quitforme79

I was doing so well until my most recent relapse and then I failed yet again last Wednesday night. People ask me why I went and drank. I have no answer. I simply just did. Only this time, I almost died. I drove to the bar, planning to walk home. I really never drive drunk. Unfortunately however, I blacked out and did this time. There was apparently a blizzard that night and I pulled over on the grass less than half a mile from home, called my Aunt and told her I was done with life. I took 20 ativan I had prescribed by my Dr. (All of this I was told when I came to in the emergency room after an overdose and then sent to a psych ward the hospital committed me to). I spent 5 days there. I thought I had problems and now I really DO. I have a DWI, a psych record and a suicide note that the court now has on record. They found that in my car next to me...I was unconcious and my Aunt had the cops find me by cell signal. I wonder how this happened. I could say I am simply an alcoholic. Or a really sad person who doesn't know which way is up. I am so tired of trying to climb that I want to give up. While in the hospital I pulled my "everything is fine" attitude. I didn't get the help I REALLY needed because I wanted to go back to my life. Crazy as that sounds, all I have is what I do. Work. Routine. Pretending to be perfect. It's all I know how to do. I have heard in AA and here "we are only as sick as our secrets" and "the options for me are jail, institutions and death". I believed these but never actually lived them until now. I feel broken and I don't even know if I can get away from myself this time. I guess my point here is that I thought I would never scar my "perfect" record or hit this kind of bottom and yet here I am. I hope someone else can read this and see that they don't have to get this far. There's always somethings to lose. And always so much more. I am so grateful I didn't hurt someone else. I wish my path would be easier and that I would find the strength to let this demon go. That is my prayer tonight and I hope I find you all better than me.

Dee74

I'm sorry to hear all that quit.

I think, for some of us, we have to let the mask slip - we're not perfect, we don't have it all together, and we don't have all the answers....we need help.

To recover we need 100% effort - and we can't give it our all if we're holding back trying to be cool.

I'm really glad you were lucky - things could have been much much worse.
I nearly let my pride kill me - don't be like me, Quit.

I turned things around - you can too

D

Saliena

My strong is very similar but I didn't just stop at one DWI... And I didn't remember my attempt to end it til after I as so sober. Please note that you can turn this around.. For me it took AA and finding something that was stronger then myself to have faith in.

Thank you for sharing tonight I know that it isn't easy. But there is hope. I have been sober for 11 months. You truly can do this if you want this to be your lowest bottom. Believe it or not it can get worse.

quitforme79

I am really trying to get to that point Dee...a great friend of mine said to me today "You talk a great talk but you aren't fooling me and I am worried about you". I am going to see a therapist this week and I want to be completely upfront about how I am really feeling. And I agree....my pride will kill me if I don't give into it. It's just so hard when I've always had to be the strong one, which it seems you would understand. And yes Saliena, I wasn't even going to post again until I had at least 60 days because I want people here to know I am serious about quitting. Just so tired of letting others down as well as myself. BUT if I can help one person, my experience would mean even more. On and up...hopefully for real this time. Thanks guys

instant

I hope you can find a path that works for you. I am glad you came back here.

Sounds like you went out with the pills in your pocket.

quitforme79

What does that last sentence mean Instant? I should probably get it but don't lol sorry...

hypochondriac

Sorry you went through all that quitforme. Maybe surprisingly, the thing that concerns me most in your post is that you say you don't know why you drank... There is usually a load of thoughts that occur before we actually pick up the drink, no matter how small they may seem. What were you thinking as you drove to the bar? Maybe staying vigilant about those thoughts will help you stay sober x

Lionhearted1

Sorry to hear that quit also, I know how it feels, I have gone to a buy for a genuinely good time and woken up police cells wondering what have I done could it be my worst nightmare a bar fightnimhave injured or even killed someone, that's the reality for guys like me. In one instant your life can be changed forever.

But the good news is it doesn't have to be like that no more. My pride told me I was the strong one I had everything under control. You had a slip but your still breathing no one was hurt dust yourself off and start over, swallow your pride and get the help you need and deserve. Good luck...

solstice3

"Crazy as that sounds, all I have is what I do. Work. Routine. Pretending to be perfect. It's all I know how to do. " This describes my last 10 years to a tee. Work was my only sense of validation. Now I gave up that well-respected position for a mundane one in order to relocate to help an aging parent. Many years ago, I had several nights like what you describe. I think of those as in my past. In reality, my drinking is worse, but I hide it better and at home. I'm on a repeat day three and you have helped to remind me that these incidents can still be in my future if I continue to drink. Especially since I gave up the one outward sign of 'perfection'. Thanks for sharing quitforme.

Threshold

Me too quit. Hospitalization, institutionalization...I stopped before I ended up in jail, but I could see myself headed that direction. This s*it is real.

A bottle of whiskey and handfuls of pills, if it hadn't been for the immediate intervention of my boyfriend and EMS kicking my door down, I wouldn't be here to type this.

Sobriety HAS to be easier than that right?

It is.

Change4Better

I'm glad you shared this, Quit, and I hope you feel better/recovered soon. It's easy for me to think where I am now will stay that way if I continue to drink, easy for me to forget the progressive nature of this, but the last two binges, I've been a depressed and crying wreck. I used to be a happy carefree drunk. I'm worried about what happens if I black out as the depressed wreck instead of the carefree one. Reading your post made me make that correlation this morning, and it scared me in the way I needed to be scared!

wpainterw

Quit:
It's an old, old story you tell. Seems like you have come to a moment of truth. A time for decision. Hope you can get yourself into recovery. Every good wish.

W.

Natom

Hey Quit,

Sounds to me like you have come to your breaking point. I was in a very similar situation to yours. I ended up overdosing, being found by the police, taken to the hospital, given a psych assessment....and that was it. I desperately wanted someone to say 'refer him to rehab' but no-one did. And I was too messed up to be able to say it myself. Sometimes we have to hit our rock bottoms and then let the mask drop down. I know from my experience that when that happened things started getting better...as long as I let them.

Natom.

Cleopatra1

hi quit,, sorry to hear your story,, its sad that one has to be suicidal to ever get help,, when really early intervention is so much a better cure.
i dont like the statement that said "jails, institutiuons then death" ,, wow thats very silly to say anything of the sorts,, you can help yourself hun,, you just need to "WANT" it.
when you hit rock bottom, it kinda gives us a kick up the bum bum,, and everyones rock bottom is different,, but i know i hit mine 12 days ago,, after trying various forms of quitting, all failed,, until i said to myself "right this is it,, im through with all this rubbish" and i quit that day,, on a friday too,, i havent looked back, and feel great.
you can do it too hun,, have faith in yourself,, its up to you,, and we are here to help along the way,,, lv x cleo xxxxxxx

quitforme79

Thanks everyone...so much great advice here & support. I always feel so much less alone after coming on here. It's very hard to be at work today, my anxiety is thru the roof. I truly believe I need more than aa & individual therapy at this point. I'm going to look into addiction treatment centers today. Even if just for a little while to help me through this rough patch.

Elisabeth888

As crazy as it sounds, getting I trouble can be a good thing. I didn't stop at one DUI either, but you can.

I got in a heap of trouble at age 38, having never been in any before. The upside is that I had to do a ton of community service, outpatient treatment, alcohol pee tests, Aa meetings and Dui school and I couldn't drink or I would go to jail. I even wore an alcohol monitor on my ankle. This cost me thousands and thousands of dollars.

In the mean time my alcoholic cousin got in no trouble and she died of cirrhosis of the liver. I am so glad I got in trouble. I think you will be too.

Windancer

I had something very very similar happen recently. The best advice I got was that yes, it is a bad situation, but it is fixable, so try your best not to blow it out of proportion. In a few years this could just be a blip on the radar if you help yourself. I have also found that despite how much things like this hurt, sometimes they work to wake you up and initiate change. Just be glad that your heart is beating and you are breathing and no one else was hurt. Best of luck!

MIRecovery

We all have to hit our individual bottoms and there always is a bottom below our current one unless we recover. AA calls it the gift of desperation. Your story is no differant than mine or hundreds of others. It is pretty much standard alcoholic behavior. My favorite AA reading is the January 5th reading in the "24 hour a day book."

Rehab was very helpful for me because it gave me a safe place to detox and you are surronded by people in recovery. Over a period of time my brain started to clear and rational thought returned. Rehab was a great place to sober up and get educated on the nature of alcoholism but it did not keep me sober. What keep me sober was going to a lot of AA meetings and working the steps.

Remember the line from the AA Promises, "No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others." That feeling of uselessness and self pity will disappear."

AA has never lied to me and I am sober today.

doggonecarl

I am at a loss to say anything profound, Quitforme. Your despair reaches too deep for my words to help. This darkness in your heart will take you where your addiction will rob you of everything precious.

You are alive by the grace of God. For a reason, I believe. I hope you believe it too.

solstice3

Quitforme, I just reread my earlier post and want to make sure you know I wasn't minimizing the situation you were in the other night. You are fortunate to have your Aunt on your side and I'm glad you made it thru the night. The times I had in the past did involve fields and cops (and not always cars), but not suicidal activity. My disease prefers that I take the long, slow route towards death, at least for now. I thank you again for reminding me that it can pick up speed at any time.