lizatola

I have been thinking lately about all that has been going on. The marriage counseling, the blameshifting, the denial, the hiding of the money, the secretive behavior, etc and I am officially calling it the "don't look at me game". My AH has somehow developed the ability to have a mirror that only turns outward.

I know that none of this is funny but I'm just sick and tired of it. Yesterday was our pseudo anniversary where we had a monthly contest going to see who could say happy anniversary first. He used to pride himself in texting me first or calling me first. It was something that bonded us over the years despite all the trauma and difficulties we've had. Yesterday I texted him, never heard back. I followed it up in the evening with another text and asked him to put the taco meat on the counter away, he didn't respond to the text but at least he put the meat away.

I feel like he's trying to make me mad so that he can point the finger at me about God only knows what when we go to counseling tomorrow. I need to bring up the money issue as well because I tried to talk to him over the weekend about it but he walked away from me. I literally said, "Where are you going? I'm trying to talk to you." His response? "I'm at fault, just do what you have to do." Gee, that was helpful and productive.

Lately, he goes to play tennis in the AM and the sleeps on the couch all afternoon. It's driving me crazy because I have to homeschool my son and do housework and cook, etc and he's passed out on the couch. I'm guessing he's depressed, not sure if he's drinking or if he's trying the white knuckled sobriety again, guess it doesn't matter. I'm doing my best to just take care of me and take care of my son. My son's tics have been getting worse as they usually do this time of year because of the holiday excitement and fall allergies. He's pretty miserable so I've been researching the meds for tics and trying to find a new neurologist or doc to do some testing on him as well as finding a different chiropractor. Sigh, if it's not one thing it's another around here.

choublak

It sounds like it's all one big game of hide and seek where he's the only one playing.

lizatola

Pretty much. I could just as easily pull out a bunch of money(I mean large sums of hundreds of dollars like he did, yet I have accumulated some emergency money over the past few months but it's not much. I started this back in May when he was talking about buying a gun) and hide it, too, but I choose not to. I also choose not to badger him with the text messages or bother to ask why he didn't text me back. It's obvious he wants to be able to blame me for the demise of our marriage, it's obvious he has something to hide, and if he thinks I'm stupid he better think twice.

I'm getting really tired of the games and I think he's ticked off that I'm not confronting him or crying or getting angry or having fits or begging him to communicate with me. He thrives on conflict, he always has and it's been a huge coping skill for him that he's mastered quite well.

laurie6781

This you must bring up at the counseling session tomorrow. See what the counselor has to say. We know AH will somehow turn it back on you, but the counselor will see him do it.

Keep stashing some money. Get yourself a good 'safety net' for back up for when you do finally decide what you are going to do.

You know through all of this since his DUI and even before he is and has shown you over and over WHO HE IS, and you are still in the mode of 'hoping, wishing', he will change. Ain't going to happen. He told you who he is, BELIEVE HIM.

And then you can start working on just you, and can you live with who he is RIGHT NOW because this may be as good as it ever will get, and whether you can or cannot live with who he is right now.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

lizatola

You know, at this point I don't think he wants to live with me the way I am now anyway. Go figure, right?! He hates Al Anon, hates my counseling, hates my going to church and getting spiritually fed. Anything that changes his comfy spot in life is worth throwing under the bus. He just may want his freedom so he doesn't have to be 'responsible' anymore. He told the therapist that he wants me off his back. The therapist asked him what I've said lately to make him feel that way and he said, "Umm, nothing." Poor guy, I know it's got to be hard for him, too. I know he's angry and resentful, too. It's just sad to watch them self destruct. I pray for him daily, for God to keep him safe, and then I pray for God to be with me, as well, and I ask for strength and to be in HP's will. I am slowly working on taking care of myself, but I can't take out huge sums of money without bankrupting us.

I have a call put in for a consult with a lawyer whom I found through a friend. Her ex had similar issues and they divorced a few years ago. I need to figure out how to protect myself. Oh, and I'm going to meet with my physical therapist tomorrow to talk to him about hiring me part time after the holidays.

NYCDoglvr

Sure drunks play games and when we stay with them, we agree to play the game too.

ShootingStar1

I have a call put in for a consult with a lawyer whom I found through a friend. Her ex had similar issues and they divorced a few years ago. I need to figure out how to protect myself. Oh, and I'm going to meet with my physical therapist tomorrow to talk to him about hiring me part time after the holidays.

Lizatola, this is great stuff to be doing.

Sometimes I think your husband, like mine, is a chess player, and has figured out moves way ahead of us.

I think, having left my AH 4 months ago, this is time you can use very productively to take care of yourself and your son so that IF you decide to leave, you do so in the most protected, secure way possible.

If you don't have it, I strongly advise you to get a credit card solely in your name with as high a credit limit as possible. And since husband is mucking about with removing chunks of money from your bank accounts, you need to ask your lawyer what to do to make sure your joint assets are not dissipating, and/or disappearing.

Think about what you would need IF you leave, and put it in place now while you have access to funds, financial records, insurance policies, pension plans, all that. If you leave, and he's a chess player, he may have already cut off your access. My AH did that. First, on almost every account - banking, investment and credit card - he was the primary account holder, so he could remove me as secondary account holder without my permission. That meant I would have had no access to credit or money if I hadn't had one credit card of my own, and hadn't taken my share of a couple of bank accounts and moved it into a new account with my own name.

Doing this does not mean that you HAVE to leave, it just means that you can leave successfully if and when you choose to.

Think like a chess player, it gets you much further than thinking like an abandoned, distracted, abused wife. TWUWALTR!

I say this with great compassion and empathy for how hard it is to really come to understand and believe that these men we have trusted and relied upon are no longer necessarily acting in their family's best interests, and sometimes, not even in their own best interests. It is a mind-shift that has to happen when you want to survive living with or leaving an alcoholic.

ShootingStar1

choublak

So, even if/when he does quit drinking, he'll probably use conflict as his "drug of choice"...