ShootingStar1

Left my porn addicted alcoholic abusive destructive narcissist of a husband 4 months ago. It was the right thing to do. It was the only thing to do. It is done.

Now I need to suck it up and get on with my life. For the past 10 days, since the first divorce Court Hearing a week ago Friday, I have been wallowing in how difficult this is. How damaged I am. AH sent me 2 e-mails that seemed to be about minor house stuff, but had disturbing messages in them. It was like letting a Trojan horse into my mind, into my emotions.

He said he had figured out why he did all those terrible things to me, and he seemed quite proud of himself. Proud that he figured it out. He believed that he was a "train wreck waiting to happen" and his psychiatrist blew it and should have figured it out. It seemed that AH's "insight" into his bad behavior (years worth of the most obnoxious, vicious, destructive trashing the core of my being), plus the two words "I apologize", plus the exclamation point at the end of "I apologize!" have now evened the score with me.

I tanked. I fell into deep depression. I knew something was wrong with his "logic" in his e-mails, but it hooked me.

Well, with some real help from my friends, here on SR, my son, my daughter, I have returned to reality.

It has been as if, even in leaving him, he carved out an emotional space into which I found myself trying to fit. I was to be the obsequious recipient of his grand insight, bowing down yet again when the great man took control and with his greater wisdom, explained what had happened to me, why it happened, and that it was now done.

I can just see him brushing the palms of his hands together saying "All done" like we used to when the dogs had finished their treats but were looking more. "All gone, doggie". "All gone, ShootingStar1". "Go lie down." "You've had your treat. Don't bother me any more."

What the h%ll is the matter with my head? I do not have to live a lugubrious life, stuck in his mindset anymore. Ever again. Why would I ever lie down and let life run over me? I am not tied to the tracks of his train wreck.

I do not have to live a mournful life of half empty because that's how he wants it.

I do not have to live without because he will get far too much of my retirement in the divorce settlement once the lawyers and court gets done.

I just have to wake up, smell the roses, decide what I want to create next, and DO IT. I have done this before. I have succeeded when the odds were bad. Time to do it again. Create something out of nothing. That was who I was, that was what I did before I met him.

I do not have to dribble away my capacity for creative action, my propensity for creating results, just because he has set limits in his mind (and mine) as to what I can accomplish, who I can be.

I just printed out what I said above. I will post it on my wall. I will repeat it here, just because it is what I need to KNOW, need to BELIEVE, need to DO. I NEED to stay in this mindset. I need to remember this, internalize it, make it the core of how I think, what I do, how I feel.

He's toast. It's on me now, and bring it on.


ShootingStar1

thislonelygirl

glad you printed this out and have realized that because he says it doesnt make it so. you did it before him you can do it after and he is the mess not you.
good luck in your recovery . i can tell that youd didnt even need my confirmation or reply as you know inside that you are stronger than he has you believe.

Rosiepetal

Shootingstar, yes you can do it.
Go for it my friend.
Thanks for sharing.

grammyb

We're there for you ......you can do this. Also thanks for the words of inspiration,

dollydo

Wonderful post, a keeper for me. You will fine, I just know it!

keepingmyjoy1

Love your post! You are an inspiration.

lizatola

Thank you for your inspiring words. You have the support, you have YOU, and you have a Higher Power who are all in your corner. It's hard when any relationship comes to an end. Your words have strength, use them to propel you forward.

Titanic

One foot after the other; one step and day at a time.

Safe & serene passage in your journey.

Tuffgirl

ShootingStar, this is a painful time for you. I know I was depressed all summer as the final divorce date neared. But afterward, it was a relief to have finality to it. To "unhook" for real this time. To be able to begin a new life, one that doesn't include alcoholism and all that brings with it.

You've made great strides to change your life throughout this process, be proud of yourself! And know that this too shall pass.

If you like to read, a book that really helped me recently is Life Lessons, by Elisabeth Kubler Ross. I highly recommend it to anyone struggling with losses and working hard to find meaning in it all.

Take good care,
~T

ZiggyB

Yes, you can do it!

Obnoxious, vicious, destructive trashing the core of my being sounds a lot like what I went through too...

After axbf and I broke up I was an anxious guilt ridden mess, wondering what was wrong with me, why was I so unacceptable? It's only after going to therapy I realize how beaten down and depressed I was by the constant criticism, angry outbursts and strange behavior. I had to start ignoring the negative, hurtful messages he gave me and replace them with my own thoughts!

I am a lovable person and I deserve to be happy! After a while you will feel so much better and realize it is truly better to be on your own than in a toxic, dysfunctional relationship.

itsmylifenow

You can and will do this!! You have faith in yourself and know you can get through it.

Give yourself time. The more NC you are the better off you'll be and creating that life you want will come easier. It does get better one day at a time.