Lily1918

I have chosen not to worry or obsess over whether or not ABF is using or clean. That being said, how do I enforce that he not be around me while under the influence without doing codie things like searching pockets and phone logs? I certainly can't take his word for it right? No contact while in active addiction. right. But how do I know which he is in?

supportforme

Lily - I've learned to go with my gut. Watch his actions, and do not listen to his words. Now when I look back at the times that I would doubt myself, I realize how sick I was really becoming. My doubt was me trying to rationalize and make excuses. What worked for me was truly going by his actions and trusting my instinct. Hope that helps.

incitingsilence

It’s a conundrum now isn’t it?

So I have to ask is this boundary of not being around him using for you totally? Or is it because you need him to understand something, or see that he needs to change to be with you?

If it is the first one then you will be ok. If it is the later you need to reevaluate your boundaries.

Why would you check his pockets or phone to confirm using? Actions will tell if he is always. And picking their truth from their lies is sick….

Look you have to remove the addiction anyway, remove that focus off if he is using or not. Look at behavior only not some cause of it either way … as that will always show the truth. Active addiction looks like active addiction recovery looks much different.

kmangel

Unless your boyfriend is in recovery, then I would expect him to be high a good deal of the time. You really can't have it both ways--a drug abusing partner that is clean around you.

Tarot

It amazes me how easy it can be to believe their lies. To question your own better judgement. What drugs is he taking? I know i could spot a heroin addicts pupils pinned pupils a mile off. But not so sure about other drug signs other than in their behavior. As a general rule though of he's an addict he's probably been using or soon will do.

Hugs

LoveMeNow

IMO, you are setting yourself up to play drug police. You will be watching his actions, checking his pupils, etc. How will this be an enjoyable time? You are going to make yourself sick, well at least I did! And even though my husband is working on his recovery, I have still caught myself looking at his pupils. Old habits are hard to break. Working on YOU just seems a lot more healthier, don't you think?

Lily1918

Agreed. I don't want to play police, but don't want to be a fool either. when he went to a 30 day inpatient program in October, I went to Alanon for the first time and have since realized I have my own recovery to work through. One of my good friends said to me "how does he treat you? Forget the drugs how he watch treats you because the fact of the matter is the harder he falls the worse his actions will become"

Is this true? Is this wise? I haven't seen any changes in eyes, but yes. he is a heroin addict and yes I find myself checking his pupils all the time.

Faithlove

Have you thought about going No Contact for a few months or so?

We have the ability to drive ourselves crazy trying to figure out if they're clean or high or lying or being truthful.

Do you trust him? Without being a detective. Do you trust him? If he's broken your trust, it will take time and actions for him to gain it back again, if ever.

Lily1918

the boundary is for me. It is there because my Higher Power wants it of me. I am sick because I do try to pick the truth from the lies. glad to say I find much more.truth than lies. Especially since the sober living house. bottom line I have been with him for only 6 months but I know now that I have been a code forever. I want to be the best version of me that I can be. The version of me that I believe god created me to be. I have a long way
to go and I feel I have only just begun, and so I am here to seek wisdom of those who are more wise so that I can really make a full recovery and either continue to allow him in if his recovery moves also, or to break away if it does not. basically, I want to grow and change and be capable of having a loving and healthy relationship, or to be alone and not be lonely because I love myself. Sorry for rambling. its hard to make sense of it all

Lily1918

I've thought about no contact but as of yet haven't followed through. Im dissappointed and ashamed to say that. I do manage to not initiate contact, and have stepped back enough to make him come to me. For example I don't blow up his phone anymore, or insist on him seeing me that day. I know it doesn't seem like much but I feel its better than it was or maybe I am making excuses for myself

Faithlove

You shouldn't be ashamed of anything! This is your life! Dont feel like you have to do what we suggest. I was just thinking how much easier it is for my AH to charm and manipulate me when I see and talk to him a lot.

You have to do the best for you. Be a good steward of yourself. You are God's creation & child. (((hugs)))

Lily1918

Aww you're so sweet but It is bad to threaten to do something and not follow through. that's what Im ashamed of. empty threats