myoldself

Maybe someone can enlighten me...my husband (also an alcoholic but will not use that word about himself) went to our first meeting together at the marriage counselor..he went last week by himself and this week I went with him. Last week the couselor supposedly asked about his drinking habits but did not seem concerned he said..well today, he asked me & I told him I believe that 95% of our issues are due to the fact that we are both alcoholics..my husbands is a very highly functioning alcoholic i.e. work is never affected but at 5pm the high balls are flowing to the tune of 3-4 or more then 1/2 to 3/4 bottle of red wine..alcohol makes him very brain dead & eventually he just passes out or as he calls it "i'm just falling asleep"..it on the other hand makes me a crazy lady which is why I decided to stop almost 4 months ago period!! When I told the couselor the above info on our alcohol consumption is asked "so do you think it causes a problem in your marriage?" I was a little shocked and said YES, I believe it absolutely does. I told him I was going to my first AA meeting today & he agreed w/me that my husband should probably go to. So off we went around noon & as we got in the car after the AA mtg my husband said he felt bad for those that told stories of losing (death) loved ones from alcohol, losing their jobs due to drinking, having legal issues over drinking..he's glad drinking has never impacted him like that & because he's never had any of those things happen he has concluded that he's not an alcoholic..i guess losing your marrige is not enough for him??? I am bewildered beyond bewildered to his take of the AA meeting and his conclusion...I just said "ok???" and have now been given the silent treatment for the last two hours...please give me some words of wisdom..please!!!

lilgolden73

He is in denial...I.don't have any wise words, it never affected me that bad either but that's because I was lucky..guess he doesn't see that yet.

Jen31

Unfortunately, until he's ready to admit he has a problem, he will be in a state of denial. You can't force him to see the problem, stop drinking, understand your side, etc... unless he is willing. In my case (I'm an alcoholic) my husband was on me constantly about my drinking. So, in turn, I hid my drinking from him. I ended up drinking MORE than before. Just keep up the counseling and maybe he will come around.
I'm praying for you and your husband.
Also, congratulations on becoming sober!!

FamilyMan2153

I was him 8 months ago. I had no legal issues and no health issues so I kept drinking. That was 2 OWI's ago, I am about to go to jail which will cost me my job. The sad thing is that even if someone had told me this would happen (and they did) I would not have stopped until I started being honest with myself. It is a crappy, selfish disease.

MIRecovery

Alcoholism is the disease of denial

scamp6

Congratulations on the almost 4 months of sobriety. That is a huge accomplishment and you should be very proud. I do agree with Jen, he will be in denial until HE is ready to admit he has a problem. Just keep going to your meetings and counselling and work on your sobriety. Will be thinking about you two.

myoldself

thank you everyone...someone said today in my first AA meeting that it is a "selfish" recovery in that you have to save yourself...I'm hoping as we go along to lead by example and not nagging.

Delilah1

Hi Myoldself,

First, congratulations on four months, that is great. I am on day 32 today, and my husband has been supportive at times, but I don't think he fully gets it. He too is an alcoholic and is attempting to moderate his drinking. I have made some comments (okay, a few too many comments) because he said he is planning on cutting down.

I know I need to stay sober for me and for my kids. I love him dearly, but can't force him. Stick with the meeting and counseling and focus on you.

DayTrader

Death, jails, dui's, losing loved ones, losing marriages, drinking half a bottle.....3/4's of a bottle.....a whole bottle.... -- all common occurrences in the life of an alcoholic but no external consequence has any importance in determining if one is an alcoholic according to the definition AA uses.

My sponsor never lost a job, he did lose a marriage though, and only drank about 8x per YEAR. He's a stone-cold alcoholic.

One of my best drinking buddies........fired multiple times over drinking and being drunk, been to treatment, spent a year in jail as the result of drinking, lost a marriage too... He's not an alcoholic. (although it sure seems he's studying hard to be one...lol)

Hit up some different meetings if you can. Sounds like most of what you heard was drinking stories / war stories. I'd also recommend the "12 Step" section of this website. There are some fine AA members online here who'd be more than happy to help define what alcoholism is and isn't......and how to recover from it.

FreeFall

Welcome and congrats on a great start so far! None of those things have happened to your husband YET. At the very least, try to show him that it is a progressive disease and he has the symptoms. It would be great if you could quit together. He's willing to go to counseling and try meetings which is a sign he wants to keep the marriage together. He doesn't have to call himself an alcoholic to get healthier either. See if he'll spend some time here on SR learning more about your mutual addiction.