Windancer

Last night was day 6, and I gave in and bought wine. I have no real excuse. Mostly I was bored and lonely and that is a huge trigger for me, but I also have these screw it moments where I can be positive and determined all day, and than BAM! I give in, get selfish and act on impulse. I think I have a bit of spoiled brat syndrome that Ive only recently realized. I also have a court date coming up, and Ive told my parents and my addictions cousellor I stopped drinking in Oct. (Well actually, I just havent informed them that I have drank since out of fear it would look badly to the court and may cause me to get kicked out). I feel bad about that too. I have gotten better and improved a LOT since October....but I obviously want/need more sober time under my belt right now! Since being active on this site, this is the third time Im back at day 1. . I know I can do it....and I really want to stop this, and the pattern lately seems to be Ill go several days and then drink again for one day. Better than drinking vodka daily, but still...A huge stressor for me right now is the thought of Court for my second DUI......I have anxiety issues and PTSD. Considering what I did last night I guess I dont feel too discouraged....just dissapointed in myself. Nothing bad really happened..I didnt act like an idiot, but I also got away with it and that is not a good thing to reinforce. Ive been nervous about posting this and I apologize if Im rambling a bit. My mind is everywhere today.

IndaMiricale

AA really brought me a life with the daily battle with drinking. I still get urges and thougths but I have tools to deal with them and let them pass.

I have had 3 dui's, health issues, jail, lost my jobs,home, car , love ect. None of that got me to the quitting stage till. I just finally had enough. I crawled into the rooms of AA. And couldnt of imagined what it was going to be like today.

Its Good today. Real honest Goodness.

Windancer

Thanks IndaMiracle. I try and get to AA as often as possible but it is really really hard as I live way out in the country and I obviously dont have a license. I usually manage to get to one a week or so. I try and fill in the big gaps with this site.

Thepatman

You are not rambling. I'm here also back at day2. Missed work again!

I was at the one month mark. I remember I felt alot better during. I just tought I could ha a few. Wrong, I ended up on a week binge. Now is now, don't be so hard on yourself. You did avoid some legal stuff. Run with it while you are still ahead is my modo today. I drove last weekend, don't even remember where. I could have killed a child.
Now that would be worst then my detox.

Lift your head you can do this. We all can if have enough. Detox is to hard and so not worth the 10 minutes after first drink when I feel good. Or think I do

Windancer

Thank you Thepatman. It is good to know Im not the only one with these struggles. I am actually glad I cant drive right now....I dont think I need access to a potential weapon on wheels right now. Im trying to keep my chin up! Ive got past this point before...I know I can do it again. Except for good this time.

Jen31

Windancer, the most important thing is that you are back. You dusted yourself off and got back up again. Focus on now, today. Dont punish yourself for yesterday, thats only going to keep you down. I made it to day ten, screwed up (drank A LOT) and just started all over the next day. I've not been dwelling on that, just focusing on today. I'm on day four again, still feel great and have no urges to drink.
Congratulations on not giving up!

Windancer

Thanks Jen31. I think Ive realized a pattern that occurs at least a couple hours before I give in to alcohol...I begin planning how to hide it, how to get away with it, how Im going to get it. It almost happens subconsiously but I am going to try stopping these thoughts in their tracks before it gets to the point where it actually happens. I am feeling semi-strong today though...I could be feeling worse

Elisabeth888

Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. Those really are things to watch out for.

Next time you get the urge to drink, post it! We will talk you down off the ledge.

Personally, I would not tell the court I drank. I have been in your shoes and they would've thrown me in jail if I confessed to drinking. Use this as a way to avoid drinking (avoid jail!)

It really is saying something that you came and posted this. You WANT to be sober.

Windancer

Thanks. Yes, I almost posted about these feelings yesterday and I should have. I will next time I notice the cravings creeping up. I do want to be sober. And honest. And I totally understand the HALT thing....lonely is a tough one for me!

Maylie

After my last relapse I went to my doctor feelings like a failure and he told me "It's when you stop asking for help that you should be really scared" and that has always stuck in my mind.

We all want help or we wouldn't be on here. Everyday we need to stick to our recovery plans and if we slip up just stand back up and start again. Maybe try seeing if there are things in your recovery plan you can tweak to avoid this cycle?

Windancer

Yes, Ive noticed some patterns that do indeed need tweaking. I think that yesterday i didnt post on here about my feelings because I wanted to drink and didnt want to be talked out of it (at the time). So Im learning as i go....and trying to be aware of my thoughts and thought patterns. Ill feel so relieved when the court issues are dealt with.

Lionhearted1

I know exactly what you mean about being positive all,day then bam you go and drink. The point is, if nothing changes well nothing changes.

We have to learn to change our reactions to those impulsive thoughts.

Glad your back.

TSDD

Good answer. Fact is you don't have to drink even if you want to. I would suggest you load up the refrigerator with ice cream. If you're considering a drink take a half gallon of ice cream, peel the sides down, and eat the whole thing. I have yet to meet the man or woman who has put down a jug of wine on top of half a gallon of chocolate ice cream.

Windancer

Thanks again everyone! Yeah, I am making notes about this and trying to be as honest with myself as possible. Im learning more and more about myself and how to deal with it. I love this site...its been great for me. Being more aware of my thoughts and feelings has helped me a lot. Im learning how to act thoughtfully rather than react impulsively.

pmungo

hi guys im a newie, and can relate to how you are feeling, im lying low today hiding from the world as i cant even remember what i got up to last night im to scared to ask and god only knows what the neighbours thought...again..., i am a shamed of myself, i feel unclean. and in scared of the next time.

Windancer

Wecome pmungo and thanks for the response! I have found this to be a good place.....this particular thread alone has been helpful to me. I TOTALLY understand about being concerned about the neighbors.....man have I had some crazy drunken episodes!!! I felt like moving to the other side of the world. But that feeling too gets better with time. Good luck to you and thanks again for the response...

pmungo

my longest dry spell was six weeks about 7 years ago, im just sick to death of feeling like this, man i havent had a hang over for years, just this ****** feeling every time. its funny but i thought in my messed up thinking that i was a secret drinker, havent been out for a while cus every time i do i end up doing crazy things and making the biggest pratt of myself, so drink at home where i though only my long suffering husband was awear of the scale of my problem, well i say my problem, i mean our problem me being the course of it. but in reality there are alot more people that know i like a drink, maybe not on the grand scale of it, but you cant hide these things from your family, your children, you think that would be enough to stop, if only it was that simple. but... im going to give it a real good go. Im going to go to an addition therapist for starts thats what i was looking for wen i stumbled upon this site. i figured th money i spend on alcohol i can spend on getting some help. so its on wards an up wards tomorrow is a new chapter in the rest of my life.

"THE PAST IS IN A DIFFERENT COUNTRY, THEY DO THINGS DIFFERENTLY THERE"

FreeFall

I think the most important thing I've learned from SR is how to think the process all the way through. Instead of "I really want a drink, I deserve it, I worked hard all week"(fill in the blanks for whatever your excuse is) and then shutting off the brain at that point keep going all the way to the consequences. Think all the way to the possibilities of hospitalization, dui, embarrassment, hangover, self loathing, etc. The drink doesn't seem anywhere near as appealing at that point.

It's good you're back here willing to keep working on your recovery!!

Windancer

Yeah, I thought I was the best secret keeper on the planet. I thought so often that I had everyone fooled about my drinking habits....turns out I was being foolish. Lots of people struggle with this though. Like I said, you are by no means the only one. The longest Ive gone without alcohol since I was 16 was 9 monthes....and that was over 5 years ago.
Ive learned to tell the truth a lot more now and be more accountable. As long as I lie (especially to myself) I wont get better. At least here I can be 100% honest to someone....it is hard to admit the whole truth sometimes and yet I hate feeling like a liar. Im trying hard to rebuilt trust and credibility...but I have a long way to go. One step at a time though.....Last night didnt help me feel better about that as no one knows about it except the people who have read this thread. At least Im telling someone the whole truth though.

Windancer

Thanks Freefall. Yes, thinking hard about the consequences is a very good deterrant. I made Q cards for myself just incase I happen to "forget".