Lily1918

Well, the ABF appears to be doing well in his recovery. passed the drug tests, is going to work ontime, and his finances are accounted for and there's actually some in savings. that's all fine and dandy, but I wish I could say the same for me. I crave him when he's away. what the heck is wrong with me!? Why is it so easy to take space when they are in active addiction, but then once dry time hits and they start to do well do I start checking my phone all the time and fein for his attention. I don't act on these cravings anymore, I wait for him to come to me. He always does, always calls. but still. it drives me crazy. He asked me last night why I've been working my program so much harder now, than during his relapse after rehab, asked if I was ok and how I was feeling. He's used to me blowing up his phone and not being ok with not seeing him for a week. My change in actions left him unsettled, thinking I was losing interest. It isn't the case but Im just trying to control it better and not be so darn clingy. I didn't know what to say, but it's like Im more addicted to him when he is doing well and is a more desirable mate, than when he was in active addiction and it made much more sense to detach and protect myself. So Im trying to modify my behavior and since I love fixing things I figured Id try and fix myself. thanks for reading. sorry for rambling, its just so hard to not pick up that phone : l especially when things are going well.

kmangel

Sounds like he is meeting some of your emotional needs now that he is clean and sober. Before you had to detach from him because of the addiction.

In time you may be able to concentrate more on a healthy couple relationship now he is doing better and can put you first in his life rather than his addiction. It may be too soon for that if he is in early recovery, but the day will hopefully come. If he keeps to a sound, strong recovery program your relationship is going to change. Perhaps some counseling for the two of you?

Windancer

I know how you feel! I had a similar situation. I was addicted to my ex, along with booze. Now since Ive detached and become moreindependant and things are looking better for me, and Im not nearly as clingy, my ex has switched roles and he is fiending for my attention. koodoos for acknowledging your overeaction though. That is step one!

Tarot

I heard someone once describe themselves in an Al Anon meeting as being addicted to exciting misery. I think i have been guilty of this also. I tend to equate feeling love with all the misery of it. The worse they make us feel the more we feel we love them. Yet all we want is to be happy! Its very mixed up. I have Codependant no more on order, it can't get here quick enough!

I have been praying and dreaming of having my addict clean. My dream was then to be able to work on our relationship. You're nearly there Lily! Why not work on a relationship book together?
Hugs xx

Jody675

i could be right off the mark here, but maybe your emotions have nothing to do with your ex (they are just triggered by him). my current bf has abandonment issues, while i have engulfment. i have never felt like this with anyone. its like i have always felt detached, but its very much in my face right now and so has allowed me to really see it. he on the other hand has not yet acknowledged his issues, but hey, thats up to him and i cant do anything but work on myself.

my point is, look at what the real source might be. i could have easily dismissed my own feelings and blamed it on him and not be dealing with them. my issues stem from my childhood and have nothing to do with him.

glad your bf is doing so well atm. now time to work on yourself. btw, if your bf is unsettled by your changes, then maybe you both might have other issues that are just highlighted with this shift in neediness.

Lily1918

Atm is key. we are both in very early recovery. although mine isn't substances. Im sure insecurity is huge on both ends, and that's why we get unsettled. but it is harder now for me not to jump right on that pink cloud of "everything is going to be better now"

Jody675

i know how you feel. im not addicted to substance, but i have very much been the codependent in my relationships, and am seeing the insecurity within me for the first time. my partner also has insecurities so makes our relationship very turbulent. he could easily fall into the alcoholic arena as his mum was an alcoholic and drug addict and left him and his brother when they were young. so he has a lot of abandament issues. what a great couple we make. we have a lot of fights because i dont put up with his bs, and he hasnt learnt yet that most of the issues are born from within him. i am just learning to keep true to myself and not let his insecurities pull me into trying to enable his issues. which in the past i would. apparently im insensitive and blunt, but thats because he just doesnt like me saying what hes feeling. hes amazing and i adore him, but i too have gone in this relationship just enjoying each day for what it offers, and making sure i keep to my values and beliefs as much as i can.

you keep on your program and eventually you will find the source of why behave like you do. it really is worth it in the end.

LoveMeNow

Are you afraid of losing him now that he clean? He is growing in his recovery and he will change, make new sober friends, etc. It's important that you work on you. His getting better can not mean you will be better.

Lily1918

I feel like my ABF is twice as addicting for me when he is sober. I don't foresee him leaving me, Im secure in that at least. Its hard to explain... I guess the best way I can is that I want to enjoy his company as much as I can while things are going well, because a part of me fears the day when things might not be good anymore. Its easy to not call him when he's in active addiction because I don't get anything out of it but misery, but I fight my clingy tendencies now when all is well. As of yet I haven't acted on them, He seemed to think that once he entered his recovery that I would be right back here clinging all over again, He is very focused on his own recovery and I don't think he understands fully that it was very unhealthy for me to be that dependent on him in the first place

Windancer

Its seem like you are looking at this with clarity and working through it using your head. Im sure everything will turn out ok.

Jody675

you know lilly, something that might help, is to just enjoy the today. not think about the tomorrows. it seems you want to enjoy as much as you can about how awesome your today is, only out of fear of what tomorrow may bring. the more we fear something the more likely it will become reality. your befriend is doing well, and is meeting your needs. remind yourself that is awesome and just enjoy it. if you enjoy every day on its own merit, you will find good in every day, and the likelyhood that you will be happy every day grows enormously. let go of you fear. if it happens then deal with it. in the meantime, enjoy your bf and the fact both of you are doing so well.

Lily1918

Thanks today was a bad day in my world outside of him. I hate feigning for his shoulder to cry on. you guys are all so awesome I need to go to a meeting. Its been awhile

kmangel

Do you have any hobbies that you enjoy that you can fall back on to take your mind off your boyfriend? When my son came home after rehab (he hadn't lived at home for four years prior to rehab) I began making crafts. Last year's Christmas gifts consisted a lot of handmade items. I'm not a crafty person so that was a real departure from what I normally would do. It really helped to entertain me--to not spend so much time thinking about what my son was (or wasn't) doing.

I think as with all habits--to change a habit it must be replaced with something else. If you are obsessing over your boyfriend, then give yourself something else to think about (without obsessing over that, too, of course!). Find something you like to do or volunteer your time somewhere helping others--whatever it is you would like to do.

Lily1918

I like to read a lot of books and corset things to donate to charity. puzzles and stuff like that. Your right. I need to purposefully distract myself