Jeanie84

Sunday night I sat down and put all of our finances down on paper. What we owe, what I take in, what my ABF gives me and what he takes back in a month's time frame. I sat him down to discuss what we were going to do to get out of this hole of debt that we are in. My intentions of the conversations were to show him what the expenses are and how we are living way beyond our means (mostly because of his excessive spending habits on heroin, suboxone and scratch tickets). The conversation turned into me getting more and more upset, and eventually setting down an ultimatum (which I despise doing). I saw no other option in fixing the problem that didn't consist of him getting help. He knows he needs it, has admitted to being "the problem" so, I figured why not. I gave him a list of options, including but not limited to: 1. going to therapy 2. Going to detox 3. Going to a suboxone clinic so he's not getting them off the streets 4. Telling his boss (so that his boss will stop giving him cash whenever he needs it) 5. Switching jobs 6. Quitting his job so that I can work full time and he can take care of our two month old son 7. Continue with what you are doing = FAIL
You know what he said? He said, "I know you don't want to hear this but I will try harder". I told him, ********, youve been telling me for three years that you are going to try harder and I need action. I need to SEE you changing. So, he agreed to go to an outpatient clinic for suboxone. He has yet to make the phone calls.
So this morning I get in the car to go to my part time job that I JUST started two weeks ago. There's no gas in the car. I try to cash a check at Wal-mart. They won't cash MY check for some reason. My son is already at daycare. There is no gas in the car. I have no money. I don't even have minutes on my cell phone to call anyone to borrow money to get to work.
I came home, because that is all the gas I could spare. I sit down and ball my eyes out. I call my mom and ask him to pick up my son at daycare and lend me money for gas to get to work tomorrow. I try to call my ABF to tell him THIS IS YOUR FAULT. And he doesn't answer, my guess is that he doesn't have minutes on his phone either.
I am sitting here wondering how in the hell I am going to fix this. How am I going to get me out of debt. I hope that i don't lose my job over this. I have lost respect for myself because it has gotten to this point. I can't even get to work to make money because I have no money. It's a catch 22 and at this point I feel like I am damned if I do and damned if I don't.
That is my morning so far.

Fandy

3 years is very patient of you. he isn't changing, but you can change what you are doing. Can you pack up your child and go to live with your parents? what are YOUR other options.

someone with better thoughts will be along shortly, but i wanted you to have a response.

Jeanie84

Thank you for replying Fandy.
I have two children. And if worse comes to worse yes, I could go live with my parents. Two children with a dog, and myself in one small bedroom at my parents house doesn't seem like it would help my situation. Even with everything his addiction has caused I am not ready to leave. I feel as if I want him to "fix" the situation we are in before I make move elsewhere. I just don't know how to go up from here.

LoveMeNow

# 6 should never be an option!! Leaving a 2 month old son baby an active addict is very, very bad idea.

I don't know why but scratch tickets and addiction seem to go hand in hand.

This is your life with an addict, you can not fix anything until you fix you, create some boundaries that you will enforce. Nothing changes if nothing changes.

Addiction is a family disease, and everyone in that home is becoming as sick as he is. What positive steps can you take to make a change for you today?

Maylie

Is there anyway that you can cut him off from the money you make?

Honestly, and I really hate to say this, things aren't going to get better unless you change. He isn't going to stop doing drugs, buying scratch offs, or being selfish. There was no gas in the car because HE was too concerned with spending money on DRUGS. He knew you would be screwed in the morning, he just didn't care.

Although living in a one bedroom apartment with two kids and a dog wouldn't be ideal, you would be able to save money and get a fresh start with your kids. That might be your only hope to getting out of this hole because an addict in active addiction only knows how to dig holes. He isn't going to suddenly start saving money and even if he did any of those things on the list you gave him they wouldn't work because he would be doing it for you and not for himself. You can send someone to rehab, to therepy, to detoxes, but if he isn't ready to be clean he'll just come out and use again.

Please take care of yourself and your children. Also, as stated above, please NEVER leave children with active addicts expecially 2 month old babies that fully rely on an adult to keep them alive. He is not capable of taking care of a 2 month old this could be very dangerous.

JMFburns

My son is the reason I come here, but your post sparked a memory.

I remember staying in a small bedroom of my in-laws house with my husband and two kids. I was the only one working a FT job in our family unit. The room fit a twin bed and a set of bunk beds - the kids had the bunk bed & husband and I shared the twin bed. We did what we had to do at the time . . . we had a roof over our heads and in-laws provided meals. Glad I'm not there now, but lived through it just fine.

I'll keep you and your kids in my thoughts.

BeavsDad

You don't seem to be financially dependent on him so what are you afraid of?

You've let him drag you and your dignity to the bottom, and because of the FOG (fear/obligation/guilt), you try to justify risking your child's well-being.

The old you would probably know better.
Bring her back, your kids need her help.

Jeanie84

As much as I know he is an addict. And as much of the hardships that it has brought on upon me, I still don't feel like he would be unsafe to take care of my children. Is that denial in me? He uses, he snorts it up his nose, he has been on suboxone for about a month now, and has told me (as I've suspected) a few times he was unable to get the suboxone he did use heroin again. But he doesn't use needles and I've just never been aware of when it has been "unsafe" for us in three years that we've been together. I've NEVER been able to find anything lying around the house, because I have looked, more times than I care to admit. He is fully functioning as far as his work. He just never has money. He does help me financially but not nearly as much as he should. The only reason I know is because I go through his phone when he by chance leaves it lying around. He takes just enough so that he's not sick. I'm not justifying that this is OK behavior. I'm just saying I have never felt in danger with him, emotionally neglected yes, but never in fear.
I am not sure how to get myself back. I am not sure what steps I can take. I WAS on unemployment up until two weeks ago, I got a job thinking it would help ME to feel better about myself.
I started counseling.
I read A LOT about addiction, I'm on SR everyday. I have many friends who are a support group for me.
I don't know what else I can do besides to leave. And I'm just really not ready for that.
Sometimes I wish I was but, I'm just not.
I feel very stuck because I don't know how to fix the debt we have gotten ourselves into. Let me rephrase that, the debt that HE has gotten us into.
Thank you guys for your responses. It means a lot.

Fandy

i hope it doesn't get to the point where he does something unsafe to make you see that he's not doing anything to get better. you seem to be defending him...this guy is not supporting you or his children, just his habit.

he left you without gas to get to work, a new job that you cannot afford to take time off, you might be terminated. I hope you realize that the mountain of debt is just the beginning.

maybe if you were in a normal environment you could think more clearly?

Vale

Jeanie84,

So sorry you are going through this.
But you know as well as we do that life & active addiction
have as much to do with each other as hard work & scratchers.
(e.g. polar opposites)

One is rooted in reality.....the other is rooted in BS.
Not only incompatible,but of different universes.

We all know what the right thing to do is.It is just easier
said than done.I hope that you will find a solution set that
optimizes your path to safety & happiness.

hello-kitty

To me, it sounds like worse HAS come to worse.

Only you can decide what what the future holds for you and your children. It's not up to him to change. He's an addict doing what addicts do. It's up to you.

That's really good! This is something you should discuss with your counselor - especially the part about leaving your children with a person who is using heroin. It could be that you have been dealing with this for so long (3 years is a long time) that you have become desensitized to the effects of drug use. People who are high or coming down off drugs just aren't physically capable of taking care of children. They are only capable of worrying about their own needs. That's what drugs do to a person's brain.

I'd hate for something to happen to your children while he was watching them. You'd never forgive yourself.

eveleivibe

Jeanie you need to look out for you maybe get A separate bank account.
Its up to you whether or not you want to stay with him x

Tarot

Why should you and the kids leave???? That's their home! Why not kick him out?

dollydo

The longer you stay with him, the deeper financial hole you will be in. It is just simple math, he spends more than you make, and you allow it.

You are not leaving or making him leave so, you will just have to accept his addiction, you knew he was an addict when you hooked up with him, nothing has changed and nothing will
until you set bounderies and stick to them.

My only concern is for your children, they are living in a toxic enviornment due to your bad choices.

Faithlove

Jeanie,
You can do this. Today was a terrible day. It knocked you down.

Now, look up! Your HP is waiting to help you. Your children need you to protect them.

Leaving children with an active addict is simply dangerous. Please believe everyone on here about this issue. They're your babies! I don't think anyone is suggesting he would hurt them on purpose but when people are using, they don't make good choices. You would have no idea if he exposed your babies to drug dealers, or if he passed out and wasn't able to care for them, or if he were driving with them while high....The list goes on and on.

I know you're not ready to write him off yet but if you and the babies can separate from him, you'd be a lot less stressed.

You can't save him.