mkr86

Hi everyone

Im very new here, but everybody has been so helpful. If you've read any of my other posts, you'll see that my relationship with my drug addict / alcoholic boyfriend has pretty much consumed my entire life. It has literally taken the life out of me. But not before I fell madly in love with the addict. When we met he was what I thought I had been looking for. I've been with abusive man after abusive man and with him, things were different. I gave him everything I have. My heart my soul. I feel like we are meAnt to be together but his addictions are tearing us apart. I have lost who I am. I no longer work. He supports us , so he knows in a way I need him. I could work, but now I feel his addictions have escalated a lot and I don't want him to have so much time alone. Like I said. This has consumed me. I feel as though I don't know who I am anymore. I have lost ambition. Drive. I used to call him the light of my life. Now all he seems to bring is darkness. I feel like everyone just tells me to leave him but all I want to do is stay. I see my family once in a while, but have lost connections with friends as I put all of my energy into this relationship. He does not even realize how badly his addictions affect me. He likes to tell me he thinks I don't really want to be with him and I don't really care. I want my independence back. I used to work 3 jobs. Went to university. I want to have a life again. A life with him. But who knows. All I know for sure is I want to know myself again. Who I really am and what I'm supposed to be doing. I just have no idea where to start.

jerect

Start by finding an alanon meeting and getting there as fast as you can, then find the book Codependent No More and read it from cover to cover..

You are choosing to let yourself be consumed.. Make that choice right now not to be consumed with his behavior.. Your not going to fix him, your begging, pleading, asking nicely, bargaining etc.. will not make him quit using.. Only he can do that for himself when and if he is ready..

It sounds like he is already manipulating you by telling you that you don't really want to be with him etc.. He's playing on your insecurities

Start taking care of you, find a job so that you will not be sitting at home all day. All that energy you are putting in this relationship, turn it around and put it towards working on yourself..

I used to be consumed with my STBXAH's behavior.. It was exhausting.. Let him go and fix yourself..

Tarot

Mkr86 you could have written that for me....it precisely explains what i have been going through. I lost contact with all my lovely friends, have not been working for fear of leaving him alone...now i have had to sell by beloved car. But at least he didn't hit me or cheat on me like the others....how sad is that!! I have been consumed by him and trying to fix his addiction so much that I broke me. I kicked him out three weeks ago and its been hard but i have to remember who i am...who i was before i met him. I was doing well and had a great social life and far happier. He proved today how little i meant to him...i threw myself away for some one who's.one and only true love is heroin.

BeavsDad

Nope. Just a different form of abuse.

Lily1918

This is an important sentence to understand. I like thinking of it as Heroin is is wife and we are the lover on the side. My ABF called me from rehab in October and said he loved me more than anything in the whole world. I told him that's not true and he admitted he loved his drug more. Even now he says he loves recovery more. as he should, but I will always be third. God, recovery, me. or... Drugs, god, me. Im still trying to find acceptance

Tarot

My ex partner cheeted on me lot and the feelings i felt when my EXABF used were exactly the same. He would "see" his lady heroin every fortnight or so leaving me in bits. This got worse to where he was spending more time with "her" than with me. Now he has what he wants. The freedom to be with her as often as he likes. Yes he would prefer to have us both but i am not sharing my home with her! It was her or me....

outtolunch

Sounds like your picker is broken. You seem to be picking the wrong guy and doing it again and again.

Your current guy will likely end up in prison or dead given all the different substances he is putting into his body. Nothing you can say or do is going to get him or keep him clean. You are not that powerful. None of us are. If caring for someone addicted to drugs could snap them out of it, none of us would be here.

He's living his life as he chooses and it's clear you are not.

Seriously consider some therapy. You could spend the rest of your life figuring out why you are choosing and staying with abusive men or learn how to stop doing so. You are worth the investment in yourself.

mkr86

I am beginning to come to terms with the fact that until he gets clean, if he ever does, that I will always come second to the drugs. It breaks my heart but I guess I have to remember it isn't his fault. Living in an apartment with an active drug addict is so hard though. I really need to work on myself and getting my independence back. I feel like he doesn't trust me for whatever reason he has created in his mind. I've never given him any reason not to, and I am always at home. It's just so sad for me dealing with all of this. Thank you so much to everyone for the advice and words of wisdom. It's incredibly difficult living this way. We don't even spend time in the same room anymore. There is such a distance between us because of the drug use. This is the lowest I've ever felt. Yet I feel like I still need him in my life. It's like I'm addicted to him. I read the article on brain chemistry of a loved one and that's exactly what's happening to me. How can I stop it? Does going to meetings cost a lot?

jerect

MKR86, my heart breaks for you because for the past five years I've lived in your situation, only he was my husband and not my boyfriend..

For three years I let my STBXAH's addiction consume me, if only I did "this", if only I did "that", if only I loved him more, gave him more money etc.. Then maybe he would love me enough to stop using.. The last two years of my marriage I checked out, no longer cared if he used or not, just built up a wall of resistance inside of me until last week when he shoved me out of the doorway of his room after an argument that started when I caught him smoking god knows what... That was the end, my bottom, my I must get out of this relationship now before it kills me mentally or before he harms me even more.. My STBXAH is not a violent person but drugs will make people do and act in ways that you can never imagine..

Meetings are free, I believe if you search the main sight of sober recovery you can find a list someplace of ones in your area.. If you cannot locate the list.. PM me and I will help you locate one..

I see a lot of heartache in your posts, you love your BF, you don't want to leave, your scared to leave.. Been there.. It hurts..

Here is what I would do differently 5 year ago, which was 5 months after I got married btw.. All 5 years of my marriage has been addiction hell..

1) get to a meeting this week, make that your number one goal
2) read and post on these forums, no problem or issue is too foolish to post.. We've all been there and we have all participated in the insanity of addiction at one point and time with an addict.. Some posters are going to be soft and some will offer you some tough love. Don't take it as being harsh, just take it for what it is, tough love.. ( I like those replies the best for my posts lol)
3) educate yourself on addiction but not so much that it consumes you.. Just so that you realize it's a disease, that you can't fix him, love him, beg him, argue him clean.. He is the only person that can do that for himself.. He must hit his own bottom..
4) get out of the house, find a job, find a hobby, go have coffee with a friend but get out of your house everyday and away from the situation.. He's going to use when your there and he's going to use when you are not there.. Accept that and start doing something for you..
5) whatever you do, please don't marry this man.. You think things are bad now, it's 10 times worse when you marry them and 10 times harder to walk away.. It took violence for me to be make that decision.. Don't wait that long and don't think that your BF is not capable of it.. He's an addict, he's capable of anything.
6) set some boundaries with him.. Draw the line in the sand.. Know what you will accept and not accept.. You don't even have to tell him what your boundaries are, they are for you.. Besides you can't reason with an addict in active addiction.. It's not possible, don't even try...

I've written a post a lot longer then what most people will want to read..

If you ever need to talk please PM me

blackandblue

We all have really difficult things happen in our life. One choice is to face these challenges head on, seek support, and pray. The other option is to do what your boyfriend has been doing- using substances to cope with pain and suffering because he has no other coping skills for life's many challenges. Some turn to god and some turn to drugs. Some turn to loved ones and some turn to addict friends. Some turn to a counselor and some turn to total self-destruction. Some turn to the light and some turn to the dark. We have choices and he made his regardless of you.

So now is your chance to make new choices for you. It is up to you to decide what is healthy for you. It is an easy decision to make and the follow through is where we as codependent people have to do the work. Setting boundaries, reclaiming our identity, building self-esteem, and practicing self-love. You can choose when you are ready. Just like no one can force you to leave your boyfriend, go to al-anon, seek a counselor, rely on your healthy support systems, and take care of your health- even if it is the best thing you could do right now- no one can including you can force or coerce your boyfriend to make healthier choices. The only power you have is surrendering to a higher power and letting him go. Toughest thing I have ever done and am still doing. I thank God everyday that I have a new life ahead of me free of an addictive abusive relationship. Many blessings and prayers.

mkr86

Thnk you everybody for your words of advice. It's what gets me through. I have no one else to talk to about this that understands. I think after the weekend, I'm going to be brave and find a meeting to go to in my city. By the sounds of it, it could help me a lot. I realize now I'm not the cause of his drug use, nor can I be the solution. I'll keep you guys posted. Much love.
M

jerect

What about going to a meeting this weekend. Why wait till next week unless you don't have ample transportation.. Don't put off till next week what you can do today trust me on this.. Make it a priority to go to a meeting this weekend. You won't regret it.