I'm tired of people....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 198
I'm tired of people....
As I go through a divorce with my difficult STBXAH, I'm really tired of people telling me what I should do, and how I should think and feel.
I've done a lot of research and reading here, and personal experience tells me how painful it is living and dealing with an active alcoholic. My friends and family really don't understand the hell I went through and continue to go through as the divorce process drags on while I try to heal. Some days I'm in physical pain, or I have so much negative energy I wear myself out at the gym, or that I can break into tears at any moment.
I've done a lot of research and reading here, and personal experience tells me how painful it is living and dealing with an active alcoholic. My friends and family really don't understand the hell I went through and continue to go through as the divorce process drags on while I try to heal. Some days I'm in physical pain, or I have so much negative energy I wear myself out at the gym, or that I can break into tears at any moment.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 326
One way to stop unwanted advice is not to share information; if they don't know what's going on, they can't tell you how to think, feel, and what to do.
Is there any reason these people need who can't possibly understand need to know the details?
Are you a part of an al-anon group? Divorcing an alkie is often it's own special hell. They bring their insanity into the courtroom and make it sound almost sane, and so much is he said/she said it's impossible to prove. And for some reason alkies are just so vindictive in divorce and really find it important to play dirty. It's like their life is online or something. They really, really want to prove YOU are the problem, not them. And you don't even care (unless you have kids together), you just want out.
Most people won't understand, but you might find IRL people who have been through the same thing and will understand.
Is there any reason these people need who can't possibly understand need to know the details?
Are you a part of an al-anon group? Divorcing an alkie is often it's own special hell. They bring their insanity into the courtroom and make it sound almost sane, and so much is he said/she said it's impossible to prove. And for some reason alkies are just so vindictive in divorce and really find it important to play dirty. It's like their life is online or something. They really, really want to prove YOU are the problem, not them. And you don't even care (unless you have kids together), you just want out.
Most people won't understand, but you might find IRL people who have been through the same thing and will understand.
And Presents For Pretty Girls
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 319
Yes, people often think they are giving you the best advice based on their experiences. They mean well...usually!
I learned an important skill in coaching. And, that is although we may go through the same thing as someone else (divorce, death, etc) what worked for you may not necessarily work for me. Inside each of us are the answers we need to solve our own problems, move forward, etc. It just took someone who listened and asked us the right questions to help us find those answers.
Do you meditate? Take any time to really tune into your heart and see what it is that's right for you? Talk to a therapist or someone who does not have a personal opinion of your situation? All those have been helpful to me in the past. Maybe you have other ways that can help you.
I also found that I needed to tell my closest friends/family that I was aware of my codependency and my part I played in the R with xabf. I asked them to please not judge me or offer advice as I needed to work through this...I only asked that they be supportive by listening and understanding. Not an easy task for some of them but they try!
I learned an important skill in coaching. And, that is although we may go through the same thing as someone else (divorce, death, etc) what worked for you may not necessarily work for me. Inside each of us are the answers we need to solve our own problems, move forward, etc. It just took someone who listened and asked us the right questions to help us find those answers.
Do you meditate? Take any time to really tune into your heart and see what it is that's right for you? Talk to a therapist or someone who does not have a personal opinion of your situation? All those have been helpful to me in the past. Maybe you have other ways that can help you.
I also found that I needed to tell my closest friends/family that I was aware of my codependency and my part I played in the R with xabf. I asked them to please not judge me or offer advice as I needed to work through this...I only asked that they be supportive by listening and understanding. Not an easy task for some of them but they try!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear mmk11, I recall this so very well. Hon, you will need to pick and choose who you share with (or listen to)----But, you MUST find someone you can trust to talk to. This is just to hard to go through without understanding support. Of course, you can hang with us on SR!!! So many of us have been through the same thing.
See you around the playground!
dandylion
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
This is the hardest part of divorce, whether one person is an alcoholic or not. We have to process our pain.
Nobody can process that pain for you. Help forums, counselors, and a good friend may help you feel better. But at the end of the day it is you alone at night in the dark staring at the ceiiling, and you have to help yourself.
But this is terrific because--you alone have the power to pull yourself back up! See, it is your power, nobody else's. That's terrific becuase if you had to rely on others, they might disappoint you, and they would hold that power instead of you, which is a scary thought.
How does it feel to be just you alone? I know I am shaky sometimes with that thought. I know I am afraid sometimes with that realization. There's nobody to lean on emotionally, and somehow, I have to pull myself through it. I can try leaning on others from time to time, but I am with me 24/7, they are not.
First thing is to forgive yourself for whatever ways you were imperfect and made mistakes. His behavior, how hard it was to live with him, is not the thing to focus on. What is important is how you feel about yourself.
The best way to pull yourself up when you are feeling down is to accomplish things that you can be proud of. These things may be career related, and they can also be as simple as cleaning that bathroom that you feel badly it isn't clean.
This is hard work, carving out a new identity for yourself separate of this person. For a long time your identity was tied to him, now you have to create a separate identity that is all about just you.
Do this by being kind to yourself first. Don't chastise yourself for the ways you were imperfect. Do march forward with positive accomplishments, small and large, whatever you are capable of. Do stand in front of the mirror, look at yourself, and learn to smile at who you are. You have to learn to like yourself again as a single person. Divorce can create an identity crisis. Soar through it by taking care of yourself just as you would someone you loved who had been knocked down by something in life--help to lift yourself back up.
Nobody can process that pain for you. Help forums, counselors, and a good friend may help you feel better. But at the end of the day it is you alone at night in the dark staring at the ceiiling, and you have to help yourself.
But this is terrific because--you alone have the power to pull yourself back up! See, it is your power, nobody else's. That's terrific becuase if you had to rely on others, they might disappoint you, and they would hold that power instead of you, which is a scary thought.
How does it feel to be just you alone? I know I am shaky sometimes with that thought. I know I am afraid sometimes with that realization. There's nobody to lean on emotionally, and somehow, I have to pull myself through it. I can try leaning on others from time to time, but I am with me 24/7, they are not.
First thing is to forgive yourself for whatever ways you were imperfect and made mistakes. His behavior, how hard it was to live with him, is not the thing to focus on. What is important is how you feel about yourself.
The best way to pull yourself up when you are feeling down is to accomplish things that you can be proud of. These things may be career related, and they can also be as simple as cleaning that bathroom that you feel badly it isn't clean.
This is hard work, carving out a new identity for yourself separate of this person. For a long time your identity was tied to him, now you have to create a separate identity that is all about just you.
Do this by being kind to yourself first. Don't chastise yourself for the ways you were imperfect. Do march forward with positive accomplishments, small and large, whatever you are capable of. Do stand in front of the mirror, look at yourself, and learn to smile at who you are. You have to learn to like yourself again as a single person. Divorce can create an identity crisis. Soar through it by taking care of yourself just as you would someone you loved who had been knocked down by something in life--help to lift yourself back up.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Hi,
I am so sorry. Divorce is a difficult time no matter if your spouse was an alcoholic or not. I was a total mess after my marriage ended. People are probably trying to help you but unless you're asking for advice maybe there are some responses you can say like, "Thank you, I am handling this on my own" or something?
I am so sorry. Divorce is a difficult time no matter if your spouse was an alcoholic or not. I was a total mess after my marriage ended. People are probably trying to help you but unless you're asking for advice maybe there are some responses you can say like, "Thank you, I am handling this on my own" or something?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Portlandia
Posts: 77
I've only taken the first step (moving out) thus far, but I understand where you are coming from.
People are (usually) well-meaning, though ignorant at times. I agree with SadHeart - carefully choose those with whom you share information, if you do share. I share information only with my most trusted friends and family, who are all people who do not judge and understand the need for people to make their own way through life. I hope you have friends/family like that.
Also, it sounds to me like you are grieving, and being kind of hard on yourself for that. Grief is a big huge beast, it comes and goes as it pleases, and those unexpected tears and so forth are normal! Please don't be hard on yourself.
People are (usually) well-meaning, though ignorant at times. I agree with SadHeart - carefully choose those with whom you share information, if you do share. I share information only with my most trusted friends and family, who are all people who do not judge and understand the need for people to make their own way through life. I hope you have friends/family like that.
Also, it sounds to me like you are grieving, and being kind of hard on yourself for that. Grief is a big huge beast, it comes and goes as it pleases, and those unexpected tears and so forth are normal! Please don't be hard on yourself.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New England
Posts: 350
mmk11, all you 'should' do is whatever you determine you need to do. (although I will say that i hope you're not this hard on yourself all the time!)
I had a similar problem after I found out about my husband's affair - everyone had an opinion, and nobody was shy about telling me what I NEEDED to do. I actually ended one friendship over it as the person was unable to stop calling him names or giving me orders. I was pretty fortunate that most people understood when I said 'hey, I just need support. Please stop telling me what to do.' Depending on the person, that can work. And when it doesn't, you can edit what you tell them. Or avoid them on those days you just barely have enough energy to breathe! It's okay to do that. There will be easier days and harder days, don't push yourself too hard on the bad days.
And it's okay to cry. Take care, okay?
I had a similar problem after I found out about my husband's affair - everyone had an opinion, and nobody was shy about telling me what I NEEDED to do. I actually ended one friendship over it as the person was unable to stop calling him names or giving me orders. I was pretty fortunate that most people understood when I said 'hey, I just need support. Please stop telling me what to do.' Depending on the person, that can work. And when it doesn't, you can edit what you tell them. Or avoid them on those days you just barely have enough energy to breathe! It's okay to do that. There will be easier days and harder days, don't push yourself too hard on the bad days.
And it's okay to cry. Take care, okay?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
A sponsor once told me...
..."Don't should on yourself, don't should on others, and don't let others should on you."
At this point my friends and family actually fear saying the word "should" around me. Not because of what I might do physically, but because of the ten minute lecture I give them about shoulding on me or in front of me.
Nobody shoulds on me now. Nobody.
Cyranoak
At this point my friends and family actually fear saying the word "should" around me. Not because of what I might do physically, but because of the ten minute lecture I give them about shoulding on me or in front of me.
Nobody shoulds on me now. Nobody.
Cyranoak
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
My XA used to remind me that I was never to use the words "should" or "need" in relation to his life. You "need" to do that...or you "should" do this...
LOL... I had to use the correct verbiage as tried to control him... such as "it would so healthy and positive if you considered thinking about going to a meeting or calling your sponsor"....
needless to say all of my helicoptering always went over like a lead balloon.
It's funny how easy it is to fall into running someone else's life! I have a really smart, saavy, successful group of girlfriends and we ALL do this! LOL...
Bossy B's... that what my gang is... and learning how to back them up lovingly if they go too far is part of recovery. If someone is treading in territory that I don't want their advice I look in their eyes and tell them "Thank you so much for sharing your opinion and I will consider it... can we talk about something else?
My best friend and I are almost sibling like and we get a great deal of fun out of ribbing one another because we are both control freaks... so when she goes into sounding like my Mom I will diffuse it with a sentence like above and then say...."MY turn to critique you and your life and give you my advice on how to live your life"!
Diffusing situations, turning conversations, communicating gently are skills I am now working at improving in my own relationship development. It's part of the art of conversation and enjoying each others company.
LOL... I had to use the correct verbiage as tried to control him... such as "it would so healthy and positive if you considered thinking about going to a meeting or calling your sponsor"....
needless to say all of my helicoptering always went over like a lead balloon.
It's funny how easy it is to fall into running someone else's life! I have a really smart, saavy, successful group of girlfriends and we ALL do this! LOL...
Bossy B's... that what my gang is... and learning how to back them up lovingly if they go too far is part of recovery. If someone is treading in territory that I don't want their advice I look in their eyes and tell them "Thank you so much for sharing your opinion and I will consider it... can we talk about something else?
My best friend and I are almost sibling like and we get a great deal of fun out of ribbing one another because we are both control freaks... so when she goes into sounding like my Mom I will diffuse it with a sentence like above and then say...."MY turn to critique you and your life and give you my advice on how to live your life"!
Diffusing situations, turning conversations, communicating gently are skills I am now working at improving in my own relationship development. It's part of the art of conversation and enjoying each others company.
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
I've discovered that having kids and getting divorced are THE BEST ways to get tons of free unsolicited advice from folks you might not even know..... and here's one more piece of advice..
I'm here to tell you from some one who's on the other side, it does get better. You'll be fine. It's not easy, but it will be worth it later on.
I'm here to tell you from some one who's on the other side, it does get better. You'll be fine. It's not easy, but it will be worth it later on.
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