mybump

I haven't been here in a while, I lurk but haven't posted much. Today I'm feeling a strong need for advice. My "ex"boyf, and father of my sweet 13 month old girl is still using pills/heroin (I think). I've been through so much back and forth with him since having her. She lights up when he walks into the room . Last night he came over and I asked him to take a drug test when he got there. He said he was clean, hasn't used. So he said he didn't need to use the bathroom when I asked him to do the test. I think he was banking on me letting it go (and forgetting, because in the past I would let it go) but I couldn't. He steals from me and makes our lives a chaotic mess when he is using. I sincerely believed, AGAIN, he was clean "this time". So I pushed the issue and and he continued on to say that he may not have to go to the bathroom at all all night and then what am I going to do because its not his fault if he doesn't need to "go". Then he proceeded to ask how long I was going to keep drug testing him (this is only the 2nd time I have asked him to take a test). Long story short, he left rather than having to stay and take the test, insisting the entire time that it was "B.S." and that he was clean. Right.

So my question is do I let him see our daughter? Are the consequences of him seeing her worse than not? I only care about her in this and how my decisions will affect her. I can't put him first anymore. I don't want to take her daddy away from her but he is an addict and obviously not capable of being a good parent while he is active in his addiction. Do I let him continue to have supervised visits if he refuses to take a test. Has anyone dealt with this situation?

Thank you so much for your support and responses.

Tarot

My ABF did exactly the same thing when i asked him to do a test. He didn't want to "go" for over 12 hours....he must have been bursting!! I knew dawn well he had been using anyway, it was written all over his face. He was using then and he is using now. I have kicked him three weeks ago...its been really hard but equally i know i am doing the right thing and things are starting to get better. They know every trick in the book to duck out of confrontation from shouting to getting some one else to see in a bottle for them. They have to be inventive their habits depend on it!


I split up with my children's father when i had 4 young boys 10 years ago because he was an addict too. I went through so much with him that it was actually easier to do it alone than with all that turmoil in our lives. I never looked back really after the initial pain of the break up faded and i wished i had done it years before rather than endure the 7 years of hell i did with him. You are lucky your little girl is young enough not to remember him being around. I think it gets harder as they get older. The last we saw of their dad was when he visited for xmas one year and left with their xmas money from Santa's stocking! They have never forgave him and not missed having him around.

I also know of a couple of heroin addict parents who's children grew up to be heroin addicts in their footsteps!

Its a big decision either way hun and i feel sorry for you having to endure this when you should be having the best time bringing up you're little girl. I think personally though that kids shouldn't have to live with addiction in their environment.

Big hugs!

mybump

Thank you cynical one and Tarot.

"Is it better for her to lose him once...or over and over again?" - That really hit home and made me tear up. Of course! Idk what I was thinking questioning myself.

The chaos he brings into our home is sickening.

I'm going to go back to my meetings, obviously I need to be there.

This forum is SO helpful for me to come back to. Thank you!!!

eveleivibe

If he isnt prepared to be drug testrd i would not let him See her unsupervised.
There again are you going to spend time drug testing him until she's 18 because that isn't healthy. Surely the authorities should be doing this who deal with visitation rights????

You're right you're daughter should come first n im sure you're a great parent.

I know the guilt of having to cut ties with the childs father knowing other children have theirs, go for family holidays etc.
so if you ever need any1 to talk to pm me anytime.

Take care.

thislonelygirl

i dont know how to answer this. i hope it never comes down to that decision for myself but i can say i knew two girls growing up . one with an addict mother and the other with an addict father and even though they show resentment for some of the decisions their parents had made they dont regret knowing them. the one with whoms mother was an addict is now in the military (her addict mother overdosed years ago sadly)
and the others addict father is in prison (she is a nurse)
you need to be the one to make the best decision for your child

bluebelle

I agree with Cynical One. If her father is stealing from you, then that is a good reason to keep in out of the house, too. My story is that my addict mother kept me away from my alcoholic father and his family. In this case, my mother made the right decision because my AF and his family had serious issues. I was angry at her for awhile for keeping me away from my father's family. I thought my mom had done it for myself. As an adult, I got to know my alcoholic father a little better, and realized how right my mom was for keeping me away from him. I remained around a lot of addicts growing up still - my addict mom and her friends/boyfriends. However, I would have been worse off if I had been around my alcoholic father and his abusive family. I know that sounds complicated. My point is that sometimes it is better for a child not to be around a parent, and that is o.k. In my case, it was the safest thing for my mom to do.

Maylie

This is a really hard one to give an opinion on, when it comes down to it you should go with your gut.

I def. would not let him see her unsupervised. As she gets older he might leave things around that she could get to and I refuse to even type what could happen to your precious baby if she got a hold of whatever he is using.

There are also the situations where parents make the deal "as long as you're sober you can see your daughter" and then the child sees their parent for 2 months then 2 years go by and then maybe 5 months and then the parent goes away for another year. It gets really complicated and harder for the child the older the child gets because the child will wonder where daddy is then as they get older doesn't daddy love me then why won't he stop.. etc.

I am a recovering addict myself and when I was using I couldn't imagine being responsible and able to give a child everything that a child needs. In a situation like this there is no right answer only a do what you think is best and protect your child.

Whatever you do, you'll still be a really good mom that just wants the best for their child.

hugs

Maylie

mybump

Thank you everyone for responding.

Your right evelevivibe, I don't want to babysit or drug test him until she is 18. It was just a starting point for me I guess. I don't know, I'm just trying to protect my daughter, and myself, the best way I know how. Its not just the drug testing, its that constant chaos and anxiety we get when he is around. There is no parenting plan, he is not on the birth certificate, as he never signed the affadavit and we are not married and he does not pay child support.

I think I will just keep things as they are right now, we are not talking because I told him not to contact me if he can't pass a drug test, and see how things go. I will never lie to my daughter about him. I just want to minimize the emotional trauma she has to go through.

I appreciate all of your input and can't thank you enough!

kthopkt

Until in recovery, I believe it is best he has no contact with her. Speaking from experience.

mybump

I am so annoyed with myself. I have been depressed and "missing" him. then I ask myself, what am i really missing? I don't miss the chaos, I don't miss the anxiety I feel when he is in my home and around my kids. Maybe I don't miss him. Why am I feeling so depressed?

I was great for a few days and then he started calling. I ignored his calls and sent him a simple text asking him not to call or text me unless he was clean and he was getting help. Then came the promises and "plans" for getting help. Shocking I haven't heard a word since then. I'm relieved and yet I'm sad and I'm angry all at the same time (but definitely NOT going to accept him back into my life right now).

So sick of this roller coaster of emotions.

Jody675

maybe you just miss being "wanted". maybe look within yourself and ask the questions about why you want a lying, stealing drug addict to want you? are you not worth more?

do what is right for your daughter. if there is no legal reason for him to see her while he is an active addict then id be keeping your daughter as far away from him as possible. when he wants to act like a real father and take responsibility for her, and is clean then negotiate. but i think your decision for no contact is the best for your child too. for the exact reason that cynical one so perfectly pointed out.

mybump

I think your right jody675. Thank you.

Jody675

your welcome...i just know what its like to go through that part. it becomes part of the cycle of why you dont end this type of relationship. every time you get an urge to call or respond to his messages, ask yourself to write down a list of why you want him in your life. i bet its a pretty short list...lol

mybump

It is! It had been 2 full days and I had a hard time last night and then this morning going to work my phone was going crazy with texts from him. He loves me, misses me, misses our daughter and being a family and can we still be together, do we have a future blah blah blah...Same thing over and over and over again...I responded but tried to just keep it simple and told him that I can't have anything to do with him until he is clean and sober AND in recovery...

I had just gone through, mentally last night, my list of pros and cons...Wow...I'm glad I did that last night...I don't miss the chaos and I don't miss feeling crazy all of the time...It is a little lonely and your so right, I miss feeling wanted...That was a big awakening for me so thank you so much for posting...

I've learned so much about myself throughout this past 3.5 years of "loving" my ex ABF...