Co-Dependent?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Hey Lonelygirl,
Hi, welcome and I'm glad you joined us.
Here is a list of the characteristics of codependents:
My good feelings about who I am stem from being liked by you.
My good feelings about who I am stem from receiving approval from you.
Your struggle affects my serenity. My mental attention focuses on solving your problems/relieving your pain.
My mental attention is focused on you.
My mental attention is focused on protecting you.
My mental attention is focused on manipulating you to do it my way.
My self-esteem is bolstered by solving your problems.
My self-esteem is bolstered by relieving your pain.
My own hobbies/interests are put to one side. My time is spent sharing your hobbies/interests.
Your clothing and personal appearance are dictated by my desires and I feel you are a reflection of me.
Your behavior is dictated by my desires and I feel you are a reflection of me.
I am not aware of how I feel. I am aware of how you feel.
I am not aware of what I want - I ask what you want.
I am not aware - I assume.
The dreams I have for my future are linked to you.
My fear of rejection determines what I say or do.
My fear of your anger determines what I say or do.
I use giving as a way of feeling safe in our relationship.
My social circle diminishes as I involve myself with you.
I put my values aside in order to connect with you.
I value your opinion and way of doing things more than my own.
The quality of my life is in relation to the quality of yours.
People who feel they are codependent may have some or all of these characteristics.
Hope this helps.
Peace,
Gabe
Hi, welcome and I'm glad you joined us.
Here is a list of the characteristics of codependents:
My good feelings about who I am stem from being liked by you.
My good feelings about who I am stem from receiving approval from you.
Your struggle affects my serenity. My mental attention focuses on solving your problems/relieving your pain.
My mental attention is focused on you.
My mental attention is focused on protecting you.
My mental attention is focused on manipulating you to do it my way.
My self-esteem is bolstered by solving your problems.
My self-esteem is bolstered by relieving your pain.
My own hobbies/interests are put to one side. My time is spent sharing your hobbies/interests.
Your clothing and personal appearance are dictated by my desires and I feel you are a reflection of me.
Your behavior is dictated by my desires and I feel you are a reflection of me.
I am not aware of how I feel. I am aware of how you feel.
I am not aware of what I want - I ask what you want.
I am not aware - I assume.
The dreams I have for my future are linked to you.
My fear of rejection determines what I say or do.
My fear of your anger determines what I say or do.
I use giving as a way of feeling safe in our relationship.
My social circle diminishes as I involve myself with you.
I put my values aside in order to connect with you.
I value your opinion and way of doing things more than my own.
The quality of my life is in relation to the quality of yours.
People who feel they are codependent may have some or all of these characteristics.
Hope this helps.
Peace,
Gabe
Paused
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: WI
Posts: 49
Re: Co-Dependent?
"Your clothing and personal appearance are dictated by my desires and I feel you are a reflection of me.
Your behavior is dictated by my desires and I feel you are a reflection of me.
My social circle diminishes as I involve myself with you."
Okay folks, it's official - I'm a codependent.
Your behavior is dictated by my desires and I feel you are a reflection of me.
My social circle diminishes as I involve myself with you."
Okay folks, it's official - I'm a codependent.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Re: Co-Dependent?
Being Codependent means we put others before our selves. In some cases we are easily manipulated because we hate making waves. Other times we are great manipulators thinking that we need to be in control or behave in a controlling manner.
It also means that we hide in other people problems, which helps us avoid looking at our own.
For me, being codependent meant that I was however my son was. If he was fine, I was fine. If he was not fine, neither was I. We were joined at the hip.
It has been said that you know you are codependent if when you die, everyone else's life passes before your eyes.
Hugs
Ann
It also means that we hide in other people problems, which helps us avoid looking at our own.
For me, being codependent meant that I was however my son was. If he was fine, I was fine. If he was not fine, neither was I. We were joined at the hip.
It has been said that you know you are codependent if when you die, everyone else's life passes before your eyes.
Hugs
Ann
Its_me_jen
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Salina, Ks
Posts: 8,547
Originally Posted by Gabe
Here is a list of the characteristics of codependents:
My good feelings about who I am stem from being liked by you.
My good feelings about who I am stem from receiving approval from you.
Your struggle affects my serenity. My mental attention focuses on solving your problems/relieving your pain.
My mental attention is focused on you.
My mental attention is focused on protecting you.
My mental attention is focused on manipulating you to do it my way.
My self-esteem is bolstered by solving your problems.
My self-esteem is bolstered by relieving your pain.
My own hobbies/interests are put to one side. My time is spent sharing your hobbies/interests.
Your clothing and personal appearance are dictated by my desires and I feel you are a reflection of me.
Your behavior is dictated by my desires and I feel you are a reflection of me.
I am not aware of how I feel. I am aware of how you feel.
I am not aware of what I want - I ask what you want.
I am not aware - I assume.
The dreams I have for my future are linked to you.
My fear of rejection determines what I say or do.
My fear of your anger determines what I say or do.
I use giving as a way of feeling safe in our relationship.
My social circle diminishes as I involve myself with you.
I put my values aside in order to connect with you.
I value your opinion and way of doing things more than my own.
The quality of my life is in relation to the quality of yours.
People who feel they are codependent may have some or all of these characteristics.
Hope this helps.
Peace,
Gabe
My good feelings about who I am stem from being liked by you.
My good feelings about who I am stem from receiving approval from you.
Your struggle affects my serenity. My mental attention focuses on solving your problems/relieving your pain.
My mental attention is focused on you.
My mental attention is focused on protecting you.
My mental attention is focused on manipulating you to do it my way.
My self-esteem is bolstered by solving your problems.
My self-esteem is bolstered by relieving your pain.
My own hobbies/interests are put to one side. My time is spent sharing your hobbies/interests.
Your clothing and personal appearance are dictated by my desires and I feel you are a reflection of me.
Your behavior is dictated by my desires and I feel you are a reflection of me.
I am not aware of how I feel. I am aware of how you feel.
I am not aware of what I want - I ask what you want.
I am not aware - I assume.
The dreams I have for my future are linked to you.
My fear of rejection determines what I say or do.
My fear of your anger determines what I say or do.
I use giving as a way of feeling safe in our relationship.
My social circle diminishes as I involve myself with you.
I put my values aside in order to connect with you.
I value your opinion and way of doing things more than my own.
The quality of my life is in relation to the quality of yours.
People who feel they are codependent may have some or all of these characteristics.
Hope this helps.
Peace,
Gabe
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Hey jenmarks,
I try to turn them around. As in...
"My good feelings about who I am stem from me liking who I am."
Most of my codependent issues come from me looking outward for approval. When I can find that within, I am a much happier person.
Gabe
I try to turn them around. As in...
"My good feelings about who I am stem from me liking who I am."
Most of my codependent issues come from me looking outward for approval. When I can find that within, I am a much happier person.
Gabe
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Canada
Posts: 14
Interesting....
I think I am a co-dependent too, but I need some more clairication. Does co-dependent mean you tend to be like this overall or only towards one person, does this person have to be an alcoholic/addict?
I am totally the person who spends way way too much time worrying about everyone elses problems and not enough on my own.
When I read the sentences above, I do so thinking about my husband (not an alcoholic or addict). I find that I have almost adopted his life more so than building a life together. His friends have become my friends, and I have slipped away from many of my old friends. His hobbies and interests have become mine. (To be honest, I have been that way with all my past serious boyfriends as well).
It was not a consious thing I did, it just seemed to work out that way.
Its not as if I am interested in things I didn't like before, just some things that I was indifferent to before I have become more interested in. Some things that I may have gone through fazes of being into I have rediscovered. That sort of thing.
As for the friends, some of that was because of the age I was at when I got with my husband (just out of collage), many of my close friends moved away and the friends which were not so close I just kind of grew away from for various reasons.
I am realizing even as I am writing this that my 'reasons' may very well be excuses. It is only recently that I have been questioning these sorts of things and realizing that there may be a problem. The term co-dependent may very well sum it up. My life revolves too much around my husband, 'my life' and 'our life' seem to have become the same thing. The only explanation I can come to on why I am this way is that it must come from a deep need I have to feel close to someone and not be alone, to not feel like I am on the outside anymore to feel like I belong.
Lately I have been putting a consious effort into focusing more on myself, what I want to do and to think about making myself happy as a priority. It isn't exactly coming natural, but I feel I am making a bit of headway with it, but I still have a long way to go.
Wow, writing this post is setting off lightbulbs in my head here!...
Another thing that is probably connected to all of this is the fact that when ever my husband would want to do things that didn't involve me (like going on a fishing trip with the guys) it would always upset me. Make me feel abandoned that he would want to do that and I would resist him doing that if I could. I never really understood why that would bother me so much, but I guess it all ties into what I was saying above. This is also something that I have been working on.
I'd like to hear any thoughts you may have on anything I am saying here. This is an area of my life that I am focusing on making better right now and any input would be appreciated. Is this what you all mean by saying you feel you are co-dependent?
I think I am a co-dependent too, but I need some more clairication. Does co-dependent mean you tend to be like this overall or only towards one person, does this person have to be an alcoholic/addict?
I am totally the person who spends way way too much time worrying about everyone elses problems and not enough on my own.
When I read the sentences above, I do so thinking about my husband (not an alcoholic or addict). I find that I have almost adopted his life more so than building a life together. His friends have become my friends, and I have slipped away from many of my old friends. His hobbies and interests have become mine. (To be honest, I have been that way with all my past serious boyfriends as well).
It was not a consious thing I did, it just seemed to work out that way.
Its not as if I am interested in things I didn't like before, just some things that I was indifferent to before I have become more interested in. Some things that I may have gone through fazes of being into I have rediscovered. That sort of thing.
As for the friends, some of that was because of the age I was at when I got with my husband (just out of collage), many of my close friends moved away and the friends which were not so close I just kind of grew away from for various reasons.
I am realizing even as I am writing this that my 'reasons' may very well be excuses. It is only recently that I have been questioning these sorts of things and realizing that there may be a problem. The term co-dependent may very well sum it up. My life revolves too much around my husband, 'my life' and 'our life' seem to have become the same thing. The only explanation I can come to on why I am this way is that it must come from a deep need I have to feel close to someone and not be alone, to not feel like I am on the outside anymore to feel like I belong.
Lately I have been putting a consious effort into focusing more on myself, what I want to do and to think about making myself happy as a priority. It isn't exactly coming natural, but I feel I am making a bit of headway with it, but I still have a long way to go.
Wow, writing this post is setting off lightbulbs in my head here!...
Another thing that is probably connected to all of this is the fact that when ever my husband would want to do things that didn't involve me (like going on a fishing trip with the guys) it would always upset me. Make me feel abandoned that he would want to do that and I would resist him doing that if I could. I never really understood why that would bother me so much, but I guess it all ties into what I was saying above. This is also something that I have been working on.
I'd like to hear any thoughts you may have on anything I am saying here. This is an area of my life that I am focusing on making better right now and any input would be appreciated. Is this what you all mean by saying you feel you are co-dependent?
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
lonelygirl, I used to question that very same thing. As far as the point being of do you do it with everyone or perhaps just a select one or a select few.
Personally, I believe that it can be either way. But also, as you said, it's easy to make excuses. As well as not see how you were codependant with other people. So often times, maybe it's a mixture of both.
Not sure that I've really helped you out any, but just know that I can relate to the question.
For me, I have thought back on relationships (whether it be friends, relatives, etc) and found that I am a certain way with each of them. (as most of us do, we treat people differently and are different with individual people). So while I am not that way with everyone, I have a select few that I think I may have been.
But mostly, I have been that way with my husband (alcoholic).
Personally, I believe that it can be either way. But also, as you said, it's easy to make excuses. As well as not see how you were codependant with other people. So often times, maybe it's a mixture of both.
Not sure that I've really helped you out any, but just know that I can relate to the question.
For me, I have thought back on relationships (whether it be friends, relatives, etc) and found that I am a certain way with each of them. (as most of us do, we treat people differently and are different with individual people). So while I am not that way with everyone, I have a select few that I think I may have been.
But mostly, I have been that way with my husband (alcoholic).
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Lonleygirl,
My codependency rears its ugly head when I find myself depending on other people for my light, instead of creating it on my own. That comes from a lifetime of looking to other people for my happiness, instead of looking within. This is a day by day process for me. I still love it a whole lot when the light comes from someone else. But when it doesn't, the candle stays lit within.
Gabe
My codependency rears its ugly head when I find myself depending on other people for my light, instead of creating it on my own. That comes from a lifetime of looking to other people for my happiness, instead of looking within. This is a day by day process for me. I still love it a whole lot when the light comes from someone else. But when it doesn't, the candle stays lit within.
Gabe
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Me too...I relate differently to different people but there has been a common thread. I am what they want me to be..I am what fits.
For example there is a group of what I would consider "yuppies" that are friends of ours and because I feel "less than" I would try to fit in. I call that being a chameleon...changing my colors to match who I am standing next to. When I am with family, or another group that we hang with I might feel "more than" and change my colors to match.
So where does that leave me? I will get back to you on that one...
JT
For example there is a group of what I would consider "yuppies" that are friends of ours and because I feel "less than" I would try to fit in. I call that being a chameleon...changing my colors to match who I am standing next to. When I am with family, or another group that we hang with I might feel "more than" and change my colors to match.
So where does that leave me? I will get back to you on that one...
JT
It's a Puggle!
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: On the road to sanity
Posts: 235
Originally Posted by Ann
Being Codependent means we put others before our selves. In some cases we are easily manipulated because we hate making waves. Other times we are great manipulators thinking that we need to be in control or behave in a controlling manner.
It also means that we hide in other people problems, which helps us avoid looking at our own.
For me, being codependent meant that I was however my son was. If he was fine, I was fine. If he was not fine, neither was I. We were joined at the hip.
It has been said that you know you are codependent if when you die, everyone else's life passes before your eyes.
It also means that we hide in other people problems, which helps us avoid looking at our own.
For me, being codependent meant that I was however my son was. If he was fine, I was fine. If he was not fine, neither was I. We were joined at the hip.
It has been said that you know you are codependent if when you die, everyone else's life passes before your eyes.
A little south of sane
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: "For peace of mind, we need to resign as general manager of the universe."
Posts: 177
ok,
I hear this, this hits home with me.
******************
"My mental attention is focused on you. "
"My mental attention is focused on protecting you."
"I am not aware of how I feel. I am aware of how you feel. "
"The quality of my life is in relation to the quality of yours. "
"For me, being codependent meant that I was however my son was. If he was fine, I was fine. If he was not fine, neither was I. We were joined at the hip."
**********
oh..wow
sigh
I hear this, this hits home with me.
******************
"My mental attention is focused on you. "
"My mental attention is focused on protecting you."
"I am not aware of how I feel. I am aware of how you feel. "
"The quality of my life is in relation to the quality of yours. "
"For me, being codependent meant that I was however my son was. If he was fine, I was fine. If he was not fine, neither was I. We were joined at the hip."
**********
oh..wow
sigh
Paused
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Phila, PA
Posts: 6
Me too.
I didn't relaly understand co-depenent either. I can answer yes to over 50 percent of those. I always thought it was my personality. I try so hard to change but can't. Does anyone know if this is caused by an alcoholic parent or could it be my personality??? This is so confusing.
Paused
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Phila, PA
Posts: 6
another thought
I just realized something else: its not extreme but I mold myself (personality, interests...) to each different person I know. I always have a problem when everyone i know is together an event! Is this also a co-dependent thing?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Many people with codependency issues are children of addicts or alcoholics.
Recognizing the traits that make you codependent is the first step in changing them.
It's a slow process, best done in doable doses.
I'm glad you're here Banchy, stick around.
Recognizing the traits that make you codependent is the first step in changing them.
It's a slow process, best done in doable doses.
I'm glad you're here Banchy, stick around.
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Banchy,
I never thought of it until you said it but it is a problem when all those people are together!!
Something I have learned is to be with the people who care about me. Not with the people who are using me. It has taken a while of getting to know people for who they are and weeding out some others. But I now have a group of friends that I am comfortable being ME around.
Now who is ME? Me is a pretty nice person who happens to be vulnerable to users. ME is a person who cares a whole lot less what other people think now than I did and I am happier for it.
JT
I never thought of it until you said it but it is a problem when all those people are together!!
Something I have learned is to be with the people who care about me. Not with the people who are using me. It has taken a while of getting to know people for who they are and weeding out some others. But I now have a group of friends that I am comfortable being ME around.
Now who is ME? Me is a pretty nice person who happens to be vulnerable to users. ME is a person who cares a whole lot less what other people think now than I did and I am happier for it.
JT
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I grew up in a home where there was no alcohol or drugs. My father died when I was 6 and at the time I thought I could save him if I just loved him enough. My mother was almost killed a year later by a crazy person, a total stranger who just picked her as a victim. I grew up with an enormouse fear of bad things happening to those I love and a fear of abandonment should they perish. It took me a long time to revisit my past and discover that I have probably been codependent since I was 6 years old.
Even before my son's addiction triggered the worst in me, I was always the daughter who did everything (rather than have my brothers contribute), and the hardest worker at my job, and everyone's friend because I was known to take on their problems and "fix" them (which was easier for me that to watch a friend in pain), and all these traits seemed admirable to the normal person, but what I was was a people pleaser and insecure about myself and terribly afraid of losing anyone...a codie through and through.
I have learned that I can still be a nice person without being used, and that my security and happiness comes from within me, not from anyone else. This program gave me that gift, and I am today a grateful codependent in recovery.
Hugs
Ann
Even before my son's addiction triggered the worst in me, I was always the daughter who did everything (rather than have my brothers contribute), and the hardest worker at my job, and everyone's friend because I was known to take on their problems and "fix" them (which was easier for me that to watch a friend in pain), and all these traits seemed admirable to the normal person, but what I was was a people pleaser and insecure about myself and terribly afraid of losing anyone...a codie through and through.
I have learned that I can still be a nice person without being used, and that my security and happiness comes from within me, not from anyone else. This program gave me that gift, and I am today a grateful codependent in recovery.
Hugs
Ann
Paused
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Phila, PA
Posts: 6
Just reading through this topic has helped me so much. What i thought made me strange or abnormal actually has a name. The thought of others out there who feel just like me is so comforting. I have been thinking about this codependent thing for days. I never realized we had a name for me or a road to recovery. Does anyone know the first step to start to beat this thing? Maybe its wrong of me to be so eager to change?? Does anyone know of any good reading on co-dependency?
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