fluffyflea

I don't know what to say I guess I'm asking about those 3 things in the title.

Sometimes things just feel like mind games or some kind of manipulation to make me insecure.

What happened the other day about the pacification was it's hunting season right now so that's fine. He;s going hunting on Friday with his life long friend and coming back tomorrow: Monday. Next weekend is a dinner for one of my relatives because they are moving. I asked him about going. The reply was "IF so and so is coming back to go hunting next weekend I'm not going with you." He is a life long friend who someday won't be around, you don't have friends like that (which is a crock because of course I do.) I would never ask you to re-arrange your life for me.

I said it's one day just one day for me.

I said we have to talk, oh no we're not talking. I said again we have to talk about this, he says oh okay I'll LET you talk. I gave up I was so upset and when we did talk a bit he told me I was weeping to manipulate him, no I was so frustrated and angry and upset.

Everytime it's ever come around to talking I'm not heard,validated,respected or anything, there is no resolution, it's all about him and getting his own way.

dollydo

And,you stay with him...why? I've been following all your posts, doesn't sound like a match made in heaven.

lizatola

I've gotten tons of advice on this board and from my sponsor in Al Anon and I'll repeat what they've said to me: An A is going to do what an A does, what are YOU going to do? FOR YOU?

It's all part of the disease. When I tried to talk to my AH last night about the money stuff and NSF fees on our account he literally walked away from me in the middle of me talking to him. It's what they do. Facing reality, letting go of their egos and selfishness, it's all foreign behaviors to them if they are active(or not in some sort of recovery). You need to start living your life and forget about him. You told him about the event, you can't control whether he comes or not. Go, enjoy yourself, and let him do whatever it is that he needs to do. He's not going to change, at least not any time soon. I have had to come to acceptance about that with my AH, too, and I know it's not easy. Believe me.

Katiekate

What has been most important for me in my recovery from co dependency has been forcing myself to get out there , do the things I want to do , the things that are important to me, finding things that bring me peace.

It helped me detach in a way I never thought possible.

If he doesn't want to go, you go, eventually you will find yourself enjoying your family, your friends, your life without him.

I have found that I am having richer more fulfilling relationships across the board, I am happy because I no longer have the monkey on my back, let him play his games, try to manipulate, hurt, and invalidate you, it will be his loss. His life is spinning out of control, not yours.

The best answer to I'm not going, I'm not talking, I'm not I'm not I'm not is OKAY

It takes practice not to get sucked in but eventually your life will start moving forward, without the quacking games.

You do not deserve to be disrespected, walk away, step out the door, good things will happen. Be strong for yourself and yourself only.

Katie xo

fluffyflea

I posted a reply before and lost it.....frustrating.

I,m not mentioning it again I,m going regardless, in fact I,m much of anything again , let the cards fall where they fall.

He,s been"recovering" a long time but I guees ego and selfishness are hard to get past.

Why do I stay Dollydo? Old habits and co-dependency kick back in.

snoopy87

You deserve so much more than this. He's not going to change, plain and simple. Be around people who make you laugh, not cry. And it isn't your fault that he's like this.

fluffyflea

In fact I,m not mentioning mch of anything again is what I meant to say.

It seems the more you want the less they want to give.

keepingmyjoy1

My AH used to walk away repeatedly during a conversation he did not want to hear. (Funny because when I did that to him when he was quacking, he didn't like it very much!) The only thing I can say is that I swear he used to do stuff to make me think I was crazy. Like, "you NEVER told me that!" when I told him 6 times. Or he would move something and I would say "I KNOW I left it right here" and he would say "YOU must have moved it" and lots of other little things that were just insane. And he did these things when I know he was not blacked out etc. I know he did it on purpose to keep me off balance.

I feel for you Earthworm. The only way it got better for me was to expect not to be heard and to decide to live my life, do things that were planned, like your dinner, no matter what he chose. If he came and said "you never told me about it", I would say I did and you can choose to go or not. I am going.

It comes down to a power struggle, in my opinion. They see you trying to effect a change they don't want. So they will make it as hard as possible for you hoping that you will back down. My life got better when I expected nothing and lived my life. I felt happier. Was it easy. Nope. He was worse. But by expecting nothing from him, I wasn't disappointed and I could handle his being an arse because I knew he would be that way, but it did not change my plans any.

Wish I could make it better for you---I am SUCH a codie! Hugs.

dandylion

Dear earthworm, I suspect that you m ay have to adjust your expectations of him downward.

The less you expect from an unrecovering alcoholic---the less you will be disappointed. The less you will get your heart broken. This is a sad reality. I recently hear someone post about "making your expectations match your reality".

Recite the serenity prayer and act in your own best interest.

dandylion

fluffyflea

He,s been sober 35 years he,s just a selfish a@@!

alole

Seems like he is just selfish. The guy I was dating would do that too. Accuse me of being immature yet he would do the same things but when he did it it was justifiable. Or accuse me of having someone else just to make me feel bad, and guilty.

ZiggyB

Sometimes I think it's a matter of control and they feel better if they can exert power over you and win every argument.

Oh, at least you didn't get "Stop crying, you stupid bitch", that was such a lovely thing my axbf said to me. And we broke up because of "my problems", oh sure Buddy, keep on moving to the next one I will be fine without you... lol

fluffyflea

I think so too Ziggy B, I think it,s all based on control and getting what they want.

I don,t know I guess I,m more dissappointed in myself for being in this situation yet again.

ZiggyB

hmm, do you think there is anything you can do about it? I don't suppose he is prepared to go to counseling (they seldom are, because would have to fact up to their B.S.)?

fluffyflea

Ha ha ha you are right about that.

No, this is what I can do about itand am doing about it ,not be so available to him,do more my own stuff and basically work on getting a backbone. Don,t give him everything emotionally, just backing off.

Evening things up a bit between us because obviously I am in my codie way giving too much to the situation. So I want to give what is in balance;not giving because I,m tryingto in my codie way make up for what he isn,t/doesn,t want to give.

This is one of MY lessons to learn h

Maylie

I know it would be nice if he wanted to come and came because he wanted to make you happy, but you know that he isn't that kind of person anymore and well it is probally better that he doesn't come since his intentions wouldn't be in the right place.

I'm sorry that he is incapable of being a reasonable understanding human being. He has been sober a long time so it appears that this is just who he is and he isn't going to change. The only thing you can do is work on you and basically live seperate lives and don't let him get to you anymore.

hugs

Maylie

fluffyflea

Yes you are right,better to realize it now then later. Again things just need to get balanced, I need to get balanced out. And all the things I said about doing are coming from aplace of permanent changeNOT a place of manipulation.

wynter

Coming into this a little late. Your posts so resonate with me. The mind games, keeping us off balance so they have the control/power. It being all about them and their needs, while our needs/feelings are either ignore, diminished or dismissed.

Same thing here. My RA sober over two years. Actions ego based, I'd say unequivocally. Maybe it's the only way they can feel like they're in control. Seriously, I sometimes feel like we are on two different planets when we communicate (if you want to call it that). You feel like you are always fighting 'the war', and keep getting pushed down even lower after every battle.

I ask myself, is this worth it? Why do I stay? Yes, I love him (or who I perceive he is), as I'm sure you do. But love isn't enough when you're constantly feeling sad and angry...and for me it usually equates to feeling invisible, unloved, unbeautiful. Why do we do this to ourselves?? It's like we are prisoners, stuck, frozen and unable to help ourselves. But we both know better. We have to do what's right for US. As we know, A's or not, people will do what they want, no matter what you say or do. We can't control this outcome, even though we keep tryin, thinkin if they could see we are truly in their corner, truly there every step of the way, they might just once give us a little more...crumbs, in reality.

You say your RA is big in helping others, a nice all around guy...mine too. He feeds on all of that. And then there's our R...and it's at the bottom of the pile. He doesn't see it that way. No talking about it, what's wrong with me?? Yours probably the same way. It just makes me do my usual jump up and down in the corner routine, hoping he'll see me. Damn. Why do we do these things to ourselves?

We might as well be cutters. Hurt less.

My best to you. I'm right there with you, goin through your same pain.

Hugs.

redatlanta

I second Lizatola - start going without him. You will be surprised that there is a life and a fun and great one without him.

That is helping me detatch from mine. I don't ever have expectations that he will go with me (pardon, unless its something he really wants to do). Mine, unlike yours, says he wants to go - then before the event, its like pulling teeth back and forth, "I don't want to go" then "I am going" then "I don't want to go". Although we do still have a good time together when we are out that back and forth crap drives me crazy.

Having zero expectations has changed my life for the better.

fluffyflea

I,m just using total indifference with him. I could care less if he goes with me or not. As far as I,m concerned he,s just made a really bad decision and I,m going to do what is best for ME. I,m even making a point of avoiding ANY conversation about ANYTHING. And I,m thinking A LOT about what I,m going to do. No more trying to talk about anything.

I had so much of that crap go on growing up in our alcoholic home I,m not living it in adulthood. I,m not going to be the discounted,diminished,discarded child in adulthood.

And yay for me I just stayed 50 years old writing this post.