inatthedeepend

From a distance ie 200miles

Please someone tell me how to cope with hearing his pain and fear as he carries on drinking

Lulu39

I'm sure someone with more experience will be along soon.

However, in my experience, I think you might cope better if you just refused to listen to his "pain and fear" as he carries on drinking. The fear and pain are his, not yours. Don't take his sh*t on. His sh*t belongs to him.

There is also the possibility that there is no fear and no pain on his part and that you are being a codie and being played by a drunk.

Seren

Hello inatthedeepend!

I'm sorry to hear that the man you care about so much continues to be so self destructive. Lulu makes a great point. His fear and his pain....those are things that he is doing to himself. He could also choose not to drink and get help for himself. But he just is not ready yet.

The sad truth is that with active alcoholism or addiction, we can have a front row seat to all the drama and be dragged along through the darkness and despair.

OR

We can tell the person we love them, we know they are capable of figuring all this out (and they are), and then go on our way to take care of our own lives.

This may sound cruel, but believe me, most of us have tried over and over and over again to get the alcoholics in our lives to stop drinking to the ultimate ruin of our own health and our own sanity. Even if we sacrificed our lives on the altar of another's addiction, their behavior would not change.

Please take good care of yourself!

inatthedeepend

So. Just stand by and let him get on with it? I can't seem to make tjat break. I can still see him behind the drunkenness.

Seren

I can still see my stepson behind the drunkenness, too. However, my stepson is 31 years old. He has the right to conduct himself in anyway he chooses, and if he chooses to continue drinking, there is nothing my husband and I can do to stop it.

The last round of drinking left my stepson's liver on the knife's edge. If he begins again (which may or may not happen), he will permanently damage his liver and seriously shorten his lifespan.

We can try to lock him up, keep him under our watch all the time, make sure there is no liquor around him, arrange where he lives, who he lives with and anything else we can think of to police his life......but a well-motivated alcoholic will find a way to drink no matter what any of us do. What sort of life would it be for him to be watched constantly, and what sort of life would it be for us to constantly be 'on guard'?

I know that you still see that man you love under the disease. We all see flashes of the people we love under the disease. But those who suffer from it are the only ones who can change their lives.

inatthedeepend

He is desperate to succeed but not quite able to try...

redatlanta

What do you think you can do about it? Do you think you can talk him into quitting? Maybe AA or rehab? Maybe just cutting down a bit?

The sad reality is you can't do anything to help him except not be a codie or an enabler. Your above quote is classic codie, the belief that somehow you can help/stop/or keep him from hurting himself.

You should read as much on here as you can. It is the key to understanding alcoholism. You will see yourself in story after story and a sadness might come over you as you recognize the powerful addiction of alcoholism and how powerless you are to do anything about it. At least that was my experience. But with knowledge comes power and strength. I gain it everyday from SR. I suggest you go to al anon as well.

I am sorry this is happening to you. Take care of yourself not him.

dandylion

Dear Inatthedeepend, I understand how painful this for you--I am also watching a beloved family member who is still in deep denial unraveling. So sad. I am watching (loving) them from a distance. I have heavily suggested that they seek treatment, of course. That is all that I can do. I recite the serenity prayer many times a day. I realize that I have to "Let go, and Let God".

Try to not be a sounding board for his pain. AA would be the best place for him to take his pain. You have to set the boundrys for yourself.

Please hang around this forum and learn as much as you can. You are not alone.

My heart goes out to you.

dandylion

inatthedeepend

He doesnt like AA.
He worked with recovering addicts til recently he knows full well the situation which is probably making it worse

Tuffgirl

Continuing to drink makes it worse. And chances are high his own denial supersedes anything he learned while working with other addicts.

Read all you can about detachment. It may seem mean at first, but offers us sanity and peace that we won't get otherwise.

thislonelygirl

my ah has done the same thing even from afar and what ive learned is not talking with him when hes acting like that. its hard i know because you want to fix him and you want him to know you care and you dont want him to hurt himself or do something crazy but if hes not getting help he already is.
he can let go of that pain and suffering is he chooses to...he just needs the right tools and as long as he is drinking he will not have them. he needs to reach out to proffesionals and be sober. you are not a proffesional and qualified to cure him. his first step is to cure himself in the realization that life after drinking gets better but he must first surrender and quit his addiction and you must surrender to the reality that you cannot simply click a switch in his head.

thislonelygirl

there are other means over recorvery besides aa and knowing full well the situation with his disease shouldnt doesnt make it worse....it is the denial and the reasons to continue drinking that make it worse.

Anon12

i'm sorry you're going through this. I am no longer with my XABF but continue to care - I found not being in contact was easier than finding out how far he was sliding downwards after our relationship ended. Several people on SR have advised me to hand it back to my HP - I found it really helped. Could you try and not be in contact but when you feel worried, or the need to be in touch, just hand it back? I found it really helped at night to say to my HP: I know I can't help him but please look out for him and help guide him in the right direction, even if it isn't towards me. Whatever you believe in, God, a HP, whatever, someone else can look out for him. If you take it on, what happens to your life?

If it helps, I could see my X behind the drunkeness all the time, I just couldn't live with it. I know he's in there somewhere but if someone doesn't want to help themselves, as frustrating and sad as it is, you can't do anything. You'll just end up five years down the line waking up wondering why you invested in someone else's life more than your own.

inatthedeepend

Thanks all I've been offline from here a couple of days. I've managed to get childcare for Thursday and am aiming for my first Alanon meeting.

There are things I would like to say but am pretty sure he's reading this now and has worked out who I am. As things are I think we are taking it one day at a time. Abusiveness seems to have abated and he's just scorecard reaching out. Really really scared he can't do this. Knows he can't do it alone .
I'm detaching a bit, I'm not deserting him I have said I'm in no rush for things to be back to normal and even when he gets sober it will take time to sort his head out.
Just seeing where we go. Miss him though have still some good interaction

Titanic

One does not cure alcoholism. It can only be arrested by sobriety and recovery. One does not quit the addiction of alcoholism. One is an alcoholic for life, either in recovery or not.

In Al-Anon, you will learn the three C's among many other things: you didn't Cause the alcoholism, and you can't Control or Cure it or the alcoholic.

All the best. Keep coming back.

Hopeworks

Inatthedeepend,

Alanon is a great start...go as much as you can and try different meetings. It was a lifesaver for me.

There is nothing wrong with a dual track of detaching with love but not letting go... waiting to see. Sometimes we need to ride it out however awful and painful it is because we just are not capable of walking away.

When some of us look back we are simply incredulous at the insanity of the times and how we just stuck in there like a pillar of salt unable to move forward, backward or out of the crazy rollercoaster... but... that is what recovery for US...US>>>>US... is all about!

Keep coming back. Keep reading. Go to counseling if you can. Learn ALL you can about your adversary... the alcoholism that kills and destroys all it touches.

The alcoholism will destroy you too if you let it...congrats on the positive steps you are taking so far.

By the way... you can PM a mod and they can help you change your moniker or you could just the A to come here and read your posts! My XA hated ... I mean hated.... soberrecovery! LOL... now that he is in recovery he wants me to go to ALANON and keep coming here. My getting better and curbing him eventually led to him having to get recovered or die.

And... now... we are just cautious friends. We are 3000 miles apart (a good thing) and are sorting out our past and not planning any future except mutual recovery and seeking what our HP has for each of us.

I know this and have told him...never, never, never again will I put myself in a position of vulnerability in any way shape or form with an A...recovering, recovered, or whatever. I am getting way too healthy for that kind of stupidity.

10 days in Tahiti once a year if he got authentically verifiably recovered might be on the horizon someday if he were working and paid my way and then we kissed goodbye on the tarmac and flew different directions.

just kidding guys and girls.