Mixed feelings
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 237
Mixed feelings
Today is the first day where I feel almost happy - it's a beautiful autumn day, blue sky, sunshine and I no longer have the massive surgical boot on my ankle so I'm going out while it's nice. I'm making good progress on my ankle rehab and even might be allowed to way normal shoes before Christmas!
On a more constructive note, I finally took advice here (and from family) about XABF's post that started to come to the flat again - I forwarded the last batch this week with a post-it note saying anything else arriving I would be returning to sender. Recently, I have texted X to complain, hassle him to change address and just ended up in exchange that either upset me or just picked at the scab. This way, it avoids any exchange. I started to worry when I saw a couple of bank letters come for him (old codie) and then worried that because I hadn't forwarded them quickly enough, it would cause him problems. I had to stop myself and remind myself it was his fault he hadn't sorted his post, he was responsible for delay, not me. Still not sorting out his own affairs. I also realised by forwarding his mail, I was still enabling him, even if in a small way. So, I feel more in control - a credit card statement arrived for him on Friday and I'll be returning that to sender on Monday. Thank you to everyone's advice when I was obsessing of the most ridiculous minor details. I take a while but I eventually listen...
The only thing looming that gives me mixed feelings is XABF's DUI related court case is tomorrow - it's for failure to provide a specimen. I have to know the outcome because he was driving the car under my insurance at the time of the accident and they have told me I must provide the result to them (any claim for the damage to the car would be null and void if he's found guilty). I have rung the court to find out how I find out about the result so I don't have to call or text him. But I can't help feeling worried for him, at the stress he is under - I know it's his fault but I still love him so can imagine he is worried about the outcome.
I am torn between my feelings and guilt at them - I don't want him to get a prison sentence as I don't think he would recover and feel that would be such a sad ending (I hope that first offences where no one has been injured would mean that is not likely) but I also know if he gets off completely he will see this as vindication that he hasn't got a problem. I guess it would be the best outcome if he lost his licence for a year as that would be a consequence that might help him realise he needs to get help. Then I feel guilty that it isn't my place to make a judgement on what should happen. I know it's none of my business but I can't stop caring about him, as much as I try. Is it bad that I want him to experience a consequence? Any advice on how I should handle this would be much appreciated. I'm just trying to switch off and focus on me.
I am dreading the outcome as I know I will feel upset either way but it is the last thing that ties us together. Maybe that is also behind my feelings. I am relieved at the thought but also scared as then, there's no excuse but to let go completely.
Thanks for reading and I hope everyone has a lovely Sunday.
On a more constructive note, I finally took advice here (and from family) about XABF's post that started to come to the flat again - I forwarded the last batch this week with a post-it note saying anything else arriving I would be returning to sender. Recently, I have texted X to complain, hassle him to change address and just ended up in exchange that either upset me or just picked at the scab. This way, it avoids any exchange. I started to worry when I saw a couple of bank letters come for him (old codie) and then worried that because I hadn't forwarded them quickly enough, it would cause him problems. I had to stop myself and remind myself it was his fault he hadn't sorted his post, he was responsible for delay, not me. Still not sorting out his own affairs. I also realised by forwarding his mail, I was still enabling him, even if in a small way. So, I feel more in control - a credit card statement arrived for him on Friday and I'll be returning that to sender on Monday. Thank you to everyone's advice when I was obsessing of the most ridiculous minor details. I take a while but I eventually listen...
The only thing looming that gives me mixed feelings is XABF's DUI related court case is tomorrow - it's for failure to provide a specimen. I have to know the outcome because he was driving the car under my insurance at the time of the accident and they have told me I must provide the result to them (any claim for the damage to the car would be null and void if he's found guilty). I have rung the court to find out how I find out about the result so I don't have to call or text him. But I can't help feeling worried for him, at the stress he is under - I know it's his fault but I still love him so can imagine he is worried about the outcome.
I am torn between my feelings and guilt at them - I don't want him to get a prison sentence as I don't think he would recover and feel that would be such a sad ending (I hope that first offences where no one has been injured would mean that is not likely) but I also know if he gets off completely he will see this as vindication that he hasn't got a problem. I guess it would be the best outcome if he lost his licence for a year as that would be a consequence that might help him realise he needs to get help. Then I feel guilty that it isn't my place to make a judgement on what should happen. I know it's none of my business but I can't stop caring about him, as much as I try. Is it bad that I want him to experience a consequence? Any advice on how I should handle this would be much appreciated. I'm just trying to switch off and focus on me.
I am dreading the outcome as I know I will feel upset either way but it is the last thing that ties us together. Maybe that is also behind my feelings. I am relieved at the thought but also scared as then, there's no excuse but to let go completely.
Thanks for reading and I hope everyone has a lovely Sunday.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
I think your recovery is showing and it looks marvelous on you!
You know how powerful it feels to give the outcomes to the one with the issues, right? You just took your power back when you gave him the dignity of handling his post/bills/notices.
He is an adult and he can alert the courier of his new address.
The same applies here.
As an alcoholic, it is possible that he is without any concern over the outcomes of the court date. He is likely focused on self-medicating, or socializing with fellow drinkers and watching a sports event for the day.
All beyond your control.
But how do you get your mind to let go of the situation?
For me it required a physical exercise. An exercise that involved a box and a piece of paper. The box is commonly called a God box. I call it my HP box. I write down the issue I am struggling with onto paper. I put the paper into the box and give it to my HP. I give the problem and the outcomes to my HP. I trust my HP to manage the problem/outcomes with infinite wisdom and understanding. I do not allow myself to take problems back from my HP.
Wishing you a peaceful day.
You know how powerful it feels to give the outcomes to the one with the issues, right? You just took your power back when you gave him the dignity of handling his post/bills/notices.
He is an adult and he can alert the courier of his new address.
The same applies here.
As an alcoholic, it is possible that he is without any concern over the outcomes of the court date. He is likely focused on self-medicating, or socializing with fellow drinkers and watching a sports event for the day.
All beyond your control.
But how do you get your mind to let go of the situation?
For me it required a physical exercise. An exercise that involved a box and a piece of paper. The box is commonly called a God box. I call it my HP box. I write down the issue I am struggling with onto paper. I put the paper into the box and give it to my HP. I give the problem and the outcomes to my HP. I trust my HP to manage the problem/outcomes with infinite wisdom and understanding. I do not allow myself to take problems back from my HP.
Wishing you a peaceful day.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Why can't the insurance company get the results directly from the Court themselves? You probably have no real legal right to the information - I may be entirely wrong about that. If the incident is related to their insurance case, there must be a legal mechanism for them to get the results.
But I understand that the issue is not just getting the results to the insurance company -- it is how you deal with knowing about the outcome of the Court case and your XABF's future. That's very hard, and I feel for you.
Just keep saying "what's done is done. I didn't do it, I can't control, I can't fix it. " Try to turn it over to your HP, and your AXBF's higher power. We just can't anticipate what a turn of events will mean for someone else, as much as we want to hope for the outcome that we think will be the best for them.
So, I'd try to turn the focus to yourself today. What lovely thing can you do today to take care of YOU, and focus on your happier future?
ShootingStar1
But I understand that the issue is not just getting the results to the insurance company -- it is how you deal with knowing about the outcome of the Court case and your XABF's future. That's very hard, and I feel for you.
Just keep saying "what's done is done. I didn't do it, I can't control, I can't fix it. " Try to turn it over to your HP, and your AXBF's higher power. We just can't anticipate what a turn of events will mean for someone else, as much as we want to hope for the outcome that we think will be the best for them.
So, I'd try to turn the focus to yourself today. What lovely thing can you do today to take care of YOU, and focus on your happier future?
ShootingStar1
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 237
Thank you both - i spent the day cooking, batches of soup and plums. Strangely felt very happy and productive!
Shooting star, I tried to ask insurance company to get details but they said they only do that if there is a third party claim. I'm the policy holder so under terms have to advise them. I've rung the court and they told me I can get results next week. My mum is going to call them for me and tell me after work so I don't get upset upset or stressed at work. Like you say, what is done is done and over to my HP.
Shooting star, I tried to ask insurance company to get details but they said they only do that if there is a third party claim. I'm the policy holder so under terms have to advise them. I've rung the court and they told me I can get results next week. My mum is going to call them for me and tell me after work so I don't get upset upset or stressed at work. Like you say, what is done is done and over to my HP.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by ShootingStar1 
Just keep saying "what's done is done. I didn't do it, I can't control, I can't fix it. " Try to turn it over to your HP, and your AXBF's higher power.
It will take a while for the "caring" to completely stop. But it does. In the meantime, keep on keepin' on! You are doing great with detachment!
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 237
Thanks Tuffgirl - I'm very much a work in progress on detachment. Post arrived today for X and I wrote on it 'return to sender, addressee no longer at this address'. Then I sat there and worried about what would that mean for him (ugh, codie codie codie). I know it's a credit card statement as it's the same PO box as my credit card statement that came on the same day. So I rang my bank and asked them what would happen in this scenario if it was returned - they said if they weren't sending statements to the correct address and got a rts, they'd put a block on the account so that would prompt the person to call them and give them the correct one. I started worrying about implications for him ( he lives on credit). Should I have given him a week's notice that I was sending mail back. And on and on.
Have given myself a pep talk - will I forward mail forever to him? I need to follow through what I've told him etc. etc. So I will return to sender but I feel guilty doing it. Pathetic!
Have given myself a pep talk - will I forward mail forever to him? I need to follow through what I've told him etc. etc. So I will return to sender but I feel guilty doing it. Pathetic!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by Anon12
Thanks Tuffgirl - I'm very much a work in progress on detachment. Post arrived today for X and I wrote on it 'return to sender, addressee no longer at this address'. Then I sat there and worried about what would that mean for him (ugh, codie codie codie). I know it's a credit card statement as it's the same PO box as my credit card statement that came on the same day. So I rang my bank and asked them what would happen in this scenario if it was returned - they said if they weren't sending statements to the correct address and got a rts, they'd put a block on the account so that would prompt the person to call them and give them the correct one. I started worrying about implications for him ( he lives on credit). Should I have given him a week's notice that I was sending mail back. And on and on.
Have given myself a pep talk - will I forward mail forever to him? I need to follow through what I've told him etc. etc. So I will return to sender but I feel guilty doing it. Pathetic!
Have given myself a pep talk - will I forward mail forever to him? I need to follow through what I've told him etc. etc. So I will return to sender but I feel guilty doing it. Pathetic!
Yes, return everything to sender. He's a grown man, let him figure out what to do next. You are not his post office, nor his personal accountant. Let him live his own life and deal with the consequences of his bad decisions all by himself. You really are doing him a favor, ya know?
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
(Anon)
Nice to see you, it's hard to let go but it sounds like you are in the process.
As was said above, your recovery is evident.
I hope once this court date is over and done with you will feel another lift.
Keep us posted, love to you as always Katie
Nice to see you, it's hard to let go but it sounds like you are in the process.
As was said above, your recovery is evident.
I hope once this court date is over and done with you will feel another lift.
Keep us posted, love to you as always Katie
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 237
Ugh, trial has been delayed a week. Was geared up and now feels its dragging.
On the plus side though, i feel much more in control - have returned two pieces of x's post to sender - so small but feel like I'm taking back my power, just as everyone said.
I know Christmas will be difficult (our anniversary is in mid December so whole period reminds me of when we got together) but i feel like the old me, before x's drinking got worse, is slowly coming back.
Thank you everyone for support - no one else gets it.
On the plus side though, i feel much more in control - have returned two pieces of x's post to sender - so small but feel like I'm taking back my power, just as everyone said.
I know Christmas will be difficult (our anniversary is in mid December so whole period reminds me of when we got together) but i feel like the old me, before x's drinking got worse, is slowly coming back.
Thank you everyone for support - no one else gets it.
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