that he was out drinking basically every night and being very irresponsible. Whenever he finally did contact me was after a month or two of this behavior and he would make claims that he's changed and whenever I confronted him about all the things I heard he did while we were not together, he often looked shocked and finally would admit to them.
This time after having made the decision that this is the last time and I will not take him back because I want to move on and actually settle down, I have not heard from him. I went three weeks without hearing anything. I knew he moved back home to his parents and I assumed he would go back to school, to AA, and be sober because he was living at his parents and his mom is really strict. Well lo and behold, after three weeks of what I assumed was good behavior, I heard that he had not returned to AA and is still drinking and driving.
Alcoholics are hard to understand. In AA, they used to always say that alcoholics are very irrational. I find that the more I try to make sense of what they're doing or not doing, the more irrational I become myself. I heard a wonderful quote in Al-Anon: "Expectations are premeditated resentments". The more I expected of my ex to change each time, or to actually be honest, and stay sober, the more I resented him because 99.9% of the time, he didn't do what he promised. It's hard for friends and family to understand until they've been through the ringer. I had friends who for awhile kept telling me oh no he's great, don't worry, just keep at it, and after 3 years, leading up to him stealing money from my parents (yep!), that's when they finally said enough is enough! Everyone will always want you to be happy, and sometimes we the codependents have trouble identifying what truly makes us happy, especially after being with an alcoholic for so long. I find that I'm happiest when I'm away from all the irrational thinking, lies, manipulation, etc. That is when I can think with full clarity.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Oregon
Posts: 138
Anon12,
You know I have wondered the same thing. I use to hear from him ex-abf just smashed and making me feel bad or saying something that I would want to hear but know he could never deliver. Then all of a sudden he told me I was a cancer in his life and blocked me. I was shocked really because I had done nothing wrong to a normal healthy man; to an alcoholic I asked way to many questions and wanted action if he really wanted to be with me and not just action I wanted no more drinking.
Then I had that thought maybe he quit drinking, did he? I went down that rabbit whole for a week until I ran right into him. He didn’t quit drinking, it was written all over his pale face, skinny body. He lost more weight at 6 foot and only now about 160lbs. Very skinny and how deeply sad.
It is so hard to not think about what he is doing but really to make you and I’m now talking to me too with this we have to have no contact to move on. It is sad and you can care if he is getting healthy that would be a life saver for him but now it’s time for you.
Take care…
You know I have wondered the same thing. I use to hear from him ex-abf just smashed and making me feel bad or saying something that I would want to hear but know he could never deliver. Then all of a sudden he told me I was a cancer in his life and blocked me. I was shocked really because I had done nothing wrong to a normal healthy man; to an alcoholic I asked way to many questions and wanted action if he really wanted to be with me and not just action I wanted no more drinking.
Then I had that thought maybe he quit drinking, did he? I went down that rabbit whole for a week until I ran right into him. He didn’t quit drinking, it was written all over his pale face, skinny body. He lost more weight at 6 foot and only now about 160lbs. Very skinny and how deeply sad.
It is so hard to not think about what he is doing but really to make you and I’m now talking to me too with this we have to have no contact to move on. It is sad and you can care if he is getting healthy that would be a life saver for him but now it’s time for you.
Take care…
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