Am I the cause of his relapse?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Albuquerque, NM
Posts: 11
Am I the cause of his relapse?
My husband and I have been living in different states for months now. I was forced to move back to another state because of an open court case I have. His drug use has nothing to do with our seperation.
I've been gone since March but have gone back to visit several times. One time that I had gone back and he had been clean for a month just out of rehab. While I was there he found a way to steal some money and get a car and got heroine. I was asleep and he told me he was going to take the dog for a walk and I let him go alone. I shouldn't have left him alone knowing he was still fresh off the drugs.
Another time he was planning to come to me and had his plane tickets and everything. A week before he was to come here he did it again and this time got arrested.
He went back to rehab and got probation for his drug arrest. He started an affair in August and didn't tell me about it until the 1st of October. I was completely shocked. I had no idea. He said he wanted a divorce but the affair was not the reason for his decision.
I told him we needed to talk about it and went out there to see him about 2 weeks later. Before arriving there we talked and he said he still loved me, but we were not healthy for each other. At first he wasn't willing to see me but after talking to him he said he would see me and we could talk it out.
I did go out there with very little money and not a real plan of where I was staying or how I would get back home.
I get there and we are completely happy and in love and back to being the happy couple we always were. I saw him every day for 3 days and we talked. On the 5th day he left the rehab center, took the train, and found heroine. He ended up ODing. I was asked by his family to go home. I asked to see him before I left and he agreed. He said because I had shown up he relapsed. He said he can't see me without him relapsing. I asked what it was about seeing me that made him do it and all he says is 'I don't know'
How can I be the problem? What is it that I have done everytime for him to steal money and go get high? He says he loves me and he's not going to divorce me but I can't see him in person or he'll relapse. We talk on the phone daily and even chat in IM.
What do I do? What is it about seeing me that gets him to go through the trouble of finding drugs? I don't get it.
I've been gone since March but have gone back to visit several times. One time that I had gone back and he had been clean for a month just out of rehab. While I was there he found a way to steal some money and get a car and got heroine. I was asleep and he told me he was going to take the dog for a walk and I let him go alone. I shouldn't have left him alone knowing he was still fresh off the drugs.
Another time he was planning to come to me and had his plane tickets and everything. A week before he was to come here he did it again and this time got arrested.
He went back to rehab and got probation for his drug arrest. He started an affair in August and didn't tell me about it until the 1st of October. I was completely shocked. I had no idea. He said he wanted a divorce but the affair was not the reason for his decision.
I told him we needed to talk about it and went out there to see him about 2 weeks later. Before arriving there we talked and he said he still loved me, but we were not healthy for each other. At first he wasn't willing to see me but after talking to him he said he would see me and we could talk it out.
I did go out there with very little money and not a real plan of where I was staying or how I would get back home.
I get there and we are completely happy and in love and back to being the happy couple we always were. I saw him every day for 3 days and we talked. On the 5th day he left the rehab center, took the train, and found heroine. He ended up ODing. I was asked by his family to go home. I asked to see him before I left and he agreed. He said because I had shown up he relapsed. He said he can't see me without him relapsing. I asked what it was about seeing me that made him do it and all he says is 'I don't know'
How can I be the problem? What is it that I have done everytime for him to steal money and go get high? He says he loves me and he's not going to divorce me but I can't see him in person or he'll relapse. We talk on the phone daily and even chat in IM.
What do I do? What is it about seeing me that gets him to go through the trouble of finding drugs? I don't get it.
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
First of all welcome to SR ((((HUG))))
NO!!!! You didn't cause him to relapse.. NO!!! You didn't cause him to have an affair.. He's made these choices all on his own.. My guess is that he didn't relapse, that he's been using all along and used you being there as an excuse.. Addicts are like that, they lie steal, manipulate and cheat and the further they progress in their disease the worse off they get.. I love the , i just happened to find herion on the train on my way to rehab.. one typically doesn't find herion in a train, typical addict behavior...He says that he loves you, honey if he loved you he wouldn't have had an affair.. The only thing he loves his is drugs...
Repeat after me, NO, NO, NO, this is not your fault .. You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it....
What are you doing for you? How are you taking care of you? What are your boundaries? Please take the focus off of him and put it on you...
NO!!!! You didn't cause him to relapse.. NO!!! You didn't cause him to have an affair.. He's made these choices all on his own.. My guess is that he didn't relapse, that he's been using all along and used you being there as an excuse.. Addicts are like that, they lie steal, manipulate and cheat and the further they progress in their disease the worse off they get.. I love the , i just happened to find herion on the train on my way to rehab.. one typically doesn't find herion in a train, typical addict behavior...He says that he loves you, honey if he loved you he wouldn't have had an affair.. The only thing he loves his is drugs...
Repeat after me, NO, NO, NO, this is not your fault .. You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it....
What are you doing for you? How are you taking care of you? What are your boundaries? Please take the focus off of him and put it on you...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 115
Sorry to hear he is putting you through this sweety You have to remember that most of what he says is likely to be a lie...it sounds like he is just using you as an excuse to himself to use and to make you feel sorry for him. Its all lies and manipulation with them.
It is certainly not your fault! You didn't cause it, you can't cure it....
Staying in a world of lies blame and manipulation makes them feel justified to use for some reason. Its their reasons, i think they feel better about doing it if they have their reasons....if they don't then they have to face the facts....and they don't like facing the facts!
Forget what he says...look at his actions...his words are lies and blame, his actions are the truth!
Try not yo worry and take care of yourself.
Hugs
It is certainly not your fault! You didn't cause it, you can't cure it....
Staying in a world of lies blame and manipulation makes them feel justified to use for some reason. Its their reasons, i think they feel better about doing it if they have their reasons....if they don't then they have to face the facts....and they don't like facing the facts!
Forget what he says...look at his actions...his words are lies and blame, his actions are the truth!
Try not yo worry and take care of yourself.
Hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Albuquerque, NM
Posts: 11
He left rehab and took the train to go get the heroine. He didn't just find it and he didn't try to make it sound like he did either. Though it is possible he could have been using this entire time I doubt he was. He is an impatient and does not get to leave very often. That may be just me giving him the benifit of the doubt and blinded by love but I can't help it.
I am starting to look for help for myself and focusing more on my mental health. He is my husband so he will continue to be a concern.
I am starting to look for help for myself and focusing more on my mental health. He is my husband so he will continue to be a concern.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
He is an addict, he is a cheater, he steals from you, he lies to you....what is your deal breaker? Why do you stay with him?
You do not make him use, he uses because he is an addict.
Take some time to read cynical one's blogs and the stickeys at the top of this forum. It will help, you need to learn about addiction, knowledge is power.
You do not make him use, he uses because he is an addict.
Take some time to read cynical one's blogs and the stickeys at the top of this forum. It will help, you need to learn about addiction, knowledge is power.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 528
You are not responsible for his choices. He will not get clean- by clean I mean actively working a recovery- not just abstaining for awhile, until he starts taking respondibility. His parents putting responsibility on you is wrong and not helpful to him.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 115
My heroin addict has been using for 17 years. He used to and up 5 times a day. He would go to jail regularly and be clean in there for months but always come out and get back on it because he wasn't on a program. Since being with me he cut down to using only once a fortnight after a stint on subiutex but withme but with no program this once a fortnight gradually became once a week. I have kicked him out for good now and he seems to be loving the freedom of being able to use everyday. Without a program I believe there is no hope hunny. Sorry. Hugs
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 115
Very true too Finding Erica his family should not be putting it onto you hunny. My addicts family made me feel i should take mine back. Through their pressure and my guilt i did and ended up with more months of misery and heartache....thanks to them for that though i can understand why they did do that! But it has not helped him in the end and certainly didn't help me. I have decided to tell him i won't have anything more to do with him until/ unless he starts working his as off on his recovery. I need to think of the damage it does to me and stop trying to help some one who doesn't want to help themselves!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 598
When any of us do something that we know we shouldn't do, what is our response? Many times we blame others for our failures. It's human nature not to take responsibility for our actions. That's what is happening with your husband. If he was working a strong recovery program such as a 12 step program he would eventually come to realize the truth. Right now he doesn't want to face the truth so he blames you. Abusive husbands blame their wives--say they "made" them abuse them. Not true. However, too often the wives accept the blame.
His addiction is not your problem to solve. You do have a problem to solve, though, and that is learning all you can about addiction and getting help for yourself. There are support groups for friends and family of addicts. Get yourself to such a meeting and begin learning the truth. Replace the lies with the truth and begin to heal yourself.
His addiction is not your problem to solve. You do have a problem to solve, though, and that is learning all you can about addiction and getting help for yourself. There are support groups for friends and family of addicts. Get yourself to such a meeting and begin learning the truth. Replace the lies with the truth and begin to heal yourself.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 654
Please don't let him put this on you. I am a recovering heroin addict and let me tell you, the only reason I used was BECAUSE I WAS AN ADDICT AND I WANTED TO GET HIGH AND ESCAPE REALITY. He doesn't use because you come to visit, he uses because he wants to be high.
He is NOT in recovery. No one in recovery steals, lies, or cheats. If anything, he is using you as an EXCUSE to use. If he is in impatient and gets to leave to see you , he is using getting out to see you as a reason to go find heroin.
I understand he is your husband and that you think he should be a concern, but you are his wife and he has made a choice to make heroin his concern. For as long as he is using he will lie until his death bed and continue to blame others for his addiction.
Do you have any boundaries? What will be your breaking point?
You said you shouldn't have let him leave on his own to 'walk the dog'. That isn't YOUR responsibility. It isn't up to you to watch him. In fact, if you started watching him he would just get better at lieing. You can't control hsi use, you can't stop his use, and you def. can't love the addiction out of him. Nothing you do will stop him from using, in fact the longer you don't make him have consequences for his actions, the longer he won't realize that he needs to stop using. I know you instinct is to stand by his side and love him, but the longer you stand there and don't set boundaries and don't make him have consequences for cheating, lieing, stealing, and using the longer he will continue to be a drug addict.
We all wish that these things weren't true, but unfortunately they are. I know first hand how addicts think, and the longer those around me didn't make boundaries and didn't make me have consequences the more I thought being a heroin addict was okay.
I'm sorry you are going through this, and please remember that you didn't cause it. Continue to read and post on here. The more you learn about addiction the more you will learn to focus on you and to make sure that you are okay before you worry about him
Hugs
Maylie
He is NOT in recovery. No one in recovery steals, lies, or cheats. If anything, he is using you as an EXCUSE to use. If he is in impatient and gets to leave to see you , he is using getting out to see you as a reason to go find heroin.
I understand he is your husband and that you think he should be a concern, but you are his wife and he has made a choice to make heroin his concern. For as long as he is using he will lie until his death bed and continue to blame others for his addiction.
Do you have any boundaries? What will be your breaking point?
You said you shouldn't have let him leave on his own to 'walk the dog'. That isn't YOUR responsibility. It isn't up to you to watch him. In fact, if you started watching him he would just get better at lieing. You can't control hsi use, you can't stop his use, and you def. can't love the addiction out of him. Nothing you do will stop him from using, in fact the longer you don't make him have consequences for his actions, the longer he won't realize that he needs to stop using. I know you instinct is to stand by his side and love him, but the longer you stand there and don't set boundaries and don't make him have consequences for cheating, lieing, stealing, and using the longer he will continue to be a drug addict.
We all wish that these things weren't true, but unfortunately they are. I know first hand how addicts think, and the longer those around me didn't make boundaries and didn't make me have consequences the more I thought being a heroin addict was okay.
I'm sorry you are going through this, and please remember that you didn't cause it. Continue to read and post on here. The more you learn about addiction the more you will learn to focus on you and to make sure that you are okay before you worry about him
Hugs
Maylie
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Albuquerque, NM
Posts: 11
Originally Posted by outtolunch 
Are there children involed in this relationship?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Albuquerque, NM
Posts: 11
Not that it helps the situation but he didn't steal from me. He stole the money from his mother and had it for 2 days before he went out and bought the drugs. He had been clean since mid July before this last incident.
I understand I need to find help and I do want to stay by his side. He is all I ever really had and now I am alone to deal with this all and making sure my daughter doesn't know whats going on.
I understand I need to find help and I do want to stay by his side. He is all I ever really had and now I am alone to deal with this all and making sure my daughter doesn't know whats going on.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by xyz123
I have a 3 year old daughter. I can probably already guess as to what you are going to say but I still want to hear your input. It's helpful to hear it all.
Your daughter deserves better than this and you are the only one who can give her a safe home.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 311
Unless you personally forced him physically to take drugs then the answer is most absolutely definitely 100 percent NO! All his fault. Completely his problem. Do not let him make it about you. I believed that kind of manipulation and abuse from my ex and it destroys you. Bless him and release him.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
If we were powerful enough to "cause them to use" then we could be powerful enough to "cause them to get in recovery"
We are neither ~
each person has a choice - to seek recovery or to allow the disease to control their lives ~ that includes co-dependents also ~
wishing you the best on making the healthiest choice for you
PINK HUGS,
We are neither ~
each person has a choice - to seek recovery or to allow the disease to control their lives ~ that includes co-dependents also ~
wishing you the best on making the healthiest choice for you
PINK HUGS,
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