Happy Birthday XAGF! I Should Not Be Feeling Sad.

Old 11-11-2012, 04:30 PM
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Happy Birthday XAGF! I Should Not Be Feeling Sad.

Today is my XAGF birthday.
I have been no contact with her for over three weeks now.
Basically ever since she left me for another man that she met in sober living, two weeks out of rehab.
And in spite of all this the codependent in me feels guilty that I am not calling to wish her a happy birthday.
Fully aware that she is with him probably not even giving me a second thought.
My friend who is an alcohol/drug counselor told me flat out "Do Not Contact Her!"
She told me that she is expecting to hear from you.
She is a narcissist.
She will think more about you if you don't call.
If you contact her it will tell her that during this time apart you have been sitting around thinking about her.
And also that she still has a hold on you.
It will tell her that whatever happens between her and new sober boy which will probably end in disaster, you are still out there for her to run back too.
It is hard for me to believe that just three weeks ago we were making all kinds of plans on how we were going to celebrate her birthday.
And now she is celebrating with someone else.
I cannot let her think that she has me on a chain.
I must break this cycle or it will never end.
I must take care of myself
I will not contact her in any way.
But it still leaves me very sad.
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Old 11-11-2012, 04:41 PM
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Of course it's sad.
Big hugs to you.
You are doing so well. Keep up with "I" statements.

PS: If you check my posts you'll learn my exabf went straight to new mate too?
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Old 11-11-2012, 04:50 PM
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Thanks Rosiepetal,
I just read your post.
I am sorry for your pain.
They are addicts.
Unless they are willing to truly work on themselves the minute they feel a void they must fill it.
If it cannot be with drugs or alcohol, it is with something or someone else.
But we too become addicted to them.
We must also look to fill the void that they have left behind.
We are powerless over them, but we are not powerless to heal ourselves.
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Old 11-11-2012, 05:01 PM
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I really think she is just addicted to this new guy. I really think this is not going to work. One of them will end up dragging the other one down, and that will be that.
Also, I don't understand how they don't have counselors telling them what a bad idea it is for two brand new sober addicts to be together. They need to be working on themselves, or it isn't going to work for either one of their sobriety either.
So yeah. I know this is not what you want to hear, but she is going to be feeling the pain you are feeling soon. Don't forget it.

I was in the hospital having my 6 year old, and I had broken up with my ex, after he destroyed my life. Really. It has been 6 years and I STILL don't have the pieces put together. Anyway, I was in the hospital, crying about how it was the worst day of my life and my dad said, "You know how you feel right now? Don't ever forget it. He will be back and he will do it again."

It has been so long, and I have never forgot it. And he did try to come back but I remembered what my dad said to me. By the way, he is not an addict in any way, shape, or form, but as it turns out, regular people can be a waste of life too.

Anyway, it will get a little easier. Don't take her back when she comes crawling, because she will do it again. One day you will wake up and you will be able to breathe again.
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Old 11-11-2012, 05:05 PM
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It's ok to be sad.
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Old 11-11-2012, 06:46 PM
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I feel for you! I have read your post before and I have been where you are w/the whole meet someone in recovery while you are supporting/loving them only to be left. Your counselor friend is so correct based on my experience! I am glad you are listening to the advise. Trust me, It will end in a horrible disaster. I was always there to pick up the pieces....big mistake! Back and Forth Back and Forth! Ashamed...Yes I am but I still allowed it. Painful...Yes! The worst! Take care of yourself and I am truly sorry you are going thru all this....This too shall pass! I keep telling myself but know that it will.
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Old 11-11-2012, 06:56 PM
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Thanks Sassydog,
I think the worst part of it is me worrying about her hurt feelings knowing that she is not in the least bit thinking about mine.
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Old 11-11-2012, 07:05 PM
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Originally Posted by soexhausted View Post
Thanks Sassydog,
I think the worst part of it is me worrying about her hurt feelings knowing that she is not in the least bit thinking about mine.
If she is truly working her recovery, which we all should hope for, regardless of what an evil person she may be, she will be thinking about you around step 4.

And that is okay. When she gets to step 9, let her make her amends, and be done. It will help both of you recover. Honestly. I have been there too, years ago. But that does not mean that you have to deal with her either in the present or the future.

That is, IF she is working her recovery.

You will get through this, one day at a time.
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Old 11-11-2012, 10:01 PM
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dude. I feel your pain. But the best thing you can do is practicing focus on yourself and muster up any and all the strength you can to avoid contacting her. make a deal with yourself that you will contact her one year from this moment and stick to it. One of the things fueling her isprobably the fact that she has all that energy of yours, knowing that " she is waiting to hear from you" ( pardon my french but what a bitch)

YOu are just as valuable a human being is as she is..and her sober friend and any other hun=man being on this earth..Focus on getting yorself to a healing place and allow yourself to grieve and mourn..acknowledge the loss to yourself by having some days to wallow but take the other time and use your energy for things that soothe your soul.. i know alot about getting your heart broken by a co dependant relationship.. the best thing you can do for yourself is feel your feelings, heal them, forgive and move the **** on. you will meet someone special who you love as a person and who loves you back as a whole person (often in codependant relationshis we are in love with the companionship not the actual person) in any case..do what you gootta do to heal. YOu are entitled to happiness too!~..dont forget it man!..
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Old 11-11-2012, 10:25 PM
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I understand.....it's crazy and sad when you realize how much they consume you thoughts and time but only bc we allow it! You think...really? What the heck! I have to remind myself most/all Active A are very selfish and regardless even if she isn't drinking still acting as if she is....she will be soon. She will realize you didn't call but this too will be your fault! Highly likely this will fall thru in disaster if like my XABF situation. It was horrible ordeal for everyone! This is a common situation or so I have learned. I think had I known how common it may have helped ease the rejection feeling but still painful no matter! It use to kill me thinking I was hurting....they were having a great time at my expense. I could tell you some horrible stories! Hang in there and try to remember ....you really don't want her problems.
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Old 11-11-2012, 11:01 PM
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I am so sorry... you should not be feeling sad but you will feel sad for a while.

It hurts to lose someone you care about, even when you know that person isn't good for you. Three weeks is not a very long time, in a few months you be feeling much better and glad she is gone. Keep up the no contact!
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Old 11-12-2012, 05:56 AM
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Special dates and such are huge triggers, but congratulations for moving on and sticking to No Contact.

About this line
She will think more about you if you don't call.


I got some issues with it .. lol...

1 You can't control what anyone else thinks

2 You don't want her to think more about you, what for? what would you gain? this is ego...

3 Whether she thinks of you or not DOES NOT MATTER it has nothing to do with your value... you are independent and got your own life and journey to live, to enjoy, to learn... no one has power over you, no one is superior to you.


Hugs... you can do this.

Remember the bad times and know that she has not changed.
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Old 11-12-2012, 08:47 AM
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Thanks TakingCharge999,
I should clarify that line.
She was not telling me that she will think of you more in the positive sense to somehow give me hope that I am still in her mind.
The counselor was trying to explain to me how the narcissistic mind of the alcoholic works.
That she will be expecting to hear from me.
Feeding her ego has always been my job.
That the alcoholic thinks more about what you don't do for them rather then appreciate what you do.
She was telling me to stop worrying about her feelings, and start taking care of my own.
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Old 11-12-2012, 09:03 AM
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maybe it's time to feed your own ego a little bit? Do something nice for yourself even if you don't feel like it.

What she did was wrong and selfishly egotistic. we all know it's not a relationship born out of respect, and you know she disrespected you along the way. It's ALL about HER, if you let it be.

You really DO have the power to be happy and deserve to be treated well. I hope you keep this front and center. Let her wonder that you aren't running to the phone to give her birthday wishes. Maybe Mr. Newly recovered won't make such a fuss over her either?
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Old 11-12-2012, 09:20 AM
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A quick update:
I did not contact her yesterday.
I maintained my no contact.
At the end of the night I noticed on Facebook that a mutual friend had wished her happy birthday.
So in a moment of weakness I went to the page of my XAGF.
She had just changed her profile picture.
She was snuggled in a booth, out for her birthday dinner with her new man.
It is interesting. She has always been a fairly private person. Never posting too much on Facebook.
She never liked declaring her private life to the public.
Now all of a sudden she cannot post enough about her new love with sober living boy.
He posts on her wall all the time. And she posts on her wall all of the time.
They seem to have a need for everyone to constantly know the love they have for each other.
When I first saw the picture I was really hurt.
But then I was glad that I had seen it.
The picture made me feel so glad that I had not contacted her.
And made me realize how bad I would have felt if I had. And how mad I would have been at myself for doing so.
No more of her Facebook page!
I know that this is not going to be easy.
I know that I will have plenty of sad days.
I know that it will take awhile for me to get over her.
But I also know that in time I will.
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Old 11-12-2012, 10:01 AM
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Originally Posted by soexhausted View Post
That the alcoholic thinks more about what you don't do for them rather then appreciate what you do.
I couldn't agree with you more on this sentence. That was my experience the majority of the time. Appreciation should come from a place of gratitude, ya know? And with the focus on everything you do wrong, or not up to their standard on how you should behave, there isn't much room for appreciation.

My ex wanted a divorce because he believed (based on my behavior, he says) that I wouldn't live with him again (we were separated). Seriously - that was his reasoning. And he literally went full on "don't confuse me with the facts" once he decided that. One week we were making plans on how to get back together, and the very next week he is angry and critical and doing his magical thinking about me and what I am doing and how I feel about it all, yet never once simply asked.

And he was 18 months sober at the time (so he said). My point in sharing this is to show you that even though she may be "sober", you would still have a long road ahead of you. I wish I would have ended things back in January 2011. Instead, I wasted another year + of my life, thrashing around with someone who so obviously didn't appreciate me at all.

Hang in there, it does get better!
~T
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Old 11-12-2012, 10:10 AM
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Common sense will prevail here.

Nobody falls in love instantly, they fall into infatuation. Infatuation dies with reality, or grows into something better if things really are terrific.
These two are leaning on each other, and probably leaning too much on each other. That makes them precariously on the edge of falling off the cliff.
Slow and steady works every time--their behavior doesn't
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Old 11-12-2012, 10:17 AM
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writing on the facebook wall always reminded me of writing on a bathroom wall. if i want to contact someone i'll send them a quick email or text
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Old 11-12-2012, 10:22 AM
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Good job not contacting her! I know it must have been hard, but it is the best thing you could have done for yourself.

She never liked to show her private life and now it is all over the place? Sounds like
she is trying to prove to the world and to you that her life is "perfect" now. Which,
anyone that feels the need to prove their life is perfect that means there life is FAR from
it. Birthdays are a REALLY hard time to stay clean, and now she just spent a birthday
with a guy that is newly sober. hmmmm.... I don't think the outcome was too great.

Stay strong,

Maylie
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Old 11-12-2012, 10:29 AM
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It always seemed to me that it screams of insecurity when two people have a tremendous need to let everyone around them know of their love for each other.
Whether it is public displays of affection or public posts on Facebook.
Unless it is an actual announcement such as an engagement, it should be enough to just let each other know how much you love them.
What they are doing whether it be the constant need for publicity or the speed in which they feel in love, it certainly spells out addiction rather then love.
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