Confusedgirl14

Hi everyone... Already posted this... But I couldnt get out of this so posting it again.. Please answer me.. To say in short my bf was a recovering alcoholic(gonna complete a year in AA) which I didnt know before we started dating. Later he said that he was an ex-alcoholic and he cares a lot about me so told me to avoid him. I was shocked to hear this but I liked him a lot so didnt take his alcoholism as a hinderance to our relationship. He loved me a lot and we were mad about each other. He even adviced me to go to Al-anon to understand him better.I never said to him whenever he tries to do stuffs with me and I thought this relationship will be forever.He was too much involved in physical activities with me and always used to say he is completely mad about me. All of a sudden he started avoiding me and when i asked he said he is recovering and is living a normal life only now.I remember him saying he shouldnt be dating me in the first place as he didnt complete a yr in AA.When asked about what it has to do with relationship he was not able to answer properly gave some silly answers and finally broke up with me. I was devasted and felt used up. He unfriended me in FB and never used to attend my calls. Recently I tried talking to him he said he never loved me and there is nothing with AA.I almost died! His attitude was so arrogant as if he didnt like me at all. I am totally confused. How can a person behave like this? I really cant decode his behavior! Please help me out I feel like dying! Earlier he used to attend meeting daily but now he is not going so often( may be he has cmpltd one yr in AA). Is it about AA as his sponsor advised to breakup with me or he really doesnt need me anymore?

Taking5

It is true in AA that it is often advised no new relationships for 1 year. Having said that, does any of this analyzing as to why he has acted like this really matter?

He either is a) a dishonest person giving you mixed signals or b) still has unresolved recovery issues and he wants to focus on them and not a relationship or c) was honest when he said he never loved you. In any case no relationship is possible IMHO.

Time to move on.

Hopeworks

Hi Confused,

I know you are hurting but sometimes we learn through pain and there is a life lesson here for you that all of us have had to figure out.

Relationships are not about "need" and when we pursue or stay in a relationship or try to make a relationship work because one partner "needs" another one ... well... it's not healthy and quite frankly doomed from the start.

So don't be confused anymore... it sounds like he is "just not that into you" and additionally if he is in AA and you are not married... run...run fast...for the exits!

Here is the very best info I can give you that will pay huge dividends... sort out why you are so hung up on this guy and cannot accept his clear signals that he does not want a relationship with you... heck...he unfriended you!

And no guy wants anything to do with a gal that has that desperate, clingy I want to stick my meathooks into you and hang on kind of persona happening...

not suggesting you get into game playing but you need to realize that men and woman are wired different and alcoholics are wired and rewired and haywired and just really messed up... usually... no ... always! lol.

the person you are looking for is >>>>>YOU! Go figure you out and what makes you complete (no it is not a guy...especially an alkie). Find a counselor, check out alanon (you might be one of "us"...lol)

Take care of you... forget the guy! OK?

redatlanta

I am with Hopeworks - run like the wind.

Take some time to read the stories on here. Its a very difficult life with an A and sometimes that is applicable to the sober ones as well.

So not having anything to do with his recovery - I would quit looking for deeper meaning here - alcoholic or not he sounds narcissistic to me. I am sorry it hurts and I know that it always hurts worse when one has been played for a fool but take it at face value. Don't blame this on the sponsor, advised not to have a relationship within the first year is true, but no sponsor can MAKE someone break up just like no person can make an A not drink. Blame it on him he sounds like a jerk.

Sorry again and take care of yourself.

totfit

Maybe he is just an *******. Unfortunately, a lot of folks including the "alcoholic" or recovery person attribute certain behaviors to the "disease" or "recovery". The truth is that all are just human characteristics good and bed. I think someone gave you the best advice above. "run like the wind" You don't want to be involved with someone like this.

Titanic

Sounds like he may be drinking again or Building Up to Drink (BUD). In any event, he doesn't want to be with you.

Have you gone to Al-Anon meetings?

Read over: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ed-help-3.html

Windancer

I agree with many of these posts, although my heart really goes out to you. It sounds like you tried very hard and cared very much and didnt really see this coming or understand it. Heartbreak can hurt so very badly sometimes. It is hard to tell exactly what is going on with him....but if you need support just keep coming back here! Take care

Confusedgirl14

Thanks for all the replies! He was the one who was constantly begging me to date him at first. While we were dating he was addicted to me..It is very difficult to accept that he is behaving so rude to me now. It is impossible for someone to change like that.. Is it because he used me for what he wanted physically? This makes me feel low and depressed....! And I really cant get it why he unfriended me in FB?

Confusedgirl14

He will definitely not drink I am sure about it..as he used to share the loss he suffered due to his drinking and his first priority in life is not to drink ever again....

Windancer

Oh sweetheart this must be so confusing to you! When someone just cuts you off it hurts like a knife. I hope you find some peace.

Titanic

Because he wants nothing to do with you, because he doesn't want you to know what he's doing (through FB or otherwise) and because he doesn't want you to comment, like, message, or connect with him on FB or otherwise.

What he did wasn't right. It isn't excusable. We feel your pain. We know. It doesn't change the above though.

Titanic

Don't bet on it. He likely isn't sure himself ... and he better not be "sure" if he is knowledgeable about alcoholism and if he is truly working a recovery program.

Confusedgirl14

It really hurts me a lot and I feel like betrayed.. Sometime I feel like not living anymore without him.. We were dating only for month but it really had a huge impact in my life.. Normal breakup are reasonable but still I cannot get why he broke up as I didnt even have a hint of it..! I lost my self-confidence...

redatlanta

Here is your answer - unless he feels like telling you (the truth) you will never know.

We standing outside and looking in have our opinions but they are just opinions. Personally I wish for the truth myself it makes things easier. It isn't always easy for someone to tell the truth. Albeit they don't want to hurt you, they don't want the conflict, or that the reason makes them look bad and they want to avoid it. That he blocked you on FB says to me - he doesn't want you to know what he is doing. How he went from being addicted to you then not? Well, it sounds like he isn't addicted to you anymore but you still are to him. Been there - horrible feeling. Confusing and illogical.

So - I hope you get the truth but I wouldn't count on it. In the meantime take care of yourself, do something nice for yourself!

TakingCharge999

I recommend "Codependent no more" by Melody Beatty, excellent book.
I used to feel this way too, I went to therapy and it helped clarify all the why's.

He sounds like a jerk, you need to find out why you find his behavior still attractive. Otherwise you will find another "man" like him and end up heart broken all over again. (Talking from experience!!)

You sound very young, take care of yourself! Your worth is not determined by him nor by anyone else. You deserve love and respect.

Hugs
PS Check out the Sticky section at the top of the forum, lots of useful reading there.

Titanic

A month. Addicted ... to an A.

Bring the focus back on You.

Hugs.

SadHeart

Re-read your last thread on this topic.

This was a relationship that lasted a total of about a month more or less. It was extremely intense it sounds like, and then he dropped you. He said it was because of AA, but it doesn't matter. You have then pestered him for answers for the last couple months and now he seems like he hates you.

You need to let him go, (because you have no choice) and if you are having a lot of trouble moving on, you need to talk to a therapist. This has nothing to do with AA, his drinking, or probably even him. It has to do with you, your needs, your coping mechanisms, perhaps even your dependency, and your expectations. The answers don't lie with him, but with you.

I feel terrible for your pain, but you are beating a dead horse with him.

onlythetruth

Confused, I know you're really struggling with this and I have a lot of sympathy for you. But honestly, I doubt you will ever know the "true" reason for this and even if you did know, it would not be helpful.

I truly think your quest here should be on letting go of this and moving on, rather than on struggling to understand.

SadHeart

This could be why. It's not normal in a month-long relationship to think you are going to be together forever, to become someone's reason to live, to be a 'huge impact' on someone else. Not in a month. You may have come off as too intense, too needy, too much and scared him off. And your desperation to have answers, certain right answers, make it impossible for him to explain to your satisfaction.

If you are this unhappy over losing a month-long relationship, you really would benefit from talking to a professional.

Confusedgirl14

Actually we know each other and were good friends before we started dating. I didnt scare him off. He used to say that he wants me forever and throughout his life. All his words made me feel that he is the one for me.