Ms.TimmyV

It's a constant reminder of the decisions I've made. I made a choice almost four years ago to get off the crazy train. Since I have made that decision, things have been going really well for me. I'm doing well in school (which is total shock to me as I've never stuck with it this long. I might actually get my degree), my family life is quiet, and I am happy. I beginning to feel like the 35 year-old woman I am instead of the eternal teenager (I think that's where maturing stopped) I was.

I don't have a lot of friends because I refuse to start new, unhealthy friendships. I am friendly with a few people in my running group, but that's it as far as new friendships go for right now. I'm letting my old friendships run their course, and if they fizzle out, I let it. I've noticed that once I decided to stop feeding into the "crazy" (gossiping, meddling and being used as a dumping ground for problems that are not my own) there really isn't much left. I have taken time to really understand what a healthy relationship is. I always had a propensity to gravitate towards dysfunctional people with nothing to lose. I have left the alcohol and drugs alone, and I am learning how to deal with my own life instead of turning my focus to the lives of others.

It's all good until I start poking around on Facebook. I start to question myself; am I being dramatic? Did I reeeeally need to put this distance between me and my family? Did I over react? I see everyone hanging out and having a good old time, but I am absent from those pictures. To be honest, I feel a little sad. But then I remember the reasons.

Am I the only person that goes through this from time to time?

EveningRose

Do I go through it? Mostly no, but sometimes yes.

It's interesting how you have seen your life get healthier since pulling away. So have I, in many ways. And my home life, too, I think is more peaceful.

I tried to de-friend one sister (tried to, snort, yeah, I know, it's easy to hit the UNFRIEND button) because twice she posted veiled references to family issues regarding me, and then sat back watching her friends sympathize (we can all guess she knew exactly how that would feel to me when I saw it, as everyone patted her on the back for having to deal with That Person that I knew was me even if they didn't.)

She had a fit about being defriended and a couple weeks later sent a friend request. I accepted in a pathetic attempt to keep the family peace, such as it was...I guess that means an attempt to keep the hordes off my back.

I think I somehow blocked my view of her page and just never looked at the other siblings. I limited their view of my page, not realizing I'd set it up so they got a view of a blank page. I think it took all of 12 hours for all of them, led by a cohort, to send me a very snippy and lecturing PM about how I 'wanted to see everything on their page' but blocked view to mine.

Sigh.

I figured it would only add fuel to the fire to let them know I'd blocked my view of THEIR pages, too.

Once again, I gave them what they wanted to get them off my back.

I continue to never look at their pages, as I always (never?) did. But things pop up on my home page or my kids tell me what was posted. One sibling has a picture of himself and the others as his profile picture--everyone but me. Yeah, yeah, it's my own fault because I'm being the problem child aGAIN, who challenged the family roles and didn't accept my place.

Yes, sometimes it makes me feel sad. But then one sibling does something really explosive and cruel to a family member on facebook, gives them a public chewing out, and I remember why I walked away and that I'm better off this way.

I, too, don't go out looking for friendships, but I joined a group in my field of interest a few years back and have made friends. Those that aren't healthy friendships...well, I guess I realized how few friends I actually had outside of my immediate family and ex-husband. I have one friend I sort of make little effort for because she constantly interrupts me (ie, I'm sorry, did the middle of my sentence interfere with the beginning of yours???)

The other people I spend time with don't gossip or run people down. You know that saying: Small minds talk about people. Medium minds talk about events. Great minds talk about ideas.

We talk a lot about ideas. I can't even think of a time when this group of people has run someone down or talked about them negatively behind their backs. It's refreshing and enlightening and wonderful after years in an alcoholic family where it's all backstabbing, gossip, bashing, triangulation, and negativity.

Mracoa

I've avoided that problem by avoiding facebook. I highly suggest deleting your account. Problem solved.

If someone really wants you to attend an event, they will call you and tell you about it. And if you miss a family party because someone 'forgot' to invite you, or only posted it on Facebook, are you really missing anything important?

Between snail mail, work email, home email, work phone, home phone and mobile phone there are enough ways to contact me. I don't need a seventh. You may not be 'hip' or 'in', but you will survive. You might go through some initial seperation anxiety, but you'll get over it.

And those nasty conversations they are having when you are not there to defend yourself will stop too. Why? Because you are not there to be baited into the debate.

(Disclaimer - I hate Facebook. With a passion. Really and truly hate it.)

farfaraway

I read about a study awhile ago that concluded the more people look at Facebook, the more sad they become and the more convinced they are that other people have it better than they do. I have a facebook because I live in a different country from most of my family and friends and it's the easiest way to stay in touch.

My drug addict sister had a baby two months ago and Facebook shows her baby shower, the adoring mother, the doting grandparents, the proud uncle. The only one missing is me. She unfriended me, but I can still see her pictures but I will myself not to look. They all look thrilled and normal, but I know better. Unless a miracle occurs, the other shoe will drop soon.

EveningRose

I've read the same study. Of course, that changes a bit when you realize, as YOU have, that things are not always what they appear. I look at the ups and downs in my own life, and know well that I don't air dirty laundry on facebook, and assume that others do likewise, and their lives are no better than mine.

Like you, I keep facebook as a convenient way of keeping in touch with many people far away. I also use mine to network, so I can't really get rid of it.

Scolova

I'm coming up on 14 months and get those little 'hints' from time to time.
My brother came into town this weekend (for our mother's funeral) and he brought weed and the beers with him (and he knows I am a recovering addict of both). It was there for the taking and deep down inside my brain I longed for it, but I just didn't want it enough to destroy all of the progress I've made... destroy my life. I came close to taking the beers out back and shooting them with my pellet gun, but moved on and did something else.
My new girlfriend, who I (re)connected with on facebook, doesn't drink when she's with me, but I've told her that it won't bother me if she did. "I did not get sober by being a prohibitionist."
It comes down to us. I kind of feel sorry for those who still waste their time, money and effort in pursuit of their fix\good time.

(I have blocked people on FB and do not miss them at all. Even cousin whom never treated me with an ounce of respect will just see a blank page when they search for me.)

Kialua

Ugh facebook. I keep mine mostly professional, with contacts from around the world. The I have a few relatives and friends. The relatives I had to find and friend and the decided to not do that again. I have a VERY unique name and everyone knows it. If one would look up my name online, it comes up me and maybe less than 10 others in the US. So they know where I am if they want me. Obviously they don't.

But I don't "use" fb at all. I don't post cute sayings, I don't post what I had for dinner, I don't post politics. I do post some art once in a while. I "like" some others stuff.

But when I do look at my sibs it does make me sad. But what I do is mark Hide Story and then their pages don't show on my feed. Problem solved, they don't know and I don't see it.

VickiACA

To the OP. The phrase - "Comparing our insides to other peoples outsides." comes to mind after reading your post. And yes I get a little sad when I fall into this trap.

Vicki

Ms.TimmyV

Yes! I totally agree with you on this one. Other people drinking around me really doesn't bother me. I know this sounds crazy but I had a bottle of Sangria in my fridge for about a year. My mother-in-law brought it over for herself and forgot about it. I poured it down the sink because I needed space for my milk.

What would trigger a relapse for me is a mash up between being really uncomfortable and feeling a lot of angst, watching people get to' out the frame (drunk is an understatement) and forcing myself to be a part of a situation I have no desire to be a part of, but society and my own guilt forces me to. The alcohol and pills helped it along. So all of that together, which a day with my family would have been, would have been a precursor to falling allll the way of the wagon and down the trail somewhere. That would have hurt the family that I created, and that's a no go.

But back to Facebook, don't get me wrong; no one is intentionally tormenting me. I'm doing it to myself. I think we have read the same article when it comes to FB, in fact, I had to write a paper about it. The fact of the matter is when you're estranged from your family it's a lot tougher to watch their lives continue (as crazy as it may be, and as crazy as you KNOW it is) on without you. You dream up an imaginary relationship that A) never existed, B) could never exist without some serious counseling and C) does even exist between the active family members. Then you say, "Oh that's right," and move on.

I do like Facebook. I like to see pictures of my baby cousin, or chit chat with old friends that have their heads on straight, or crack a couple jokes with old co-workers. But every now again something will pop up in my feed that will leave me feeling sad-ish. I thought about deleting it, but what would that do? I simply need to learn how to deal with my emotions, even the tricky ones that the smiling faces on Facebook invokes.

Ms.TimmyV

You are 100 percent correct, Vicki. It is a trap! The funny thing is shortly after I started this thread my cousin called me, and started to tell me about the drama the ensued. I whispered, "Sweet Jesus" because what took place is exactly what I knew was going to take place. That's another good thing about growing up. You learn to trust your own judgement, and how make the best decision for yourself no matter what.

I don't know if this makes sense, but for a long time, I wasn't really sure what I was comfortable and uncomfortable with; I never allowed myself to work it through. I just threw some mind altering substance down the gullet and followed the flock.

NWGRITS

I don't watch other people's lives. Problem solved. I blocked them and locked down my page. I don't see them, they don't see me. Simple as that. I don't feel like I'm missing anything, and I really dont care what they think about me.

tromboneliness

Sure do. But just unfriend them and forget it. Remember, Facebook is not life.

And it is "comparing your insides to others' outsides." From looking at my Facebook profile (which is a lot), you would have no idea how depressed and unhappy I am a lot of the time. That doesn't mean my FB persona isn't real -- it's just what I want my friends to see, in public.

I've used FB to find many dear friends I thought I had lost forever -- it's great for that. But Facebook is not life! Remember that!

T

Ms.TimmyV

I'm not comparing my life to the lives of others, nor do I have an issue with people who I've allowed to see my page to well, see my page. People who I truly do not like are blocked; no muss, no fuss. I do have a cordial relationship with my family, I just do not interact with them.

What I'm saying is there are times when family members, or friends of family members will post pictures of family events (like in this case, a memorial service) and I am missing from the pictures. I used to be there, but I'm not anymore because of the decisions I have made, not because they told me to get lost. That's what makes me sad, and makes me wonder if my decision was a wise one...at first. Then I think about the reason why I have chosen to stay away, and it passes.

EveningRose

This is exactly how it is with me. They didn't tell me to stay away. I chose. And sometimes, I remember the reasons why more clearly than other times.